I have just got done watching the Lee Evans XL tour and it got me thinking about Jokes. (nah)
So from there I was wondering what your best or favourite jokes are.
Mine is from Lee Evans:
Car thieves operate in this area, Where else would they operate? Its a fucking car park! The number of times I've been driving through the country, see a couple of car thieves standing in a field saying 'You said there'd be cars!' And thanks for telling us! They're not doing anything about it! You'd hate it if you were getting mugged and a copper ran up to you and said, 'He's muggin you, he is! He's running away with all your money!'
Can we please cut down on the racist and just distasteful jokes.

There are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those that know binary and those that don't.

I went to the museum of Chicago history but all it was was a burnt down building
What do you call Stalin, Lenin, Marx, and kruschev getting drunk? The communist party!
I went to a store and bought a french army knife, all it had on it were cork screws and white flags.
Chess is racist, the white guy always goes first
I spilt spot remover on my dog. I have no idea where teh hell he went...

3 blondes walk into a bar, you think one of them would have seen it

conqueror Kenny:
I have just got done watching the Lee Evans XL tour and it got me thinking about Jokes. (nah)
So from there I was wondering what your best or favourite jokes are.
Mine is from Lee Evans:
Car thieves operate in this area, Where else would they operate? Its a fucking car park! The number of times I've been driving through the country, see a couple of car thieves standing in a field saying 'You said there'd be cars!' And thanks for telling us! They're not doing anything about it! You'd hate it if you were getting mugged and a copper ran up to you and said, 'He's muggin you, he is! He's running away with all your money!'

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fMI3m6WDgn0

My favourite bit from that gig

An American, a Russian, and an Englishman walk into a bar and the bartender says; "What is this? A joke?"

smelly racist:
So this Jewish guy walks into a charity organization...

That's pretty racist, and stinks bad.

What do you get when you cross an owl with a bungie cord?

My ass.

An Irishman, a Scot and an Englishman all walk into a bar. THey all order a pint of beer each.
A Fly lands in the Scot's drink, he takes a fork a gets the fly out.
A fly lands in the Englishman's drink, he pushes the mug away and orders another.
A fly lands in the Irishman's drink, he scoops the fly out with a spoon and begins shouting "Spit it out ye bastard, spit it out!"

Hmm...how about long format? :)

There are three guys in Hell, and Satan is taking them to their eternal damnation. He takes the first guy, who's a womanizer, to a door and opens it. Inside, the room is filled with gorgeous, naked women. The guy grins, and walks in. Satan takes the second guy, who's an alcoholic, to a second door and opens it. Inside there is nothing but booze and beer as far as the eye can see. The second guy grins, and walks in. Satan takes the third guy, who's a pothead, to a third door and opens it. Inside is nothing but sweet chiba as far as the eye can see. The third guy grins and walks in. After that, Satan padlocks the doors shut and walks away.

Ten years pass, and Satan decides to check on his 'guests'. So he goes to the first door, unlocks it, and opens it. The man and the women are still inside, but the women have become horribly overweight and loud, and there are hundreds of screaming kids running around everywhere. The man is huddled in a corner, doing dishes and changing diapers with a look of utter horror on his face. Satan laughs, closes the door, and re-locks it.

Satan goes to the second door, unlocks it, and opens it. The second guy is still there, but he doesn't look so good. He's grossly overweight, his skin has become jaundiced, and all his teeth have fallen out. He drools slightly, either from the lack of teeth or brain cells. Satan laughs, closes the door, and re-locks it.

Satan goes to the third door, unlocks it, and opens it. Before he can do anything, the third guy barrels out the door, knocks Satan down and proceeds to choke him. His teeth are very green. As he chokes Satan, he says, "All right, you son of a bitch, where's the damned lighter?"

Whats worse than a barrel full of dead babies?

The live baby at the bottom trying to eat its way out.

mechsword42:
Whats worse than a barrel full of dead babies?

The live baby at the bottom trying to eat its way out.

You know, what's really horrible about that is that the baby probably doesn't have any teeth. That's right. He's gumming his way through those baby corpses. The good news is, teething should be relatively hassle-free.

What is the difference between a ferrari and a pile of corpses?

I don't have a ferrari in my basement.

I don't get it? What's so funny about that? I though most all of us had a pile of corpses in our basement? And let me tell you, it's a pain. You know how much I have to spend on air freshener?

How is a porcupine different to a Porsche

The pricks are on the outside

So these three guys are trying to get into heaven and only one of them can get in due to overcrowding. So God asks them to explain how they died and whoever had the "worst" death would get in.

So the first guy says, "I decided to go home early from work one day because I thought my girlfriend was cheating on me and when I got back to my apartment I found a guy hanging from my balcony so I wailed on his fingers with a hammer. I found that he landed in a soft bush so i threw my refrigerator on top of him and then shot myself."

The second guy tells him, "I was practicing riding my unicycle on the top of my apartment building when i fell off but luckily i grabbed onto some balcony and saved myself. Then this guy comes over and starts wailing on my fingers with a hammer and i fall again. Luckily i fell into a bush which saved my life, but then i was cruhed by a fridge."

The third guy says, "I was hiding in this chicks refridgerator..."

woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre, so the bartender gives her one

If i ever see an amputee getting hanged, im just gonna shout out letters

whats the difference between a duck and a banjo player?
The duck's got a gig

A man walks down a beach and sees a lady with no arms and no legs. He looks at her and says "Have you ever been screwed?" The woman replies "No.", so the man throws her out into the ocean and shouts "You're screwed now!"

