Since some individuals failed to heed nilcypher's command to cease with the holocaust jokes, causing a lock of the previous thread of a similar name, I bring you the Official Joke thread of the Escapist, mark 2.

Let it be noted that I asked a mod's permission to create this thread and in his words

nilcypher:
I'll be honest. I'm a little apprehensive...
...I'll be watching it very closely.

That being said,

NO RACIST JOKES

NO VERY DIRTY JOKES

NO HOLOCAUST JOKES

NO HOLOCAUST JOKES

NO EXCEPTIONS

Is that understood?
(Your eyes do not decive you, no Holocaust jokes is said twice, therefore if you break that rule, you break two rules.)
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
Now to cancel out all the seriousness, have fun everyone in posting your jokes.

First joke:

True story, Sir Aurthur Conan Doyle of Sherlock Holmes fame on his birthday once, sent a message to all of his friends. The message simply read

All is discovered.
Flee immediately.

-a Friend

To his surprise, within 48 hours, all of his friends had left the Country. This surprised Sir Doyle because he only meant it to be a prank. Talk about your guilty conscience!
Edit: Whoops! Sorry about the name, Nil.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.

Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Well my dear Watson, it means someone has stolen our tent."

You spelled Nilcypher's name wrong.

Anyways -

Three boys are walking on a near-empty street, when two good-looking naked women walk past them. Upon seeing this sight, one of the boys flees from the scene. His friends catch up to him and ask him what happened. The boy apologized, and says that he won't do it again. The next time the same three boys see the same two girls, the boy runs away again. When his friend's catch up with him, they ask him, again, what happened, and again, he apologizes, and again, he assures them he won't do it again. So by impossible chance, the boys see those girls again, and, of course, the same routine ensues wherein the boy runs away.
"Why do you keep running away?" One of the friends asked.
Finally, the boy says, "My mother said if I look at a naked woman, I'll turn to stone, and something's already getting hard."

A man walks into a bar, and the barkeep pulls a gun on him. The man thanks him, and walks out. Why?

The man had hiccups.

A man is in the hospital, for a condition he has no knowledge of yet. A doctor walks into his room, and the man says, "Doc, what's wrong with me?"
The doctor says, "I have bad news, and worse news."
"Gimme the bad news first," the patient says.
The doctor murmurs, "Sir, you have 24 hours to live."
"Oh, my God! What could be worse than that!?" The patient screams.
"I've been trying to reach you since yesterday."

A man walks into the doctors office and asks the doctor "Doctor can you help me out?"
The doctor replies "Sure, what way did you come in." (sorry, that was really bad)

There are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those who understand binary, and those who do not.

Once there was a football game in the jungle and ALL the animals split into two teams. On one team was Giraffe, he was pompous he didn't care what other people said, he did what he wanted. On the other team was the rhino, he got the ball instant touchdown. Anyway Giraffe kicks off, and they tell him "Don't kick it to the rhino!" Giraffe, he does what he wants kicks it, right to the rhino, rhino charges down field, instant touchdown. This goes on for the first half.

Half-time comes. Half-time goes.

They tell the giraffe, "DON'T KICK IT TO THE RHINO!" Giraffe kicks it, right to the rhino, charges down field, insta-touchdown. this goes on until the very last play. They tell the giraffe, "DON'T. KICK IT. TO. THE RHINO!!!!" giraffe kicks right to the rhino. The rhino is charging downfield and on the 1 yard line, is flipped over. He's knocked out, he ain't getting up anytime soon. All the animals are wondering what happened, and at the foot of the rhino is a centipede yelling, "I tackled the rhino! I tackled the rhino! All by myself!" The animals then ask the tiny little centipede, "well where were you for the rest of the game?" the centipede replys, "putting on my shoes..."

BU DUM TISH

This is only funny because it actually happened to a friend of a friend:

Man asks his daughter, "Are you aware your sister's birthday is coming up?"
"Yes, she's my twin."

A man walks to doctor's office holding his stomack with both hands.
He enters:
- Uhh....doctor...the kidney - he sayes with low voice.
The doctor without locking at him sayes:
- Put it in the fridge.
:D

This is my friends joke but wth..

It is said that a father names his children for the first that falls on their head...

A girl walks into a room, her name is Rose
A boy walks into the room, his name is Kendel
Another boy walks into the room and says "Duuurrrr!!"

