How to talk to someone you have nothing in-common with?

No this isn't a relationship thread.
With that out of they way, onto the topic at hand. This may sound immensly bizarre to you, but try to understand anyway.
As of late me and my best friend (who is a female) have been barely talking, by that I mean all we say to each other is "Hey" when we see each other and "Bye" when one of us is leaving. I know what you must be thinking "How the hell is she your best friend is you don't even TALK?" Well...I have no idea.
We have nothing in-common, and it's really starting to bother me. What the hell do I say to her next time I see her? I know this sounds immensly retarded, and I feel like a twat asking for help on a game forum but I'm hoping I can get some worthwhile replies from some of the internets finest.

How long have you known her, how long has this been going on? Has it just started to happen or did you talk first when you first met?

Funny story's, or try to find something in common. You never know what she might like, since MW2 a lot of girls at my school have been playing it, but since you her best friend you would know if she liked it or not.

PayJ567:
How long have you known her, how long has this been going on? Has it just started to happen or did you talk first when you first met?

Well, I've known her since around August of 2008, but around mid last year something immensly fucked up happened at my school, and we became good friends.
It's been lately that this has been happening, hell we barely talked at her 16th earlier in the year.

El Poncho:
Funny story's, or try to find something in common. You never know what she might like, since MW2 a lot of girls at my school have been playing it, but since you her best friend you would know if she liked it or not.

Sadly, she is not a girl who games. I know her interests, well music wise. We just don't really have anything in-common.

You don't always need to have something in common as much as somewhy.
If that makes no sense, here's an example:

I am passionate about music. I have a friend who knows nothing about music, but she is extremely passionate about art. I know nothing about art.
I could hear her talk for hours about her passion and she mine, because it's not the thing we are passionate about that is important, it is simply that we are both passionate about something, and THAT is what we have in common.

Hope that helps.

BlindMessiah94:
You don't always need to have something in common as much as somewhy.
If that makes no sense, here's an example:

I am passionate about music. I have a friend who knows nothing about music, but she is extremely passionate about art. I know nothing about art.
I could hear her talk for hours about her passion and she mine, because it's not the thing we are passionate about that is important, it is simply that we are both passionate about something, and THAT is what we have in common.

Hope that helps.

Well...now to find out what shes passionate about.
What I meant by the in-common part, is that without us having anything in-common, I don't really have anything to start a conversation with.
I'm passionate about music aswell, she's into all the mainstream shit that you hear on the radio.

Just ask her how she's doing, or if she's done some fun activities last week. Maybe she also has something fun planned for the next week? then you can talk about that. Works for me.

imahobbit4062:
No this isn't a relationship thread.
With that out of they way, onto the topic at hand. This may sound immensly bizarre to you, but try to understand anyway.
As of late me and my best friend (who is a female) have been barely talking, by that I mean all we say to each other is "Hey" when we see each other and "Bye" when one of us is leaving. I know what you must be thinking "How the hell is she your best friend is you don't even TALK?" Well...I have no idea.
We have nothing in-common, and it's really starting to bother me. What the hell do I say to her next time I see her? I know this sounds immensly retarded, and I feel like a twat asking for help on a game forum but I'm hoping I can get some worthwhile replies from some of the internets finest.

I mean this in the nicest way possible but, how old are you?

Because when you're younger (Hey I'm only 30 that's still youthful and hunky right?) you will go through many personality changes before you settle on one. It's so gradual that you won't notice until you look back and see all the years as a blur.
The thing is she might be changing in to a different person than when you first met, (or you are) and you simply might not be compatable as friends anymore. Sometimes it's best to just 'drift' apart. Hell, you could change back in to compatable people down the road and drift right back.

