Could you stay in a long term relationship with someone who hates your passions?
Yes.
33.3% (88)
33.3% (88)
No.
65.5% (173)
65.5% (173)
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Poll: Could you stay with someone who hates what you're passionate for?

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So, the guy I'm with (for about 2 years) is pretty much my idea for the perfect guy. We share the same dark humor and enjoy playing lots of video games together. We match pretty well not on just small stuff but on deeper levels, too. But, one thing has always bothered me...I can't talk to him about what I'm passionate about. Two things I LOVE talking about is Existentialism and Space related science. I'm always watching the History or Science channel and buying new books on the subjects. If I bring any of that stuff up around him or ask him any "what if" questions he just gets annoyed. If we start talking about it, it ends up into more of an argument with him saying all that stuff is stupid and irrelevant, because it's not helping society in any way and just tells me I'm wrong and dismisses me. I'm not upset that he doesn't like it, I'm upset because I feel disrespected. When he tells me stories from work or something he read online, even if I don't care what it's about, I still listen to him and don't just go "that's dumb" and walk off.

So if you really loved sports, art, working out, etc., and your partner hated it and didn't want to hear or talk about it could you stay in that relationship long term?

(I didn't add a "maybe" because I wanted this to be a strictly yes or no answer. I didn't want anyone going "depends on what it is" cuase I'm saying, imagine something MAJOR in your life you couldn't share or talk about with your partner)

Do they want nothing to do with it or will they actively attempt to stop you from pursuing it?

If it's live and let live, go with it. If they want to stop you from your passion, you won't be happy and you'll resent them for it, which will poison the relationship and kill it anyway.

My girlfriend loves horses. I do not like horses. I have tried to educate myself on them and develop enthusiasm for them, but . . . no, it just doesn't work. Yet we still seem to be doing fine.

Although, that said, I do listen and understand her passion, and will do my best to reply with what little knowledge I have when she gets all carried away, and I think she recognizes the effort, which does make a huge difference.

Personally, I think I could function in a relationship where my partner didn't share my passions, although she'd certainly have to make up that ground in other areas. If I really needed to talk to people about stuff I cared about, like games, I'd either save it for friends or find somewhere online where I could satisfy that need (like this very forum, in fact).

It looks to me like the issue isn't so much the fact that your boyfriend doesn't share your passions, but the way in which he expresses it. He shouldn't necessarily start to love your interests, but at least show a small amount of interest, or make an effort to understand. I think this is more of a communication issue between the two of you. Also, especially with the subjects that you brought up, it's possible that you might be making him feel a little dumb when discussing this stuff, since not many people are experts on existentialism and/or extraterrestrial science, and it can be hard stuff to get your head around. Of course, I'm no relationship expert, that's just my first impression on the matter.

Riki Darnell:
So, the guy I'm with (for about 2 years) is pretty much my idea for the perfect guy.

That's nice.

Riki Darnell:
I can't talk to him about what I'm passionate about. Two things I LOVE talking about is Existentialism and Space related science. I'm always watching the History or Science channel and buying new books on the subjects. If I bring any of that stuff up around him or ask him any "what if" questions he just gets annoyed. If we start talking about it, it ends up into more of an argument with him saying all that stuff is stupid and irrelevant, because it's not helping society in any way and just tells me I'm wrong and dismisses me. I'm not upset that he doesn't like it, I'm upset because I feel disrespected.

Sorry to knit pick but does this also fit your idea for the perfect guy?

People show their true selves when doing the things they love. Their deepest emotions come out, the most beautiful aspects of their beings.
To disrespect that part of a person is equal to taking a piss on their soul. "Yeah, I love you but keep your stupid bull shit to yourself". That's not love.
This quote comes to mind:
"Love isn't about looking at each other, it's about looking in the same direction".

Don't take it personal but in the long run, I don't think it will last.

