Does anyone else not have any friends IRL?

 Pages PREV 1 2 3 NEXT
 

Silentpony:

Saelune:
Social Anxiety Disorder is a bitch.

I do have 'friends' but they are kinda my brother's friends who I play DnD with. Been thinking of trying to look for places that play DnD publicly to meet people though, since I like DMing and lots of people dont, but finding such places is not easy, and might require me going into the city to do, and dragging DnD stuff around isnt always the easiest, certainly not on NYC subways. And I dont trust to invite strangers into my house.

Good DMs are hard to come by and should be treasured! I'm sure there are a dozen and a half gaming clubs in New York that would kill for a good DM for a campaign, especially if you're good with voices and provide mead. I've been working on my Ork voices for a deathwatch d100 game I want to DM

Dunnow how 'good' with voices I am, but I do use them. The corrupt mayor they met last session ended up sounding like Watto from Star Wars. Also they met a Lizardman who I enjoyed voicing, though I (intentionally) go Argonian for such races.

Side thing, but kind of relevant. Yesterday was my DnD day. While preparing, I looked at my brother's player sheet, to check some things, and noticed that he written "Vial of Ork blood", cause he is on a Warhammer kick right now. (He is literally about to leave to play Warhammer).

Y'all are sad.

Well, as someone with a passion for connecting with others I couldn't be more different, but I didn't come here to rub that in everyone's face. Mainly, I came to talk about online friends. I got into writing about 10 years ago, and by posting on writing sites, I eventually found another writer, who respected my potential but wanted to help me improve.

Since then, he and I have become super close, sharing our writing, offering each other feedback, and even giving each other advice on how to grow as writers. I know his first name, his screen name, and his hobby, and that's about it, but I feel a strong closeness with him that I haven't felt since college, even overshadowing the friendship I have with my roommate, who I've known since 2nd grade. This is because we're both always helping each other out and have a strong mutual trust.

My point is, even online, you can build surprisingly strong friendships. I think trying to grow as a person, by cultivating certain skills you're passionate about can be a great step towards building your confidence to reach out to others.

Hmm, there's a handful of us. Not that I didn't really expect it.

Just an idea, but what do people think about making a usergroup for introverts, shut-ins, and people with social anxiety? People could share their experiences and feelings with other people who are in similar situations.

Let me know if that's something you are interested in. You can let me know in a PM if you'd rather too.

It's just a thought, though. If people aren't into it, that won't hurt my feelings either.

gsilver:
---

Oh you deleted your post? I hope you didn't feel embarrassed. That's some rough stuff you are going through. I didn't respond because I didn't know what to say, because I hadn't been in a situation quite like that :/

Souplex:
Y'all are sad.

I'm awful at reading people, what I assumed was being friendly was actually flirting and it took me way too long to realize what was going on.

Drathnoxis:
Hmm, there's a handful of us. Not that I didn't really expect it.

Just an idea, but what do people think about making a usergroup for introverts, shut-ins, and people with social anxiety? People could share their experiences and feelings with other people who are in similar situations.

Let me know if that's something you are interested in. You can let me know in a PM if you'd rather too.

It's just a thought, though. If people aren't into it, that won't hurt my feelings either.

I'd join such a group if invited. ,)

I've never been comfortable asking other people for an invite so a lot of closed groups are out of bounds for me.

I feel like I was drifting into a similar situation recently. I'm terrible at maintaining friendships and I got to a point where I realized that almost all of my friends had either moved away or we'd drifted apart. Not sure if it's a problem with my personality, or if it's the fact that I tend not to take initiative in doing things with my friends, but it was a bit of a wakeup call for me. Thankfully I've got some great labmates who I've gotten pretty close with over my degree.

I can empathize with what you're saying about it being hard to get into a group when you feel like they all have other friends and you don't really. When I started getting to know my current friends that was largely my position and I fretted about it a bit. It turned out fine though, as long as you're not being overbearing and expecting too much from them things tend to work out pretty naturally.

I know you said you're not looking for advice, but you're probably overthinking things a little too much. 90% of my problems with relationships come from overthinking things. If you feel like you'd be happier with more friends, try to meet new people, the sooner the better. Worrying too much about the commitment they represent or if you'd be too dependent on them as friends is just going to make things more difficult.

