Discuss and rate the last movie you watched

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Zoolander 2

I consider the original Zoolander, along with Dodgeball and Tropic Thunder to be some of Ben Stiller's absolutely best work and one of the best comedies in general. It is a deconstruction of both the fashion world and how the public sees it, but most importantly it has heart and even as it mocks its' own cast mercilessly, the movie does so with warmth. That is absolutely gone in Zoolander 2. Not only is that heart gone, but most of the jokes are simply variations, call backs or repeats of jokes in the first movie. On top of that the movie has less to say about its' subject (and even when it tries to have a point about being a model and aging it fumbles badly) and instead replaces it with absurdity, which mostly fell flat for me.

That being said, some jokes still hit the mark, many of the celebrity camos are hilarious (Kiefer Sutherland as Hansel's lover standing out) and Will Farrell manages to find that fine balance between reasonable and absurd that made Mugatu a stand out character in the first movie. All in all, 4/10. I can't recommend it, but if you liked Zoolander there will be enough in there to at least make it worth the running time.

Hellraiser (1987), 6/10

A horror classic for a reason, but it's a bit dated. Even though it's only 90 minutes long, it sure as hell (pun very fucking intended) takes its time in the setup, and the most famous scenes are all in the last 15-20 minutes. It's rather apparent why this is, since the budget was only $1,000,000, which can't have been that much more 30 years ago than it is now. I think this is one of those cases where I'd be okay with a remake if done right, since the technological limitations of the time imposed by the special effects are really obvious a lot of the time, and the banishing effects are cheesy as hell (again, pun intended).

I also came to realize how blatantly Kentaro Miura ripped off the cenobytes in creating the Godhand, even quoting the line "Angels to some, devils to others" almost verbatim. I'm not really sure where the line between homage and ripoff goes, but the Godhand feel firmly like the latter after watching this.

The cenobytes themselves are actually very interesting on a conceptual level. Despite their brief appearance, they show a lot of personality and difference from typical movie monsters: they're not completely inhuman and sadistic, or uncomprehending, bestial minds. They're willing to bargain and listen, and even show distress when Kirsty is closing the box. They can open gateways into otherwordly places, but they're not omnipotent or omniscient. The fact that it's never clearly explained what their origin is (despite the title), and that the visions they produce on arrival aren't typical "fire, blood and brimstone" affair, add to the mystery, lending it almost a Lovecraftian feel.

Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets - 3/10

I rather liked the first half or so. It's a completely bonkers space oddity, shamelessly indulgent and imaginative to a degree I haven't seen in a while. But then the actual plot kicks in and it becomes becomes a formulaic and predictable sci-fi mess with a scattered plot and mostly boring characters. In particular Dane DeHaan and Care Delivigne, who are supposed to be paramours, but come off as bickering siblings, constantly engaging in really cringy banter. It feels like Besson wanted to out-crazy his own The Fifth Element, but along the way forgot to inject the cheesy charm that made that movie work. Oh well, at least I got some nice visuals out of it.

bartholen:
Hellraiser (1987), 6/10

That is probably my most favorite horror movie for it's atmosphere alone. It's laid on so thick and the setting being basically no more than a house lends it a sort of intimacy that intensifies the pervasive dread. This movie could work if it was just about a cheating wife and a renegade 'bad boy' but the Cenobites instill a certain gothic presence that pervades the entire movie despite having little screentime. Usually in horror movies they go all out with the monsters but here they are taken seriously and the few moments you do see the Cenobites they are handled with a level of restraint that add to the ambiguity and mystery of their origin. Hellraiser 2 does a lot to flesh(ahem) out the lore but after that the 'franchise' becomes trash. HR1&2 are also the only movies the creator of Hellraiser had any direct involvement in. Speaking of which Clive Barker did want to make a remake for the longest time now but there is a lot of hussle with rights and restrictions. Hellraiser is such a cult classic that it would be wasted as typical Hollywood crap and Barker probably knows this.

I actually loved the practical make-up effects in the movie. Despite being 30 years old now for me they still hold up better than CGI animations. There is a level of grossness to actual props that computers can't match.

