a-----hahahahahahahahahahaha!
it's about time, Yahtzee - f***ing FPS game makers are asleep
http://mikephilbin.blogspot.com/2006/05/fps-game-makers-are-asleep.html

:)

Okay, good stuff, but there's one moment when my eyes nearly fell out of my sockets...

Blood! (And to a lesser extent, Redneck Rampage)

An absolute gem of the sprite era shooters that I've been praising to no end ever since it came out. Thank you for getting it some widespread fame Yahtzee, however short it was. Usually you only hear about Duke Nukem from that era, but it had some very worthy contemporaries.

Btw, Resistance: Fall of Man pulled a weird one by having regenerating health in four quadrants. It created some tense moments when you made a few missteps and were stuck with only a quarter of your normal life and looking around anxiously for a med-canister. Though nowhere near as nasty as the moment you find yourself looking at that 1% health at the bottom of your screen and you can't backtrack for med-kits because the way behind you just collapsed.

awesome job yahtzee

What Flaming-Gerbil, Joeshi, Articflame and Deatre said. (/tips hat)

David Cat:

If you want to argue, then just email me at
david_c_a_t@hotmail.co.uk, I find forum arguments disorganised and inconsistent.

I like forum arguments because they aren't as clumsy or random as a blast...sorry, email arguments; and it prevents my hotmail box from being spammed by someone taking their personal opinion as TEH LAWZOR!!!!111!

Apart from being cheaper, easier, more accurate, greater flexibility, more standard, more variety, smoother, faster and more available, what have mice ever done for us?

And Mice are also easily inserted anally than joypads, just ask Richard Gere. (Allegedly)

dave.k:

nightfish:
One has to wonder though what the point of being a games reviewer is in Australia. I mean not only do you have the release date problems but a ridiculously strict censor board.

The basic problem is, that games in Australia _must_ be classified before they can be sold, and there is no "R" classification for games. The end result is that any game that are adult only, are refused classification and are effectively banned.

There is hope though. The new government is looking into establishing the "R" rating for games. Actually, the only person that opposes it is some conservative politician from South Australia. Let's hope he fails.

indeed, especially weird since apparently the average age of gamers in Australia is 28

huh, from the demo i played of turok, i felt that the controls were not sensitive enough, even on the highest setting it would take me about 2 seconds to do a complete 180, and when you're being flanked by 8 dinosaurs that's no good. maybe the sensitivity is different on the 360 version?

I am glad that somebody else actually knows about Redneck Rampage besides me. Health Bars Are needed.
Side Note:Screw Halo.

Every time Yahtzee takes a crack at Fuckley I smile.

Mad Pony:
Beddo you infuriate me, and I'm showing incredible restraint here by using the word "infuriate". The manner in which you reviewed this game is infinitely less interesting than Yahtzee's own review. You're either incredibly ignorant of the way people perceive you or you've the balls the size of sputnik, because if neither of these states were the case then you certainly wouldn't have posted a review of a game within the thread devoted to a review of the very same game.

God only knows how many times before you've used other people's opinions to soapbox your own ideas from. I know it's terribly upsetting to you that people aren't constantly asking your opinion but if I have to read another of your insipid, pseudo-intellectual ramblings I will f'ing lose it. AND I HAVE ONLY READ TWO!

I'm not done though! You name instance after instance of why turok sucks, and then you go ahead and say it's a good game. A GOOD GAME!? What else was good, you schmuck? Super Man 64? Friday the 13th for the 8-Bit Nintendo? How did you feel about DAI KATANA? 10/10 RIGHT?

Dear Mad Pony,

Do I know you, it certainly sounds like that is the case but nonetheless, I shall endeavour to reply, please remember your post is most import to us.

Firstly I did not approach my 'review' of Turok in the same manner as that of the aforementioned Mr.Crowhaw. I used a different medium and concentrated on the gameplay rather than focusing on some of the 'weaknesses' of the genre as a whole. I posted my review, merely, as an alternative view to that which Zero Punctuation viewers may have just seen.