The other children in the room say "Shutup Brick!"

***Inside Joke alert***

Friend 1: what did the pillow say to the matress?

Friend 2: *Crushes pringle that the joke is printed on* YOU'LL NEVER KNOW!!!

What did the fish say when it hit the wall?

Dam.

It's a bit strange that you say no racist jokes, but say nothing about other forms of discriminatory jokes such as sexist jokes.
Although it's probably a well known joke, TheNecroswanson, are you a Guardian reader by any chance?

William Shakespeare walks into a pub. He orders a drink, downs it and orders two more. He downs them both. He keeps drinking, becoming rowdier and rowdier, until eventually he punches the man standing next to him. The landlord throws Shakespare out of the pub, and says to him:

"You're Bard!"

Two muffins are in an oven.
The first muffin says "It's hot in here."
The second one says "Holy crap! A talking muffin!"

So a child ask her mother "mommy where do people come from?"
The mother replies "well a long time ago there was a man and a woman and they had sex and here we are."
the child goes to her father and asks the same question.
He replies "well a long time ago there were monkeys and we evolved from them."
Confused the child goes back to her mother and says "mommy why did you say we came from people but daddy says we came from monkeys?"
She replies "well honey its simple dad told you about his side of the family and i told you about mine."

A man goes to a magicians hut asking for a cure for a curse he's been under for 40 years. The magician asks for the exact words that were used to cast the spell and the man replies "I do."

A man walks into a bar. He orders a beer and gets plastered after chasing it down with a couple more. A few weeks later he gets an email and dies.

afrophysics:
It's a bit strange that you say no racist jokes, but say nothing about other forms of discriminatory jokes such as sexist jokes.

Everybody wants a nice 'clean' forum, no one wants a Orwellian forum. That's why Dirty joks are allowed as long as they're not too dirty. Blonde jokes take it a bit far.
Also, I don't understand your joke above.

A programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Los Angeles to New York.

The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game.

The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and is a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5."

Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep.

The programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $100!"

This catches the engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.

The programmer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the programmer.

Now, it's the engineer's turn. He asks the programmer "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?"

The programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers--all to no avail.

After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $100. The engineer politely takes the $100 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the engineer and asks "Well, so what's the answer?" Without a word, the engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the programmer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.

(As with my previous thread of similar kind; further reinforcing Engineers as the cleverest profession.)

An Englishman, a blonde and an Irishman walking into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says "Is this some kind of joke?"

A bartender calls last drinks at his pub. He starts to polish glasses while waiting when a down and out hobo in ragged clothing walks in. He walks to the bar and politely asks for a single toothpick. Seeing no ill in helping out the kindly vagrant the bartender obliges and hands over the toothpick.
15 or so minutes later the bartender is wiping down tables. All the patrons have left and he is about to lock up when yet another hobo enters. He looks even worse off than the last one and also asks for a toothpick as well. The bartender is puzzled but passes the hobo one and he leaves.
A few minutes after the bartender has just locked the door when he hears a frantic knocking. Opening it he finds another, shabbier, dirtier hobo. Before the man can open his mouth the bartender smiles and says "Ah, your looking for a toothpick aren't you?" The hobo sighs and responds "No, I'd like a straw," curious, the bartender asks "But all your friends got toothpicks, why do you want a straw?" sighing again the hobo replies "Well, a drunk chick vomited outside, but all the chunky bits have been taken,"

Don't worry, thats all the rubbish I'm forcing on your for the moment.

Best Joke I've ever heard. Although I can't remember it well, so I'll tell it the best I can remember.

Two men are out hunting one day. Man one notices man two has had a heart attack and died. While man two is on the ground, man one calls the emergency operator from his phone.

Operator: Hello?
Man one: Hello! I think my friend has had a heart attack and died! What should I do?
Operator: Okay, firstly, make sure that he's died.
Man one: Okay.

The operator waits for the man to get back on the phone. The operator hears a gun shot then the man getting back on the phone.

Man one: Okay, now what?

Did it make sense? Sorry if it didn't.

DO NOT READ THE FOLLOWING JOKE IF YOU'RE SENSITIVE TO THE GROSS

with that...

