Could you stay in a long term relationship with someone who hates your passions?
Yes.
33.3% (88)
33.3% (88)
No.
65.5% (173)
65.5% (173)
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Poll: Could you stay with someone who hates what you're passionate for?

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Riki Darnell:
So, the guy I'm with (for about 2 years) is pretty much my idea for the perfect guy. We share the same dark humor and enjoy playing lots of video games together. We match pretty well not on just small stuff but on deeper levels, too. But, one thing has always bothered me...I can't talk to him about what I'm passionate about. Two things I LOVE talking about is Existentialism and Space related science. I'm always watching the History or Science channel and buying new books on the subjects. If I bring any of that stuff up around him or ask him any "what if" questions he just gets annoyed. If we start talking about it, it ends up into more of an argument with him saying all that stuff is stupid and irrelevant, because it's not helping society in any way and just tells me I'm wrong and dismisses me. I'm not upset that he doesn't like it, I'm upset because I feel disrespected. When he tells me stories from work or something he read online, even if I don't care what it's about, I still listen to him and don't just go "that's dumb" and walk off.

So if you really loved sports, art, working out, etc., and your partner hated it and didn't want to hear or talk about it could you stay in that relationship long term?

(I didn't add a "maybe" because I wanted this to be a strictly yes or no answer. I didn't want anyone going "depends on what it is" cuase I'm saying, imagine something MAJOR in your life you couldn't share or talk about with your partner)

My fiancee dislikes physics and F1, I'm a physicist and the only sport I watch is F1. But it is not a problem in the slightest because if I talk to her about those things she will have a fairly well educated discussion with me, she went and learnt as mush as she could about something that didn't interest her so we could talk about the things I like, and I did the same for her passions that I have no interest in.

My ex disliked physics and F1 and had a massive strop whenever either topic came up, I had again learnt a bit about her passions. This is why she's an ex. We moved in together and it became quickly unworkable, it all ended in some blazing row.

Have you tried talking to your boyfriend about it? He probably doesn't realize just how important these topics are to you. Tell him doesn't need to like it but you at least want him to listen from time to time.

I see it this way. My girlfriend is important to me and anything she finds important is important to me too. That said, I like to be open to the things she likes; I sometimes have the pleasure of learning something new.

Personally no. What I am passionate about I tend to argue very strongly about, and I have lost friends over issues like politics and religion.

However, I know some people who are with and have been with people of wildly differing opinions for years, and are very happy. Mostly it seems to be that those who stay together very carefully avoid subjects that they know they disagree about. This might be my problem, I can't not argue about politics and religion, whereas other people can.

MelasZepheos:
Personally no. What I am passionate about I tend to argue very strongly about, and I have lost friends over issues like politics and religion.

However, I know some people who are with and have been with people of wildly differing opinions for years, and are very happy. Mostly it seems to be that those who stay together very carefully avoid subjects that they know they disagree about. This might be my problem, I can't not argue about politics and religion, whereas other people can.

Though being yourself should mean not having to actively avoid topics you're passionate about so not to start an argument. I've tried that, it works in the short term well but you soon resent the other that you can't just talk about whatever you're thinking.

A lot of people seem to be saying well don't talk to your partner about it, go talk to a friend or someone about it. Is that really what anyone wants though? You can't be yourself with your partner so you have to find people to be yourself with? If that's the case go find someone else to be your self with and DATE THEM.

You will never find someone you share every interest with. And listening to someone talk about their day is not the same as engaging in a type of theoretical discussion that they honestly don't see value in.

If he doesn't share that interest, share the interest with others.

If you really can't deal with that, fine, leave. But you may well find yourself disappointed with the next guy too.

tippy2k2:
This is going to sound mean but...well....I don't know what I could say to make it sound less mean so I'm just going to say it and hope you don't hold it against me:

Riki Darnell:
Two things I LOVE talking about is Existentialism and Space related science.

That sounds REALLY boring...told you it was going to sound mean.

I mean, one is a philosophy and the other will fly right above a person's head if they don't also study it. I'm thinking it's going to be difficult for you to find ANYONE that will find both of those things interesting, has other similar interests (I assume these two aren't the only things you enjoy) and is someone that you would consider dating.

I stand by my previous statement: If he does not actively discourage you from pursuing your hobbies, stick with it and see what happens.

tippyyyyy, y u so meeeaaan??
no, actually i completely agree on the last part: as long as it's tolerated as in not discouraged, leave it be, one doesn't have to love ALL the same things; a differnce here and there can surely help to keep things interesting, and also gives an opportunity of doing something for yourself instead of the-two-of-you

so, could i stay with someone who hates what i'm passionate for - eeyup

i love satire, intelligent comedy, metal and (especially smooth/cool/lounge) jazz, for example
ex-gf (lastet 6 years, that's ok i guess) did not do so as much (the reason for breaking up also was quite unrelated)

besides that... i love astrophysics, space related science and the engineering behind it, too! and existentialism (next to several other disciplines) - marry me <3
;)

No, I couldn't really give a shit what they looked like, but it helps I guess.