My 2nd suggestion... Bring a 3rd person in to the meetings sometimes that helps because the pressure is lessend.

ace_of_something:

imahobbit4062:
No this isn't a relationship thread.
With that out of they way, onto the topic at hand. This may sound immensly bizarre to you, but try to understand anyway.
As of late me and my best friend (who is a female) have been barely talking, by that I mean all we say to each other is "Hey" when we see each other and "Bye" when one of us is leaving. I know what you must be thinking "How the hell is she your best friend is you don't even TALK?" Well...I have no idea.
We have nothing in-common, and it's really starting to bother me. What the hell do I say to her next time I see her? I know this sounds immensly retarded, and I feel like a twat asking for help on a game forum but I'm hoping I can get some worthwhile replies from some of the internets finest.

I mean this in the nicest way possible but, how old are you?

Because when you're younger (Hey I'm only 30 that's still youthful and hunky right?) you will go through many personality changes before you settle on one. It's so gradual that you won't notice until you look back and see all the years as a blur.
The thing is she might be changing in to a different person than when you first met, (or you are) and you simply might not be compatable as friends anymore. Sometimes it's best to just 'drift' apart. Hell, you could change back in to compatable people down the road and drift right back.

My 2nd suggestion... Bring a 3rd person in to the meetings sometimes that helps because the pressure is lessend.

I'm 16, but not a mindless binge drinking, sex crazed fast driving
teen. She's the same age as me. And after the events that happened last year, we both have been through a lot together. It just doesn't seem like we would "drift apart" then again, this may be my inner typical teenage mind thinking here.

imahobbit4062:

ace_of_something:

imahobbit4062:
No this isn't a relationship thread.
With that out of they way, onto the topic at hand. This may sound immensly bizarre to you, but try to understand anyway.
As of late me and my best friend (who is a female) have been barely talking, by that I mean all we say to each other is "Hey" when we see each other and "Bye" when one of us is leaving. I know what you must be thinking "How the hell is she your best friend is you don't even TALK?" Well...I have no idea.
We have nothing in-common, and it's really starting to bother me. What the hell do I say to her next time I see her? I know this sounds immensly retarded, and I feel like a twat asking for help on a game forum but I'm hoping I can get some worthwhile replies from some of the internets finest.

I mean this in the nicest way possible but, how old are you?

Because when you're younger (Hey I'm only 30 that's still youthful and hunky right?) you will go through many personality changes before you settle on one. It's so gradual that you won't notice until you look back and see all the years as a blur.
The thing is she might be changing in to a different person than when you first met, (or you are) and you simply might not be compatable as friends anymore. Sometimes it's best to just 'drift' apart. Hell, you could change back in to compatable people down the road and drift right back.

My 2nd suggestion... Bring a 3rd person in to the meetings sometimes that helps because the pressure is lessend.

I'm 16, but not a mindless binge drinking, sex crazed fast driving
teen. She's the same age as me. And after the events that happened last year, we both have been through a lot together. It just doesn't seem like we would "drift apart" then again, this may be my inner typical teenage mind thinking here.

He's right though. Sometimes as a teen you just start getting interested in different things and hang out with different people.

I suggest sex. Mostly because I support sex in general so you might not want to listen to me.

imahobbit4062:

PayJ567:
How long have you known her, how long has this been going on? Has it just started to happen or did you talk first when you first met?

Well, I've known her since around August of 2008, but around mid last year something immensly fucked up happened at my school, and we became good friends.
It's been lately that this has been happening, hell we barely talked at her 16th earlier in the year.

Sounds to me like the relationship is/has just gone stale. Have you tried speaking to her about it, mabye she feels the same?

PayJ567:

imahobbit4062:

PayJ567:
How long have you known her, how long has this been going on? Has it just started to happen or did you talk first when you first met?

Well, I've known her since around August of 2008, but around mid last year something immensly fucked up happened at my school, and we became good friends.
It's been lately that this has been happening, hell we barely talked at her 16th earlier in the year.

Sounds to me like the relationship is/has just gone stale. Have you tried speaking to her about it, mabye she feels the same?

I havn't talked to her about it yet, since we are both getting settled into our new school (last week was our first week of Year 11, so everything was all still new to us).
I do plan to confront her about it tomorrow.

imahobbit4062:

PayJ567:

imahobbit4062:

PayJ567:
How long have you known her, how long has this been going on? Has it just started to happen or did you talk first when you first met?

