Workshop an insane idea please?

I have this friend who has some serious relationship anxiety. For example, one time, when the dude he had a crush on asked him out, he instantly shot the guy down because of said anxiety. Now, you never know what the future holds, and, for all we know, he could be destined to be some lucky guy's house spouse. Towards the end of helping him deal with his relationship anxiety, I had an idea that, honestly, is insane even by my standards.

I'm considering asking him out on a date.

Now bear with me, let me clear up a few things. First of all, I'll make sure he's fully aware of my plan, I'll point out that there aren't any ulterior motives, though we've gotten tight enough that he might not bring that up, and, in hopes of making it easier for him to try, I'll point out that, to an extent, a date's just a private hang out session with possible, consensual intimacy (and he and I hang out pretty regularly already), and I'd limit it to only hugs just to ease him in.

That said though, even I'm thinking this is too insane to work, but what do you doods think? Should I roll the dice?, or should I just hope that he grows as a person on his own?

Nothing stopping him but himself

Let cowardly lions lie

Gauche:
Nothing stopping him but himself

Let cowardly lions lie

Nevertheless, this is one cowardly lion I like, and hope to help become more courageous.

I know what it's like to have anxiety and self-doubt.
Some might need help in overcoming it by finding new ways of thinking, without the pressure of being pushed or stressed.
Others might actually need that push to be able to come to a conclusion. It is a bit different how it manifests in people.

What you are doing is a good thing straight from the heart, and if you think you know him that well, and have talked it over with him first, go for it!
The act of "playing out" a scenario he would usually turn down could help him ease into trying it out next time.
Might need more sessions though. Also some thought maneuvers.

I should stress that you need to make it very clear from the beginning that this is only practice, no ulterior emotional feelings involved as you said.

Good luck to you both!

DarklordKyo:

I'm considering asking him out on a date.

You're doomed, DOOMED!

-ahem-

More seriously, this can go all kinds of ways. If you're going to ask him out on a date you have to be prepared for the possibility that you're going to end up with a new boyfriend. Alternatively neither of you will take it seriously as a date and you'll just spend some time hanging out, which will change nothing since you weren't on a 'real' date and he'll still panic over the next time.

So, if you actually do want a date with him, fire away. If not, just hang out some more, since that's what you'll do anyway on your it's totally a date mate.

You can try it, but just know that the whole time he won't see it as a dress rehearsal but just a dumb exercise. The same happens when you try to roleplay with anyone in the environment they struggle with. They take comfort that it's you- someone they know, and instantly the whole exercise is now removed from any other real-world-with-strangers application. You will also need to consider what his perception of your intentions will be pretty much forever onwards. What you say about it will be irrelevant. It is the action that will make him wonder.

I'd suggest you remind him that there's nothing wrong with having anxiety, but to prevent him shooting himself in the foot like that and missing out in life again in the future, tell him to OWN that anxiety. If someone shows interest in him and that makes him anxious- he need to be able to just say so. Clarifying it to himself and others isn't just a way to deal with it, it also prevents misunderstandings, and profound regret.

Squilookle:

I'd suggest you remind him that there's nothing wrong with having anxiety, but to prevent him shooting himself in the foot like that and missing out in life again in the future, tell him to OWN that anxiety. If someone shows interest in him and that makes him anxious- he need to be able to just say so. Clarifying it to himself and others isn't just a way to deal with it, it also prevents misunderstandings, and profound regret.

Well, to be fair, that dude he shot down way back when was someone that he, apparently, had a crush on.

fix-the-spade:

More seriously, this can go all kinds of ways. If you're going to ask him out on a date you have to be prepared for the possibility that you're going to end up with a new boyfriend.

[*shrugs*] Well, if it ends up going that way, I don't really mind. He and I get along pretty well as is, and I, apparently, light up his life enough that he briefly spazzes out when I enter the room (granted, for all I know, he could do that with a lot of his friends, but still).

Vendor-Lazarus:

What you are doing is a good thing straight from the heart, and if you think you know him that well, and have talked it over with him first, go for it!
The act of "playing out" a scenario he would usually turn down could help him ease into trying it out next time.
Might need more sessions though. Also some thought maneuvers.