What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend? Homeless.

Cakelord:
A man walks down a beach and sees a lady with no arms and no legs. He looks at her and says "Have you ever been screwed?" The woman replies "No.", so the man throws her out into the ocean and shouts "You're screwed now!"

Wasn't that from Ally McBeal? Or at least it was the focus of an episode, no?

jim_doki:

If i ever see an amputee getting hanged, im just gonna shout out letters

THAT is a brilliant joke.

mapo11:
How is a porcupine different to a Porsche

The pricks are on the outside

Brilliant.

If a tree falls in the woods and it hits a Mime, does the mime make a sound?
The universe is expanding. That should help ease the traffic.
Apple have recently announced plans for a vacuum attachment for their products. They're calling it the Isuck.
They say you're not supposed to put metal in the microwave. They're right....
I asked my girlfriend if she'd love me forever. She told me she doubted it, as she didn't love me then.

Psychochef:

mechsword42:
Whats worse than a barrel full of dead babies?

The live baby at the bottom trying to eat its way out.

You know, what's really horrible about that is that the baby probably doesn't have any teeth. That's right. He's gumming his way through those baby corpses. The good news is, teething should be relatively hassle-free.

Also, it might be easier for the baby, since baby bones are a lot softer and undeveloped.

What's worse then ten babies nailed to a tree? One baby nailed to ten trees.

Ah bless dead baby jokes.

how do you pull a fat bird?

Piece of cake

the_tralfalmadorian:

jim_doki:

If i ever see an amputee getting hanged, im just gonna shout out letters

THAT is a brilliant joke.

I believe it was made by Dimitri Martin.

Yeah I think so as well, much better than the business with the hangman amputee and the Ferrari corpses, but you always get a few duds

mapo11:
Ferrari corpses...

......Need I quote more?

What did the blind, crippled deaf kid get for Christmas?

Cancer!

Fantasic jokes from the late great Mitch Hedberg:

Is a hippopotamus really a hippopotomus or just a really cool opotamus?

I just bought a 2-bedroom house, but I think I get to decide how many bedrooms there are, don't you? "Fuck you, Real Estate Lady! This bedroom has an oven in it! This bedroom's got a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom is A.K.A hallway. This bedroom's over in that guy's house! Sir, you have one of my bedrooms, are you aware? Don't decorate it.

You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later

My friend said to me, "I think the weather's trippy." I said, "No, man, it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps it is the way that we perceive it that is indeed trippy." Then I thought, "Man, I should've just said, 'Yeah.'"

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too

I wrote a script and gave it to a guy that reads scripts. And he read it and said he really likes it, but he thinks I need to rewrite it. I said, "Fuck that, I'll just make a copy."

I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something.

I have a king sized bed, i don't know any kings, but if i ever meet one i can tell him "you will not believe what i have in store for you!" "This is made to your exact specifications!" When i was little i used to lay in my twin sized bed at night wondering where my brother was.

What the hell are you on about mesh I was merely referencing an earlier joke in comparison to my own, you presumptuous ass

freakyHippo:
Fantasic jokes from the late great Mitch Hedberg:

Another one from the great Mitch Hedberg:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yaybDG3nWfg

Not to make this a youtube thread, but the joke is only really good with his delivery.

Eldritch Warlord:
There are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those that know binary and those that don't.

There are three kinds of people in the world, the ones who can count and the ones who can't.

See, there were these two guys in a lunatic asylum... and one night... one night they decide they don't like living in an asylum any more. They decide they're going to escape! So like they get up on to the roof, and there, just across the narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in moon light... stretching away to freedom. Now the first guy he jumps right across with no problem. But his friend, his friend daren't make the leap. Y'see he's afraid of falling... So then the first guy has an idea. He says "Hey! I have my flash light with me. I will shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk across the beam and join me." But the second guy just shakes his head. He says... he says "What do you think I am, crazy? You would turn it off when I was half way across."

These two cows are standing in a field. One turns to the other and says "You know, this is kind of boring, just standing around in a field. We should do something". The second says "Holy crap, a talking cow".

I went into a clothes store and a lady came up to me and said "if you need anything, I'm Jill". I've never met anyone with a conditional identity before.
-Demetri Martin

Indigo_Dingo:
These two cows are standing in a field. One turns to the other and says "You know, this is kind of boring, just standing around in a field. We should do something". The second says "Holy crap, a talking cow".

Most excellent.

Doctor: You have to stop masturbating.
Man: Why? I enjoy it.
Doctor: Because it makes it unpleasant to examine you.

I just installed a skylight. I think it's great but the people in the apartment above me are really pissed. - Steven Wright

An ocean liner is blown off course by a huge storm. While in an unfamiliar part of the ocean a crewman notices a man frantically leaping up and down on a tiny island. The captain and some crew drop a launch and motor over to check him out.
The man says "Thank God! I was ship-wrecked here five years ago."
The captain tells him "Congratulations! Round everyone up and we'll take you to civilization."
"Oh, I'm the only one here", the man tells him. "No one else made it."
The captain, clearly confused, say "But - there are three huts."
The man nods and points at the end hut. "Yeah, I live in that one."
"But - the other two?"
"Well, that's where I go to church," the man replies, pointing at the hut on the far end.
"Um, okay", the captain says. "So what's with the third hut?"
The man laughs and shakes his head. "Oh, that's where I used to go to church."