Well, I've known her since around August of 2008, but around mid last year something immensly fucked up happened at my school, and we became good friends.
It's been lately that this has been happening, hell we barely talked at her 16th earlier in the year.

Sounds to me like the relationship is/has just gone stale. Have you tried speaking to her about it, mabye she feels the same?

I havn't talked to her about it yet, since we are both getting settled into our new school (last week was our first week of Year 11, so everything was all still new to us).
I do plan to confront her about it tomorrow.

Fair enough, If she feels the same then it can definately be salvaged. Has she been more distant with anyone else as mabye it might be like a family thing and she is being like it with everyone.

First of all, how can you say you have nothing in common when a common experience led you to become friends in the first place?
Then as far as starting conversation, ask if she saw the [insert sport here] match on the weekend, heard about [insert incident here] or tell her you've been hitting some game/book/physical activity real hard recently, gotten back into something you haven't seen/read/done in a while. (i.e "Saw Happy Gilmore again last night, love it when that chick falls out the window.")
Once the conversation starts if there's something bothering her at the moment she'll tell you about it and you can be there for her as the friend you are.

All the best dude, don't think about things too much lol just do them... within reason, you know, be responsible just don't get bogged down over simple stuff.

darky85:
First of all, how can you say you have nothing in common when a common experience led you to become friends in the first place?
Then as far as starting conversation, ask if she saw the [insert sport here] match on the weekend, heard about [insert incident here] or tell her you've been hitting some game/book/physical activity real hard recently, gotten back into something you haven't seen/read/done in a while. (i.e "Saw Happy Gilmore again last night, love it when that chick falls out the window.")
Once the conversation starts if there's something bothering her at the moment she'll tell you about it and you can be there for her as the friend you are.

All the best dude, don't think about things too much lol just do them.

The experience that led us to be friends wasn't exactly a good one. Infact, I'm sure some people here would be disgusted about it. (Note, it wasn't something either of us did, something a mate of mine did).

imahobbit4062:

BlindMessiah94:
You don't always need to have something in common as much as somewhy.
If that makes no sense, here's an example:

I am passionate about music. I have a friend who knows nothing about music, but she is extremely passionate about art. I know nothing about art.
I could hear her talk for hours about her passion and she mine, because it's not the thing we are passionate about that is important, it is simply that we are both passionate about something, and THAT is what we have in common.

Hope that helps.

Well...now to find out what shes passionate about.
What I meant by the in-common part, is that without us having anything in-common, I don't really have anything to start a conversation with.
I'm passionate about music aswell, she's into all the mainstream shit that you hear on the radio.

Well you said you don't know her that well. I'd just ask her questions. Find out more about her. If she's not entirely self-centered she'll ask you some too. It's a start anyhow. If you need specific questions to ask to get the ball rolling let me know.

...and that experience is one thing you have in common. That was the point I was making; that you have that experience and other since best friend experiences in common. That's your common ground.
The rest of my post was just how to start conversations with anyone let alone your friends.

imahobbit4062:
The experience that led us to be friends wasn't exactly a good one. Infact, I'm sure some people here would be disgusted about it. (Note, it wasn't something either of us did, something a mate of mine did).

Could you tell this story? not so much on-topic but it sounds dramatic.

To stay on-topic when I need to talk to people all I do is ask questions, alot of questions.
It has something to do with people generally liking to talk about themselves, and they feel comfortable when they're listened to.

Why on earth would you bother? Move on to someone else until you find someone you have something in common with. I can't see any point in wasting time on someone you don't share a single common interest with.

John-Joe:

imahobbit4062:
The experience that led us to be friends wasn't exactly a good one. Infact, I'm sure some people here would be disgusted about it. (Note, it wasn't something either of us did, something a mate of mine did).

Could you tell this story? not so much on-topic but it sounds dramatic.

To stay on-topic when I need to talk to people all I do is ask questions, alot of questions.
It has something to do with people generally liking to talk about themselves, and they feel comfortable when they're listened to.