Drathnoxis:
Hmm, there's a handful of us. Not that I didn't really expect it.

Just an idea, but what do people think about making a usergroup for introverts, shut-ins, and people with social anxiety? People could share their experiences and feelings with other people who are in similar situations.

Let me know if that's something you are interested in. You can let me know in a PM if you'd rather too.

It's just a thought, though. If people aren't into it, that won't hurt my feelings either.

gsilver:
---

Oh you deleted your post? I hope you didn't feel embarrassed. That's some rough stuff you are going through. I didn't respond because I didn't know what to say, because I hadn't been in a situation quite like that :/

You mean like a space...for people to feel safe in? That might piss off a bunch of people for no good reason.

Souplex:
Y'all are sad.

People are allowed to be alone as much as they want. Loneliness is a problem sure, but choosing to no engage isn't a shame.

Drathnoxis:
Hmm, there's a handful of us. Not that I didn't really expect it.

Just an idea, but what do people think about making a usergroup for introverts, shut-ins, and people with social anxiety? People could share their experiences and feelings with other people who are in similar situations.

Let me know if that's something you are interested in. You can let me know in a PM if you'd rather too.

It's just a thought, though. If people aren't into it, that won't hurt my feelings either.

That's called discord

Ba dum tish

Souplex:
Y'all are sad.

Kind of a dick thing to say. Would say only those bizarrely smug about it deserve it

Drathnoxis:
I'm not trying to get pity, I've just been thinking about my life a lot after Doki Doki Literature Club and feel like talking and I'm wondering if anybody else here is like me.

I think it's been around 8 years since I've had someone I'd call a friend in real life, or online either actually. I hang out with a couple family members a lot, so It's not like I'm alone or anything. I'd say I feel content most of the time.

I don't really know why I don't make friends like everybody else seems to. I don't really like going out, so I don't meet people, and it always takes me a really long time to feel comfortable enough around someone to start opening up. I'm always worried too that I might like them more than they like me and put more effort into the relationship than them so I keep distant for that reason too. When I think about it, it just seems like it would be a huge task to find someone acceptable and then such a bother constantly maintaining the relationship and spending time with them and it feels exhausting. So I don't even know if I would want friends if the opportunity fell into my lap because it feels like it would be so much work. And also I don't like to share too much about myself in case I leave myself vulnerable. It would be embarrassing if I was friends with someone who had lots of other friends, and I only had them, it'd make me look kind of pathetic. It might make me feel jealous too, that I'm only friends with them, but they aren't, again like I care more about the relationship than them.

I like spending time alone though, so it works out alright.

Anybody else similar? I know I've seen a couple of you mention it before.

Would say that worry stuff is something that can make things an issue when they otherwise would not be. Same with the embarrassing thing. If someone's judging you for not having other friends then they're probably not too great a friend anyways. Also would say, try not to look up to the potential friend too much, good friendships are more between equals and if you're too invested, dependent, worried then it's gonna be uncomfortable potentially. Would say have a bit more confidence in your own worth and try to take a more casual approach to it.

As far as finding someone acceptable... I'd say take it naturally. Meet people, decide if you like them or not

As far as sharing stuff... take your time on it. It's not normal to just suddenly go spouting everything at someone. Get to know them first, maybe they'll tell you about themselves and their troubles. I find that when one party or the other does it then it kind of helps lead to making it easier to share. Kind of a trust thing, one shows trust the other can often reciprocate it especially if you're already friends and thus nominally like each other.

I'm not the friendliest person, but I do have good friends who like me irl. It's not really inherently hard, but can guarantee overthinking can make it hard.

Also internet friends not bad either, have quite a few of those and just... the way you interact with them needn't be all that different from the way you interact with irl friends. I have several of my irl friends on discord, especially some due to distance. If you find it easier to bond with people online, can apply to irl friends too if they like chatting online.

Drathnoxis:
I'm not trying to get pity, I've just been thinking about my life a lot after Doki Doki Literature Club and feel like talking and I'm wondering if anybody else here is like me.

I think it's been around 8 years since I've had someone I'd call a friend in real life, or online either actually. I hang out with a couple family members a lot, so It's not like I'm alone or anything. I'd say I feel content most of the time.

