Tea & Crumpets!

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For millions of years, people have enjoyed the harmonious combination of tea & crumpets (fact, proven through factual means of fact finding).

But how did we come to be blessed with such a gift?

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Ebony & ivory have got nothing on these two

We begin at the beginning (as was the custom at the time), the Great British Food God in the sky basked in the perfection of his previous creation, the meal of kings, fish & chips. His people were happy, but something began to nag at him.

Yes, it was then he realised that man (and lady, of course) could not live on fish & chips alone. As ridiculous as that idea was, the Food God was right, there was a void between meals, where fish & chips were far too filling to be a viable option, lest they ruin the fish & chips consumed later in the day, and such a thing he would have nothing of.

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Too much for mortals to handle in successive sittings

The Food God then looked afar for ideas. He noticed the French Food God, forcing his subjects to consume vast quantities of wine and bread.
"Nonsense!" the Great British Food God proclaimed, "My people will not partake in such displays of tomfoolery! Bread indeed, pff, tis only fitting for being torn asunder, with fried potato slithers being nestled snuggly in its innards!"

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Trust the French to make giant edible phallic symbols

He then looked towards Germany.
"Bah, bratwurst, an obvious and failed attempt at mimicking the success of my mighty battered sausage!"

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"Ridiculous, the bread to sausage ratio is completely wrong!"

The Great British Food God then decided that an idea would not come from the likes of foreigners, so he pondered.

He pondered for a million years (100% factual fact, proven by fact finders of facts), and by this time, his subjects were getting impatient, with no light snack to fill their bellies before dinner time.

Then the idea hit him, like a lighting bolt made from 100% British lightning.

"Crumpets!" He proclaimed, "I have it! I'll call them crumpets!"

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And a tatse sensation was born

The Great British Food God still had a problem though. With what to wash the delicious crumpets down? He pondered this idea for another million years (true factual fact of factiness), by this time, his subjects were getting rather thirsty.

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The squirrels too

Then, like crash of thunder, thunder made from 100% British cloud collision, the Great British Food God bestowed upon his subjects the gift of tea.

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And it was good

And peace was restored. The Great British people were never again left slightly peckish, hours before the suitable consumption time of fish & chips.

Please rise for the tea anthem, with which we are constantly reminded of the importance of tea (The Great British Food God had no time to make a crumpet related song).

Eh. I've never been a big fan of tea and crumpets.

You are probably my favorite poster of this site. Not only do you not tolerate ignorance and flat out stupidity, you always tend to have a humorous side. This thread is a perfect homage to your mind.

I've always wanted to try a crumpet. Now that I see they look delicous, I will kill for one.

I'm not even completely sure what a "crumpet" is.

Radeonx:
Eh. I've never been a big fan of tea and crumpets.

image

We don't need the likes of you around here, with your 'opinion' and lack of unquestionable agreement.

Mmmmm...Tea and crumpets...
...
I have nothing else to say. XD

I like crumpets with jam, those are delish. Though when it comes to heated beverages, I prefer coffee over tea, which I know is highly un-British of me. Still, a lot of the time if I'm having crumpets, I'll have tea as well, just so I can say I'm having tea and crumpets.

I'm British, and really don't like crumpets.
When drinking tea, I seem to subsitute crumpets with pancakes...

PeePantz:
You are probably my favorite poster of this site. Not only do you not tolerate ignorance and flat out stupidity, you always tend to have a humorous side. This thread is a perfect homage to your mind.

Thank you.

I make it my mission to make everyone I meet, laugh at least once.

I had tea and crumpets the other day and it reminded me how heavenly they are. That's tommorrow's breakfast sorted ou then...

Generic_Username:
I'm not even completely sure what a "crumpet" is.

Crumpets are generally circular roughly 7 cm in diameter and roughly 2 cm thick. Their shape comes from being restrained in the pan/griddle by a shallow ring. They have a characteristic flat top with many small pores and a chewy and spongy texture.

Wikipedia tells us many things.

Okay, what's with all the British threads recently? Have I missed anything?

OT: I fucking love crumpets. The more the better. An potato cakes! Lathered in half a tub of butter.

Though I'm more of a coffee person.

EDIT:

Daystar Clarion:

PeePantz:
You are probably my favorite poster of this site. Not only do you not tolerate ignorance and flat out stupidity, you always tend to have a humorous side. This thread is a perfect homage to your mind.

Thank you.

I make it my mission to make everyone I meet, laugh at least once.

Your posts usually make me laugh, so, mission accomplished :D

Well, English tea makes me feel sick, and crumpets taste horrible.