This story isn't exactly something I would like to post on the internet for a bunch of strangers to listen to.

Jaythulhu:
Why on earth would you bother? Move on to someone else until you find someone you have something in common with. I can't see any point in wasting time on someone you don't share a single common interest with.

Because we get along really well? Up untill this recent stalemate.

imahobbit4062:
This story isn't exactly something I would like to post on the internet for a bunch of strangers to listen to.

Oh please I basically tell my whole life stories, and not in an annoying way, unless you know lots of people here who cares, you've probably got a less then one percent chance of meeting someone on this site in real life.

My advice? Try and make something in common with your friend, not find. Do any activity from rock climbing to sniffing petrol until you both can relate to it. Even if it's something like Ice skating you'll have something to talk about until you find more things in common with her.

Bottom line, make, then find.

1. Not knowing this "previous situation" definately hinders advice giving for the sole reason that most people don't enjoy horrific experiences and tend to shy away from anyone involved. Maybe she just needed someone familiar with the situation and you related because you were both caught in the middle of this ordeal and instead of dragging another perosn in, you found solice in eachother. Afterwards, you've outlived your usefulness and because there was nothing but said event to keep you two together as friends, the relationship built slowly crumbled away. I'm not saying that she was purposfully using you, that's just human nature.

2. Why ARE you asking us? Wouldn't this question be better suited for, y'know, your circle of friends whom I would assume would be much more familiar with the person and the situation? If they can't help, but even worse off, if they don't want to help, I'd say you're in it deeper than you think. Friends are people you rely on. They're like an extended family. You should be able to trust your friends well enough that situations like these would be something you can go ask them about.

3. If you really want the relationship with this person to continue, you need to show you're commited to it. You said at the beginning that this thread wasn't a relationship thread, but I beg to differ. It may not be a SEXUAL relationship where you've fallen in love with this girl, however it still concerns the relationship you two have, which is dwindling quickly by your remarks. Just start up a conversation. If you both have interests in music, use that! Don't bother yourself with the fact that she only likes pop music. I'm sure there are a few songs in pop music you find catchy enough to talk about them. Branch out form there. Explain your liking of different styles of music. Expand HER interests and she'll, in turn, expand yours. That's what friends do; they help eachother grow as people.

imahobbit4062:

Jaythulhu:
*snip*

Because we get along really well? Up untill this recent stalemate.

Ok, well, what is it you do share in common? Why is this person your best friend, if you share nothing? I've done enough psych courses and have lived long enough to offer some advice, but really, without knowing why you two are friends, let alone what brought you together in the first place, I'd be shooting blind.

There has to be something that links the two of you, I'm just not seeing the full picture yet. Can you give some more info about your relationship and how you came to be friends in the first place?

[edit]
I'd like to help, I just don't know enough or have enough information on the two of you to offer a truly valid and unbiased opinion.

[edit 2]
Just on a side note, has anyone noticed a correlation between social disfunction and ability to offer insight into the co-operations of others? For example, I've been single for over 7 years, but my friends who are in long-term relationships come to me for advice and assistance with problems that I'm almost always able to resolve to the complete satisfaction of both parties.

HellsingerAngel:
1. Not knowing this "previous situation" definately hinders advice giving for the sole reason that most people don't enjoy horrific experiences and tend to shy away from anyone involved. Maybe she just needed someone familiar with the situation and you related because you were both caught in the middle of this ordeal and instead of dragging another perosn in, you found solice in eachother. Afterwards, you've outlived your usefulness and because there was nothing but said event to keep you two together as friends, the relationship built slowly crumbled away. I'm not saying that she was purposfully using you, that's just human nature.

2. Why ARE you asking us? Wouldn't this question be better suited for, y'know, your circle of friends whom I would assume would be much more familiar with the person and the situation? If they can't help, but even worse off, if they don't want to help, I'd say you're in it deeper than you think. Friends are people you rely on. They're like an extended family. You should be able to trust your friends well enough that situations like these would be something you can go ask them about.