I don't really know why I don't make friends like everybody else seems to. I don't really like going out, so I don't meet people, and it always takes me a really long time to feel comfortable enough around someone to start opening up. I'm always worried too that I might like them more than they like me and put more effort into the relationship than them so I keep distant for that reason too. When I think about it, it just seems like it would be a huge task to find someone acceptable and then such a bother constantly maintaining the relationship and spending time with them and it feels exhausting. So I don't even know if I would want friends if the opportunity fell into my lap because it feels like it would be so much work. And also I don't like to share too much about myself in case I leave myself vulnerable. It would be embarrassing if I was friends with someone who had lots of other friends, and I only had them, it'd make me look kind of pathetic. It might make me feel jealous too, that I'm only friends with them, but they aren't, again like I care more about the relationship than them.

I like spending time alone though, so it works out alright.

Anybody else similar? I know I've seen a couple of you mention it before.

Well i have no idea how old you are, but the truth is the older you get the less people you can truly call your friends. I am not trying to depress you, but the reality is if you get the chance to ask someone older than you. Ask them how many real friends they have (not Facebook). They normally come up with maybe a hand full or just one maybe they have none. Their is nothing pathetic about not having friends or having just a few. I may self really have only one person i can at this time truly consider a friend and that is about it.Personally i am not depressed or sad about it ,because to me having a really good friend who actually has your back is better than five that don't.

Sure you get tired of hanging out with your friends but that is only human. In science their are introverts and extroverts but normally we humans are a mix of both. Meaning we like to be sociable but we also like to have our own time to our selves. It is one of the reasons that married couples usually do things separate from their spouse time to time. Its not that they don't love each other, its the simple fact that we as humans like to have time alone. Its also very much the same with friends as if you hang out with someone a lot it will drain you from time to time. Perfectly normal and nothing to feel ashamed about, i too at times have shut the door and sealed the gates to just get away from everyone.

Keeping things secret are okay, the questions are to what extent do you decide you open up. That is a good question, as one should never just bluntly blurt out everything. The truth is a good rule of thumb, is if your friend says something personal and you can relate without it being to embarrassing speak up . Other than that i hope you find people on this forum that can give you a little more idea that your not alone in what you feel.

Addendum_Forthcoming:

Jamcie Kerbizz:
Bolded important part for you. You maybe meet 1-2 people in life, that are worth the name.
Ofcourse, you can also just go about and pretend like everyone else. Lower your standards and be a drone yourself...

Sounds like a 'you' problem, to be honest.

I mean, I don't have that very many friends ... but then again I know plenty of people I call 'associates', and a fair few number of them would be pretty good friends I imagine. I regularly get invited by workmates at uni to go to a barbecue, or to go to the pub with, or people I meet at my LGS wanting to have a late night meal with, or maybe a beach party, or random strangers I'll strike up a conversation about anything ... from sports, motorbikes, politics...

People are people, and your average person is perfectly affable, decent, has your average sorts of responsibilities, particularly as you get older in life.

If you're going to assume people in general are garbage, well maybe it's not them with the problem.

I don't consider it very 'drone-like' to not just assume I can't connect with people. That sounds pretty depressing to be honest. I mean, sure ... I've known people that seemingly want to hurt me when I came out to them. But then again, I've met heaps of people that don't care, either. The world is a pretty big place with a whole lot of people. You're kind of missing out not taking a gamble on other people being worth your time.

Besides, socializing has profound psychological benefits.

Sounds like you have a problem. I never said it's a problem to me nor it is a problem of others nor to someone who shares my perspective.
If anything its about who exactly someone considers 'a friend'.
To me it would be someone (I put it deliberetly into extreme) I can go to and say We need to go now, I need money and we have to off few people. No time to explain. Friend answers ok, lets go. Building such trust and blood line like bonds and mutual understanding takes decades (rightfully so too) and there are very few people who will go the full way with you.

I consider drone like behaviour what social media done to people and their understanding of friendship and freinds and what sudo-specialists (shrinks without medical degree) do to people, reinforcing their social insecurities to a point i.e. at which my friend got into serious mental disorder before I tore her out of greedy little hands of one of these f-ks and her 'therapy sessions'.

