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Gone Gonzo  Posts: 2104 Joined: 4 Nov 2007     | |
Gone Gonzo  Posts: 6097 Joined: 30 Jan 2008    |
Here's the problem. I was thinking the traditional Resident Evil / Shaun of the Dead / Harry Potter type of zombie, where the real threat is numbers overwhelming you when you get tired of hefting the chainsword. |
BANNED  Posts: 317 Joined: 30 Jan 2008    | Trust me, its about to get much more awesome Behind you, your fortress of anti-zombie carnage begins to rumble, beneath it, a stadium show's worth of fireworks, and sevral dozen fuel tankers are rigged for a pyrotechnics show of awesome doom. The fireworks ripple upwards, as a wave or pure petroleum gushes down the streets, other pre-prepared depots similarly flood the streets, being the badass that you are, you flick your footlong cigar from the back of rolling righteousness, setting alight dozens of city blocks in one utterly awesome showdown, guns blazing, your vehicular justice rolls forward, behind it, sown up against the rising smoke, a laser light show of everything cool from electric guitars to oversized weaponry shows up, before a deafening peal of thunder erupts as a tide of fireworks rush through he streets, setting ablaze everything they touch, the wave of flaming petroleum follows you as you THUNDER from the explosion, music blaring unstoppably, you stand up, and surf the flaming apocalypse, until you accelerate over a collapsed bridge, jumping from the top of the bus, you soar upwards, and land in a seething mass of zombies From your backpack starts a medley of every overpowered rock song in mankinds history, armed with 5 SMG's (you juggle them, their triggers taped down) and a chainsword, you fight your way through the horde, screaming defiance and one-liners that would make Chuck Norris wear a dress and kneel before you reaching the gate controls, you open them just as your vehicle tears around a corner, the remnants of a horde of elephant zombies hanging from it, still trailing flame! You jump aboard the front bumper, and ride your armada of pwnage through the flaming city, aloft from the burning devastation aboard the monorail tracks, sliding along, cackling madly... the camera pans outwards.... if the last one got you aroused, gentlemen.... its time to look for tissues. EDIT: ok indigo, but they don't die from time, otherwise there's no point in using the above mentioned escape of ultimate coolness |
Gone Gonzo Posts: 6097 Joined: 30 Jan 2008 | If they are hungry for human flesh, they die from cannibalism. |
Muckraker  Posts: 308 Joined: 15 May 2007  | I live in a very gun oriented town. Between the rednecks and the gangstas, I think any zom-pocalyps that started in my town would end before the town was overrun. |
Gone Gonzo Posts: 6097 Joined: 30 Jan 2008 |
No. Its in the fluids, just the saliva is the most common one. So, if you ate one, the blood would get in your mouth. |
BANNED Posts: 317 Joined: 30 Jan 2008 |
so no giving sexual favors to zombies |
Gone Gonzo Posts: 6097 Joined: 30 Jan 2008 |
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BANNED Posts: 317 Joined: 30 Jan 2008 |
yes... thats what i said... i assume your editing this as i speak... in any case, it would be callous of my to say NO sexual favors for zombies, you just need to use protection. You could, but this would not be awesome, it is about as un-awesome as you can get without being taken down by a one winged paraplegic brain-dead butterfly |
Gone Gonzo  Posts: 1718 Joined: 13 Sep 2007  | Sounds like a porn movie, where you get infected by sex raher than bites, and the virus just makes you a raging undead sex machine. A bad porn movie. |
Gone Gonzo Posts: 6097 Joined: 30 Jan 2008 |
I tried typing something, then rethought it and tried to delete. The thing doesn't give me that option. |
BANNED Posts: 317 Joined: 30 Jan 2008 | Once again gentleman, i have had an idea.... I was pondering what to do if you cannot access a chain-sword or ROLLING RIGHTEOUSNESS i thought, what household items could one use in the event of Zombie attack? Hammer: ineffective, accuracy and force required I hope we have all learned something here |
Gone Gonzo Posts: 1718 Joined: 13 Sep 2007 | All hail the Almighty Almightyjoe! |
Gone Gonzo Posts: 6097 Joined: 30 Jan 2008 | Try cutting AOL free disks into shurikens and throwing them at them. A virtually inexhaustable supply, and highly deadly. That, or, for the sexual transmitted zombie thing, we must counter with our own sexually transmitted diseases. Throw Paris Hilton at them (although, if Paris Hilton is in your compound, and you haven't already throw her to the zombies, what is wrong with you?) |
