that's exactly how mine went, and trust me, it's normal.
You broke the friend bubble, and made her uncomfortable.
Just forget about her, clearly she doesn't want to talk to you. Sitting there worrying about what could have been and what will never be aren't healthy for you.
I know all about it, I had a similar experience. I liked a girl for 2 years, we were always dating other people though, so I never told her, then We found ourselves single, so I asked her out, and she said "No, you're too good for me, blah blah blah", So she came over, we watched Powder, had a decent time, and then I never really saw her again. I see her at parties occasionally, and we hug (she's big on hugging everyone), but it's always a little uncomfortable, at least for me, so I tend to just avoid her.
I think you blew it. Maybe not at the moment of asking, more likely, you blew it right at the beginning, when you let yourself slip into the friend bubble. You ruined that for her, and now she's gone.
Forgive me if I'm entirely talking about the wrong thing, I scrolled up, looked for a post/quote by you and just went with it :P
I'm not worrying about what could have been, I'm just a person that needs answers and closure, so if she doesn't want to talk to me, fine, I just want to know why.
What I haven't seen yet (yet still could be here) are two other factors: looks and confidence. Nice guys mostly tend to be modest and shy which girls and some women tend to take as uninteresting. While "jerks" tend to be borderline/flatout arrogant.
And lets not forget that if one looks...let's say "homely", chances are you will always be nothing more to a girl than her friend.
videonerd250: What I haven't seen yet (yet still could be here) are two other factors: looks and confidence. Nice guys mostly tend to be modest and shy which girls and some women tend to take as uninteresting. While "jerks" tend to be borderline/flatout arrogant.
And lets not forget that if one looks...let's say "homely", chances are you will always be nothing more to a girl than her friend.
Well, I don't think I'm that ugly, and fairly confident, I'm not arrogant, but I'm not shy either.
Cyberwulf: Omega, your post reeked of entitlement. "The other guys are stupid and assholes. I'm so much brighter and nicer. I've been there for her for six years through thick and thin, she owes me." She doesn't owe you a thing. You were there for her (I hope) because you valued her friendship and because you're a decent guy. Whatever you do, don't generalise from one or two examples and assume that "all women" want "bad boys". Women aren't some homogeneous mass; we're all individuals with individual tastes and likes and dislikes.
DGenius, you're an asshole.
Look, I apologize if my post came off as offensive in any way and I understand that not all women are the same, this topic just touched a nerve. I usually don't make angry posts. But as for the entitlement bit, I realize she doesn't "owe" me and I know she has the right to make whatever choice she wants, she just could have been... a little nicer to me about how she treated me after I tried asking her out.
But those two guys really are assholes, I'm an easy going guy, but after being repeatedly knocked around and humiliated by them I feel I at least have the right to thourghly dislike them.
So I'm sorry if I made you angry, that wasn't my intention in posting.
videonerd250: What I haven't seen yet (yet still could be here) are two other factors: looks and confidence. Nice guys mostly tend to be modest and shy which girls and some women tend to take as uninteresting. While "jerks" tend to be borderline/flatout arrogant.
And lets not forget that if one looks...let's say "homely", chances are you will always be nothing more to a girl than her friend.
don't worry, not everyone is as shallow as you are.
Bah, looks don't matter to women. Honestly. That's just an excuse. Most guys can't wrap their head around this because looks are so important to us. In many ways men have it easier here than women, because if a guy is unattractive it is usually well within his control to improve that, but if a girl is unnattractive to a man there isn't really anything she can do to change his mind.
Most girls don't care about appearances per se, they just care about what your appearance says about you. So if you wear dirty T-shirts, don't shower, smell like nutsack, have greasy unkempt hair, stubbly beard, etc etc, it tells her that you have no confidence in yourself and no self respect. On the other hand even if you are mister Average Joe, as long as you display proper hygiene and take care of what you have, she won't care. Don't make it into a big deal and neither will she.
Guys who are "tools" will always accomplish more than the nice guy will. they give the girl just a little more attention than the nice guy. Just enough more that the girl notices it. Cyberwulf said something along the lines of: Girls are just as blind to the subtle niceties as guys are. Attention is something that "nice-guys" wont give because they are too worried about whether the are annoying or not.