Jamcie Kerbizz:
Sounds like you have a problem. I never said it's a problem to me nor it is a problem of others nor to someone who shares my perspective.
If anything its about who exactly someone considers 'a friend'.
To me it would be someone (I put it deliberetly into extreme) I can go to and say We need to go now, I need money and we have to off few people. No time to explain. Friend answers ok, lets go. Building such trust and blood line like bonds and mutual understanding takes decades (rightfully so too) and there are very few people who will go the full way with you.

I'm pretty sure a real friend would stop you committing murder evidently for pay. I'm pretty sure people looking out for both your interests and has a basic sense of moral responsibility won't help you murder for money. Say, if I were in your "friend's" position I'd probably ask if you can wait a week while I loan you the money you evidently need so badly.

If your idea of a 'friend' is someone that is so morally flexible they'll kill for you, it doesn't sound like people I personally would want to spend time with. It doesn't seem like a very good metric by which to judge the validity of a person's character. I'm pretty sure if you're hanging out with people you're sure will murder for you, you're not hanging out with a specific sort of crowd most others could ever treat as, or consider, 'friends'.

I consider drone like behaviour what social media done to people and their understanding of friendship and freinds and what sudo-specialists (shrinks without medical degree) do to people, reinforcing their social insecurities to a point i.e. at which my friend got into serious mental disorder before I tore her out of greedy little hands of one of these f-ks and her 'therapy sessions'.

???

Personally I somewhat agree that the term 'friend' probably gets pawned off way too much, but then again all my friends invite me out to dinner or parties. We share deeply held qualms and fears. Which seems pretty 'friend' like. What's your beef with counsellors? Frankly it's the ones that want to just throw drugs at you I'm more wary of. You know, the types of people that just try to drug away most anxiety disorders or depressive disorders without recognising psychotherapy is actually necessary to treat things like PTSD.

Moreover, why do you think a psychiatrist wouldn't make psychotherapy as part of an effective treatment regimen?

I assume that's what you're talking about? I mean if it's something like conversion therapy, it's pretty much established fact that that is unsound and should be considered barred for minors.

Addendum_Forthcoming:

Jamcie Kerbizz:
Sounds like you have a problem. I never said it's a problem to me nor it is a problem of others nor to someone who shares my perspective.
If anything its about who exactly someone considers 'a friend'.
To me it would be someone (I put it deliberetly into extreme) I can go to and say We need to go now, I need money and we have to off few people. No time to explain. Friend answers ok, lets go. Building such trust and blood line like bonds and mutual understanding takes decades (rightfully so too) and there are very few people who will go the full way with you.

I'm pretty sure a real friend would stop you committing murder evidently for pay. I'm pretty sure people looking out for both your interests and has a basic sense of moral responsibility won't help you murder for money. Say, if I were in your "friend's" position I'd probably ask if you can wait a week while I loan you the money you evidently need so badly.

If your idea of a 'friend' is someone that is so morally flexible they'll kill for you, it doesn't sound like people I personally would want to spend time with. It doesn't seem like a very good metric by which to judge the validity of a person's character. I'm pretty sure if you're hanging out with people you're sure will murder for you, you're not hanging out with a specific sort of crowd most others could ever treat as, or consider, 'friends'.

I consider drone like behaviour what social media done to people and their understanding of friendship and freinds and what sudo-specialists (shrinks without medical degree) do to people, reinforcing their social insecurities to a point i.e. at which my friend got into serious mental disorder before I tore her out of greedy little hands of one of these f-ks and her 'therapy sessions'.

???

Personally I somewhat agree that the term 'friend' probably gets pawned off way too much, but then again all my friends invite me out to dinner or parties. We share deeply held qualms and fears. Which seems pretty 'friend' like. What's your beef with counsellors? Frankly it's the ones that want to just throw drugs at you I'm more wary of. You know, the types of people that just try to drug away most anxiety disorders or depressive disorders without recognising psychotherapy is actually necessary to treat things like PTSD.

Moreover, why do you think a psychiatrist wouldn't make psychotherapy as part of an effective treatment regimen?

I assume that's what you're talking about? I mean if it's something like conversion therapy, it's pretty much established fact that that is unsound and should be considered barred for minors.

