It looks really good. You make a lot of interesting criticisms of the world in general, but by the end I wasn't sure what I remembered, and that's a problem. Make sure everything is tying into one central point you're trying to make, and show how it does.

There were also one or two grammar errors: Un familiar should be one word (unfamiliar).

I feel like the shadows are meant to represent something, but I have little clue as to what. Maybe if you used shadows as a metaphor elsewhere, I might get it?

You've definitely got a good start; I'm sorry that it's just part of my nature to look at the bad aspects of things, but I like for people to improve.

That was not the best I have read, but don't despair; I'm not critizising it. I can see that you have great potential if you listen to what people like Katana314 say and evolve from their thoughts and opinions. Was this something you did in school or did you write it on your spare time?

Some nice touches that will develop better as you practice more. I'd say try to refine it a little more- take one idea and develop upon it. My sister's 13 and she couldn't write anything like that!

Don't be disheartened as first drafts are there just to be rewritten and restructured. I agree with Katana's points, and you'd do well to redraft a few times with these in mind. It's worth tempering your bleak view of human nature, too - if you can acknowledge the brighter qualities of human nature, its collective/individual shortcomings will seem all the more real and will accordingly have greater poignancy; and besides, us humans, we're not all bad!

That's the criticism, here's the praise (and high praise it is) - there is a really clever part here, which I noticed during a second read through. By seemingly sneering at others, then realising that you are, yourself, incapable of dreaming great dreams, you've acknowledged that you're no different to the others. That, my friend, is a master stroke.

Keep it up!

Your lyrics lack subtlety: you shouldn't just say whatever it is that you're implying.

GenHellspawn:
Your lyrics lack subtlety: you shouldn't just say whatever it is that you're implying.

Seconded. To quote Robot Devil: Your lyrics lack subtlety. Your characters can't just announce how they feel. That makes me angry!

That's acually where I got that idea from :P

brown1011:
Endless Shadow

Life is a precious thing... but do we really value the things that mean so much.
Shadows are an Endless Dream. I stop and think about things which people never bother to even put an eye lash upon.
A Man walks behind you, shakes his head in disbelief as he points and shouts at a man showing his differences.
Should we really be bothered about how low fat our cream is? People all ways bother... Why is
the sky blue some used to say? I used to glance and walk off thinking why do we need a personality when no one cares?

Shadows are an Endless Dream.
Shadows are an Endless Dream.
Shadows are an Endless Dream.

First off, I am confused what you're trying to do here. Is it a song? A piece of prose? Or are you trying to write a story about your personal experiences?

There are a lot of spelling mistakes and typos. Some odd use of ellipsis too. Finish your thoughts and start a new idea, or add a comma and connect the ideas together... rather than putting ellipsis in odd places.

Most importantly it seems you haven't chosen a very clear method of writing. Most of it is prose and then oddly you write a line of rhyming poetry. It's almost as if you were writing a song and got sidetracked by the ideas you wanted to express.

If you're trying to write lyrics (something I've been doing for 10 years now) all I can say is clarity and simplicity are very important tools. I think the goal of song writing comes down to taking complex thoughts and putting them in a way that your audience can identify with. You already have a good grasp of what modern lyrics sound like as evident by your use of idiomatic language. Most of all simplify and focus your energy rather than trying to tackle every issue at once.

Experiment with new things. Try writing from new perspectives and write about things you know. Being thirteen doesn't mean you can't start learning advanced concepts and studying things that children your age usually don't. At the very least keep a journal and pay attention in English.

Edit: Also in the future, try not to qualify your writing with "but I am thirteen." I think you'll get much more honest feedback if you don't. Which is what you want right? If you were a volleyball player you wouldn't say something like "But I have no legs" to get the other team to play nicer. You don't want to be treated like you're a cripple because of your age.

brown1011:

GenHellspawn:
Your lyrics lack subtlety: you shouldn't just say whatever it is that you're implying.

Well then if we cant say how our mind and body feels about situations - we just kidding ourselves into believeing something we isint real!

Ummmm, no. The weakest parts of that poem are the monologue verses, where you simply say "do we really value things" or "why are we mean to each other". No poet got far by asking the question so bluntly.

You seem to have a little trouble accepting criticism, which you`d need to be able to do to some degree if you post something on the internet. Be glad this wasn`t posted on DeviantArt or something.

First, don't expect a lot of support if you post poetry on the internet. Trust me, if you have any kind of talent at all you'll stumble upon people that with belittle you because they sit around their houses wishing they had a shred of ability themselves while they eat cheesecake and watch old episodes of the Golden Girls.

Secondly, do not let anyone dictate to you what poetry is or what it should sound like. Do what you do and work hard at making it better. Find a poet that you can identify with and study them. Frost is a personal favorite.

For what its worth, your stuff isn't horrible, but don't expect a whole lot of love for a poet. If you're looking for suggestions, rustle up some information about some basic poetry concepts like: alliteration, onomatopoeia, rhyme, consonance, and assonance. And don't write for anyone other than yourself.

brown1011:
Wilson, i like to know who i am writing too. Also i have a unqiue way, i speak how i write... i have a brother who's an english teacher So dont give me Nothin bout how i cant learn advances in english. So what your sayin is like a young Rapper cant advanc in music untill he grows up?

You just skimmed what I wrote, right? I think you need to know that none of the things I said should be misconstrued as an insult. It was advice. It sounds like your brother would be a great source of information on writing more clearly. I just want to close by saying that it's fine to be young and and dream, and even better to be pursuing that goal through practice. Good luck to you, and your future career in Rap music.

EDIT: this thread gives me an idea... More to come!

Interesting piece with potential, but I agree with what criticism is above. One thing that strikes me is that the context of a piece of writing can change the way that it is interpreted, so if this is intended as lyrics, it may be helpful to let people know so that it can be read in that context (not sure if your last post is confirming lyrics or not). I would also suggest some more attention to spelling and grammar (e.g. "all ways" should be always, unless you are going for a play on words) as it will give your writing more polish, and it will be taken more seriously.

Your piece seems to have a bit of a stream-of-consciousness feel, which could be expanded and tied back more consistently to an underlying theme as suggested above, or reduced to get more punch into the ideas that you are wanting to put across (which might be better if intended as lyrics). At the moment though, I think that it distracts to much from the central theme by having the style change around.

Don't be discouraged from the posts above, all seem intended as constructive criticism, and keep up the reading - one of the best ways to improve your own writing is to read as much as you can from other writers, but make sure that you vary your intake!

I love people writing, it's a great activity, and fresh blood is great. I don't like this piece though, and I'll tell you why.

1. You don't seem to have any point to get across, which is shocking as you have a repeated line. I keep on expecting the repeated line to be explained and it never is. I can interpret it too many ways, and as a result there seems to be no focus in this piece. Everything seems tossed in without much thought.

2. You seem to disregard the power punctuation can bring to a piece. Sentences come to an end in very unpredictable ways, and I could interpret it as poetic freedom if it worked, but it doesn't really. This is coming from someone who overuses commas (blame William Gibson) and casually uses semi-colons though.

3. I generally believe that writing in second-person should be used very delicately, otherwise it sounds preachy. I advocate less of it unless you have a strong statement or perhaps you write a 'make your own adventure' book.

Things I liked about the piece:
"I stop and think about things which people never bother to even put an eye lash upon." This line is pretty great.
"A serious of life changing events" It's probably an error, but I like it.
"Your Life is a Clock." The delicate second-person style is backed up by good capitalization. I don't agree, but it's luring.