I, for one, am extremely annoying. I just went out with a group of people the other night and was ridiculous. I flirted with this girl all night but was really kinda calm about it compared to everything else I did. i knew when to back off so as not to show too much attention.
Gxas: Guys who are "tools" will always accomplish more than the nice guy will. they give the girl just a little more attention than the nice guy. Just enough more that the girl notices it. Cyberwulf said something along the lines of: Girls are just as blind to the subtle niceties as guys are. Attention is something that "nice-guys" wont give because they are too worried about whether the are annoying or not.
I, for one, am extremely annoying. I just went out with a group of people the other night and was ridiculous. I flirted with this girl all night but was really kinda calm about it compared to everything else I did. i knew when to back off so as not to show too much attention.
In response to this thread in general, some people have said that nice guys are spineless and that you should ignore girls if you want them to be attracted to you (how does that work?!) ... I say stuff and nonsense. Look, I'm no dating expert, but based on what I do know, it's usually a problem of guys being too comfortable, not too nice. Treat girls well, be nice to them... but also, if you're interested in a girl, do something about it! Don't just hang around - the way I see it, being nice is one thing (and it can only help you) and being shy/lazy/comfortable is another.
Take the plunge. And be willing to screw up your friendship for it (if she's a true friend it won't anyway. However,
Meeeh. No, the stuff you're saying makes sense, but it clashes with what I've seen happen in out of my personal experience. I wouldn't say either that nice guys are spineless. It's just that I've discovered that girls are attracted to the guys that don't ask and don't seem to care. I never asked, never cared, and was always unapproachable. What did I get in return? Tons of demands. It's no coincidence they always depict James Bond as the not caring guy. It's because that's what actually gets women interested. Have you ever heard James Bond say 'Please, accept to go out with me.'?
For real. Never make a first move. Don't force things, let them happen naturally, oh, and more importantly, never sacrifice a friend for a girlfriend. Friendship lasts as long as you want it to. A girlfriend or a boyfriend relation ends when you have no control over it.
I'm not going to say you're wrong, since your experiences are your own, but my experiences, and those of my friends, don't match with your interpretation. First, and foremost, James Bond is successful with women because he's (a) fictional, and (b) uber-attractive. I'll tell you what, find me someone who likes like Daniel Craig, and I'll promise you that he'll be successful with girls no matter what tactic he takes. It's true for most "jerks" as well. Since being disinterested and self-centered takes less energy, if they can do that and still get girls due to good looks, most people will. They're not successful because they're jerks, they're jerks because they're successful.
I do agree with you that you should allow relationships to evolve organically, rather than trying to force it, but I would challenge you to provide a controlled experiment wherein you show with some certainty that being a jerk actually *causes* a difference in reactions outside of simple anecdote (there would also be some question about the caliber of girl attracted, but that's another story)
Gxas: Guys who are "tools" will always accomplish more than the nice guy will. they give the girl just a little more attention than the nice guy. Just enough more that the girl notices it. Cyberwulf said something along the lines of: Girls are just as blind to the subtle niceties as guys are. Attention is something that "nice-guys" wont give because they are too worried about whether the are annoying or not.
I, for one, am extremely annoying. I just went out with a group of people the other night and was ridiculous. I flirted with this girl all night but was really kinda calm about it compared to everything else I did. i knew when to back off so as not to show too much attention.
Pyronox, you're in the same predicament as me. It sucks being sorted into the "nice guy" stereotype. I would suggest advice or try to be comforting, but I have no idea what to do or say to you or her either. Sorry.
Gxas: Guys who are "tools" will always accomplish more than the nice guy will. they give the girl just a little more attention than the nice guy. Just enough more that the girl notices it. Cyberwulf said something along the lines of: Girls are just as blind to the subtle niceties as guys are. Attention is something that "nice-guys" wont give because they are too worried about whether the are annoying or not.
I, for one, am extremely annoying. I just went out with a group of people the other night and was ridiculous. I flirted with this girl all night but was really kinda calm about it compared to everything else I did. i knew when to back off so as not to show too much attention.
