Let's start off by a major concession from both sides: Moviemakers, promise us you will never, ever touch Zelda. No Link, no Zelda, no Triforce, nothing. Yes, we understand that the entire Legend of Zelda series has sold millions of units. But please don't take offense when I tell you that you will screw it up. Don't take it personally; it's just something that has to be understood and agreed upon for us to proceed. It's the sort of good-will gesture that would definitely put you on solid ground with us. In return, we'll completely overlook Super Mario Bros. That's right, it never existed.

Next, let's talk a bit about casting. We understand that big names sell tickets. Honestly, we do. We just want you to understand that sometimes a well-done movie can make a big name. Just ask Orlando Bloom. You give us talent over a pretty (talent-less) face and we'll all be happy. And just think of the money you can save! If you believe us when we say we really do want people that can act in these lead roles, we'll believe you when you tell us that Silent Hill is going to be spooky (despite set photos that look like they were taken from Trainspotting).

Oh, and one minor footnote on this section: Pamela Anderson. It's only a matter of time before someone gets it in their head to employ her in the role of Tina for the big-screen adaptation of DoA: Xtreme Beach Volleyball, so I'm giving you fair warning: we will riot. Just because a lot of excitable teens convinced their parents that the game was a "good volleyball sim" doesn't mean it's screen worthy. Likewise, Outlaw Golf - just ... don't.

Lastly, and this is a big one, but hear us out: Take any potential script you've been handed. Give it to a group of six-year olds to read. If they start pointing out glaring plot errors, listen to them.

Do this for us, and we promise not to post angry tirades to message boards about the "Bio-Force Gun." Well, at least not a lot of angry tirades...

Shawn "Kwip" Williams is the founder of N3 (NeenerNeener.Net), where he toils away documenting his adventures as the worst MMO and pen-and-paper RPG player in recorded history.

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