The New Deal

The New Deal
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Brett Staebell | 8 Sep 2009 12:03
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However the dice got you there, having Sony's latest and greatest puts you a yard up. Find out why this mechanical monolith's "wireless" isn't just a load of booshwash by cooking up your own ham radio! Savvy wiseheads looking to listen in on the ether without ponying up for a knobby new Silvertone just need a little gumption and a screwdriver. A few adjustments and I'll have you making friends around the world without writing another check to those internet Capones ever again!

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Say the Wii is your cat's pajamas. Sure, it doesn't hit on all sixes in the picture department, but it still keeps pace with all the other bangtails at the track. It also needs an arsenal of thingamajigs and whoozits so huge it'll make the feds nervous you're gearing up for a heist. The good word for you, slick, is that I know my onions when it comes to milking this tiny white cow from every add-on udder.

Take the balance board. Everything was ducky when you were well-fed and plenty rugged, but the breadline diet has you playing records with your cheekbones. What's to weigh? Two words: scrap metal. While every other bozo is getting scammed by some government grifter with a slippery scale, let the g-man know you mean business - and how!

Even if Big Electric catches wind of your little hootenanny and throws the switch, I have enough innovation to make anything with "waggle" look more tired than a Model T on its last drops, power be damned! Take your controllers: no juice, no use. Right? Wrong! Those long cords might muck up your den, but with a minute and some moxie, zammo! Hang your duds on your keen new clothesline, doubly handy when your power is kaput. Put away your old rinky-dink jumprope and say hello to jumpcord, the future of exertainment! Making bacon as a bindle stiff on some ranch? Give those cattle the what for with a flick of your cord-lasso. Bessie won't know what hit her!

Look - I'm gonna be on the square. You can bump gums on the so-called "state of the economy." You can listen wide-eyed while Big Business gives you the heebie-jeebies, feeding you lines about trading all your hard-earned cabbage for the next modern amenity to dig you another foot deeper into debt. But where I come from, we have a saying: "Use it up, wear it out, make it do or do without." And for a meager fee I'll set you so wise that the only bailout you'll need is when your Xbox-chassis yacht springs a leak, and them's the facts!

Brett Staebell will jive at your local speakeasy or wingding for a good sandwich and a flask of rotgut, no foolin'!

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