I don't know, just something I notice often.
Am I the only one who found this slightly very pretentious?
Gxas: Guys who are "tools" will always accomplish more than the nice guy will. they give the girl just a little more attention than the nice guy. Just enough more that the girl notices it. Cyberwulf said something along the lines of: Girls are just as blind to the subtle niceties as guys are. Attention is something that "nice-guys" wont give because they are too worried about whether the are annoying or not.
I, for one, am extremely annoying. I just went out with a group of people the other night and was ridiculous. I flirted with this girl all night but was really kinda calm about it compared to everything else I did. i knew when to back off so as not to show too much attention.
I don't know, just something I notice often.
Am I the only one who found this slightly very pretentious?
truthfully? not really.
It did however make me want to flirt with him.
So he must have some sort of voodoo magic going on.
The biggest issue seems to be a confusion of the word "nice" with the word "manipulative". It's the reason I really hate being called a "nice guy". The vast majority of self-proclaimed nice guys have gotten so wrapped in their own self-righteousness about being somehow better for a girl than whoever she's dating, that they can't see the forest for the trees. They're convinced that niceness (a) inherently means that the girl should notice and appreciate it, and (b) that niceness simply consists of a bunch of silly little actions. Don't get me wrong, holding a door for a girl is okay, but it's only nice if you're not doing it for anything other than gallantry. Being a girl's shoulder to cry on is only nice if you're doing it out of sincere caring and concern for her, not if you're doing it so you can convince her that her boyfriend's scum, and she should dump him (and then you make your move).
But, I'm also going to draw a line between being self-reliant and being a jerk. For most of the posters here, there's only the extremes of "nice" and "jerk", where the former is a sycophantic stalker nipping at the girl's heels, and the latter is an uninterested, selfish, arrogant, cad. There's a middle ground. Your choices aren't "be the nice guy" or "start wearing polo shirts with the collar popped", because you can also just be a *normal person*.
I've never been successful as a jerk, or as a "nice" guy. I've never been a jerk because I can't maintain that persona, and I've never been a "nice" guy because I've never wanted to manipulate a girl's feelings like that. So, do me a favor, every "nice" guy here. If you're just being supportive of a girl to get her pants off, maybe you should reassess what your priorities are
So yeah i hve a pretty bad case of this nice guy thing i treat a freind of mine like a godess and yet she shot me down on several ocasions (a few were un-intentional) and when i finally asked why she said because she still liked her ex to much to try another relationship even tho she said they would never date again and she left him because he's an ass and such But,She keeps leading me on and saying she has similar feelings for me and then she yells at me when i ask her to go out with me.... in short i have some weird ass issue on my hands i dont know wht to do with..
afrophysics: I wish a female Escapizen would come along and *ratt tat tat* a lot of these posts.
Why HELLO! I am of the female gender and I... yeah... man, this thread. This thread.
The "boo hoo I'm a nice guy and I don't get girls" thing always sticks in my craw. Fer starters, lots of this is a matter of perspective. You go up to a girl and say you like her and she rejects you? Well, rejection happens! To all guys, no matter where they reside upon the nice/jerk scale. Dating is HARD. Relationships are CONFUSING. Heartbreak is INEVITABLE, no matter how 'nice' you are or how much money you make or how big your willy is.
Immediately turning around and declaring that the girl who rejected you is a shallow ungrateful hussy that is too dumb to know what kind of guy she really deserves is... while an understandable reaction to the pain of gettin' shivved in the heart... sexist and offensive. The implication that females are all too stupid to recognize what's good for them is... well c'mon. It's not very NICE, is it? Are you really such a NICE GUY if that's your reaction to getting turned down? Wouldn't a truly nice guy take it with some dignity? Wouldn't he respect her right to make up her own mind? That's the big thing that irks me about these "nice guy" rants. Hurt is understandable, projecting that hurt in a generally mysogynistic fashion is... less good.
I'm dating quite the nice fella at the moment. Boy howdy, he's nice. He's also funny, attractive in a geekish way, we share many common interests, and he'll eat my wildly variable and experimental cooking. It's a good match! And y'know what, I bet the other girls out there realize that there's more to a relationship than just the guy being 'nice'. Nice is an important thing for a person to be... but it's important to be MORE than that. You can't just behave yourself, then line up for your mandatory obligatory girlfriend who must-take-you-cuz-yer-nice. You gotta have other things to put down on the table.