3. If you really want the relationship with this person to continue, you need to show you're commited to it. You said at the beginning that this thread wasn't a relationship thread, but I beg to differ. It may not be a SEXUAL relationship where you've fallen in love with this girl, however it still concerns the relationship you two have, which is dwindling quickly by your remarks. Just start up a conversation. If you both have interests in music, use that! Don't bother yourself with the fact that she only likes pop music. I'm sure there are a few songs in pop music you find catchy enough to talk about them. Branch out form there. Explain your liking of different styles of music. Expand HER interests and she'll, in turn, expand yours. That's what friends do; they help eachother grow as people.

I don't trust anyone else besides her, and another mate which isn't even in the same circle of friends as her. Trust me, I feel very stupid asking advice like this on a forum. I was hoping for some helpful answers, and I got some.

Jaythulhu:

imahobbit4062:

Jaythulhu:
*snip*

Because we get along really well? Up untill this recent stalemate.

Ok, well, what is it you do share in common? Why is this person your best friend, if you share nothing? I've done enough psych courses and have lived long enough to offer some advice, but really, without knowing why you two are friends, let alone what brought you together in the first place, I'd be shooting blind.

There has to be something that links the two of you, I'm just not seeing the full picture yet. Can you give some more info about your relationship and how you came to be friends in the first place?

One girl who we were both friends with introduced us. I had actually cut my arm on a football post and was bleeding quite badly when they both came over and started talking to me. Then from there on out we slowly became friends, then this ordeal with a cuntfuck mate of mine happened and we became closer.

imahobbit4062:
No this isn't a relationship thread.
With that out of they way, onto the topic at hand. This may sound immensly bizarre to you, but try to understand anyway.
As of late me and my best friend (who is a female) have been barely talking, by that I mean all we say to each other is "Hey" when we see each other and "Bye" when one of us is leaving. I know what you must be thinking "How the hell is she your best friend is you don't even TALK?" Well...I have no idea.
We have nothing in-common, and it's really starting to bother me. What the hell do I say to her next time I see her? I know this sounds immensly retarded, and I feel like a twat asking for help on a game forum but I'm hoping I can get some worthwhile replies from some of the internets finest.

You're asking the wrong question.

You should be asking "why would I WANT to talk to someone who I have nothing in common with?".

You don't..?

masher:
You don't..?

You took the words right out of my mouth there.

imahobbit4062:

HellsingerAngel:
*snip*

I don't trust anyone else besides her, and another mate which isn't even in the same circle of friends as her. Trust me, I feel very stupid asking advice like this on a forum. I was hoping for some helpful answers, and I got some.

Well, ask him. Does it really matter if they're in the same circle of friends? The fact that you don't trust the people you're normally with speaks volumes on how you expect things to go. Though kind of ironic it was one of the people you trusted that let you down the most? In any case, you SHOULD be talking to this "another mate" if only because he's your age. Not getting satisfactory answers? Ask your parents and/or other guardian! God forbid they might know what you're going through. My point is that if you can't learn to trust the you surround yourself with to help you out of a jam, very few friendships are ever going to work out. Even if they have no diea what the situation is, they're most likely going to give you like minded advise to those of our fellow Escapists. Plus, since they're trusted, unlike your annonymous panel here, you could tell them the whole story, know that they won't go blabbing it to everyone because you trust them to keep your conversation in confidence, and they might be able to give BETTER advise for it!

If all else fails? Since you're sixteen, you must be in public school, which means you MUST have a guidance couseler. They're a great resource from things such as this, as they're not as annonymous as random people on the internet, are older so they have more life experience with these problems AND they actually studied these sorts of cases and speacialize in giving advise to young teens to help them. Man, it's a like a triple threat of awesome!

the 1 thing you have in common is that you have nothing in common. Talk about your differences and pretend to be interested/be interested. With time you will have memories to share etc.

imahobbit4062:
And after the events that happened last year

Oh story time :)

imahobbit4062:
I don't trust anyone else besides her, and another mate which isn't even in the same circle of friends as her. Trust me, I feel very stupid asking advice like this on a forum. I was hoping for some helpful answers, and I got some.