Read what you write. I ignored previous straw men (the whole people are garbage) but you just sipral out of control on this nonsense. Stop arguing with your own 'interpretation' of my words. You're wasting everyones time. Precisely that's how much is left when you cross out BS assumptions and ranting.

Friend does not ask another friend to commit crime for profit. It's betrayal of trust.
There are 2 things here: 1) I need money 2) some people have to be killed no questions asked. You jumped to conclusion like someone who never had a deep relationship like that. There is a reason why I said maybe 1-2 people in ones lifetime are worth the name. This and again I reiterate example taken into deliberate extreme, is something, which tells 2 things. Friend is someone, who has been with you for a long time and you both proven, that mutual trust is rock solid and canbe relied on. Friend is someone who will forego their own personal, individual good to support you at times when you ask for it (because again back to previous point).

Again if someone insists to call 'friends' people on FB, people they 'hang out with', people they 'meet and are friendly to' by all means do. But if that is all you have, you have no friends at all. And if you decide to not engage in such shallow relationships for whatever reason, that's also just fine.

Now we get to sudo-specialists, which abuse people who are insecure about their social life choices and try to drum up such fears. Literally damaging mental health of people by instigating that there's something wrong with them because they don't act like others expect them to (after such 'psychotherapy'my friend stopped leaving the house because she was afraid of the sheer pressure to do something she didn't feel like doing). Actual professional would inquire why someone does that (don't feel like socializing) and guide person toward like minded people or reassure them that there is nothing wrong with them (some people get exhausted by socializing and there is plethora of reasosns for that eg. intellectually inferrior people to spend time with, mind that tends to focus on details, unique individual interests and tastes etc. others get boosted by it). Don't know what sort of specialists you have met, that would drug someone over 'not socializing enough'.

Jamcie Kerbizz:

Read what you write. I ignored previous straw men (the whole people are garbage) but you just sipral out of control on this nonsense. Stop arguing with your own 'interpretation' of my words. You're wasting everyones time. Precisely that's how much is left when you cross out BS assumptions and ranting.

You made it a fucking example. I was critiquing the example.

How else do you want me to articulate my position?

To me a friend is someone that I can ring up and can help me with a mechanical problem I might have if I break down somewhere, by picking up some tools and a flashlight and going out of their way to meet me somewhere so I can work on a problem. To actually bring it within the realms of mundanity... That to me seems like a reasonable degree of a friend helping a friend that most people would consider a pretty good measure.

Or helping take care of your dog on a business trip. Or helping keep an eye on your house while you're gone, making it seem like someone is actually at home by collecting your mail and occasionally turning on and off the lights.

Is that a better one?

I know more than 1-2 people worthy of that consideration, however. People I honestly believe would do such a thing if able. Moreover it's stuff I would do for them if able, as well.

I can't promise I can bring a spare tire on my motorbike ... but I'll meet someone with a tankbag full of tools and have a go with them inspecting their motor to see if we can get it running with whatever I can bring.

Now we get to sudo-specialists, which abuse people who are insecure about their social life choices and try to drum up such fears. Literally damaging mental health of people by instigating that there's something wrong with them because they don't act like others expect them to (after such 'psychotherapy'my friend stopped leaving the house because she was afraid of the sheer pressure to do something she didn't feel like doing). Actual professional would inquire why someone does that (don't feel like socializing) and guide person toward like minded people or reassure them that there is nothing wrong with them (some people get exhausted by socializing and there is plethora of reasosns for that eg. intellectually inferrior people to spend time with, mind that tends to focus on details, unique individual interests and tastes etc. others get boosted by it). Don't know what sort of specialists you have met, that would drug someone over 'not socializing enough'.

Christ, what exactly does this have to do with the subject matter? If people are insecure about their social life and have serious anxiety problems that actually affect the quality of their life to the point where it's manifesting into serious concerns as to their mental health then yeah, it might call for psychotherapy. That is not taboo, it's an accepted part of treatment. We have services to meet these health concerns if people want to engage with them. Nobody is saying involuntary hospitalization is required for people just because they feel a bit nervous around too many people.