I know lots of guys that I'd describe as 'nice'. However, I wouldn't date most of them. And it's not BECAUSE they're nice, and it's not because I crave a man who will kick my cat and steal my money and break my heart. One doesn't share my sense of humor, so when we talk it can get awkward. Another doesn't have a job and seems to be making no particular attempts at mature adulthood. Another one is a hugely picky eater and thus will likely never eat any of my cooking (hey, it's important to me.) Ect ect ect I don't like everyone in THAT WAY, and I bet you don't like everyone in THAT WAY, either. And also, there are a few things less attractive than a whiner. Do you really want a girl who'll only date you out of PITY? Yech. Not my idea of a good relationship.
Oi. I haven't even gotten all the way through this thread. I may be back with more. Or I may just go and break out the rum to drown it all away.
afrophysics: I wish a female Escapizen would come along and *ratt tat tat* a lot of these posts.
Why HELLO! I am of the female gender and I... yeah... man, this thread. This thread.
The "boo hoo I'm a nice guy and I don't get girls" thing always sticks in my craw. Fer starters, lots of this is a matter of perspective. You go up to a girl and say you like her and she rejects you? Well, rejection happens! To all guys, no matter where they reside upon the nice/jerk scale. Dating is HARD. Relationships are CONFUSING. Heartbreak is INEVITABLE, no matter how 'nice' you are or how much money you make or how big your willy is.
Immediately turning around and declaring that the girl who rejected you is a shallow ungrateful hussy that is too dumb to know what kind of guy she really deserves is... while an understandable reaction to the pain of gettin' shivved in the heart... sexist and offensive. The implication that females are all too stupid to recognize what's good for them is... well c'mon. It's not very NICE, is it? Are you really such a NICE GUY if that's your reaction to getting turned down? Wouldn't a truly nice guy take it with some dignity? Wouldn't he respect her right to make up her own mind? That's the big thing that irks me about these "nice guy" rants. Hurt is understandable, projecting that hurt in a generally mysogynistic fashion is... less good.
I'm dating quite the nice fella at the moment. Boy howdy, he's nice. He's also funny, attractive in a geekish way, we share many common interests, and he'll eat my wildly variable and experimental cooking. It's a good match! And y'know what, I bet the other girls out there realize that there's more to a relationship than just the guy being 'nice'. Nice is an important thing for a person to be... but it's important to be MORE than that. You can't just behave yourself, then line up for your mandatory obligatory girlfriend who must-take-you-cuz-yer-nice. You gotta have other things to put down on the table.
I know lots of guys that I'd describe as 'nice'. However, I wouldn't date most of them. And it's not BECAUSE they're nice, and it's not because I crave a man who will kick my cat and steal my money and break my heart. One doesn't share my sense of humor, so when we talk it can get awkward. Another doesn't have a job and seems to be making no particular attempts at mature adulthood. Another one is a hugely picky eater and thus will likely never eat any of my cooking (hey, it's important to me.) Ect ect ect I don't like everyone in THAT WAY, and I bet you don't like everyone in THAT WAY, either. And also, there are a few things less attractive than a whiner. Do you really want a girl who'll only date you out of PITY? Yech. Not my idea of a good relationship.
Oi. I haven't even gotten all the way through this thread. I may be back with more. Or I may just go and break out the rum to drown it all away.
Dustereg: So yeah i hve a pretty bad case of this nice guy thing i treat a freind of mine like a godess and yet she shot me down on several ocasions (a few were un-intentional) and when i finally asked why she said because she still liked her ex to much to try another relationship even tho she said they would never date again and she left him because he's an ass and such But,She keeps leading me on and saying she has similar feelings for me and then she yells at me when i ask her to go out with me.... in short i have some weird ass issue on my hands i dont know wht to do with..