Murder on the Orient Express (2017)

The whole point of the movie is to be a big nostalgia trip for the kind of stuff you don't see in movies any more - the closed-doors whodunit mystery and the big star-studded cast of A-listers. Sticks pretty close to the Agatha Christie novel and doesn't do much different from the original Sidney Lumet adaptation from 1974... so much so you wonder why even bother making another one. It's really just the same movie again with an updated cast and visuals. In general I liked the look and fell of the movie, though I could've done without the CG train in all those second unit landscape shots. There's some pointless snippets of action done exclusively for the trailer. Branagh is good in not mimicking other older versions of Poirot. Most of the cast is wasted in tiny scenes and reaction shots. And I dont' know who the hell thought fucking Josh Gad was a good replacement for Anthony Perkins.

7/10

Unfriended.

Oh God what a piece of shit. I knew it was a "skype horror movie" but I didn't expect the entire fucking movie would be just that. Idiots screaming at each other while I look at a computer screen. I already have The Escapist. And to top it off, completely predictable shitty jump scare before the credits. Fuck you. Avoid/10

The Spirit of the Beehive (1973) - 9/10

Little girl deals with/tries to comprehend death. A beautiful movie. It looks beautiful and sounds beautiful. It's very visual, using little dialogue. Starts off kind of slow, but I didn't find it boring. I can see why it's considered a masterpiece of Spanish cinema.

Thor: Ragnarok - 7/10

It's the best of the Thor movies, by a wide margin. A fun and colorful romp of an action blockbuster that refuses to take itself too seriously. Dumb, but entertaining. Hemsworth, Hiddleston and Mark Ruffallo are charismatic as ever and Jeff Goldblum is his usual delicious shank of honey roasted ham. Blanchett felt a little a little underutilized. But what I liked the most is that it finally embraces just how silly and 'out there' Thor and the cosmic side of the Marvel universe is. Guess we have Guardians of the Galaxy to thank for that, although I know there are people who resent that.

Alien Covenant
This film...I...think I hate it the more I think about it. But for some reason still desire to recommend it, though only for a single viewing. Then maybe the hate will seep slowly into you too and we can share this confusion together. (If it is liked, then hey...no loss, right?)
Prometheus was alright. Flawed but had characters and intrigue. There, now that's out of the way, Covenant feels like an attempt to not only dispose of that illegitimate lovechild, but also to dispose of the tools used to dispose of the lovechild.

Everything intriguing and unique from that film?
Ehhh, fuck it...in the bin it goes! Have same vapid characters that get the bare minimum of character building before their unceremonious death instead.
What's that about another ancient civilization on another planet that we know nothing about?
Fuck 'em! Nobody wanted them...they wanted aliens murdering humans instead!
But what h...
Oh jeez, you just won't shut up about it , will you? Here's a throwaway scene that explains why we can't be arsed to do any world building...uhh, I mean why there is no civilization anymore...but look!...aliens! That's what you humans wanted, right?
What about that likeable protagonist from the first, do we get to see her story after she went through so much?

...

Hello?

...

Erm...so i see it looks like you're setting yourself up for a ridiculously obvious twist at the end which would void all our (vapid) character's struggles in this film too. You're not actually going to do that, are you? It's a bit of a dick move in a gauntlet of dick moves already.

Have you tried our coffee? It's delicious AND ethically sourced!

What? Just watch it, already.

Emoji Movie

If you have no problem subjecting your offspring to an orgy of large corporate advertisement thinly veiled as entertainment...go ahead!
If, however, you've grown deeply cynical of marketing and huge brands...this might make you physically ill and feel dirty inside. Do you really hate your children that much?

Xsjadoblayde:
Do you really hate your children that much?

I used to until you ate them. :(

It (2017) 6/10.

I'll admit I got taken in a bit by the hype, which this movie did not live up to. Oh it was all very well executed, the performances were great all around, the special effects were stellar, cinematography was great etc. But after being disturbed to my core by films like It Follows and It Comes at Night (see the pattern here?), this felt distinctly unsubtle in comparison. The division between the story sections and "ooooo scaaaryyy" sections was clear and concrete as a brick wall. The soundscape in particular bothered me: both the score and sound design were overblown to the point of taking me out of the movie. The fat kid escaping the bullies having practically action movie music in the background conveyed the completely wrong atmosphere. The old Hollywood technique of signaling the scary stuff with violins followed by ear-splinteringly loud scare ques just felt annoying and formulaic.

