What would be considered "Too Picky/Selective" when dating (or in a relationship)?

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Also pretty sure my current relationship is gonna be the only one I'll be needing ever but like if I had to look for another I probably would just get to know people and not really obsess over deal breaker stuff. More about meeting someone first then deciding I like them then specifically looking for someone to date

Tho one thing that would make an actual relationship unlikely is kids as well, no desire to raise any

Certain ideas and attitudes would make someone an unlikely friend in the first place and I'm more inclined to be friends with someone first before deciding I want them even more involved in my life than that

I'm pretty new to this. For a long time, I just wasn't interested in a partner. My single life was pretty comfortable, and social enough to leave me with little desire for a partner. Even now, I'm mostly planning on doing it out of curiosity.

As a result, I'm not really sure what's a deal breaker just yet. I'm guessing it would be over-neediness. I like my personal space and me-time. After a social event or a busy day at work, I'm quick to retreat back to my room for some private time. Someone who needs attention 24/7 would probably push me away very fast.

On the great 3-dimensional spectrum of sexual deviancy, there are a number of objectively tame kinks most of us can tolerate. If a milquetoast straight-laced boring person can't handle, say, a foot fetish, I think that can be considered too picky. Similarly, an irredeemable filthy pervert who is utterly turned off by more conventional passion with their SO is also being too picky.

Sometimes, certain addictions can be looked past, compensated for, or even treated. If someone has a problem, it's utter nonsense to ignore all other qualities about that person without even trying to deal with that problem.
My father used to smoke when he was young, but when he started going out with my eventual mother, she stated in no uncertain terms, "quit smoking or we're not happening." So my father tossed his cigars and that was that.
My old 1SG never, ever, ever smoked around his wife or kid; even in -55 degrees in Alaska, he would stand on his back porch to burn one.

The Decapitated Centaur:

Lil devils x:
See now I think asking a guy to not have children is totally unreasonable, but the smoking is completely reasonable. Smoking is not just something that affects the person, it affects how they taste, how their skin tastes and smells, second hand smoke on their skin, hair, clothing, vehicle.. It makes everything about them taste gross. Someone having previous relationships and sex is expected and if one has sex there is the possibility of children happening so I see that as unreasonable to be that as something that defines whether or not they are bad partner. I do not see that impacting whether or not I would have a relationship with guy, and see that as being too much to ask of either a male or female. If you don't expect them to be a virgin or to not have previous relationship that goes along with the territory. A child is part of their family, not something nasty you have to taste. Drugs, smoking, tattoos, beard/ mustache, Body Odor, excessive flatulence, bad manners, swearing, poor hygiene, incompatible sex drive, inadequate conversation, arrogance, superficial, bad sense of humor, or of course being a Trump supporter are all deal breakers on the other hand.

I mean, I assume the point is not wanting to raise kids. That is kind of pretty big in affecting the life of someone's partner too?

Me not wanting to have kids does not mean that I should rule someone out because they have kids. Kids are very much a part of what it means to be human, and without them, we as humans would cease to exist, so yes they are seen as a necessity for human survival and not something that should be viewed as a bad things such as smoking or drug use. They are not the same so I do not treat them the same. I see viewing kids as some how being "a problem" simply because I don't want to give birth to them myself as being a bad thing because they are vital to our existence. Not wanting to have kids yourself =\= caring if someone else has kids, those are actually separate issues. It is " controlling" to expect a person to not have had previous relationships, and with previous relationships kids very well could be involved. I have dated a few men men with kids and I really do think it is being " too picky" to rule them out simply because they had a previous relationship that didn't work out. Now on the other hand if they are running around with kids all over the place with different fathers/ mothers, that is an indication of other issues, not just "oh they have a kid". In that case, it isn't a problem with kids, it is a problem with the person's relationship issues.

I see the problem here is people thinking they can "plan every aspect of their life", and the world does not work that way, it never works that way. Life is full of surprises. What you want now you may be repulsed from 5 years from now. What you plan to do now, you may want to run away from in your future. Sure you can plan things like your choice field of study, where you want to go on vacation, where you want to live but in reality anything can happen. You can be forced to change careers and move due to job availability, you could be in an accident and be forced to have to have others help you.. That is just it, you have no idea what life you will live in the end, we are given limited control. Yes, you can control whether or not you have kids yourself, but to try impose that upon another person I feel is overbearing.