Feel free to disagree, of course.

tippy2k2:
Do they want nothing to do with it or will they actively attempt to stop you from pursuing it?

If it's live and let live, go with it. If they want to stop you from your passion, you won't be happy and you'll resent them for it, which will poison the relationship and kill it anyway.

agreed

like in those movies where the guy jsut wants to do crazy fun things and the women wants him to do things like "raise a familiy" and take away all of his cool stuff and replace it with stupid stuff...

....I look at that and I'm like "I" am the guy, why is this bitch taking away his videogames? women like fun things too dammit!!

uhh...anyway off topic but

WHY is ME3 ending discussion spilling over into off-topic? dammit escapist, I had managed to remain blissfully ignorant thus far and you had to go ruin it for me...*grumble*

Vault101:

tippy2k2:
Do they want nothing to do with it or will they actively attempt to stop you from pursuing it?

If it's live and let live, go with it. If they want to stop you from your passion, you won't be happy and you'll resent them for it, which will poison the relationship and kill it anyway.

WHY is ME3 ending discussion spilling over into off-topic? dammit escapist, I had managed to remain blissfully ignorant thus far and you had to go ruin it for me...*grumble*

Sweet zombie Jesus, are you serious!?!?

This has been the only place I could go without fearing some ass-hat is going to ruin ME3 with his poorly worded thread title and now I can't?!?!

...shit, I just de-railed the thread a bit, give me a second to re-align...

OH! Another piece of advice here. This is going to sound mean but...well....I don't know what I could say to make it sound less mean so I'm just going to say it and hope you don't hold it against me:

Riki Darnell:
Two things I LOVE talking about is Existentialism and Space related science.

That sounds REALLY boring...told you it was going to sound mean.

I mean, one is a philosophy and the other will fly right above a person's head if they don't also study it. I'm thinking it's going to be difficult for you to find ANYONE that will find both of those things interesting, has other similar interests (I assume these two aren't the only things you enjoy) and is someone that you would consider dating.

I stand by my previous statement: If he does not actively discourage you from pursuing your hobbies, stick with it and see what happens.

Eh, it's one thing if someone dislikes what I'm passionate for, it's another thing if they're being a jerk about it. If it's just not a shared interest I can live with that. If they're going to disrespect me then I'm inclined to say it won't last. It would feel like they don't really care about me if they're not willing to make the effort to at least try to be nice about it. It's what I would do for them.

In relevance to Riki Darnell's relationship, I could probably be in a long term relationship with someone who would hate something that I am passionate about. I enjoy running and math (doing it, not really discussing it) and if someone I'm with hates it, I'll just enjoy it when they are not around.

It's a simple solution.

If they have the common curteousy to leave me to it and not be a total beleaguering asshat about it then it shouldn't matter. I mean we're both theoretically adults so we should be able to have differing tastes without devolving into personal attacks. The key word being should I've been on the Interwebz long enough to know how petty some people can be over this shit.

tippy2k2:
[snip.

I havnt had any REAL spoilers

but the fact is now I know everyones raging over one "thing" then its enough to distract me and ruin my enjoyment of the game

That would not bother me that much. Have to say as long as she doesn't bother me about it, who cares. Everytime my friends girlfriends pull this shit though, it pisses me off. I am not even dating you, fuck off.

Riki Darnell:
-snip-

You've been with this guy for two years. This hasn't come up before? Or has it but it's starting to really bother you now more than it did? Okay I doublechecked your post and it has happened before.

Honestly, the fact that he still reacts so negatively after two years is a bad sign. This is an issue that can be solved relatively easily but hasn't been and doesn't seem like it's going to be because he's not putting the effort in.

You really need to talk to him about it because I don't think the situation is a good one to continue as you are. These are things you care about and the guy you're seeing is saying they are pointless.