A perfect example of this is the scene of Georgie's brother going to the basement and having a hallucination of him with Pennywise. Georgie starts chanting "You'll float too" increasingly loudly, eventually bellowing with all his might while the score soars ever louder. I think it would have been far more effective to have no music in the scene, and instead have the escalation through the visuals: more children rising from the water. It says something about this lack of subtlety that the scariest scene for me in the whole movie was the two "eyes" in the darkness in the beginning, which turned out to be a fakeout.

And I just rolled my eyes through the scenes with the bullies. Yeah, open threats of violence, direct violence, just short of attempted murder, sure, no parents have any concern over this psycho roaming the streets. I know through Nostalgia Critic that this is something of a staple of King's, and one which IMO they could have adapted out, or at least changed somewhat. Hell, all you needed to do was to tone it down to the level of the bully from Stranger Things' 2nd season and I'd have believed him way more.

Murder on the Orient Express (6/10)

Disclosure in that I've never read the original novel, and my experience with Poirot is with the TV series with David Suchet. So taking this entirely on its own merits...well, I'm mixed.

On one hand, the film looks very nice (even if some of the CG is obvious), and Brannagh absolutely nails the role. Not once did I think "hey, that's Kevin Brannagh," while I recognized many of the other actors (who still do fine, don't get me wrong). He brings a great sense of humanity to Poirot, and catches the accent and mannerisms perfectly.

On the other, the plot is...mixed. Course this is down to the novel, but while I can enjoy a good whodunnit (Foyle's War, Death in Paradise, the Poirot TV series itself, etc.), the plot here feels very farfetched. Also, many times, info is plucked out of thin air. Stuff that Poirot has access to, but the audience can't possibly. For instance, without spoilers, X is revealed to be Y, but that reveal has no foreshadowing. This is systemic to the genre in my experience, but here, it feels especially pronounced.

Still, I enjoyed it. Good romp. Wouldn't mind the sequel that's been hinted at, if only to see more of Brannagh's acting.

Extinction 6/10

Solid little post-apocalyptic survival movie starring Jack from LOST that's more tense than a huge movie like Alien Covenant, which isn't saying much because Alien Covenant sucks. Special effects were unconvincing, making some shots look comic book-ish I guess, but the creatures themselves looked very good when they used actual people. It's sold as a zombie movie, but honestly, the creatures have a lot more in common with the crawlers from The Descent.

Justice League, 5/10.

Considering I was expecting nothing short of a disaster, those expectations weren't met. But it's really no good either. In terms of overall enjoyment it's about on par with BvS, but in a completely opposite way: BvS had extreme highs and lows, whereas this is just consistently 'meh' throughout. I'm actually surprised at how few things I even have to say about it. I like how they made Flash a geeky coward. And... that's about it. The one thing that I took away from this film and never expected to say is that I actually want to see the Aquaman movie whose plot synopsis they run through in about 30 seconds, as it sounded genuinely interesting. But other than that it's the most cookie-cutter, paint by numbers, average, bland, forgettable, insipid film possible and has neither stakes nor tension. I don't like or dislike it. It conjures about as much an emotional reaction as a cloud drifting in the sky. It's nowhere near the cringe incarnate of Suicide Squad, that's for sure. And the filmmaking was adequate.

But let's face it: this film was built on a rotten foundation. Right now I can trace it to 3 things in my mind:

1) The tone they picked for Man of Steel

When this whole shitshow started, it was clear that DC was still high on the Dark Knight train, having failed to notice the zillions Marvel raked in with their more light-hearted affair. Thus they decided that the starting shot for their expansive universe was going to be dreary, dark and realistic. That was when the rot set in, and it lay dormant for some time. When BvS rolled around we were sick and thoroughly tired of the whole grimdark thing, and it was clear that what worked for Batman was completely wrong for Superman.

