This is a thread for the strangest and funniest quotes you have heard around an RPG table. Last words (especially if it was just before a TPK) are appreciated.
And so, I will start with one I heard secondhand: "I sneak-attack him with a ballista!" (Heard during a tournament, and yes, the ballista sneak attack actually worked)
My first time dungeon mastering with all the handbooks (we actually tried to play using only a monster manual once :P):
Up ahead in the road, you see a traveling bard, he introduces himself as Omar, and he will be important later on in the story, wait, f**k, I wasn't supposed to say that part. Now I have to find a new campaign, Jesus.
Sorcerer: "I open the sack." DM: "You see three goblets." Sorcerer: "I cast Detect Magic." DM: "You don't need to. One of them bashes you in the face." Rogue: "I throw a knife at the goblet." (DM tries to talk the rogue out of doing that and fails; one attack roll, damage roll, and Heal check later:) DM: "Okay, so the knife hits the sorcerer in the back of the neck, dropping him, but he's stable at -2. And the goblet starts going after you. And you just took down the only character in the party that could handle it easily."
Sorry for my poor memory which kills most of the lol factor but here's how it goes:
During a very late game:
GM - You come across huge steel doors.There is no way you can open them.
Player 1 - Attempts to bash the doors open.
GM - The doors fail to move.(OOC:Listen, you guys woke me up in the middle of the night to do this roleplay and I don't have any of my resources.I really can't remember what was behind these doors.Just leave it.)
Player 1 - Scans for a hidden unlocking mechanism.
GM - There are no hidden mechanism because the door consists of two steel blocks slapped together.(OOC: Just go!)
Player 1 - Examines the door for any strange markings.
GM - The door has some unknown ancient runes engraved on it's surface.You're unable to read it. (OOC: Do it.)
Player 1 - Cast "Translate".
GM - Suddenly you're able to understand the ancient runes.
Player 1 - Reads the ancient runes.
GM - The Ancient Runes say: FOR FUCK'S SAKE STOP PISSING THE GAME MASTER OFF!
Player: I make them notice me! GM and other players: You what? Player: I MAKE them notice me? GM: Alright, you stand up and wave your arms around like an idiot, the drug dealers notice you, draw several large automatic weapons and open fire. Player: I didn't mean it like that...
(In defense of the GM, it was a superhero game, the player could take a few bullets)
[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer. [GM]Dave>> The color of the day is cheese. Player>> ... Uhh... Player>> Hi? [GM]Dave>> I ask you: what sound does tomorrow make? [GM]Dave>> The otter wants to know. Player>> The what? Player>> What otter? [GM]Dave>> That is a question. [GM]Dave>> It bears the mark of the question. [GM]Dave>> I fear it. Player>> What's going on? [GM]Dave>> Yes, Yes, YES. [GM]Dave>> What is going on indeed? [GM]Dave>> Only the otter can tell us. Player>> WHAT OTTER? [GM]Dave>> Quiet, you mad fool! [GM]Dave>> They will hear you. Player>> WHO? [GM]Dave>> You have spoken with the owl? [GM]Dave>> He is a delicious bird. [GM]Dave>> Delicious in his madness. Player>> I have no idea what the hell you're saying! [GM]Dave>> What is knowing? [GM]Dave>> The otter knows. Player>> WHAT GODDAMNED OTTER?! [GM]Dave>> He has heard you. [GM]Dave>> The end times have begun. [GM]Dave>> Tomorrow shall make no sound. Player>> You're freaking crazy. [GM]Dave>> Quickly! We must hide! [GM]Dave>> I can feel his apathy. Player>> What do you mean hide?
*warp*
Area: Mordion Gaol
Player>> Oh, Christ. Player>> What the hell now?! [GM]Dave>> WE ARE LOST!!! [GM]Dave>> THE OTTER HAS FOUND US!!! Player>> Where? [GM]Dave>> There! [GM]Dave>> He sits there bathing in our fear! Player>> That? Player>> That's what you're afraid of?! Player>> IT'S A FREAKING RABBIT! [GM]Dave>> That is only what it wants you to think. [GM]Dave>> The truth lies underneath. [GM]Dave>> Underneath lies madness. Player>> OH SHUT UP! Player>> I'll kill it.
The Wild Hare uses Acquiessense. Player is defeated by the Otter.
In a Warhammer Fantasy game: "So first this guy gave me a flaming sword. Then I took a mutation and got bat wings. Then I tried on a magic ring and got permenant claws. It's like the dice are TRYING to turn me into a demon."