Got any advice?, because it was pointed out that he might just see it as a glorified hang out session, and, thus, might not have that much progress towards dealing with that anxiety.

Or, you can act like an adult and preface you asking him out with a " i know you have axiety issues and all that but i'm asking anyways".

This is some soap opera leveled shit you are pulling here dude. Seriously, i don't understand why people don't just behave like the adults they are and talk things out.

Lufia Erim:
Or, you can act like an adult and preface you asking him out with a " i know you have axiety issues and all that but i'm asking anyways".

This is some soap opera leveled shit you are pulling here dude. Seriously, i don't understand why people don't just behave like the adults they are and talk things out.

Well, I did mention it's an insane idea, and I did want to workshop it first.

DarklordKyo:

Vendor-Lazarus:

What you are doing is a good thing straight from the heart, and if you think you know him that well, and have talked it over with him first, go for it!
The act of "playing out" a scenario he would usually turn down could help him ease into trying it out next time.
Might need more sessions though. Also some thought maneuvers.

Got any advice?, because it was pointed out that he might just see it as a glorified hang out session, and, thus, might not have that much progress towards dealing with that anxiety.

If you just "hang out" and call it a date..It wouldn't really help I think. Make it Different. Wear fancy clothes. Talk fancy. Fancy restaurant? split bill?
I'm just going from what I think would help me..but I haven't got any friends so no one has actually done this for me.
It could, possibly, go pear-shaped as well. ^^

The act of repetition and making it familiar would at least alleviate some of my anxiety.
As well as thinking out scenarios in my head, but that is of course limited to only my view-point.

DarklordKyo:
I have this friend who has some serious relationship anxiety. For example, one time, when the dude he had a crush on asked him out, he instantly shot the guy down because of said anxiety. Now, you never know what the future holds, and, for all we know, he could be destined to be some lucky guy's house spouse. Towards the end of helping him deal with his relationship anxiety, I had an idea that, honestly, is insane even by my standards.

I'm considering asking him out on a date.

Now bear with me, let me clear up a few things. First of all, I'll make sure he's fully aware of my plan, I'll point out that there aren't any ulterior motives, though we've gotten tight enough that he might not bring that up, and, in hopes of making it easier for him to try, I'll point out that, to an extent, a date's just a private hang out session with possible, consensual intimacy (and he and I hang out pretty regularly already), and I'd limit it to only hugs just to ease him in.

That said though, even I'm thinking this is too insane to work, but what do you doods think? Should I roll the dice?, or should I just hope that he grows as a person on his own?

If he has anxiety to the point that it is actively interfering with his life and happiness, he really should see a mental health professional about it.

Wouldn't it be just as easy to go on a double date? You and your date set up him and someone you think would hit it off with him? Group situation reduces individual stress, allows friends to keep an eye on each other and prod them when they're stumbling. At the same time, it keeps it grounded in reality instead of the understanding that it's "just practice".

Avnger:

If he has anxiety to the point that it is actively interfering with his life and happiness, he really should see a mental health professional about it.

He does have a counselor, so already good on that front.

Asita:
Wouldn't it be just as easy to go on a double date? You and your date set up him and someone you think would hit it off with him? Group situation reduces individual stress, allows friends to keep an eye on each other and prod them when they're stumbling. At the same time, it keeps it grounded in reality instead of the understanding that it's "just practice".

Wouldn't that be a threesome?, the date in question is him.

DarklordKyo:

Asita:
Wouldn't it be just as easy to go on a double date? You and your date set up him and someone you think would hit it off with him? Group situation reduces individual stress, allows friends to keep an eye on each other and prod them when they're stumbling. At the same time, it keeps it grounded in reality instead of the understanding that it's "just practice".

Wouldn't that be a threesome?, the date in question is him.

...No? "You and your date set up him and someone you think would hit it off with him". The assumption of this is that you're going out with someone other than your friend. So you arrange a date with someone, and you and/or your date figure out someone who would get on well with your friend. The four of you go out, you're there to coach, calm, and/or correct course for your friend as needed.