2) All the plotlines in BvS

BvS was a storytelling disaster, and its clusterfuck story bears equally disastrous fruit here. Cyborg, Flash and Aquaman get about one character's worth of setup and development between them, stuff which could have been done in BvS had they not felt forced to cram every fucking thing on earth into that monstrosity. Superman's resurrection bears less than zero dramatic weight since it actually takes away from the already nonexistent stakes there are and renders that plot in BvS utterly moot and pointless. Remember the time traveling Flash and Batman's constant dream sequences? They're still unexplained.

3) The tonal shift pre-Suicide Squad

By now the rot laid in Man of Steel had spread catastrophically. The tonal shift there was less noticeable in Suicide Squad because there was no precedent for those characters. With Justice League there was, and it was all dark, grim, broody and heavy. There was no way the sudden shift coming into this movie wasn't going to feel as subtle as a nuclear bomb.

I only saw this movie like 4 hours ago, and I'm already struggling to remember anything about it. Don't bother. It's not even worth seeing for the disaster like BvS. This might actually be the blandest film I've ever seen.

bartholen:
The one thing that I took away from this film and never expected to say is that I actually want to see the Aquaman movie whose plot synopsis they run through in about 30 seconds, as it sounded genuinely interesting.

So does the Aquaman movie actually take place before Justice League?

Watched Die Hard again. This movie could have been great if it took itself a little more seriously. If it didn't have so many dumb characters doing and saying unrealistic things. Almost feels like a cartoon at times, it's so silly. I also find the middle, where it spends a long while on the police situation and less on John, slightly boring. I still enjoy it, though.

7/10

Do the Right Thing. I thought it was great. I liked the characters of this Brooklyn community and the humor and style of it. Deals with the difficulty of multiculturalism without being cheesy about it. I was absorbed from the first scene, the actress dancing over "Fight the Power," which I later learned was recorded for this movie. Good art direction too.

9/10

"A Silent Voice"
10/10

Holy cow this one blew me away. I'd heard from multiple friends that it was good, and heard a general synopsis of it, so I half-knew what to expect. Even then, I underestimated how compelling this one was gonna be. You know how sometimes in great movies, you find yourself really caring for a certain character or two in particular? So much so that you're actually scared that they won't make it out alive, or that they'll be worse off by the time it's over? A Silent Voice managed that for me, for like half of the main cast. It also features the best on-screen love confession I've ever seen. I mean, usually the best reaction those can get from me is a brief "aww". This one caught me off guard, and it was SO beautifully done. It's one of those movies that stays with you for a while after the credits have finished rolling.

Movies like this and "Your Name", give me hope for the post-Miyazaki age of anime movies. Seriously, if you claim to even be mildly interested in anime, you owe it to yourself to check it out.

Auron225:
"A Silent Voice"
10/10

Holy cow this one blew me away. I'd heard from multiple friends that it was good, and heard a general synopsis of it, so I half-knew what to expect. Even then, I underestimated how compelling this one was gonna be. You know how sometimes in great movies, you find yourself really caring for a certain character or two in particular? So much so that you're actually scared that they won't make it out alive, or that they'll be worse off by the time it's over? A Silent Voice managed that for me, for like half of the main cast. It also features the best on-screen love confession I've ever seen. I mean, usually the best reaction those can get from me is a brief "aww". This one caught me off guard, and it was SO beautifully done. It's one of those movies that stays with you for a while after the credits have finished rolling.

Movies like this and "Your Name", give me hope for the post-Miyazaki age of anime movies. Seriously, if you claim to even be mildly interested in anime, you owe it to yourself to check it out.

I guess A Silent Voice was more entertaining than I expected, but I wasn't as satisfied as you. I thought it dragged and had characters being unrealistic at times, sort of in the typical anime way. The animation was... good? There is a good amount of movement, but what's moving isn't that attractive. The character designs aren't that interesting to me. A lot of the backgrounds are simplistic and static and look like they're out of a visual novel, and the whole movie has this ugly lens-like filter that blurs everything around the center. I don't get the point of that filter.

I recently saw Your Name, and it was pretty good if not a bit young adult-ish. It's certainly very nice to look at, and Makoto Shinkai thankfully refrained from showing off too much with the glitz. I loved the layering of certain background scenes, and the CGI was merged perfectly with the 2D artstyle.

I did have a problem suspending my disbelief over the twist though.