I'm english and proud, so try to figure this one out please. No really, please help me, something is not right.

Daystar Clarion:

Radeonx:
Eh. I've never been a big fan of tea and crumpets.

We don't need the likes of you around here, with your 'opinion' and lack of unquestionable agreement.

If it's any consolation, I like tea and crumpets separate from each other, just not together.

Generic_Username:
I'm not even completely sure what a "crumpet" is.

It's a bread thing that you stick in the toaster and cover in butter. The butter all melts in the holes and mmmmmm. See picture in OP for more details.

They don't fit in my toaster. But I do enjoy them, with a nice cup of tea. I haven't had a cup of tea in days; I bought 8 pints of milk last week and the house mate downed it all in about 2 days so I'm flat outright refusing to buy more. He can get off his stubborn arse and buy it himself _
I tend to drink coffee at work though.

R4ptur3:
Well, English tea makes me feel sick, and crumpets taste horrible.

I'm english and proud, so try to figure this one out please. No really, please help me, something is not right.

The only logical conclusion is that you're French.

I'm sorry to break this news to you. You have my deepest heartfelt sympathies.

I'm truly enjoying your threads today, celebrating your unquestionable Britishness and your fine foods and beverages.

What's next I wonder? Please, oh please kind sir, may your next installment be on the glories of Yorkshire Pudding? My dear Mum (note the Britishy spelling though I'm not of your esteemed heritage, it's just my way of doing you honour (catch that one as well (even though stupid spell check thinks it's misspelled)?)), gone lo these many years, used to grace our holiday tables with a glorious Yorkshire Pudding. *wipes a salty tear from her non-British eye* Damn tasty too!

OT: We don't have crumpets here in the Colonies but instead have a fine breakfast bread we refer to as "English Muffins" that look just like your crumpets. Also quite damn tasty.

Edit: Realistic picture of our English Muffins (I swear that's my dad):
image

Generic_Username:
I'm not even completely sure what a "crumpet" is.

I believe on this side of the pond, they are referred to as English muffins, made famous by the likes of one Thomas.

BlackJak007:
I'm British, and really don't like crumpets.
When drinking tea, I seem to subsitute crumpets with pancakes...

Hmm, this is difficult diagnosis.

You must have some sort of Canadian ancestry, that is the only thing that could explain such ridiculous behaviour.

3AM:
I'm truly enjoying your threads today, celebrating your unquestionable Britishness and your fine foods and beverages.

What's next I wonder? Please, oh please kind sir, may your next installment be on the glories of Yorkshire Pudding? My dear Mum (note the Britishy spelling though I'm not of your esteemed heritage, it's just my way of doing you honour (catch that one as well (even though stupid spell check thinks it's misspelled)?)), gone lo these many years, used to grace our holiday tables with a glorious Yorkshire Pudding. *wipes a salty tear from her non-British eye* Damn tasty too!

OT: We don't have crumpets here in the Colonies but instead have a fine breakfast bread we refer to as "English Muffins" that look just like your crumpets. Also quite damn tasty.

Who knows, you may yet have your wish granted loyal colonial.

PeePantz:

Generic_Username:
I'm not even completely sure what a "crumpet" is.

I believe on this side of the pond, they are referred to as English muffins, made famous by the likes of one Thomas.

image

This is an English muffin, at first glance it looks similiar to the mighty crumpet, but it is more... bready...

Daystar Clarion:
snip

(cont.)
Name: Clarion D.
Hobbies: Proving 'Englishness is next to godliness'.

You, sir, are a paragon of English heroism and honour on the Escapist! I bow to your infinite magnitude!

...

HOWEVER! What the hell happened to scones?!

Catchy Slogan:
Okay, what's with all the British threads recently? Have I missed anything?

The good Daystar, Duke of Clarion is initiating the grand scheme of UK escapists to take over the world by flooding teh interwebs with Englishness!

OT: I fucking love crumpets. The more the better.

*smacks lips* as do I!

An potato cakes! Lathered in half a tub of butter.

Those I'm not too keen on, tho... always seemed of weird texture. I'll stick to my crumpets and scones, thankee.

Though I'm more of a coffee person.

Honestly, so am I. Has to be out of a cafetiere or percolator... yes, how pretentious am I?!

SckizoBoy:
snip

Scones lost the Great Food War of '88 to the mighty crumpets.

True Story.

SckizoBoy:

Though I'm more of a coffee person.

Honestly, so am I. Has to be out of a cafetiere or percolator... yes, how pretentious am I?!

We lesser folk have to deal with granulated and/ or instant coffee. I bet you don't even put the milk in first.

