Creative ways to annoy Cold Callers

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It's always annoying to to pick up the phone and have someone trying to sell you something.

I once told a telesales person I couldn't talk because I was in the middle of watching Die Hard (this was at eight in the morning). We laughed, he hung up and I haven't heard back from them. Maybe they though I was dropping a hint?

Do you have any creative ways of either getting them off the phone, or have any humorous situations ever come about from a cold caller?

Tell them you will need a moment and leave the phone off of the hook until they hang up.

Perhaps make some strange, disturbing sounds in the background that sound like violence or something.

"Stay the fuck away from my family! *disturbing squelching noises*"

Usually works...

You could buy a phone with a phone that lets you put them on hold with a song of your choice (if they have that) and set it to Never Gonna Give You Up then tell them the doorbell rang. Put them on hold and leave them there until they hang up.

EDIT: Or freak out and ask how they got your number, and pretend to be a secret organization for evil purposes.

There was am amazing one on...radio I think?

Basically, they pretended it was a crime scene, and told the sales guy he was wanted for questioning. Somebody will post it soon.

I generally start talking to them like the topic is a completely different subject and then pretend like they're the weird one for being confused. like I'll just throw something completely random out like "Yeah, pan with sausage and pepperoni" and then when they act confused I'll be like "oh and I have a coupon so that should only be like, 11 bucks" and then when they try to explain what the hell they're doing I act pissed and ask to talk to their manager, and usually if they don't hang up on me I end up like, screaming at them.

Either that or I'll just talk to them, but I'll just speak out the lyrics to a song.

WrongSprite:
There was am amazing one on...radio I think?

Basically, they pretended it was a crime scene, and told the sales guy he was wanted for questioning. Somebody will post it soon.

Oh man, I remember one like that!

Made my day.

OT: Well... that one.

I don't have any good ones for the phone, but its useful to keep a gimp mask by the door just in case any Jehovah witnesses turn up.

I just say 'please hold' and leave the phone next to my speakers for a few minutes. Cold callers don't like metal.

I once paused a video I was watching at a certain place, where a man is riddled with machine gun bullets. I then told the salesman to wait a moment, then turned the volume up to full blast and let the invisible bullets shred the invisible man to death.

I then asked "Sorry, you were saying?" He hung up on me.

Was it something I said?

Well, I don't have any humerous ways of getting rid of them, I tend to just tell them I'm not interested, or if they happen to be particularly annoying (or from an Indian call centre :P), just hang up the phone.

Though there was a time I got a call while I was in the middle of an online game of L4D. I had bitten the bullet so my character was languishing in a cupboard waiting to be rescued at the time the phone went.

When the girl on the phone asked if it I had time to talk, I said that it wasn't a very good time right now. She just laughed and said the usual scripted pleasantries before ending the call. Given that the sounds of gunfire and the screams of the various zombies could be heard clearly in the background, it makes me wonder what the caller thought was going on....

Try to sell stuff to them.

wait for them to finish whatever they are telling you and then say "sorry, i wasnt paying attention"

WrongSprite:
There was am amazing one on...radio I think?

Basically, they pretended it was a crime scene, and told the sales guy he was wanted for questioning. Somebody will post it soon.

This is it.

Say, "I'm masturbating right now."

Then when they apologize I say "No, its alright, now if you could just moan for me for a bit a bit..."

Never heard back from them.

"Sorry, I am too busy masturbating to talk right now, but I would be happy to call you back if you would give me your home phone number."

The Seinfeld way?

"(my mother) no longer resides here.

Not ever since...

THE INCIDENT."

I said this once, it was hilarious.

Grayjack72:
This is.

Hahaha thats genious and the poor telesales guy hehe.

"Moo? Moo. Moo moo-moo-moo mooooo. Moo. MOO! Moo? Moo?! MOOOOOOO??!!!!"

Often works. I like to do the whole "Snake? Snake?! SNAAAAAAKKKEEEEE?!" on them, but it moo talk.

I just go "Ill brb" Then i leave them by my speakers and just continue playing my music down the reciever.

Ask them for Battletoads.