Also saw A Silent Voice, and it was cute, but a lot of it felt sugar coated. The fact that the deaf girl is kind of portrayed as this pure, angelic character felt sort of dishonest. You'd think there'd be a scarred part inside of her that is boiling with rage over what that guy did to her in the past, but she seems to forgive him instantly. It would've been interesting if we were shown him trying to find forgiveness for something the girl subconsciously just might not be able to ever forgive him for, but we didn't get that. I guess it was atleast nice to see an anime putting a spotlight on something Japan generally wants to ignore; physical disabilities.

Kingsman: The Golden Circle, 6-7/10

Finally saw it after the longest time. The first one is one of my favorite movies of all time, and I was already prepared for the sequel not living up to it, which it certainly didn't. But it was still good fun. The action was solid and the tone was as goofy and upbeat as in the first If the operative word in the first film was style, here it's definitely charisma. There's hardly a single actor here who doesn't just ooze with likeability and charm. In fact there's so many of them that I found them often fighting for the limelight: Channing Tatum felt completely wasted and perfunctory, Michael Gambon barely got a word in as a perfect member of the Kingsman, and let's not even get started on the unspeakable crime of wasting (in multiple ways) Sophie Cookson, who I felt was already underused in the first and showed immense potential. It's almost on par with Men in Black 2 in how it wastes a great female character, though not quite as bad as that.

This wasn't a big problem though, since one of my favorite actors of late, the fantastically charming Pedro Pascal, got plenty of screentime. Jeff Bridges was a perfect addition to the cast.

There's two main problems with it though:

1) For all its expansion of the lore, addition of new and exciting characters and action, it still feels like a watered down version of the first. It's essentially the same movie, but it doesn't have that same punch anymore: Julianne Moore just isn't as fun and vibrant as Sam Jackson. There's no exotic henchman to fight this time around. The humor doesn't work as well. There's no "holy shit!" setpiece to match the church bloodbath. Bringing back Colin Firth, which it didn't need to do, made the film seem insecure, as if it was afraid to leave one of its foremost "gentlemanly" characters behind. For all its swearing, its violence is actually surprisingly tame and bloodless. I mean, we see multiple guys fed to a fucking meat grinder, and not a single spurt of blood! In the age of Logan and It it should have been gushing blood like a geyser. One setpiece in particular suffers from a lack of tension due to the characters in it having essentially no control in how it plays out, making it feel like they survive more through dumb luck than quick wits or effort.

2) I just realized this minutes ago, but the lack of juxtaposition with everyday life really holds this film back. The first had a sort of going down the rabbit hole magic about it, since we saw Eggsy start out as a car-stealing lowlife with domestic problems and seemingly no future. That's why it felt so great to see him evolve so much. Here, we start out with Eggsy being a sophisticated gentleman superspy, and

which really drags it away from the somewhat grounded feel of the first. There seems to be a smidgeon of an attempt at this with Eggsy's friends, but it feels unfinished. There's also way less character evolution this time around for Eggsy, which is mostly done through the relationship subplot, which I felt was a little underdeveloped. Yeah, the princess was a character in the first, but she interacted with Eggsy for like 20 seconds of total screentime for what felt mostly like a gag. Jumping straight to them being in a committed romantic relationship was perhaps too sudden. Maybe it should have been in the third movie instead.

Lumiere! L'aventure commence 10/10
A must-watch for anybody with an interest in the history of film and filmmaking.

With Honours, watched for my second time and the ending still got me, it's not an amazing film, but it has it's own sort of power at the end that I like.

Airplane! - 7/10

Funny. Almost up there with "Police Squad!"

Spider-Man: Homecoming - 5/10
I'd say I like how this one mostly feels like a fun movie for the whole family. Spidey is invulnerable to harm, the villain is threatening at times but foremost a high-tech burglar, Peter is a likeable character, the action isn't intense until the climax... However, there's way too much Avengers clot in there. The rest of the teens don't perform very well and with all the dumb humour in the script that comes as no surprise.

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 - 5/10
A B-movie with better acting, music and effects. Breaks the MCU's villain formula a bit. Tries very much to evade the dramatic deadzone of the MCU and I think there was partial success. Drax steals the show, but his antics are already getting damn predictable.