I see them already having kids actually helps me because then at least I won't feel as though I am depriving them of something very basic to human existence by not wanting to have them myself. Sure, they are very much a part of them and have to be accepted along with them, along with the responsibilities but I do not view that as a bad thing, as even in a relationship without kids you still have to accept the responsibilities and life changes that come with each individual. I view it as if not being willing to change your life to rebuild a new life with that person being equally important, then your not really ready for a relationship in the first place. If it is just causal dating where you have no desire to change your life, and you expect them not to change theirs, whether they have kids or not is irrelevant at that point because they will have no long term impact on the relationship. Simply because someone has kids does not mean they expect you to raise them. Now if you are not capable of behaving appropriately around children, that is a psychological issue on your end and you should seek help for it because kids are not going anywhere any time soon, not as long as mankind exists so everyone is forced to encounter them at some point in their existence.

sageoftruth:
I'm pretty new to this. For a long time, I just wasn't interested in a partner. My single life was pretty comfortable, and social enough to leave me with little desire for a partner. Even now, I'm mostly planning on doing it out of curiosity.

As a result, I'm not really sure what's a deal breaker just yet. I'm guessing it would be over-neediness. I like my personal space and me-time. After a social event or a busy day at work, I'm quick to retreat back to my room for some private time. Someone who needs attention 24/7 would probably push me away very fast.

I have always pretty much been that way about "neediness" as well, though I may have been a bit moreso on the "personal space" issue in the past but at least am not as bad as I used to be. I once became so enraged by the guy I was dating coming into my apartment and moving my stuff that I threw him out and broke up with him for continuing to move my things around. That is one of the only things I ever get into arguments about with guys I have dated. I hate people moving stuff around and it not being in " it's place". My current relationship works very well because he lets me decide where everything goes all the time and doesn't even try to move my stuff around so we don't argue at all. HAHA

Although I am far from "new at this" I don't think I have been without a relationship/ boyfriend for more than 2 weeks like.. ever. I don't think the personal space issue is due to not having experience with relationships, it is just a personality issue.

Lil devils x:

The Decapitated Centaur:

Lil devils x:
See now I think asking a guy to not have children is totally unreasonable, but the smoking is completely reasonable. Smoking is not just something that affects the person, it affects how they taste, how their skin tastes and smells, second hand smoke on their skin, hair, clothing, vehicle.. It makes everything about them taste gross. Someone having previous relationships and sex is expected and if one has sex there is the possibility of children happening so I see that as unreasonable to be that as something that defines whether or not they are bad partner. I do not see that impacting whether or not I would have a relationship with guy, and see that as being too much to ask of either a male or female. If you don't expect them to be a virgin or to not have previous relationship that goes along with the territory. A child is part of their family, not something nasty you have to taste. Drugs, smoking, tattoos, beard/ mustache, Body Odor, excessive flatulence, bad manners, swearing, poor hygiene, incompatible sex drive, inadequate conversation, arrogance, superficial, bad sense of humor, or of course being a Trump supporter are all deal breakers on the other hand.

I mean, I assume the point is not wanting to raise kids. That is kind of pretty big in affecting the life of someone's partner too?

Me not wanting to have kids does not mean that I should rule someone out because they have kids. Kids are very much a part of what it means to be human, and without them, we as humans would cease to exist, so yes they are seen as a necessity for human survival and not something that should be viewed as a bad things such as smoking or drug use. They are not the same so I do not treat them the same. I see viewing kids as some how being "a problem" simply because I don't want to give birth to them myself as being a bad thing because they are vital to our existence. Not wanting to have kids yourself =\= caring if someone else has kids, those are actually separate issues. It is " controlling" to expect a person to not have had previous relationships, and with previous relationships kids very well could be involved. I have dated a few men men with kids and I really do think it is being " too picky" to rule them out simply because they had a previous relationship that didn't work out. Now on the other hand if they are running around with kids all over the place with different fathers/ mothers, that is an indication of other issues, not just "oh they have a kid". In that case, it isn't a problem with kids, it is a problem with the person's relationship issues.

I see the problem here is people thinking they can "plan every aspect of their life", and the world does not work that way, it never works that way. Life is full of surprises. What you want now you may be repulsed from 5 years from now. What you plan to do now, you may want to run away from in your future. Sure you can plan things like your choice field of study, where you want to go on vacation, where you want to live but in reality anything can happen. You can be forced to change careers and move due to job availability, you could be in an accident and be forced to have to have others help you.. That is just it, you have no idea what life you will live in the end, we are given limited control. Yes, you can control whether or not you have kids yourself, but to try impose that upon another person I feel is overbearing.