Say "Give me a minute, you can keep talking, I'm just in the middle of masturbating. Say, are you interested in my product? It's long lasting and refreshing if you're picking up what I'm putting down. No? Well could you describe what you look like for me. Say it slowly in a soothing voice please, but don't forget to call me a dirty bitch."

Or tell them your house is being broken into BRB.

Or tell them you're going to kill yourself. Keep talking to them about bullshit sob stories.

In my new home i dont bother having a landline for this reason! I just use my mobile...

Start receiting random passages from Leviticus.

Depends on if I recognize the number. I have an mp3 of the "unable to connect" tones; if I know the number on the call ID is BS, that's what they get. I've been told that predictive dialers automatically remove numbers from their call list if they get those tones. It's also handy to crank the volume should a real person get on the line before it automatically disconnects.

Alternately, I will tell people, "Sorry, I'm not here right now." Wait for the conversation to end and wonder idly if they ever realized what exactly I said to them.

What i've done is let them go on with their spiel for a while then cut them off by asking in a wistful tone "what's your favourite colour?.." whatever they answer, i sound dejected and slowly put the phone down.

do what Jim Florentine does (seriously have any of you ever listened to terrorizing telemarketers?)

"Oh, you haven't heard? Mr. Stevenson passed away last night. Yes. Erotic Asfixia. Tragic, yes."

Good topic, funny replies!
Next time I'm gonna ad lib with some of the suggestions here ^_^

I pretended to be their boss saying 'what are you doing calling me do you WANT to get fired?' it only worked once but it was hilarious.

My uncle told a double glazing company that he was a vampire, and as such had boarded all his windows up because he couldn't survive in sunlight, they never called again.
Another uncle got offered an exclusive deal on a 3G phone, he said he'd call them back after he'd gone to look around his house in case he already had some "G's"

Ask them how their day was. Have a conversation and make sure it steers clear of the product. Eventually just say, "Well, have a nice day." I did this and I don't get telemarketers anymore. As far as those damn machines go I typically Just hand up the phone within the first second.

"Good day this is (telemarketer name)..."
"About damn time you called back, you said you would pick up the stuff yesterday, you know what kinda shit I'll be in if the cops find me sitting on 12k's of uncut crystal meth? If I go down I'm taken you with me."
*telemarketer tries to stammer out something*
"Oh thats how you want it to go is it? I am comin round to your place right now and I am gonna f*uck you up seriously!"
*hangs up*

Some facts about telemarketers you might not be aware of.

1) Most of them are minimum wage earners who are desperate for work, and probably have been with that company for less than a month. They are hungry, probably haven't seen their first check yet, and are bound to lose their job very quickly. 95% of the telemarketers who call you come from this camp. They may, through desperation or lack of experience, stay through your call.

2) The rest of them are those that have, by random chance, exactly the right skillset/luck to play the telemarketing game. They'll end the call as soon as you attempt your pranky shinanegans. They know from the moment your shinanegan starts that you're not a sale and not worth their time. They have the sole goal of getting to the close. If you prove a barrier to that, they will find another deal.

3) The management are the ones who set the agenda for the call, set the lousy pay scale, set up the situation where the desperate being must call you, and will keep bothering you for the yes because if he does not, he will lose his job and maybe even his chance to eat this month.

So, knowing these three facts, the best 'telemarketer' annoyance schemes are those that involve avoiding impact to 1) and concentrating on 2 and 3.

What you -need- to do is get management on the horn. That wastes -their- time, and now your pranking can hit the desired impact. Instead of annoying someone who, 19 out of 20 times, is doomed to get fired anyways, you're actually concentrating the pain on the -cause- of your annoyance, the douchebag who is running this malarky.

And if your caller was of type 2, 'Speak to your manager' is the one thing they won't hang up on you for (speaking to a manager often means a closed deal) but if you're doing it to annoy the manager, it is the one thing that will really bugger their carreer that you -can- do.

EDIT: Altho, the 'Have a nice day' angle is surprisingly effective. It'll snare the type 1 callers, and will probably make their day less stressful for a brief moment, it'll engage the type 2 callers, who will think they are building rapport, and managers HATE it because it wastes talk time.

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