;P

Though this could be entirely because I find the taste of cafetiere coffee way too different than the stuff I grew up with to really get into it properly.

Catchy Slogan:

SckizoBoy:

Though I'm more of a coffee person.

Honestly, so am I. Has to be out of a cafetiere or percolator... yes, how pretentious am I?!

We lesser folk have to deal with granulated and/ or instant coffee. I bet you don't even put the milk in first.

;P

Though this could be entirely because I find the taste of cafetiere coffee way too different than the stuff I grew up with to really get into it properly.

All this talk of coffee is starting to sound like blasphemy to me.

That's not very good now, is it?

Daystar Clarion:

Catchy Slogan:

SckizoBoy:

Honestly, so am I. Has to be out of a cafetiere or percolator... yes, how pretentious am I?!

We lesser folk have to deal with granulated and/ or instant coffee. I bet you don't even put the milk in first.

;P

Though this could be entirely because I find the taste of cafetiere coffee way too different than the stuff I grew up with to really get into it properly.

All this talk of coffee is starting to sound like blasphemy to me.

That's not very good now, is it?

No Glorious Leader. Of course not, Glorious Leader.

I have no idea what crumpets are, but if they go well with tea, I want one :D

Daystar Clarion:
Scones lost the Great Food War of '88 to the mighty crumpets.

True Story.

Well.. scones are of Scottish origin... (I leave that thought as it is!) =P

Catchy Slogan:
We lesser folk have to deal with granulated and/ or instant coffee. I bet you don't even put the milk in first.

;P

Though this could be entirely because I find the taste of cafetiere coffee way too different than the stuff I grew up with to really get into it properly.

I just find it much smoother, and I'm used to it now. *shrug* Though it is a pain in the wallet, that's for sure...

Daystar Clarion:
All this talk of coffee is starting to sound like blasphemy to me.

That's not very good now, is it?

... Oh shit! *grabs Catchy* *falls to hands and knees*

WE REPENT!!

Convinced me to have a brew and some crumpets at any rate, thank you

Catchy Slogan:

Daystar Clarion:

Catchy Slogan:

We lesser folk have to deal with granulated and/ or instant coffee. I bet you don't even put the milk in first.

;P

Though this could be entirely because I find the taste of cafetiere coffee way too different than the stuff I grew up with to really get into it properly.

All this talk of coffee is starting to sound like blasphemy to me.

That's not very good now, is it?

No Glorious Leader. Of course not, Glorious Leader.

Yes, well.

Don't let it happen again. It's hard to come by good minions these days.

Daystar Clarion:

The only logical conclusion is that you're French.

I'm sorry to break this news to you. You have my deepest heartfelt sympathies.

Sir, that's a very harsh insult! Such things should never be said to an Englishman, no matter what they have done or how low they have sunk, they just don't deserve that! Dissapointing.

If it's any consolation, every now and then I drink tea even though I know it will make me feel sick, and do I finish it even while i'm gagging? You bet I bloody do!

Man I'm really craving a crumpet now, all warm, buttery and soaked with honey...

EDIT: You should explain to the more barbaric countries just how delicious kippers are.

Didn't like crumpets 'til I realised you could cook 'em in a toaster and put Marmite on 'em. The Marmite and melted butter melt through the entire thing, and you end up with a kind of dip congealing on your plate.

While more often a coffee drinker for Breakfast, I do agree tea is necessary to wash down a crumpet soaked in marmitey butter.

PS This isn't going to be, like, a thing is it? I hate it when people do a standardised series of posts.

PPS You checked the TvTropes pages on British stuff? Some of them feel a little academic, they could use your support.

PPPS Also, I don't think you quite have the authority to claim absolute knowledge of Britishy things; I mean, you failed to bring up the subject of Curry Sauce in your post on Fish 'n' Chips

PPPPPS (The extra P is for "Pointless") The gaps between Fish And And And And And Chips vary in size.

R4ptur3:

Daystar Clarion:

The only logical conclusion is that you're French.

I'm sorry to break this news to you. You have my deepest heartfelt sympathies.

Sir, that's a very harsh insult! Such things should never be said to an Englishman, no matter what they have done or how low they have sunk, they just don't deserve that! Dissapointing.

If it's any consolation, every now and then I drink tea even though I know it will make me feel sick, and do I finish it even while i'm gagging? You bet I bloody do!

It's that determination that made this nation great.

Carry on, you brilliant bastard.

Well thats decided my breakfast for tomorrow, I'll have to run to the shop first to buy the crumpets but they will be more then worth it oh yes.

Great topic.

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