I see them already having kids actually helps me because then at least I won't feel as though I am depriving them of something very basic to human existence by not wanting to have them myself. Sure, they are very much a part of them and have to be accepted along with them, along with the responsibilities but I do not view that as a bad thing, as even in a relationship without kids you still have to accept the responsibilities and life changes that come with each individual. I view it as if not being willing to change your life to rebuild a new life with that person being equally important, then your not really ready for a relationship in the first place. If it is just causal dating where you have no desire to change your life, and you expect them not to change theirs, whether they have kids or not is irrelevant at that point because they will have no long term impact on the relationship. Simply because someone has kids does not mean they expect you to raise them. Now if you are not capable of behaving appropriately around children, that is a psychological issue on your end and you should seek help for it because kids are not going anywhere any time soon, not as long as mankind exists so everyone is forced to encounter them at some point in their existence.

Have you considered that someone removing themselves from needing to raise kids isn't controlling and people can have different values than you when it comes to whether they want to raise kids? You're being very closed minded and suggesting things I did not say, for instance suggesting that someone should not demand someone else change their life... Like where the hell did I say that? I'm suggesting that is perfectly reasonable to choose not to date someone who has kids. That's different from giving them an ultimatum to get rid of their kids or whatever the hell you've imagined. It's not controlling to just not date someone

Also the idea that someone having a kid doesn't mean they expect you to raise them... if your eventual intentions involve cohabitation the kid is gonna be in your daily life. Short of outright ignoring them which is just gonna be rude you're gonna be a part of raising them, that's absurdly unrealistic to suggest otherwise unless you're talking about grown children or children that are being raised by a different parent.

Quite frankly the problem is you think that someone is evil or something for not wanting to live with a kid which is a reflection more on how judgmental you are of people who just don't want kids and how pushy you are about your values

The Decapitated Centaur:
snip

Maybe the benefit of doubt can be given, because I reckon this --

I don't think I have been without a relationship/ boyfriend for more than 2 weeks like.. ever.

-- causes one to have a different perspective on the matter.

The Decapitated Centaur:

Lil devils x:

The Decapitated Centaur:

I mean, I assume the point is not wanting to raise kids. That is kind of pretty big in affecting the life of someone's partner too?

Me not wanting to have kids does not mean that I should rule someone out because they have kids. Kids are very much a part of what it means to be human, and without them, we as humans would cease to exist, so yes they are seen as a necessity for human survival and not something that should be viewed as a bad things such as smoking or drug use. They are not the same so I do not treat them the same. I see viewing kids as some how being "a problem" simply because I don't want to give birth to them myself as being a bad thing because they are vital to our existence. Not wanting to have kids yourself =\= caring if someone else has kids, those are actually separate issues. It is " controlling" to expect a person to not have had previous relationships, and with previous relationships kids very well could be involved. I have dated a few men men with kids and I really do think it is being " too picky" to rule them out simply because they had a previous relationship that didn't work out. Now on the other hand if they are running around with kids all over the place with different fathers/ mothers, that is an indication of other issues, not just "oh they have a kid". In that case, it isn't a problem with kids, it is a problem with the person's relationship issues.

I see the problem here is people thinking they can "plan every aspect of their life", and the world does not work that way, it never works that way. Life is full of surprises. What you want now you may be repulsed from 5 years from now. What you plan to do now, you may want to run away from in your future. Sure you can plan things like your choice field of study, where you want to go on vacation, where you want to live but in reality anything can happen. You can be forced to change careers and move due to job availability, you could be in an accident and be forced to have to have others help you.. That is just it, you have no idea what life you will live in the end, we are given limited control. Yes, you can control whether or not you have kids yourself, but to try impose that upon another person I feel is overbearing.

I see them already having kids actually helps me because then at least I won't feel as though I am depriving them of something very basic to human existence by not wanting to have them myself. Sure, they are very much a part of them and have to be accepted along with them, along with the responsibilities but I do not view that as a bad thing, as even in a relationship without kids you still have to accept the responsibilities and life changes that come with each individual. I view it as if not being willing to change your life to rebuild a new life with that person being equally important, then your not really ready for a relationship in the first place. If it is just causal dating where you have no desire to change your life, and you expect them not to change theirs, whether they have kids or not is irrelevant at that point because they will have no long term impact on the relationship. Simply because someone has kids does not mean they expect you to raise them. Now if you are not capable of behaving appropriately around children, that is a psychological issue on your end and you should seek help for it because kids are not going anywhere any time soon, not as long as mankind exists so everyone is forced to encounter them at some point in their existence.

