you get a flat squirrel

i put in a toe nail clipping

You get scratched to death by a pack of (rabid) capuchins

I put in my imaginary children (Jetho and Tull)

Johnn Johnston:
A sickle marked 'Death' and a stamp with John Galt's face jets out.

I put in a prophetic dream.

Wait, what?

Jethro and Tull come out as Teenage Jethro T Lull.

I put in a flashlight devoid of any traces of this site.

You get a bad Zero Punctuation clone.

I put in a bad hamburger (made of Kangaroo)

You get a boomerang. To the face.

I put in a shot of vodka

you get akdov fo tohs.!

I put in ice cream.

You get out a cone.

I put in a video on the History of the SDP.

You get a little card that says "vote for PurpleRain".

I put in 5 USB drives.

you get an USB cable.

I put in aussiesniper.

you get a medic

i put in a violin

You get an orchestra.

I put in a miniture version of my Star Destroyer.

you get a mini Darth Vader

I put in £5

You get $9, and a note explaining the commission fee.

I put in centrifugal force.

You get centripetal force.

I put in an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman.

You get a joke so funny it cannot possibly be typed without risking the breaking of the blagosphere.

I put in an Olympic rower.

You get the song "America-FUCK YEAH" Playing over an intercom
I put in a can of Ginger Ale

You get a bottle of Absinthe - it isn't illegal in Britain!

I put in my first-born son.

A glowing blue hand thrusts out of the Vending machine holding a glistening sword, a distant feminine voice says "Go now John Johnson, and win honour and glory for the Sith Democratic Party"

I put in a plain (maybe slightly rusty) bucket that has been used by an elderly milkmaid for the last fourty years (presumably for collecting cow juice)

You get a gift certificate for 0$

i put in robin williams

You get a chart which (after careful analysis) you discover says that the average hairyness of human beings outside of the vending machine has decreased by 7 percent

I put in my new check for 0$, with a note saying "Give me my bucket back you slag!"

With a spluttering noise, green ooze seeps from the machine. Apparently it was lactose intollerant.

I find a new one and insert a george foreman grill.

Gary Coleman pops out
I put in a wireless mouse

A deformed fleshy mess flops out of the machine, looks up at you with it's lone eyeball and cries out "Please kill me"

I put in sunshine, lollypops and rainbows (that were all around me)

What is it with this thread and flashlights?

You get back Charlie the Unicorn.

I put in Pixar Animation Studios.

you get a ceiling fan

i put in a years supply of moldy hotdogs that i found under my seat

A monstrous hot dog monster appears and envelops you in a weird meaty wave of death

I put in my self esteem

You get a bully picking on you

I put in master chief and 10 grunts

The Machine emits a low pitched buzzing noise for a few seconds before suddenly belowing "There is only room for one robotic asshole in here!" and chewing the master cheif to death (The grunts however, remain completely unharmed)

I put in Lassie, Who wanted to save the "Little dudes" stuck in the machine (her words not mine)

As an interesting side note, all of the dogs that played lassie in the films were man dogs.

You get a cat, inside out

I put in a job application for Office works

You get a large bundle of twine.

I put those Reset Generation ads in

You get a Nokia 3310 :P

I put a wireless router inside

You get an incompetent network technician.

I put in a grilled peanut butter and pickle sandwich.

You get a cheese omlette.

I put in my best pun.