Note that you contradict yourself; you claiming that my piece is infinitely less interesting than Yahtzee's yet you felt more inclined to comment on my work than his. Ergo, my work is clearly of sufficient interest to warrant your time, undoubtedly an unusual paradox.

In general I try not to let the way people perceive me affect any aspect of what I do though, I suppose, we are all slaves to perception. While I do not wish to infuriate anyone I am glad that my review was at least read and considered although I am somewhat concerned as you appear to become quite upset during the latter stages of your post. If you do not wish to read my posts may I suggest that when you see my avatar you merely skip past; a somewhat crude but effective solution.

If you would care to give a more detailed criticism of my work I would be more than happy to consider your point of view. However, your current critique of my work is somewhat lacking in substance. While I, nor any other can truely deny the influence of other materials, I am curious as to whose ideas you believe I have 'soapboxed'. Moreover, could you state where exactly you see any psuedo-intellectualism?

You appear to conclude that criticising areas of Turok necessitates that the entire game is poor. Perhaps you are not aware of the theory of emergence; in 'laymens' terms; the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. With this in mind I can easily justify the conclusion that the game as a whole is good despite its shortcomings.

I am afraid the I did not play any of the games that you listed and am therefore unable to comment. Perhaps I will get round to them in due time.

Oh, and, just to come down to your level; If you love Yahtzee so much why don't you marry him. I'm sure you'll get the reference.

Regards,

Beddo

http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/duty_calls.png

flak_towers:
I am not prepared to read all 137 comments before this one to see if anyone has made the same point I'm about to make and I realise that makes me lazy but I just can't help but feel that The Escapist could quite easily fork out for a UK or US version of the big 3 consoles and order the games in the mail from Play or amazon or whatever. Perhaps those nice people at Valve could Fed-Ex them over so Yahtze can review all those lovely games that people are howling for him to review without suffering so much from the fact that Australian time is half a year behind everyone else. Christmas in summer... the nerve of that country.

Here's why not - thats illegal. Its not unethical, but its illegal. Bringing in a console that is able to play games not designed for the PAL territories (and hence outside the jurisdiction of the OFLC)is a trading offense, and putting evidence of this up on the web would be stupid. So, if you want this to change, I suggest you go to the Australian embassy of whatever country you are from, find out where John Winston Howard is now, fly down here, and give him a wedgie. This will promote you instantly to the House Of Representatives in a Labour seat. Then use your clout to repeal said law.

And you will not criticize the Aussie Christmas until you have woken wit the dawns early light tickling your nose through the tree's, waking up, and having a two hour breakfast of Fresh seafood (including prawns, lobster, and Bugs) and summer fruits....bliss. Then jumping in the pool instead of a shower, followed by a barbie, with steaks, sausages, bacon, onions, chops, you name it. You haven't seen a perfect day till you've seen this.

Vortigar:
Btw, Resistance: Fall of Man pulled a weird one by having regenerating health in four quadrants. It created some tense moments when you made a few missteps and were stuck with only a quarter of your normal life and looking around anxiously for a med-canister. Though nowhere near as nasty as the moment you find yourself looking at that 1% health at the bottom of your screen and you can't backtrack for med-kits because the way behind you just collapsed.

The point is, while Resistance gave you a helping hand, giving you a chance to pull yourself from the very brink of death, you could only pull yourself so far. If you dash into a room filled with Chimera and go Rambo mode, you will be left with the tiniest sliver. Now, you have a chance to dig yourself out of this pit of stupidity with some well played tactical moves, but you're not going to take a two minute break then do it again.

Then, there's the 4 grenades. You have the typical one, cept this one will launch the fuckers into the air, and make em faceplant (No-one, cept the Widowmakers, the Angels and the Titans, walks away from these boys. They dive, or they die). You have the Hedgehog, that deploys motherfucking spikes at you like the death of The Fear, or the Darts Game from hell. You have an air fuel grenade, that fills an entire room with gas, then lights it.