Have you considered that someone removing themselves from needing to raise kids isn't controlling and people can have different values than you when it comes to whether they want to raise kids? You're being very closed minded and suggesting things I did not say, for instance suggesting that someone should not demand someone else change their life... Like where the hell did I say that? I'm suggesting that is perfectly reasonable to choose not to date someone who has kids. That's different from giving them an ultimatum to get rid of their kids or whatever the hell you've imagined. It's not controlling to just not date someone

Also the idea that someone having a kid doesn't mean they expect you to raise them... if your eventual intentions involve cohabitation the kid is gonna be in your daily life. Short of outright ignoring them which is just gonna be rude you're gonna be a part of raising them, that's absurdly unrealistic to suggest otherwise unless you're talking about grown children or children that are being raised by a different parent.

Quite frankly the problem is you think that someone is evil or something for not wanting to live with a kid which is a reflection more on how judgmental you are of people who just don't want kids and how pushy you are about your values

Actually, if you read what I wrote here:

If it is just causal dating where you have no desire to change your life, and you expect them not to change theirs, whether they have kids or not is irrelevant at that point because they will have no long term impact on the relationship. Simply because someone has kids does not mean they expect you to raise them.

If you don't want to change anything for them and don't want them to change anything for you, they are not going to impact dating them regardless. It is no different than dating someone who is " on call" such a Physician or an executive. Sure something can come up and they have to end the date early to tend to their kid, but they can have to do that to take care of a sick parent or to deal with work. It really is no different at that point.

I know plenty of people who don't want their dates to raise their kids, both male and female so assuming anyone wants you to do that in the first place is false to begin with. It is something you talk about to find out, not just brand them as "undateable" because they had a kid. I am not saying you want them to abandon their kids, however, I am saying you are writing people off because you make assumptions about them due to having a kid, that may not even be the case. I have dated a few guys with kids, even when the kids lived with them and he was a "single dad" it wasn't like I was responsible for raising their kids. Dating is separate from parenthood, and I think you are confusing the two as being a necessity when they are not. Even if the kid is present, there is nothing saying you have to parent them. It is no different than say the neighbors kids playing in your yard and you are there. You don't chase them off screaming right? Just being nice to a kid doesn't mean you have to parent them, or are responsible for them in any way. That is a separate discussion that should take place to determine. I am not saying you are "evil" in any way, and I am not sure where you got that from what I said. Making assumptions about them and their intentions yes, but no that does not mean evil. You are also making assumptions about " my values" when you have no idea what my " values" are.

McElroy:

The Decapitated Centaur:
snip

Maybe the benefit of doubt can be given, because I reckon this --

I don't think I have been without a relationship/ boyfriend for more than 2 weeks like.. ever.

-- causes one to have a different perspective on the matter.

Yea I am sure it does give me a different perspective on the matter. I have also never had a guy break up with me, and honestly do not even know what that would be like really. I have dated quite a bit and been in multiple long term relationships as well. I have dated guys with kids, even ones that lived with them and it was nothing like he stated it would be. I just don't think it reasonable to make assumptions about people when they have no idea what their intentions are. My current relationship has kids that lived with him when we met and I didn't have kids, and is very different from what was stated here as being what was expected. Yes, you can even live with their kids and not be their parent or be expected to be their parent * shocker*. Not everyone is looking for " their baby's Daddy/ Mama". They have a mother, though she lives far from here, so they do not get to see her often enough, they still have a mother and I have no intention of replacing her.

Being around kids or having them present =/= raising them.

I don't really think there's anything like that when you get down to it. Or at the very least I think that if something is a problem to the point where it'd dissuade a relationship it just means you simply don't love that person, since love should be able to trump everything.

I told my Gf on Date number 3 i didn't want children. And that if having a family was her thing, that we shouldn't waste our time. Been together 8 years, she got Cancer in year 5, and had her uterus removed.She is now cancer free and unable to have children, funny how life works.

Lufia Erim:
I told my Gf on Date number 3 i didn't want children. And that if having a family was her thing, that we shouldn't waste our time. Been together 8 years, she got Cancer in year 5, and had her uterus removed.She is now cancer free and unable to have children, funny how life works.

So... How hard did you ponder the possibility of "an accident" through those five years?

Dreiko:
since love should be able to trump everything.

...but doesn't.

And probably just as well, or there'd be a lot more misery in the world. Relationships are a huge amount more than love; they're about trust, understanding, mutual concession and compromise, etc.

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