Sully (2016) - 7/10

Once more, another film in the exceptional director talent of Clint Eastwood that takes an accomplishrd actor as Tom Hanks and recasts him in a way that reminds us why he was such a veritable darling of screens in the early 90s. The movie deals with a lot, even touching on aspects of PTSD and the shock of sudden fame for all the wrong reasons ...

The problems begin to mount however, as Clint Eastwood went to such lengths to faithfully portray the event, keenly researching photography and video evidence of the scene and recreating the scene faithfully. Unfortunately, these pitches of a 'biographical account' does not extend to accurate treatment and portrayals of the NTSB. Even going so far that Sullenberger to want the script changed. The meanness of some of these portrayals of people, casting them into the role of antagonists, feels like a shoddy way of creating tension the movie wouldn't really need if it didn't extend its gaze too far. As such the ending and resolution feels forced, cheap, mean, and pap masquerading as a biographical account.

I will watch Sully, I checked the trailer out and I am hooked. Will let you know my opinion.

Looks at thread...

Bleh, I really disliked Sully. There just isn't enough material there to justify a full-length movie. There's scenes that are literally repeated shot for shot to pad out the run time.

Anyway:

Justice League (6/10)

So, I saw it and...it was fine, it was average, it was flawed, it was reasonably enjoyable, it was...fine. It's my #3 DCEU film now. There's lots of stuff I could discuss, but it's not worth it. It's a fine, disposable action popcorn movie.

The Devil Inside 3/10

I don't know why I spend so much of my precious free time watching shit. Just the other day I saw Grave Encounters 2 and Grave Encounters 1 wasn't very good to begin with. As usual, the found footage/documentary style is annoying as hell, with the shaky cam, out of focus nonsense and the "Dude, put the camera down!" and it's always focusing on the thing they need to show you. So many minutes wasted with shitty "vlogs", barely any "exorcism" shit in it, and when the main girl is finally possessed, the movie ends with a car crash a few minutes later. Spoilers.

Then again, it's from the same guy who made THE BOY, which is a terrible movie. But he also directed STAY ALIVE before this, which is pretty awesome.

Battle of the Sexes (6/10)

Cute movie and good performances but the story was pretty underwhelming. For a movie about a woman dueling a man in the uber-sexist 1970s while she discovers her own lesbian sexuality it's pretty tame and lacking in adversity. The (tennis) duel is just a publicity stunt and it's identified as such from the get-go by the man himself (his own sexism is pure comedy), so there isn't that much at stake; likewise the whole lesbian subplot felt bland and not terribly important. She never faces judgment or adversity from anyone or anybody, excep the federation that expels her at the beginning of the movie, and even her relationship with the top brass is pretty cordial, even if she remains staunch in her defiance. I dunno, the movie just felt like it was lacking some bite.

Justice League - 5/10

It was ok. Really inconsistent in tone to the point it doesn't seem like it takes place in the same universe as Man of Steel or BvS, making it feel like a sort of soft reboot of the DCEU. Most notable change is Superman, who behaves like an entirely different character compared to his previous appearances, although arguably truer to what you'd expect Superman to be like.


Other than that, it lacked a good villain. Boring design (hello, video game boss). Bland characterization and motivations that boil down to the words "Mother Box" and "Destroy". Granted, outside of Loki (and maybe Ego) Marvel's villains haven't been stellar at all either. But it's not like either publisher is lacking in great baddies. I'd take Starro over a third rate relative of a real villain (Darkseid) like Steppenwolf. Also, he went down hilariously fast once Superman joined the fight.

Also, and this might just be me, but the movie felt ... dated. Maybe it's because it feel like I've already seen pretty much everything this movie has to offer in other movies. The whole speedster slo-mo thing? Days of Future Past did it first, and better. Maybe it's the CGI effects and costumes looking kind of cheap for one of the biggest productions ever, although that might be because they were designed for use with Snyder's trademark visual style and that only partially remains in the movie.