Asita:

...No? "You and your date set up him and someone you think would hit it off with him". The assumption of this is that you're going out with someone other than your friend. So you arrange a date with someone, and you and/or your date figure out someone who would get on well with your friend. The four of you go out, you're there to coach, calm, and/or correct course for your friend as needed.

My friend IS the date.

Okay, got a lot of good, and varied responses, so I have a question. We have a couple mutual friends I hang with nearly as much as I do with him. Should I workshop this idea with them?

DarklordKyo:

Squilookle:

I'd suggest you remind him that there's nothing wrong with having anxiety, but to prevent him shooting himself in the foot like that and missing out in life again in the future, tell him to OWN that anxiety. If someone shows interest in him and that makes him anxious- he need to be able to just say so. Clarifying it to himself and others isn't just a way to deal with it, it also prevents misunderstandings, and profound regret.

Well, to be fair, that dude he shot down way back when was someone that he, apparently, had a crush on.

That is exactly why I said what I said. Does he want to keep making that mistake the rest of his life?

Squilookle:

That is exactly why I said what I said. Does he want to keep making that mistake the rest of his life?

Gotcha, sorry, misunderstood, and it is worth noting that he has a counselor, so most likely not.

I'm jealous. Here I am eternally single and alone, unable to get anyone to notice me, yearning for some kind of human contact, and your friend who also has social anxiety has guys asking HIM out. Nobody has ever asked me out in my life. I wish I were as good looking and charming as he apparently is. Tell him he's being ridiculous.

Ezekiel:
I'm jealous. Here I am eternally single and alone, unable to get anyone to notice me, yearning for some kind of human contact, and your friend who also has social anxiety has guys asking HIM out. Nobody has ever asked me out in my life. I wish I were as good looking and charming as he apparently is. Tell him he's being ridiculous.

Sorry dude, didn't mean to open up old wounds :-(

DarklordKyo:

Ezekiel:
I'm jealous. Here I am eternally single and alone, unable to get anyone to notice me, yearning for some kind of human contact, and your friend who also has social anxiety has guys asking HIM out. Nobody has ever asked me out in my life. I wish I were as good looking and charming as he apparently is. Tell him he's being ridiculous.

Sorry dude, didn't mean to open up old wounds :-(

No need to apologize. My wounds don't close. I just need to project now and then.

Ezekiel:
No need to apologize. My wounds don't closed. I just need to project now and then.

Gotcha, still

DarklordKyo:
I have this friend who has some serious relationship anxiety. For example, one time, when the dude he had a crush on asked him out, he instantly shot the guy down because of said anxiety. Now, you never know what the future holds, and, for all we know, he could be destined to be some lucky guy's house spouse. Towards the end of helping him deal with his relationship anxiety, I had an idea that, honestly, is insane even by my standards.

I'm considering asking him out on a date.

Now bear with me, let me clear up a few things. First of all, I'll make sure he's fully aware of my plan, I'll point out that there aren't any ulterior motives, though we've gotten tight enough that he might not bring that up, and, in hopes of making it easier for him to try, I'll point out that, to an extent, a date's just a private hang out session with possible, consensual intimacy (and he and I hang out pretty regularly already), and I'd limit it to only hugs just to ease him in.

That said though, even I'm thinking this is too insane to work, but what do you doods think? Should I roll the dice?, or should I just hope that he grows as a person on his own?

If you are that close then don't create a "battle plan" as it will not work. 'DON'T' make them aware of such a plan in the first place because you can make the person feel "under Pressure".This is true for anyone that has any type of anxiety mentioning your plans would do you more harm then good.

DarkLordKyo simply hang out with them,have fun like you normally would do. Eventually you will find a moment somewhere to ask them out.

DarklordKyo:

Asita:

...No? "You and your date set up him and someone you think would hit it off with him". The assumption of this is that you're going out with someone other than your friend. So you arrange a date with someone, and you and/or your date figure out someone who would get on well with your friend. The four of you go out, you're there to coach, calm, and/or correct course for your friend as needed.

My friend IS the date.