Muckraker  Posts: 248 Joined: 1 Feb 2008   | One of the most often over looked problems with Zombie Survival Guides is that others have the same book. Chances are, in just about any apocalyptic scenario, especially zombies, there will be a mass exodus of people, which will only in turn completely over run that super store you were planning to loot or that nice country farm you intended to swing by. The only thing worse than the zombies will be the massive numbers of desperate, hungry, leaderless people who all have the same plan as you: survive at any cost. Chances are probably pretty good you are going to get killed by someone else with the same plans as you: reduce morals to zero, loot and steal, kill any suspicious outsiders, and run to remote destination with a lack of population - all of which instantly break down as plan when that is everyone else's plan too. Welcome to anarchy and chaos. No, ideally your best bet is to already have the self sufficient fortress already in place, but chances are we are either all too deep in debt or too far reliant on the local system to set one up. Think things are hopeless? Nope, just prepare a few things: Good boots. Now, should things so completely break down around you and you actually realize it, put on your boots, pick up your bag, and walk calmly towards the first place you can think of that does not have a road or building. Yes, this will be scary and unfamiliar, but realize that is what other's will be thinking too and not go there. If you are even bigger on being prepared, this will be a route you have already hiked before, you'll have a topographical map, and there will be a store of supplies waiting for you deep in that secluded place, where you can start to plan for the months and years ahead. Unless you are super rich, then you already have your self sufficient nuclear fallout bunker ready to go and we all despise you for your good fortune or opulent inheritance. |
Gone Gonzo Posts: 2104 Joined: 4 Nov 2007 |
The fallacy of composition sucks, doesn't it? |
Gone Gonzo  Posts: 4202 Joined: 2 Dec 2007     |
You can try. I'll just watch with my camera. |
Gone Gonzo  Posts: 2909 Joined: 21 Jan 2008   | propertyofcobra para el presidente! Now that's out of the way, my way to survive the zombie apocalypse is to fuckin' leggit! No, I'm not going to make a camp, unless I join a massive group of humans. And anyone I see gets bitten, gets some metal between the eyes. Gee, I'm going to die. Fucking die. Nice to know you all. The Escapist has been great... |
Gone Gonzo  Posts: 1122 Joined: 7 Mar 2008   |
Or you could have faith in your fellow man. That might work. Sorry, it's just that I doubt that someone's gonna kill you for an orange slice in a post-apocolyptic world. We'd be trying to work together, right? And on a completely different note WHOO HOO! ONE HUNDRED POSTS! I DON'T SUCK MONKEY BALLS! Sorry... |
Gone Gonzo Posts: 6097 Joined: 30 Jan 2008 |
Right...You think the sort of people who pass by starving people on the street and pretend they don't exist are gonna start helping fellow men ONLY when it could be risking their lives? You keep doing that. |
Pulitzer Laureate  Posts: 732 Joined: 9 Jan 2008   |
I agree, fellow man is far too selfish to give a flying fuck about you or me if we were in a time of need and they have to risk them selves to save you. "WE need to go back and save him!" It sounds wise, but I assure you the second one is a coward. You are most probably going to die anyway, so why not save him? Thats pretty much how it goes. |
Muckraker Posts: 248 Joined: 1 Feb 2008 |
Hey, its not the orange slice they are killing you for, its their chances of survival they are going to be ganking you for. When most plans for survival on Z-Day mean breaking as many of societies laws as possible, even possibly murder of your fellow man ... how is that so terribly different than what we have seen in other disasters? I can't be the only one who remembers the various things that went down in the whole Hurricane Katrina thing, for good or ill. Other than having amoral plans for Z-Day, some people will do for you because they just don't have any plans at all and they are just winging it - so stealing from each other becomes a much easier choice for the desperate and destitute. No, the best plan is to have a plan in mind that means you were already ready, that you don't have to fight with others for resources. How many of you are aware for around about $500 CDN you can have the resources and plans in place that will let you survive almost indefinitely? Once you have the knowledge and mindset of moral survival, then gathering resources is incredibly easy. Then, if you are really into faith in your fellow man, seek out the relationships that hold together when the proverbial shit hits the fan now, Z-Day is hardly the day to suddenly go "Hey, you value my life too, right?" because by then you don't really have a chance to make a mistake that's going to cost you everything. So, ask yourself, do you live in a community where neighbors help each other out in tough times or steal from each other? Then you probably have a good answer as to how much faith you can put in your fellow man on Z-Day. I hope we all get the helping hand communities but hey, it would be naive to think that all communities are held together by love. |