Riki Darnell:
So, the guy I'm with (for about 2 years) is pretty much my idea for the perfect guy. We share the same dark humor and enjoy playing lots of video games together. We match pretty well not on just small stuff but on deeper levels, too. But, one thing has always bothered me...I can't talk to him about what I'm passionate about. Two things I LOVE talking about is Existentialism and Space related science. I'm always watching the History or Science channel and buying new books on the subjects.

...Marry me? XD

Finding anyone to talk about philosophy in general is hard enough. To talk about existentialism specifically? Damn near impossible. AND space science, AND video games? There's only one girl I know who likes even half that (the former), and she's already taken.

*sigh*

But yes, if he actively dismisses what you love, then it probably won't work out well. Especially if it's been going on for two years. I'm very sorry. :(

In short, no. I'm not and do not need to settle for being with someone that openly hates something I love. If they did, they clearly are not for me and we shouldn't be together. I'm quite positive I could find someone that is on a better footing with what I enjoy in life - life's too short for settling.

My only thing is, why the fuck doesn't he like space-related science? To say that that doesn't "contribute" to humanity is asinine at best.

Space is the only thing that can ensure humanity's long-term survival, and is extremely fucking interesting.

I couldn't have a long-term relationship with someone that wasn't at least open to talking about mature topics.

edit

I don't think that I could. Once the "love" or infatuation wears off, in the long term I would prefer to be with someone who shares and respects my interests rather than someone who totally dislikes and possibly disrespects what I love. That might not be the degree of which you speak of, but I don't want to be with a polar opposite in a long term relationship. If my girlfriend (I wish) not only disliked drawing and animation, but actively shunned it and tried to discourage me from doing it, I think that's all we would be, boyfriend and girlfriend.

No.

I tried.

It made me miserable that I couldn't talk about what truly interests me without it turning into a fight every. single. time. It's just more than I'm willing to put up with no matter how good the relationship may be otherwise.

Averant:

...Marry me? XD

Finding anyone to talk about philosophy in general is hard enough. To talk about existentialism specifically? Damn near impossible. AND space science, AND video games? There's only one girl I know who likes even half that (the former), and she's already taken.

*sigh*

But yes, if he actively dismisses what you love, then it probably won't work out well. Especially if it's been going on for two years. I'm very sorry. :(

I'm flattered lol :D Yeah, I go to forums and such but it's not really the same as sitting down, having a few drinks and talking about that stuff in person. It just seems like a waste tho, being with someone for 2 years and saying "nah I don't think it will work".

Riki Darnell:

Averant:

...Marry me? XD

Finding anyone to talk about philosophy in general is hard enough. To talk about existentialism specifically? Damn near impossible. AND space science, AND video games? There's only one girl I know who likes even half that (the former), and she's already taken.

*sigh*

But yes, if he actively dismisses what you love, then it probably won't work out well. Especially if it's been going on for two years. I'm very sorry. :(

I'm flattered lol :D Yeah, I go to forums and such but it's not really the same as sitting down, having a few drinks and talking about that stuff in person. It just seems like a waste tho, being with someone for 2 years and saying "nah I don't think it will work".

Not so. You spent wonderful time with a wonderful person, and that will be a valuable part of your life to remember. The problem is that he's just not interested in what you do. Actually, the fact that he's so dismissive of it makes me curious about how long you two have stayed together. It can't have come up many times if it's been two years. Otherwise, you've got saintly patience. :P

Like I said, you spent wonderful time with a wonderful person. Tell him so, and then explain why it can't work out. Two years is about the proper extent of a good, but mismatched relationship (but don't take my word for it. No, seriously. Don't. Get multiple opinions, preferably friends.) before it turns sour. My advice would be to break it off with good memories, then go find someone who shares your interests, or is at least receptive of them.

I couldn't stay with anyone at all. Let alone some mythical beast who hates music. Ergo no.

You don't have to be into the same stuff all the time. It's important to have your own pursuits, independent of each other.

He should stop disrespecting you like he does saying it's stupid and you're wrong, but you should stop bringing it up if that's how it always ends. He's just not into it; find someone else who is.