Geostorm 9/10

I watched the movie last night, it is amazing! If you enjoyed watching Interstellar, which is my fav movie of all times, there is no way you won't enjoy this one. It is kind of similar but unique in its own way. It is Fantasy/ Science fiction.
If you haven't watched both movies you are missing out! :)

Air 4/10

So bad. My expectations weren't high, but come on. So there's a nuclear fallout or something, I admit I wasn't paying attention in the first minutes. Anyway, something bad happens, and the greatest minds are sent to sleep in these underground bunkers, where two guys wake up every few months to do some maintenance work. If Djimon Hounson and Norman Reedus weren't in it, you'd think this was a movie made by some guys in college. The story isn't that engaging, everything is obvious and it looks so cheap, the main "computer room" looks like a low budget version of the hatch from Lost, which still looks good today if you rewatch that show. It's kind of dumb.

Pirates of the Caribbean - the latest one Salazar's revenge or Dead men tell no tales (wtff?)

What. Fresh. Dumpster. Fire. Bullshit. Is this?

Didn't these films used to have some effort put into them at one point? Now it's more like a cheap knock-off except somehow they've wangled a few big-name actors into an easy paycheque to fool the audience. Not all of them return though, some had a sense of integrity at least. Javier Bardem's role looks like he could've easily recorded his lines on webcam from his studio apartment and left the rest to the CGI team, I wouldn't be surprised if that was case here.

Actually, as I was watching this, there was a gnawing sensation that this may be another one of those IPs that are making the bulk of profits overseas such as in China, meaning that script, plot, cohesive storytelling and all that unnecessary faff gets thrown out the window in favour of "get the sequel damn-well made and get those tired actors to dance their old dance that the foreign markets love to see, it doesn't need to make sense or resemble anything of quality...it only needs to make us. the money!!!" (see for reference; Transfivers 5, the mummy reboot, Ice aged etc etc)

So with a mild curiosity on one's own intuition, I did one of those Googles, and what do you bloody-well know, it is indeed a series now making most of its' bank overseas.
Therefore my best advice is to forget about the series, it's now no more than a corporate cash cow corpse (damn hate accidental alliteration (...gargh!!)) 'product' that will continue to be worn and masqueraded like a decaying zombie puppet as long as it continues to make that overseas dough.

Rogue One
Might as well hijack the thread seeing as i got nothing b...well, got not much b...ok, forget about the better stuff I should be doing, there are opinions! Opinions that if not written down, they might not be real and fade into a faulty perception of the past, along with everything else!

Question 1: Was every talented actor told specifically to keep facial emotion to a strict minimum? Their bodies and eyes did all the work while their faces were....well it's like the opposite universe of LA Noire; emotive bodies with robotic faces.

Question 2: Why is the soundtrack having a way better time than I? Reveal your secret, overzealous soundtrack! Where are you getting this emotion and excitement from?? These scenes, these characters...what are you seeing that I cannot??? I grow increasingly envious and suspicious of you.

Question 3: What was that robot's name? I felt a deep kinship as I looked into his dying eyes oh, hang on...is that a spoiler? Eek!

and realised that we shared a similar fate. He and I both felt nothing as we lived here, and yet we feel nothing in departure too. This could all disappear and the feeling would be the same. (Shut up, soundtrack!...I know the film tried to tell me he felt something earlier, but IT LIED! It lied badly, you fool!)

Question 4: Donnie Yen?! What are you doing here? Another actor with a whole different skillset being wasted?? Oh, Rogue One...this is starting to resemble some serious stunt-casting problem you've acquired.

Question 5: Hahaha! Darth Vader's Halloween costume looks silly. Oops, that wasn't a question. Fuck it, I'm matching the effort put into his threads for this one.

Question 6: Why, Star Wars fans? Why? Or is it how? How is this acceptable? Were things always this bad?

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In the end, every story should do what a good magic trick intends to do; and that is fool us. Was I fooled? Unfortunately not. Less so as it ploughed on. Unlike that soundtrack. Watch Kill Your Darlings instead.

Kill Your Darlings
Watch this instead. Or Atomic Blonde.

Atomic Blonde
The characters make facial expressions here! Oh, just a sec, I can't recommend two films with slight homosexual themes together, else people will think I'm trying to push a liberal agenda. Quick fix... How about The Prestige?

The Prestige
No fluffy liberal agendas to be found here, my woodland chums and food-chain acquaintances. Also contains varied facial expressions. Last but not least, Sexy Beast.

Sexy Beast
The balance has been maintained. Restored? Maintained.

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