Rated M for Mature

Rated M for Mature
I Want My Mmm TV

Hitchhiker | 2 May 2006 12:06
Rated M for Mature - RSS 2.0

Videogames are what I want. 3D SexVilla and its current ilk offer the most advanced of the Western solutions to my need, yet are oh-so-woeful. Badly animated models manipulate themselves, each other and toys as their skin glows with the artificial sheen of computer sweat. Unenthusiastic grunts and groans blast from the speakers as I desperately try to wiggle the mouse in the right motion to provide the NPCs with the fix they need. Growing bored, I switch the scene to automatic and let them go at it for as long as I can stand to watch. I leave the room to make a cup tea with a mind full of questions, such as "Why didn't I just download a movie?" and "Is there anything less erotic than a woman being attacked by a badly rendered floating dildo?" Even the lazy addition of a Jenna Jameson model - Ooh! Ooh! Jenna Jameson! - doesn't help things at all.

No, this just will not do.

The adult industry has failed you and me, ladies and gentlemen. They have failed to exploit an emerging market, they have failed to engage in any real experimentation with a unique interface for porn aficionados, and they have failed to milk us of all the money that they can. Our pursuit for carnal entertainment knows no boundaries, but while the stars engage in ever more depraved acts accessible only through traditional video and pictorial content, we gamers remain at our desks, wondering when they will try something different.

The developer illuminati exchange ideas, hold discussion panel meetings and continue to explore methods of engaging the player through traditional narratives, new control interfaces and the number of polygons whizzing around the screen. Good games are often held up simply because they manage to exploit one of the basic emotions of the human psyche; the truly great are cherished because they hook in to our core emotional centers in some way, achieving true psychological buy-in by pressing the right buttons. Truly a set of worthwhile and lofty aims for any budding potential art form.

Me, wanting truly interactive porn that allows for the satisfaction of my basic sexual desires without me having to confront who I am and what I look like as I look down the barrel of loaded gun that's held by a real woman who's ready to let me know just how inadequate I am and just how little she wants me (hey, marriage can be hard)? That doesn't sound like too much to ask.

Hitchhiker is a freelance videogames journalist who spends too much time playing multiplayer games all alone. It does give him a sense of belonging, though, so that's ok. He hangs out at www.alwaysblack.com.

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