Then there's a story that, in order to make sense, has to alter human history slightly. The following events never happen - American involvement in the Great War, and Overthrow of the Russian Czar. Together, this means there is no post war boom, and hence no great depression, no reason for the German people to listen to a crazy man named Adolf, no reason for the Italians to heed a man named Mousillini, and no Japanese imperialism. Then the Chimera attack. If you scratch just a little deeper, this is one of your more intruiging plots.

I think the reason he doesn't want to review this game is he doesn't want to be found dead with forks in his eyes.

Indigo_Dingo:

ClassicThunder:
This was the very worst on in my opinion. Low on humor and just a bit of bitching about the way modern FPSs are heading. I just kind of went WTF and didn't even grin. He's should stay away from FPSs if he doesn't want progress and to remain in the early nintindo era.

He wants progress, just not progress towards shit. I don't expect a Halo fanboy like you to understand the concept of quality, but some of us actually do.

I'm guessing Lost next week, to prove just how shit it is down here.

Funny that anyone who doesn't agree with him is a Halo fanboy. Faster gameplay, more balanced multiplayer, and better graphics is quality. Don't post unless you have something intelligent to say, Yahtzee fanboy. Funny thing is that games that follow these trends out sell almost everything and constantly win game of the year.

Nice review, but what I'd really like to say thanks for is what you said about jrpgs in the Super Paper Mario and Mass Effect reviews!
I got the chance to use them in an argument with a final fantasy fan and it worked great.
The little brat actually shut her Sepiroth kissing mouth up!

shadow1138:
The little brat actually shut her Sepiroth kissing mouth up!

Nice try, but there is no such thing as Girl Gamers.

ClassicThunder:

Indigo_Dingo:

ClassicThunder:
This was the very worst on in my opinion. Low on humor and just a bit of bitching about the way modern FPSs are heading. I just kind of went WTF and didn't even grin. He's should stay away from FPSs if he doesn't want progress and to remain in the early nintindo era.

He wants progress, just not progress towards shit. I don't expect a Halo fanboy like you to understand the concept of quality, but some of us actually do.

I'm guessing Lost next week, to prove just how shit it is down here.

Funny that anyone who doesn't agree with him is a Halo fanboy. Faster gameplay, more balanced multiplayer, and better graphics is quality. Don't post unless you have something intelligent to say, Yahtzee fanboy. Funny thing is that games that follow these trends out sell almost everything and constantly win game of the year.

The lines were drawn in the Psychonauts review, between the games-r-art hippies (I like to consider myself as being in this category, as I once read through the plot and issue analysis of Killer 7), and the people who went to see Sweeney Todd and claimed the singing ruined it. People who want a deep storyline, cunning enemy AI, realistic physics, etc. vs. people who, well, like Halo

To those people who DON'T agree with EVERY SINGLE POINT in this review, play Quake 3.

I don't care how old it is or how rubbish the graphics are or how annoying Sarge's taunt is, play it and you will be playing one of the best first person shooters with online multiplayer in the WORLD.

EDIT:

Godot:
there is no such thing as Girl Gamers.

Be glad you do not know my sister.

- XP

Xenon Pretzel:

Be glad you do not know my sister.

You may want to check "She" may be a "He"... :3

ClassicThunder:
Faster gameplay, more balanced multiplayer, and better graphics is quality.

Nope, BETTER gameplay, BETTER multiplayer and BETTER Graphics is quality. The first two are just soundbites placed on adverts to sell more copies without actually meaning anything.

And Quake 3 is pants, Camp the Quad with a Rocket Launcher and you win everytime.

He mentioned Space Marines!! Woooo!! Awww I really hope he can do Soulstorm at some point in time... *hopes* ...and I loved the joke about power armour a few points later. Taking the p*** out of Space Marines is a favourite hobby of mine... *grins*

i hope when No More Heroes comes out for you you review it and the shittiness of the censoring if your not covered with the stars and stripes

Xenon Pretzel:
To those people who DON'T agree with EVERY SINGLE POINT in this review, play Quake 3.

