Op-Ed

Op-Ed
Don't Shoot Food: How to Turn that "Friend" Into Girl Gamer Bait

Russ Pitts | 12 Feb 2007 16:00
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imageThe marketing logic goes like this: Hot chicks sell things. Got a "thing"? Slap a hot chick on it, and it'll sell. Period. Not only do men (obviously) find themselves attracted to products and services adorned with hot chicks, but strangely women do, as well. Or so the logic goes. And if you've browsed a magazine rack recently, or watched television, you'd have a hard time disputing this. Maxim and Cosmopolitan may have a number of things in common (including advertisements featuring hot chicks), but the number one thing they share is a tendency to display an attractive, often scantily clad, woman on the front cover - in spite of the fact that they serve opposite genders.

Does this prove the theory? Or does the fact that Maybelline (maybe she's born with it) and Tag body spray (uniquely designed to attract ladies) both, although targeting opposite versions of the species, use hot chicks to sell their products? Perhaps not. But it does prove that somebody believes in it enough to practice it. And really, isn't all marketing based on faith? So this Valentine's Day, if you're looking to land that gamer woman (or man) of your dreams, do what Madison Avenue does, and start by finding yourself a hot chick to show off.

Redundant you say? Isn't that the problem in the first place, you may ask? Nonsense. We all know at least one girl who plays games, and believe me, there's a big difference between this "gamer chick friend" and the girl of your dreams. She knows this, even if you don't. So now's the time to finally listen to her, stop imagining yourself in her pants and start using her as bait. Here's how:

Bathe Early, Bathe Often
I know it's a common clich?nd insulting to those of us who do, but really, we all know that some of you guys don't. So start. You only get a few seconds to make that crucial first impression, after all, and "gamer funk" does not a good first impression make.

Start with a regular shower at a regular time, say first thing in the morning, and follow with liberal applications of both deodorant and some kind of cologne. Trust me. Even if you apply so much as to no longer be able to smell it (or anything else) it's working. And if you deaden your nose to the pleasant scent of well-groomed guy, that other, less desirable smell will become all the more detectable - and avoidable.

The Last Place You Look
imageOK, this is a tough one, but necessary. You're going to have to look away from the monitor from time to time. Yes, all of the wonders of the world are to be beheld through the thin glass (or plastic) of that wondrous box, but your gamer chick friend/bait wants to know that you know she's alive. So you'll have to look at her occasionally. Talk to her, as well, but we'll get to that. First things first.

Start by peeling your eyes away from the on-screen action. Pausing your game may help. Now, the big question here is "where to look?" The answer may surprise you. It is not "at her breasts." This, believe it or not, will not achieve the desired effect, which is to convince her that you value her as a human being and encourage her to stick around. Remember, we're not treating our gamer chick as a sex object anymore; we're treating her as a friend (bait). So stuff those dirty thoughts down in your poop sock and start looking past the presence of her pink parts. There's a real person in there, and you're going to need her on your side if our plan is to succeed.

So: the face. Yes, it's a potential minefield of expressions and/or windows to the soul, but no, you can not avoid looking at it. It's really the only safe place for your eyes to rest, and it's way better to look at than your shoes. Just do it. It can be quick, but it's necessary; like ripping off a band aid. And after it's done, you can dazzle her by remembering the color of her eyes, or how many freckles she has on her nose.

Dialogue Tree
imageTalking. It's hard. This, we know. But again, it's a necessary evil. Talk about games. Talk about the weather. It doesn't really matter, but there must be talking. Again, we're going for convincing our gamer chick friend/bait that there's a real man underneath all that boy, and that he knows she exists. The ability to communicate, therefore, is an important step. Responding to stimuli is, after all, one of the seven signs of life. And no, saying "heal please" on Teamspeak doesn't count.

Again, it may be necessary to pause the game here, but the important factor is that you're taking time from your day to share a thought, or engage in conversation. Yes, this seems horribly inefficient, but again, it's necessary. Trust me.

Now for the hard part: listening. She's going to want to talk, too. So, just like sharing the controller, you'll need to, from time to time, share the conch. Start by repeating our second step, looking into her eyes, and just listening. No response is technically necessary, so not knowing what to say is quite alright. Just grunt for now. It's a fairly neutral, all-purpose response. Later on, after we've rinsed and repeated a few times, we can move on to full-fledged t?-??, but for the time being we're just trying to establish a baseline. Besides, this one isn't a keeper, she's just bait. No need to waste all your good material.

Stealth Shooter
imageNow it's time to be sneaky. We've spent a lot of time and attention on the idea of forgetting that our gamer chick friend/bait has fleshy pink bits that just so happen to be a perfect (one assumes) fit for ours. This is painful, difficult and necessary. It does not, however, necessitate monk-like celibacy. We are sexual beings after all; we have needs. It's OK to discuss them. It's actually, believe it or not, a good idea. (Number seven on the "signs of life" list, dude.)

What you want to do here, however, is continue to make it clear that you do not see your gamer chick friend/bait as a potential assistant in the satisfying of these urges. We're just having a conversation, after all. The blood elf is hot, and yes, you probably would "hit it" if it were real, and/or interested. This is an OK topic of conversation, and when our bait is not in the direct line of fire of this assault, she may be more likely to consider the possibility. If only, of course, to pass along the idea of following up on them to someone else, but who knows?

This can be tricky, though. You want to make it clear you consider your gamer chick friend/bait a friend (bait), but she isn't exactly "one of the guys." She is still a woman, with womanly sensibilities. There's a certain amount of respect some gals like to pretend we have for them, and this is not the time or the place to correct such notions. Mention you'd hit the blood elf, avoid suggesting in excruciating detail what you'd do to her.

The point here is that celibate game-playing monks may make good friends and/or brother figures, but we're going for something a little more practical here. What we want is for your gamer chick friend/bait her to have the right idea about you. Said right idea being that you're a potential sex machine just waiting to get hit in the weak spot for massive damage, not a sociopath so desperate for sex, you'd hit her stuffed animals from behind. Try accomplishing this mission without setting off any alarms. Bonus points will be awarded.

Gamerscore
imageIs there any point in finding the Chaotic Axe of the Celestial Dromedary's Beard if you can't show it off? After all, the whole point of spending hours opening chest after chest, slaying stupid beast after stupid beast is to show the world (or at least the online gaming portion of it) how 1337 you are. The same goes with attracting gamer chick bait. The point is not simply the doing, it's the showing off.

So: a date. If we want our gamer chick friend/bait to be able to attract that perfect girl, we're going to have to start showing her off. This can be as simple as going to a movie, shopping for games or eating a burger. Gamer chick friends/bait need to see movies, shop and eat, too. And sometimes they like to do these things with friends. Whatever you do, the point is to be seen with her. So tough up, manboy. Put on some clothes, don't forget step one, and be strong. You're almost there.

Once our mission objective (whoever she may be) see's you out in the wild, well-groomed and having a conversation with an actual female, your trap will be set. It may take a day, it may take a month, but sooner or later your gamer chick friend/bait is sure to attract an actual potential love interest, and when she does, you'll be well-practiced at making a girl feel like a woman. Who knows, our bait may even begin falling for you herself, and wouldn't that be something?

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