The issue here is that your friend probably likes to know that you like her, cuz it makes her feel all awwwh nice special... meanwhile, she feels no obligation to be honest with you and either turn you down completely or go back to her frickin' ex. She's keeping you around as a spare. That's not very nice on her part. You don't have to be as nice in return. I'd step back from her, realize that you're not doing yourself any good by continuing to rank her as a goddess, and put your energy towards more fruitful pursuits.
Being good to someone and getting nothing in return isn't nice. It's being a doormat. It's not good for a guy or a girl to be doing.
Dustereg: So yeah i hve a pretty bad case of this nice guy thing i treat a freind of mine like a godess and yet she shot me down on several ocasions (a few were un-intentional) and when i finally asked why she said because she still liked her ex to much to try another relationship even tho she said they would never date again and she left him because he's an ass and such But,She keeps leading me on and saying she has similar feelings for me and then she yells at me when i ask her to go out with me.... in short i have some weird ass issue on my hands i dont know wht to do with..
Maybe it was your awful spelling and grammar that turned her off? /Pretentious joke
It was stated earlier on that if you treat her like a goddess then she thinks you ahve no spine, which turns her off, but I think yelling at you for asking her out is an overreaction. Other than that I don't know what to tell you.
Lampdevil: *snip* Oi. I haven't even gotten all the way through this thread. I may be back with more. Or I may just go and break out the rum to drown it all away.
If you haven't read the thread, don't reply so outraged, we have actually covered many of the issues you brought up
Dustereg: So yeah i hve a pretty bad case of this nice guy thing i treat a freind of mine like a godess and yet she shot me down on several ocasions (a few were un-intentional) and when i finally asked why she said because she still liked her ex to much to try another relationship even tho she said they would never date again and she left him because he's an ass and such But,She keeps leading me on and saying she has similar feelings for me and then she yells at me when i ask her to go out with me.... in short i have some weird ass issue on my hands i dont know wht to do with..
The issue here is that your friend probably likes to know that you like her, cuz it makes her feel all awwwh nice special... meanwhile, she feels no obligation to be honest with you and either turn you down completely or go back to her frickin' ex. She's keeping you around as a spare. That's not very nice on her part. You don't have to be as nice in return. I'd step back from her, realize that you're not doing yourself any good by continuing to rank her as a goddess, and put your energy towards more fruitful pursuits.
Being good to someone and getting nothing in return isn't nice. It's being a doormat. It's not good for a guy or a girl to be doing.
the thing is, is although its her ex stopping me from having a working relationship its also partially my fault at one point we were going out for about a week befre i destroyed that particular incident due to the fact i was in a spiraling depression and she pulled me out of it making me a bit clingy and she said that that was another issue but im over that now and now she keeps leading me on and ect... (also my reluctancy for any "physical" relationship is bothersome to her as well)
anoththing is ive always treated her nice (i do with all of my freinds) but up until recently have i been going the extra mile for her but we have been good freinds for a majority of the time we knew each other
Well I haven't read every post in here, I don't have the patience to be honest. I'll just give some general thoughts.
Now part of the problem for the "nice guy" is that he may not be letting his intentions be known, or he's doing a horrible job at it. If he's giving mixed signals about it, it makes things confusing. And no, we don't like jerks so much like some have implied (or at least I don't and most girls don't) but things are more than black and white. Sometimes you may be the nicest guy ever and there really isn't a problem with you, but it's just not going to work. I assume you've all had friends who were girls that you didn't have intentions to be in a relationship with? It's the same thing. Sometimes guys (and girls) just have to accept that no matter how hard they try, how perfect things might seem, some people just won't want to go out with you. The sooner people realise this, nurse their bruised ego and move on, the better.
Also, you may even be overrating how amazingly awesome and nice you are and that you might not be the girl's perfect guy. Once again, some things just aren't meant to happen.
Now I noticed someone mentioned that after being friends with a girl for an amount of time, revealed that he was into her, and then she stopped talking to him. She's probably gets the feeling that the only reason you hanged around her was to eventually go out with her. She might just really not want to be friends with you anymore. You'll have to get over her before you try being friends with her if she's think that. And i
I'm not worrying about what could have been, I'm just a person that needs answers and closure, so if she doesn't want to talk to me, fine, I just want to know why.