I don't care how old it is or how rubbish the graphics are or how annoying Sarge's taunt is, play it and you will be playing one of the best first person shooters with online multiplayer in the WORLD.

EDIT:

Godot:
there is no such thing as Girl Gamers.

Be glad you do not know my sister.

- XP

I have Q3 is ok but UT99 is better UT03 is about as good as Q3 and UT04 is alot better than it.

Nothing beats unreals bot AI.

Deatre:

ctrees:
But wait... Gordon Freeman wore powered armor...

*GASP*

Yeah, but that wasn't the size of four brick shithouses stacked together. Harr.

Arcticflame:

Britney Spears is also popular.

Game, set and match.

I see your Britney Spears and raise you a Paris Hilton. (I suppose it's popular... or maybe love to hate?)

infinitysend:
Metroid Prime was made by Retro Studios, which was formed by former members of Iguana Entertainment, which in turn created the Turok games on the Nintendo64. So we have come full circle now, haven't we?

Then again, wasn't that Turok actually good? (Compared to the multiple crappy sequals)

Turok was ok but the series shined the most with Turok 2 head shots FTW!
T2 was just an awesome Turok game, 3 has a ton of issues but is still pretty cool, evo has even more issues and lesser designs which makes it about as bad as the new one.

David Cat:

Firstly, you should stop taking the piss out of ctrl+alt+del also. If it is SO shit then why is it so popular?

Just because it's popular doesn't mean it's good.

Hi all :D

I really enjoyed the old N64 Turok, but the new one looks indeed like the perfect example of a generic FPS.

Alright, Q3 is one of the best FPS's in the world that I have played..

Also, it has hundreds of mods, but that's another matter altogether.

-XP

Xenon Pretzel:
Alright, Q3 is one of the best FPS's in the world that I have played..

Also, it has hundreds of mods, but that's another matter altogether.

-XP

best? its a generic MP shooter that has above average map designs, Q2 is 5X better,even UT03 with its nerfy weapons has as good level layouts and better weapons.... and O4 perfects the direct 03 started stillnto as mindlessly fun as UT99 but its still loads better than Q3...4 and Doom 3....

"Turok" has "generic FPS" written all over it to the extent that it's almost a parody. Except without being in the least entertaining...

Why don't the Escapist editors just send you new games to review?

xenoploid:
Why don't the Escapist editors just send you new games to review?

Have you not been listening dude? Thats illegal due to OFLC intervention, and putting evidence of a crime on a popular internet site is just stupid. I agree its retarded enough to be an American law, but as long as I live in this flowering coastal paradise I have to go with what the dickheads in charge say. Oh well. Make us proud, Rudd. At least when you're done exterminating all traces of unambiguosly self-serving and shallow policy made between you and Keating.

It's not illegal to review content if it is sent directly from the developer or publisher to the reviewer. That is why you see 'inside' stories in magazines and such.

Indigo_Dingo:
I suggest you go to the Australian embassy of whatever country you are from, find out where John Winston Howard is now, fly down here, and give him a wedgie.

He lost his seat, remember?

He's nothing now.

*Dances*

beddo:
It's not illegal to review content if it is sent directly from the developer or publisher to the reviewer. That is why you see 'inside' stories in magazines and such.

Yeah, but no-one sends him copies of games. Thats really the major problem. If they didn't let the people at Psm get a Ps3 until everybody else down here, they probably won't give it to someone they don't think is serious, or else everyone down here will start calling themselves a reviewer and demand free games NOW!

thebobmaster:
Awesome choice of songs. Also, I agree 300% about health meters.

i agree 4%,as if im hit one more time with a fps without health meters,and instead a "wuss timer"i will go to 0% and die.seriously.bring them back!

good review