Like me, actually, I fucking love talking about that kinda stuff.

It's gonna come up in conversation. It's gonna come up whenever you say "not tonight, honey"--in that the response is "what, too much [thing I hate]?" It's gonna come up when you travel, when you stay late at the office, and so on. All the paraphernalia will be dismissed as "that $%%&". Any friends who share this will be "those losers / perverts", and heaven HELP you if one of them is pretty.
And every time it does, she will be ready to have a plate-tossing, knock-down, drag-out fight over it. Every time you have this fight, she will bring up the times you did it anyway, and it hurt her. Every time, the relationship will go through a cooling off that might last hours.
Save time, break the deal now.

Sure, I guess. If she hates my music so much, I can just listen to it on headphones and she won't have to hear it. If she tells me I have to stop listening to it however.. once I have defeated the urge to give her a nice, swift backhand.. I would tell her to fuck off and stick her relationship up her arse. I can tolerate people not liking what I like, but when they try and dictate shit to me, just no.

No couple is perfect. My boyfriend and I aren't clones when it comes to interests (ask him about me going off on a political rant) but we make it work anyway.

As long as the person doesn't try and stop you from doing what you want, and they make an attempt at meeting you half way, then you should be fine.

Can you give me a precise example of one of your arguments? I presume you cannot remember much, but I would desperately like to know.

And by the way, I care about Existentialism and Space related science...

I doubt I could live with that. I am passionate about evolution, biology and genetics. I don't think I could bear living with someone who hated those things. Someone who didn't share my interest would be OK, but not someone who hated it. I can settle on a lot of things, but not on those important passions.

My passions are history, philosophy and art. If a person does not understand the immense value of these subjects to society then I have no use for them. Much less if they outright hate these things. I would have nothing to do with the person.

No. Though I doubt there is anyone out their who actually hates music... unless they were born deaf and they resented that other people could hear its beauty. I'm probably looking into that way to much though.

Sounds to me like you need to talk to him about how this makes you feel.

In answer to your question though, yeah I would; provided of course that she respected that I was into whatever it was and didn't make a big issue about it.

I would not be abel to have a relationship with someone that hates my passions.
It would be fine with a small disslike but hating my passions...Oh,hell no!
How can you even hate food and art ??

Riki Darnell:

Two things I LOVE talking about is Existentialism and Space related science.

Maybe not so much about the Existentialism, but with the space science, I'm with you. I don't think I could stay with someone who actively dislikes my passions, like someone who thinks space xploration is a wate of money. I applaud you for staying with him this long.

http://www.projectrho.com/rocket/

Check out the link. It will bring you hours worth of enjoyment.

Riki Darnell:
It just seems like a waste tho, being with someone for 2 years and saying "nah I don't think it will work".

You must still be pretty young, Riki. In time, two years won't seem like that much.

That's what the whole dating thing is for, though - finding out whether you mesh. The fact that you're asking this question already tells me this thing is important to you, and you're looking for some support or advice on this. Clearly what he does bothers you.

So you really do have to ask yourself a more simple question: would you rather have your passion, or him? If you could give up your passion for him, he might be worth it. If you can't, two years is not too long to realise it's not right.

Depends on whether or not they want me to stop. If they just don't like it, that's fine. I don't like a few things but that shouldn't stop a relationship. If they actively want to steer me away from it, I'm afraid that's too far.

tippy2k2:
Do they want nothing to do with it or will they actively attempt to stop you from pursuing it?

If it's live and let live, go with it. If they want to stop you from your passion, you won't be happy and you'll resent them for it, which will poison the relationship and kill it anyway.

Basically this. There are a number of things I'm passionate about that my boyfriend hates, and vice versa. But we're both fine with it and neither is out to ruin the other's fun.

To the thread starter, sounds like your boyfriend could do with growing up a bit and realising that relationships need work.

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