Fun ways to answer the phone

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Got any fun ways to answer the phone for me? These are ones I've already used:

"Hulk's deli. You order, we smash."

"Hi, I'm Michael! What are you?"

"Hi, I'm Spider-man!" (they ask if it's Michael) "Sure, you can call me Michael if you want to, sweetheart."

"Where's my money, you dirty rat?"

"Darling, you have to stop calling me at home, my wife's getting suspicious."

"Moshi moshi!"

My friend often answers the phone to, "Room service!"

He also answers it as some random take out, usually pizza or chinese food.

The greatest single prank using the phone I've ever heard is this, courtesy of comedian Tom Mabe on the Bob and Tom Show:

Long but well worth it.

Try saying "hello." Only do it in Morse code, using armpit farts.

My ones are a lot more surreal.

I have recently started answering the phone by saying "Slowly". It freaks people out.

See also: "I'm dying" "I hate you" "VOMIT!" "Black People" "Shut up". They've all been used at one point.

"Kelburn mortuary, you snuff em, we stuff em."

My Dad gets a laugh out of that every time.

I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU PEOPLE TO NEVER CALL ME!

OH...I'm sorry,I thought you were my grandma.

Cookie for who gets the reference.

dreadedcandiru99:
Try saying "hello." Only do it in Morse code, using armpit farts.

Love it!

Road-kill grill: You kill em we grill em..

Johnnyallstar:
The greatest single prank using the phone I've ever heard is this, courtesy of comedian Tom Mabe on the Bob and Tom Show:

Long but well worth it.

That. was. BRILLIANT.
seriously, that guy deserves an oscar or something XD

City Morgue

who died?

Skobvs:

dreadedcandiru99:
Try saying "hello." Only do it in Morse code, using armpit farts.

Love it!

Road-kill grill: You kill em we grill em..

I loled

"Mellons and cheese speaking."

we have a different ringtone for internal calls in my shop, so if i'm ever upstairs and someone from downstairs rings, I can go with

Hello, Savoy Grill
Salut!
This better be good, I'm in the middle of a boss fight
Ahoy!

and my personal favourite

What do you want?! (said loudly in an overdramatic voice)

"alcoholics anonymous: please state your full name and address."

think about it...there you go

Road kill cafe, you kill'em we grill'em

I used to answer the phones at work like his, even for other staff members, It kept up for nearly a month before the boss told me to stop... then people started asking what happened to the funny greeting.

Does having a phone that plays that Chameleon song count? =P

How about? 10 Downing Street, you request it, we pass a bill on it.

Skobvs:
Road-kill grill: You kill em we grill em..

Serious question this, do you know where this originates from? Because I've said it, you've said it and many others have said it, it can't just be coincidence.

Johnnyallstar:
The greatest single prank using the phone I've ever heard is this, courtesy of comedian Tom Mabe on the Bob and Tom Show:

Long but well worth it.

*slow clap*

Greatest thing I have ever listened to.

"Mike's House of Meat, whats your beef?"
"Mike's Vampire Crematorium. You stake em, we bake em."
"Salaam Alaykum"
"I thought I told you never to call me on this number."
"Is this a secure line?"

Among many others...

Ahoi-oi!
Originally the second option considered for 'hello' when the word was invented (yes that is what the word Hello was made for) and also notice this is how Mr. Burns answers his phone.

Alternately;
"F.B.I central headquarters, what is your ID code?"

i like to do the mr burns thing and say "ahoy hoy"

Edit: damn ninja'd

Jelly jigglers male strippers we strip because we care!

it's also funny if you put it in randomly.

Whilst having sex.

hello you've reached god, how may i help you?

I usually just say "a-hoy-hoy" as Alexander Graham Bell had intended. or one time I used the "we're sorry your call cannot be completed as dialed" voice and I guess I was pretty good at it since the other person swore, hung up, and called right back.

"I'm trying to defuse a bomb, what do you want? Wha- Great, now The south East of England has blown up. I hope you're happy."

"You've reached the borg collective, please leave your name and star system and we will assimilate you when we have the time!"
EDIT: Wait, that's answering machines...
"Suicide hotline!" could be one.
Somehow, I'd like to play this sound when answering a phone:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hMvFo4cd02o

"Hey babe/sexypants/sweettits"

Whoever it is. Always golds.

I have a really funny long one

psychiatric hotline

You can use these from the Psychiatric Hotline:

- If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

- If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.

- If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

- If you are paranoid, we know what you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

- If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

- If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

- If you are a depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

- If you are dyslexic, press 6969696969696969.

- If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.

- If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

- If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.

- If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or during the beep. Please wait for the beep.

- If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

- If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.

- If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down & cry. You won't be crazy forever.

- If you are a blonde, don't press any buttons - you'll just mess it up."

more are..

- Joe's pool hall eightball speaking.
- city morgue, you kill em', we chill em.
- The number you have called is not in service.. Please try again
- 911 - What is your emergency

Heh heh...
When dealing with telemarketers... I have this technique I call "reverse telemarketing", in which I basically do a bit of telemarketing to the telemarketer.
My pitch usually goes something along the lines of "Hi! This is Jesus B. Jesus B. can get you lots of slack and a seat on the Saucer next to the pilot, if you send Jesus B. lots of money right NOW."

Heh....

*phone rings*
Me: *I answer* "Hello is Steven there?"
Person: "wuh, I err.., I called you"
Me: "Yeah, I'd like to know if Steven's there please?"
Person: "No, this is--"
Me: "Oh? Steven's not there? Ok, sorry, it must be a wrong number."
*hangs up*

I do this to tele-marketers!

I like just answering Hi, and not responding for another 20 seconds. Those that stay on the line actually get to talk to me.

Since my ringtone is the codec, 90% of the time i just answer with "Snake"

what do you want is a popular one for me too.....

Or sometimes on the rare occasions when Frank_Sinatra_calls I answer with Hey gorgeous ;)

I've tried to sell something to a telemarketer. That was interesting.

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