Moreover, what exactly is it you think people who run psychotherapy services do? Things like IPT is all about helping people examine their own behaviour that might be affecting their capacity to engage with others, for instance.

It's an empirically supported treatment option for numerous types of major depressive disorders. It doesn't just target people for 'being weird' ... it's there to assist people find new means to form closer human attachments if that would adequately help them. It also helps in other indirect ways, like examining how people engage with others in order to be more aware of how they engage in conventional relationships such as the workplace. Possibly improving job security and esteem, which is conducive to dealing with other latent anxiety issues.

It's not healthy to assume people will only ever associate with others that they will get along with. The grand majority of us have professional and personal contact with people we simply do not like but have to deal with. Whether that be neighbours, work associates and so forth.

If a person is crippled by the inability to examine how their actions might jeopardise maintaining these relationships or understanding the crucial link to how these relationships affect moods and this is seriously impacting on their mental health, then why exactly is things like CBT and IPT bad? People can't only just associate with "like-minded people" ... the real world doesn't work like that.

Addendum_Forthcoming:

To me a friend is someone that I can ring up and can help me with a mechanical problem I might have if I break down somewhere, by picking up some tools and a flashlight and going out of their way to meet me somewhere so I can work on a problem. To actually bring it within the realms of mundanity... That to me seems like a reasonable degree of a friend helping a friend that most people would consider a pretty good measure.

Or helping take care of your dog on a business trip. Or helping keep an eye on your house while you're gone, making it seem like someone is actually at home by collecting your mail and occasionally turning on and off the lights.

To be honest it sounds less like you have high standards for friends, and more that you just want a butler and mechanic for free. Like you're not offering them anything, you just want them to fix problems for you. There's supposed to be more to a relationship than just what you get from the other person.

Silentpony:

Addendum_Forthcoming:

To me a friend is someone that I can ring up and can help me with a mechanical problem I might have if I break down somewhere, by picking up some tools and a flashlight and going out of their way to meet me somewhere so I can work on a problem. To actually bring it within the realms of mundanity... That to me seems like a reasonable degree of a friend helping a friend that most people would consider a pretty good measure.

Or helping take care of your dog on a business trip. Or helping keep an eye on your house while you're gone, making it seem like someone is actually at home by collecting your mail and occasionally turning on and off the lights.

To be honest it sounds less like you have high standards for friends, and more that you just want a butler and mechanic for free. Like you're not offering them anything, you just want them to fix problems for you. There's supposed to be more to a relationship than just what you get from the other person.

Uh... seems like a bit of a you problem if you don't notice the implied reciprocity. Not only that but friends often just want to do these things because they care about the other party and when seeing they need help want to help. It's about someone who cares enough to have your back when you need them to and vice versa

The Decapitated Centaur:

Silentpony:

Addendum_Forthcoming:

To me a friend is someone that I can ring up and can help me with a mechanical problem I might have if I break down somewhere, by picking up some tools and a flashlight and going out of their way to meet me somewhere so I can work on a problem. To actually bring it within the realms of mundanity... That to me seems like a reasonable degree of a friend helping a friend that most people would consider a pretty good measure.

Or helping take care of your dog on a business trip. Or helping keep an eye on your house while you're gone, making it seem like someone is actually at home by collecting your mail and occasionally turning on and off the lights.

To be honest it sounds less like you have high standards for friends, and more that you just want a butler and mechanic for free. Like you're not offering them anything, you just want them to fix problems for you. There's supposed to be more to a relationship than just what you get from the other person.

Uh... seems like a bit of a you problem if you don't notice the implied reciprocity. Not only that but friends often just want to do these things because they care about the other party and when seeing they need help want to help. It's about someone who cares enough to have your back when you need them to and vice versa

Not really, no. The implication is that only people with skills you need are worth spending time with.
And if you're just basing friendship off of trading favors to one another, you're just business partners, not friends. At no point are you just hanging out. The only interactions are favors. You watch my dog, I'll change your tire.
That's not a healthy friendship

Silentpony:

The Decapitated Centaur:

Silentpony:

To be honest it sounds less like you have high standards for friends, and more that you just want a butler and mechanic for free. Like you're not offering them anything, you just want them to fix problems for you. There's supposed to be more to a relationship than just what you get from the other person.