I don't know the full situation, but it sounds like you're afraid of drifting apart because she's one of your only friends? I'm not going to say just give up on it, but drifting apart from a friend isn't the end of the world. You will make new friends, harsh as that sounds. Friends drift apart all the time, even seemingly inseperable ones (believe me, I would know), it's just a part of life. A sucky part, but it's inevitable in some cases. As someone mentioned, your personality changes a lot at this time, and you might find someone completely unrelatable with whom you got on great with only a few months ago.

Also, do talk to your other friend. He may not know her, but if you trust him, it's his advice you should be asking, more than anyone.

ace_of_something:

imahobbit4062:
No this isn't a relationship thread.
With that out of they way, onto the topic at hand. This may sound immensly bizarre to you, but try to understand anyway.
As of late me and my best friend (who is a female) have been barely talking, by that I mean all we say to each other is "Hey" when we see each other and "Bye" when one of us is leaving. I know what you must be thinking "How the hell is she your best friend is you don't even TALK?" Well...I have no idea.
We have nothing in-common, and it's really starting to bother me. What the hell do I say to her next time I see her? I know this sounds immensly retarded, and I feel like a twat asking for help on a game forum but I'm hoping I can get some worthwhile replies from some of the internets finest.

I mean this in the nicest way possible but, how old are you?

Because when you're younger (Hey I'm only 30 that's still youthful and hunky right?) you will go through many personality changes before you settle on one. It's so gradual that you won't notice until you look back and see all the years as a blur.
The thing is she might be changing in to a different person than when you first met, (or you are) and you simply might not be compatable as friends anymore. Sometimes it's best to just 'drift' apart. Hell, you could change back in to compatable people down the road and drift right back.

Mr. Hobbit,
You've said that you're 16 so I encourage you to strongly consider this. As a man nearing 30 I can attest that this is just how life works. In high school I had a very tight knit group of friends that might have well been family. People change though, and I only see them now in passing a couple times a year. They and I have moved on. I don't resent them for it because they were very important to me during that phase of my life.

This could very well be what is happening.

iron codpiece:

imahobbit4062:

ace_of_something:

imahobbit4062:
No this isn't a relationship thread.
With that out of they way, onto the topic at hand. This may sound immensly bizarre to you, but try to understand anyway.
As of late me and my best friend (who is a female) have been barely talking, by that I mean all we say to each other is "Hey" when we see each other and "Bye" when one of us is leaving. I know what you must be thinking "How the hell is she your best friend is you don't even TALK?" Well...I have no idea.
We have nothing in-common, and it's really starting to bother me. What the hell do I say to her next time I see her? I know this sounds immensly retarded, and I feel like a twat asking for help on a game forum but I'm hoping I can get some worthwhile replies from some of the internets finest.

I mean this in the nicest way possible but, how old are you?

Because when you're younger (Hey I'm only 30 that's still youthful and hunky right?) you will go through many personality changes before you settle on one. It's so gradual that you won't notice until you look back and see all the years as a blur.
The thing is she might be changing in to a different person than when you first met, (or you are) and you simply might not be compatable as friends anymore. Sometimes it's best to just 'drift' apart. Hell, you could change back in to compatable people down the road and drift right back.

My 2nd suggestion... Bring a 3rd person in to the meetings sometimes that helps because the pressure is lessend.

I'm 16, but not a mindless binge drinking, sex crazed fast driving
teen. She's the same age as me. And after the events that happened last year, we both have been through a lot together. It just doesn't seem like we would "drift apart" then again, this may be my inner typical teenage mind thinking here.

He's right though. Sometimes as a teen you just start getting interested in different things and hang out with different people.

I suggest sex. Mostly because I support sex in general so you might not want to listen to me.

Heh, I would never have guessed that from your avatar...

OT: Talk about the problem with her directly, and if she refuses to work to improve the situation, it's time to let your friend go.

Have a good debate over music or something.

 

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