I was playing this wierd game before set in the future or something GM: So these guys are from a planet 10,000 light years away and defend the galaxy, where as these guys are from a planet full of darkness and war" Me: How do you no all this GM: um.. i read it from this hand book, i keep right next to .... (He went to pick up a hand book of a nearby table, and noticed it was gone) Me: You mean this handbook (I took it well he wasn't looking) GM: give that back Me: did you just memorise it, Gm: well um... Me: do you even have a job or girl friend? Gm: do you? Me: i don't have to im 13 not 22
GM: You see 3 orcs behind the corner: Wizzard: no I don't! they're behind the corner! GM: Wizzard doesn't notice the orc because h'es too buisy eating a mars bar. Wizzard: No mars bar in my inventory. GM: Ranger notices a mars bar sticking out of wizzard's ass, he better give it away to the wizzard. Ranger: I eat the assy mars bar. GM:Wizzard notices the ranger eating his mars bar. Wizzard: I CAST FIREBALL ON HIM! GM: FB deals 10 damage to ranger! Ranger: I punch wizzard. GM: Punch deals 2 damage to wizzard. Warrior: I drink punch GM: Punch deals 2 damage to Warrior. Warrior: OMG THE PUNCH IS ALIVE! GM:Punch deals 2 damage to Warrior. Warrior: I kick punch! GM:Punch deals 2 damage to Warrior. Kick does 0 damage to punch. Warrior: I charge at punch! GM:Punch deals 2 damage to Warrior. Charge does 0 damage to punch. Warrior: I puke at punch! Wizzard: I nuke at punch! Ranger: I suck at punch! Punch: MUAHAHHAHA (Gm did this) GM:Punch deals 2 damage to Warrior.Warrior dies. Warrior: that punch must be multi-classed.... GM: Ranger horror roll. 5. your spirit is 3 soo... you get an infarct. Ranger: from what? GM: imagine a cup of punch killing a huge warrior. Ranger: TERRIFYING! ranger is stunned. Wizzard: I have no choice... I MUST! wizzard dies. Wizzard: w8, rez me. wizzard somehow rezzez lol. Wizzard: I USE!... wizzard dies Wizzard: fuck! GM: the group is dead. god of life grants you... Every1: this sux.
*This is a call of cthulhu game; renowned for its subtlty* "Ok so our crisis is in the basement" "Yes, it would seem there are many many things down there" "alright, i'm going to roll to see if i can get my hands on some top shelf firearms *this character is a weapons lobbiest so he has connections* *Rolls* "I hate you so much" "Can i get some trench coats to go with these?"
Me: I want to climb the building using my Gnomish mace. DM: Ok. Me: *Rolls* I did it! DM: Note to everyone that he forgot something. Me: Huh? Wha-- Ooohh, yeah. You can't draw weapons in a city without court to follow. DM: Luckily you were in a backyard where no one can see you.
friend: ok, i corner the two gnomes in the ally, i want to knock them out... dm: ok, roll for the first one. friend: *rolls* ok, i roll 20 DM: ...ok, you hit him on the head with the hilt of your sword, you knock his head out and blood splatters all over the wall and his friend. the second gnome turns around screaming. friend: ...dammit.
NPC: "All right, so you have a reputation as an excellent gladiator. Now you need a stage name." Fighter: "Umm... let me think about that..." Me: (enters room) "Hey horseface, let's go." Would have been funny if it'd stuck...
So not quite a true RP, but it comes from "Arkham Horror" the boardgame based on H.P. Lovecraft's stories
Card: You walk into a room where Cthulhu is sleeping, roll your sneak skill to get away Rolls Succeeds Me: Phew, he's still asleep Friend: so you essentially just walked in, saw Cthulhu and said "Oh S," and tiptoed backward? How'd you get away with that?!?
Omnidum: We have an annoying player in my group, and everytime he get's damaged:
YOU GAAAAYYYY!!!!! *roaring*
Each fight takes five minutes if he's hit...
That guy is an idiot, look at this:
Andreas the Coward: I'll just stay here, safe from the dark set of stairs. Me: I push him down the stairs. Teh DM: Please roll your Agility check, Andreas. Andreas: *Rolls* NOOO! I missed it!! DM: You tumble down the stairs, getting 5 points of damage.
That was actually revenge for him ruining my lookout point in a dining hall.
This is a thread for the strangest and funniest quotes you have heard around an RPG table. Last words (especially if it was just before a TPK) are appreciated.
And so, I will start with one I heard secondhand:
"I sneak-attack him with a ballista!" (Heard during a tournament, and yes, the ballista sneak attack actually worked)