Uh... seems like a bit of a you problem if you don't notice the implied reciprocity. Not only that but friends often just want to do these things because they care about the other party and when seeing they need help want to help. It's about someone who cares enough to have your back when you need them to and vice versa

Not really, no. The implication is that only people with skills you need are worth spending time with.
And if you're just basing friendship off of trading favors to one another, you're just business partners, not friends. At no point are you just hanging out. The only interactions are favors. You watch my dog, I'll change your tire.
That's not a healthy friendship

LOL

Its not about skills it's about willingness and wanting to look out for each other...

Man I don't even know what to say to not getting that lmao

It's not like that other stuff was even inherently excluded

The Decapitated Centaur:

Silentpony:

The Decapitated Centaur:

Uh... seems like a bit of a you problem if you don't notice the implied reciprocity. Not only that but friends often just want to do these things because they care about the other party and when seeing they need help want to help. It's about someone who cares enough to have your back when you need them to and vice versa

Not really, no. The implication is that only people with skills you need are worth spending time with.
And if you're just basing friendship off of trading favors to one another, you're just business partners, not friends. At no point are you just hanging out. The only interactions are favors. You watch my dog, I'll change your tire.
That's not a healthy friendship

LOL

Its not about skills it's about willingness and wanting to look out for each other...

Man I don't even know what to say to not getting that lmao

What if there is someone who's great to be around, great sense of humor, loves the same movies and games you do, but doesn't want to look after your cat? Or lives too far away to be of help in a car emergency?
What if its only about hanging out and having a good time, and not about 'having your back'?

Silentpony:

The Decapitated Centaur:

Silentpony:

Not really, no. The implication is that only people with skills you need are worth spending time with.
And if you're just basing friendship off of trading favors to one another, you're just business partners, not friends. At no point are you just hanging out. The only interactions are favors. You watch my dog, I'll change your tire.
That's not a healthy friendship

LOL

Its not about skills it's about willingness and wanting to look out for each other...

Man I don't even know what to say to not getting that lmao

What if there is someone who's great to be around, great sense of humor, loves the same movies and games you do, but doesn't want to look after your cat? Or lives too far away to be of help in a car emergency?
What if its only about hanging out and having a good time, and not about 'having your back'?

Derp. It's not about ability. My god. I said it'd about willingness.

If they don't want to ever have your back and just want to be around for the good times they can be a friend but just like on a... casual level. They aren't a close friend or anything. Some people might classify them more as a friendly acquaintance depending how picky they are

The kind of friend you're talking about is the kind I'd say is easier to drift apart from

The Decapitated Centaur:
SNIP

but surely there's more to it than simply willingness to help. I mean what if someone is willing to help you, but never does? Their heart is in the right place, but their free time isn't? Every time you need their help, they're busy, but they would have helped you in they were free, and they really do feel bad about it, but they're just so busy.
Is that functionally different than someone who isn't willing to help you?

What if they're willing to help you, and have the time, but not any relevant skills, or are impaired somehow? Like someone with a bad back, there on moving day to help, but can't do all that much? Are they more a casual friend?

Silentpony:

The Decapitated Centaur:
SNIP

but surely there's more to it than simply willingness to help. I mean what if someone is willing to help you, but never does? Their heart is in the right place, but their free time isn't? Every time you need their help, they're busy, but they would have helped you in they were free, and they really do feel bad about it, but they're just so busy.
Is that functionally different than someone who isn't willing to help you?

What if they're willing to help you, and have the time, but not any relevant skills, or are impaired somehow? Like someone with a bad back, there on moving day to help, but can't do all that much? Are they more a casual friend?

Lol you make accusations of others wanting people only for what they can do but you're the one only looking at *functional* differences

I answered that already, for some reason you can't comprehend the answer.

Silentpony:

To be honest it sounds less like you have high standards for friends, and more that you just want a butler and mechanic for free. Like you're not offering them anything, you just want them to fix problems for you. There's supposed to be more to a relationship than just what you get from the other person.

If you read two sentences below there was the idea of reciprocity. That I would legitimately offer my services where possible, as well.

I know more than 1-2 people worthy of that consideration, however. People I honestly believe would do such a thing if able. Moreover it's stuff I would do for them if able, as well.

