Guilty Pleasures

Guilty Pleasures
When I was a Sex Goddess

Amanda Yesilbas | 16 Dec 2008 12:57
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Inevitably, I struck up an in-character relationship and got my first taste of online romance. It was sweet and exciting in the beginning. He wrote me poems and showered me with attention. I found myself spending more and more time online. It was fun to feel the rush of a new relationship even through a character. When the time came to take the relationship to the next level it seemed the natural in-character move, but I was in a dilemma.

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I wasn't sure how I felt about online sex. Did I want to participate? Was it dishonest? Would I get caught? I didn't feel like it was being unfaithful to my real-life boyfriend because of the clear demarcation between me and my character. In the end I went along with it because I couldn't come up with a good reason to say no.

After the first time I was hooked. It was exciting, arousing and a great way to spend a boring weeknight. Whatever moral pangs I felt got lost under the novelty. However, my playmate quickly became a drag. He kept trying to get to know me outside of the game. Worse still, he was ruining the game for me. He demanded more and more of my time and attention to the point that I couldn't even go out to level anymore. I would cast invisibility and hide from him.

Around this time, I became a builder for the MUD. A builder designs new areas and writes text descriptions for the rooms, objects and monsters. To become a builder I had to create a small sample area. I knew the administrator I had to impress was a man with a bawdy reputation, so I made a bordello. I earned the position as builder, along with an extremely complicated relationship with the administrator.

Being a builder tore down my carefully crafted boundaries. I was interacting as myself and not a character. Still, I treated everything online as something of a fantasy and firmly believed I could keep online separated from real. When the building administrator started flirting with me I had a hard time ignoring his advances. I needed a new playmate after all, and I knew he did this with all the female builders. It was still just a game even if we used real names. However, we began "playing" more frequently, and our games moved to instant messages. He was older and more experienced then me and taught me a lot about the possibilities of sex. We met online everyday and enjoyed a little afternoon delight. Then the good times ended with the abrupt announcement he was falling in love with me and could no longer talk to me. I was left incredibly confused and suddenly aware that my games might have real implications.

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