And I am suggesting an alternative to an idea that you yourself described as "too insane to work". Hence "wouldn't it be just as easy".

Serious question, DK: Is this just a pretext for you to ask the guy out? I mean it was just the other week that you were asking for advice about hypothetically ending up with a guy, and now here you are seemingly seeking validation for an idea about asking a guy out. Is this really about helping the guy's social anxiety, or is this the guy you were mulling over a future with? Because if not, I suggest double dating as a superior way to help with the anxiety over pretending to date him. But if you are hoping to get a relationship out of this, the pretense is only setting you up to be hurt.

Asita:

Serious question, DK: Is this just a pretext for you to ask the guy out? I mean it was just the other week that you were asking for advice about hypothetically ending up with a guy, and now here you are seemingly seeking validation for an idea about asking a guy out. Is this really about helping the guy's social anxiety, or is this the guy you were mulling over a future with? Because if not, I suggest double dating as a superior way to help with the anxiety over pretending to date him. But if you are hoping to get a relationship out of this, the pretense is only setting you up to be hurt.

Logical deduction, but it's pure coincidence. Honestly, I was purely being hypothetical, because, to be frank, I doubt I'm the right guy for anyone right now.

Good guess, but it is purely for therapy.

Also, I'm too busy for a serious relationship right now, K.ROOL STOLE MAH NANNERS!, lol

DarklordKyo:

fix-the-spade:

More seriously, this can go all kinds of ways. If you're going to ask him out on a date you have to be prepared for the possibility that you're going to end up with a new boyfriend.

[*shrugs*] Well, if it ends up going that way, I don't really mind. He and I get along pretty well as is, and I, apparently, light up his life enough that he briefly spazzes out when I enter the room (granted, for all I know, he could do that with a lot of his friends, but still).

So in other words you also have relationship anxiety to the point where you need to do all these mental gymnastics to find a scenario where you feel comfortable asking him out.

I second the guy who told you to grow up and start handling this stuff like two adults because honestly, none of this sounds like a basis for a good relationship in any fashion. Time to open yourself to the possibility of getting shot down my man, have some courage.

RiseOfTheWhiteWolf:

So in other words you also have relationship anxiety to the point where you need to do all these mental gymnastics to find a scenario where you feel comfortable asking him out.

I second the guy who told you to grow up and start handling this stuff like two adults because honestly, none of this sounds like a basis for a good relationship in any fashion. Time to open yourself to the possibility of getting shot down my man, have some courage.

To be honest, while I can see your basis for saying that, it's unneeded. The whole idea is primarily for therapy, and getting an adorable boyfriend would, honestly, be a happy accident. Besides, I asked someone out, and got shot down, a while ago, so I got nothing against rejection.

DarklordKyo:

RiseOfTheWhiteWolf:

So in other words you also have relationship anxiety to the point where you need to do all these mental gymnastics to find a scenario where you feel comfortable asking him out.

I second the guy who told you to grow up and start handling this stuff like two adults because honestly, none of this sounds like a basis for a good relationship in any fashion. Time to open yourself to the possibility of getting shot down my man, have some courage.

To be honest, while I can see your basis for saying that, it's unneeded. The whole idea is primarily for therapy, and getting an adorable boyfriend would, honestly, be a happy accident. Besides, I asked someone out, and got shot down, a while ago, so I got nothing against rejection.

Don't you think it's a bit insincere to treat the prospect of dating someone as a mere 'happy accident'? If I started dating someone and found out later they just started it as an experiment (regardless of how benevolent) and when the relationship got deeper they merely saw it as a happy accident, I'd be pretty damn insulted. If someone wants to date me, it should be because they want to date me. Anything less is a farce.

Squilookle:

Don't you think it's a bit insincere to treat the prospect of dating someone as a mere 'happy accident'? If I started dating someone and found out later they just started it as an experiment (regardless of how benevolent) and when the relationship got deeper they merely saw it as a happy accident, I'd be pretty damn insulted. If someone wants to date me, it should be because they want to date me. Anything less is a farce.

Fair, fair, didn't mean to make it sound so assholish though, sorry about that.

 

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