A man walks into a diner and sits down at the bar, a waitress comes up to him and asks him what he would like. "A bowl of oatmeal, please," The man says. "Oh, I'm sorry," replies the waitress, "I gave our last bowl to the man over there," she explains, pointing to a man sitting at the end of the bar.

The man thanks the waitress, then looks over at the guy at the end of the bar. He's intently focused on a newspaper and not paying attention to the bowl of oatmeal in front of him. Quietly, the man sneaks over and steals the bowl. He brings it back to his stool, and scarfs it down before the man with the newspaper can notice. Suddenly, he feels awful, and upchucks the oatmeal.

Noticing this, the man with the newspaper, peers over and says, "Disgusting oatmeal, huh? I did the same thing when I ate mine."

So a baby seal walks into a club-

...

A man passes by his friend in the street. His friend is holding a shovel, and so the guy asks "what are you carrying this shovel around for, man?"

- "I'm going to help my friend with a burial. Sad business."

- "Very sorry to hear that. I'll see you later, then. Please give your friend my condolences."

- "Alright."

They part ways, and meet again on the same street, later that evening. The man with the shovel is completely dirty and has some of his clothes torn up. The guy asks "Whoa! What happened to you? Is everything alright?"

- "Yeah, it's alright. She just resisted a bit."

I only know one really good joke, but it's pretty dirty... :(

NinjaDwarf:
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.

Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Well my dear Watson, it means someone has stolen our tent."

i read the first post and decide i am posting this joke and show off my amazing sense of humor.... the next post reduces me to tears....

Anarchemitis:

afrophysics:
It's a bit strange that you say no racist jokes, but say nothing about other forms of discriminatory jokes such as sexist jokes.

Everybody wants a nice 'clean' forum, no one wants a Orwellian forum. That's why Dirty joks are allowed as long as they're not too dirty. Blonde jokes take it a bit far.
Also, I don't understand your joke above.

I didn't say anything about dirty jokes. Also the meaning of the joke is obvious if you reread it a few times.

The Littlest Cornfalake

Once upon a time, there was a cornflake. He was little, and was the runt of all the other cornflakes, residing at the bottom of cereal box.

One day, he decided enough was enough, he would change this.

So he climbed up, through the other cornflakes, up and up, until he finally reached the top. There, he basked in his achievement, and waited to be the first cornflake to see daylight.

One day, the box opened. He couldn't believe it. Thoughts were rushing through his head as the excitement was overwhelming, and;

He felt a pang of disappointment when the box of cornflakes were poured into a plastic container.

Once again, he couldn't believe it. He was back at the bottom of the box, the little runt once more.

Want to know what happened next?

Can't tell you; It's a serial.

Ooh, I've got the dirtiest, rascistest, Holocaustest joke in the universe! I'MA TELL YOU ALL NOW!

Two nuns in a bath:
Nun 1: Where's the soap?
Nun 2:Does rather doesn't it

That or:
What's the difference between a nun in a bath and a nun praying?
One has a holy soul the other has a (I will let you work out that bit to keep it clean)

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper?
He sold his soul to Santa.

What do you call a midget pirate?
A short ARRs.

afrophysics:
A man walks into a bar. He orders a beer and gets plastered after chasing it down with a couple more. A few weeks later he gets an email and dies.

Reread it a couple of times still don't get it. Am i just incredibly slow or os this joke really complicated?

How many guitarist does it take to change a lightbulb?

3...

1 to do it and 2 to argue if Jimmi Hendrix would do it better

A couple more dyslexic jokes:
-A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

-Do you know what DNA stands for? National Dyslexic Association

A decapitated head was one day sitting where it usually sat, and suddenly felt inspired to become an Olympic swimmer.

Upon being told by the Olympic Committee that he could not compete, he went to the High Court and set up a case.

Within a few weeks, he was a part of the team.

On his first heat, the head rolled up onto the starting platform, and upon "Ready, Set, GO!" everyone dived in. The head, however, sank to the bottom.

The supervisors jumped in and pulled it out, and an interviewer asked what happened.

He said: "Wouldn't you know it? I got a cramp!"

afrophysics:
It's a bit strange that you say no racist jokes, but say nothing about other forms of discriminatory jokes such as sexist jokes.
Although it's probably a well known joke, TheNecroswanson, are you a Guardian reader by any chance?

No, I learned it from a computing class in highschool.