BANNED Posts: 317 Joined: 30 Jan 2008 | So, the Almightyjoe has failed to include the other faction in his crusade against the living dead... The living living... Now, according the zombie cliche bible, there are never any more people than you, a dude with a shotgun, a love interest and a second moral chick... but just in case, here are some Almightyjoe tips on dealing with the most deadly creature of all... Man. Wait, the most deadly creature alive is a Zombie Poison Ent, ok, just some tips on dealing with man then. People attract zombies: really, like a fat kid to cake, zombies flock to a large group of humans and barricade them in, and you can only fit so many into rolling righteousness, and you dont want to waste chainsword fuel on the whiny people who think that just because they are pregnant scientists with a cure for the virus they deserve precedent over the supermodel/porn star. Avoid people where possible. IF THIS FAILS: immediately establish leadership. Listen, i know we're all scared, im not, but you are, and (INSERT TOWN HERE) is our home, not theirs! ONCE YOU ARE LEADER OF YOUR CLAN/BAND/ARMY: weed out the zombies or potential zombies. they are easy to spot as they are shambling groaning vessels of evil, the zombie hosts are harder to spot. ONCE THINGS ARE SECURE: Prepare for the inevitable, people are stupid, one will let the zombies in, however improbable it may seem, they will lean on a switch or get greedy or simply open the wrong damn door. THEY WILL GET IN. To prepare, make sure you have the requisite items for surviving a zombie attack, a chainsw- no, dont reveal you have a chainsword, keep it a secret, just have a gun, a big gun to be sure. IF YOU CAN HOLD THEM OFF: well... let them in, really, its that or sharing food with a bunch of people and you know by some quirk of fate and defiance of natural selection there is a fatass in the group, and you know without showers fatty and the rest will start to stink. Do you want to live with that? no, so let the zombies in to do the work for you, it saves you having to shoot them yourself. IF BY SOME SHEER STUPIDITY YOU ARE LOCKED IN AND ARE NOT LEADER AND THE ZOMBIES ARE BEING HELD OFF: first, burn all acoustic guitars, the last thing you need is some jerk deciding what everyone needs is a bit of music for the atmosphere. Crap music attracts zombies, either electric or bust people. Then, establish yourself as a close friend of the leader He is easily identifiable, as he will be me, in a leather trench-coat wielding a strange mechanical sword. ---------------- if you follow these steps i can guarantee you can protect yourself against the Zombies and the Humans, but the only real way to ensure survival is be the leader or his love interest. im the leader, sorry. Now guys... i know its hard, but its that or being eaten by a zombie. if your a woman, i'm into blondes, if your brunette or other you can probably find some dye somewhere, if your a guy... well... i do have a slight thing for george clooney, i don't know if that helps. in any case, its the apocalypse, who's going to know? |
Gone Gonzo Posts: 1718 Joined: 13 Sep 2007 | But what if I am the leader of a nearby shelter modeled off yours? You'd even have a backup after your base falls apart. Except I would have a large supply of napalm and remote control helicopters. |
Gone Gonzo  Posts: 1203 Joined: 9 Dec 2007 |
Bah; There's no such thing as zombies or bad porn movies. |
Gone Gonzo Posts: 6097 Joined: 30 Jan 2008 |
Right. If its porn its automatically bad. |
Paperboy  Posts: 33 Joined: 22 Mar 2008 | Awesome, the thread is alive again...kinda. AlmightyJoe is making it a bit ridiculous, but, yea. What you need, is to have a trusty weapon with you at all times. Whether it be wooden stick or medal pole or katana, keep it on you. Essentially, map out where you live and see where you can find everything you need. If there's a Police station by you, try and go there and try and get yourself some police riot gear. This will keep you from being bitten, and the shield could help too. That's what i got right now...i had other things, but those were posted earlier...by me... |
BANNED | |
The AlmightyJoe Theory of Awesome: If something you're doing is so cinematic, so awesome, so utterly WICKED that putting it into a movie will inevitably get teenage (and older) boys buying tickets like hotcakes then there is NO WAY it can fail.
The Exception Corollary: There are none.