I can't promise I can bring a spare tyre on my motorbike ... but I'll meet someone with a tankbag full of tools and have a go with them inspecting their motor to see if we can get it running with whatever I can bring.

It's the idea of capability. Tyres are big, and my motorbike is the only form of personal transport I have. So it's not a reasonable request. If they're driving around a big 4WD, it's not a very sound proposition. Then again ... if they desperately needed it enough, I'd probably give it a shot despite my better judgment.

The idea was actually coaching it in real things you might desperately need from another that the average person might experience.

I think it's a fair mention that friends aren't just people you can have fun with. It's that person willing to sacrifice some of their possible happiness just to help you and vice versa. The moral metric isn't whether they're willing to do stuff for you ... the idea is whether they'd be willing to if you need it.

The whole idea of not having 'fair-weather friends'.

Addendum_Forthcoming:

Silentpony:

To be honest it sounds less like you have high standards for friends, and more that you just want a butler and mechanic for free. Like you're not offering them anything, you just want them to fix problems for you. There's supposed to be more to a relationship than just what you get from the other person.

If you read two sentences below there was the idea of reciprocity. That I would legitimately offer my services where possible, as well.

[quote]I know more than 1-2 people worthy of that consideration, however. People I honestly believe would do such a thing if able. Moreover it's stuff I would do for them if able, as well.

I already described it as trading favors. To quote myself from just a few posts up "And if you're just basing friendship off of trading favors to one another, you're just business partners, not friends."

I can link you the definition of trading if you want.

Silentpony:

I already described it as trading favors. To quote myself from just a few posts up "And if you're just basing friendship off of trading favors to one another, you're just business partners, not friends."

I can link you the definition of trading if you want.

I can also link you the definition of a 'fair-weather friend'.

It's not about trading favours ... it's about finding someone willing to trade favours. It's about having the knowledge someone will help if they can, and you sincerely wishing to reciprocate that good will.

Strangers can simply havefun hanging out together. We frequently go to parties and meet strangers. But I'd struggle calling some random chance encounter a 'friend' until I felt comfortable thinking I could rely on or trust them.

This got me thinking
While I do have several close friends IRL and people I get along with a the uni, they have both been through situations where the social part has been secondary. I have never been good at seeking out new company as I don't know how approch new people or groups unless I have another reason to be with them. Then it also doesn't help that I am bad at keeping contact with people.
So yeah, here I am writing on a dying site on which I been lurking on for years, never before could I find a good reason start posting.
So hello, I guess?

Good god Silentpony- just stop. You're embarrassing yourself. Addendum clearly implied that both his examples were just that- not the full extent of a friend's expectations, and that he would be willing to do the same for a friend. He got it, I got it, The Decapitated Centaur got it.

Just get it already.

I've pretty much got one friend and a girlfriend. Would like more but they'll probably hurt me.

I don't have a lot of friends, but I've made some pretty strong friendships over the course of my life. Well, strong for me. I don't talk to them every day, and some of them I sometimes go months at a time without talking to, but I consider them pretty close friends that I can talk to about pretty much anything.

Also unusual (I think) is that one has been my friend since we were three years old (we're both 28 now). From what I understand, early childhood friendships usually peter off as friends grow apart, but even though my family moved across the country when I was 13, my friend and I have remained pretty close. We're very different in some ways but also still very similar, and now that I've moved back near our hometown, we get together with a mutual friend of ours and play board games almost once a week. It's pretty awesome.

Generally wherever I go, I like to have one good friend I do most of my limited socializing with. If I don't have a friend available, then I'll put myself out there and try to get one. Family doesn't count for me. I love my family but I have so little in common with any of them that socializing with them is pretty boring for me.

Zarcez:

So yeah, here I am writing on a dying site on which I been lurking on for years, never before could I find a good reason start posting.
So hello, I guess?

Hi!

Hope you stick around to be a more frequent poster, we sure need them.

 Pages PREV 1 2 3 NEXT

Reply to Thread

Log in or Register to Comment
Have an account? Login below:
With Facebook:Login With Facebook
or
Username:  
Password:  
  
Not registered? To sign up for an account with The Escapist:
Register With Facebook
Register With Facebook
or
Register for a free account here