If they don't have a sense of humour, or vaguely like the same things I like, I can't be bothered with them.

Hey, if I talk about Shakespeare or other literature, writing, or even some video games, my girlfriend (of almost a two year relationship) doesn't exactly get annoyed, but she kind of gives a really short response that sounds like she doesn't care at all. I know that it's not the same, and I know she does it because it's not interesting to her or she doesn't know what to say. I think that you should talk to him about this. Get him to understand what you feel. He shouldn't be putting you down so much on that.

Now, if my girlfriend was like your boyfriend, I wouldn't be happy. It would probably ruin the relationship to the point where I want out, but it might also probably just mean that I don't talk to her about these things and keep them to myself and speak to them to other friends. Now, if she told me that I couldn't have these passions, then I wouldn't leave the relationship because I wouldn't be happy at all about it.

Well, for a while, certainly. Even if it is a long term relationship, but you're not living together and you have friends who share your passions and you hang around with other people. But if it ends up being serious, it might become a problem. It could end up being the cause of many arguments. One day, you'll want to read a book about space, and he'll want to hang around, and you'll refuse and he'll be bitter about this passion of yours that "steals" you from him and so on. If he was interested in educating himself about it a little and trying to have a conversation about it, maybe even let you educate him, that would be different. But you stated that he outright says that those passions of yours are stupid and irrelevant. That's a bit more than just not being interested. I was not interested in many things at one point, but if someone mentioned it and wanted to discuss, I would go and research it. Who knows, maybe it interests me after all, but I just never knew. There aren't many things that I would call "stupid and irrelevant", especially if a best friend or a boyfriend considers them passions for a lifetime.

For example, my best friend from college and I are interested in two different things. We study the same thing, but she's interested in medieval period, I'm interested in antiquity. We often tease each other about it, but ultimately, even though I don't like medieval times at all, I help her search for books about it, I listen when she's explaining something to me and I do some research from time to time; she does the same for me. That's why it works.

Truth be told, no one can be certain if this would work. It's up to you to see that, along with your partner. But to me, it classifies as the lack of respect for something that I hold dear and that would bother me. Right now, it's just two topics that can easily be avoided, but who knows what else will he find "stupid and irrelevant". And that hurts, especially when described with those words. Personally, I wouldn't be able to live with someone like that.

My passion is Taylor Swift, and my girlfriend hates her, but we've been together for 5 years.

for me my passion is music and its something tht i can do which she has no part of, its my space and my time alone. its not that i dont want her to join in its just i feel like the space is good for our relationship.

My last girlfriend was fucking extreme about this sort of thing. She didn't like video games, so I thought "Compromise, I won't talk about games when I'm hanging around her". However because the world revolved around her, her idea of compromise was that I don't own any games, consoles, or pretty much anything related to gaming. Fuck that.

These arguments happened over everything, films, music, going out, having friends, musicals (legend quote from female friend: "She found a guy who will not only go to musicals, but actually enjoy them, and complained about it? She really is mental!"), university work. Suffice to say, that relationship broke down very quickly.

Riki Darnell:
So, the guy I'm with (for about 2 years) is pretty much my idea for the perfect guy. We share the same dark humor and enjoy playing lots of video games together. We match pretty well not on just small stuff but on deeper levels, too. But, one thing has always bothered me...I can't talk to him about what I'm passionate about. Two things I LOVE talking about is Existentialism and Space related science. I'm always watching the History or Science channel and buying new books on the subjects. If I bring any of that stuff up around him or ask him any "what if" questions he just gets annoyed. If we start talking about it, it ends up into more of an argument with him saying all that stuff is stupid and irrelevant, because it's not helping society in any way and just tells me I'm wrong and dismisses me. I'm not upset that he doesn't like it, I'm upset because I feel disrespected. When he tells me stories from work or something he read online, even if I don't care what it's about, I still listen to him and don't just go "that's dumb" and walk off.

So if you really loved sports, art, working out, etc., and your partner hated it and didn't want to hear or talk about it could you stay in that relationship long term?

(I didn't add a "maybe" because I wanted this to be a strictly yes or no answer. I didn't want anyone going "depends on what it is" cause I'm saying, imagine something MAJOR in your life you couldn't share or talk about with your partner)

Its a killer in a relationship with me. I've been with a girl who I've tried to discuss those exact things (Space Science in my favorite subject) they just get really pissed off because its dull and boring or they just don't care. (One told me its a waste of money to research such things)

You can't live with a person for the rest of your life with that kind of attitude. Run, run now before they kill your passion.

He should at least make and attempt to be interested. Then again, if you go on about it constantly then I'd probably start getting annoyed too.
Look at all the couples who disagree about football. They seem to work out fine, as long as you both make compromises.
If I had a boyfriend who didn't like cats or animals that'd be fine. But if he kicked every cat he saw then he'd be soon out the door.I suppose it depends on how they reacted to whatever I'm passionate about.

LookAtYouHacker:
Can you give me a precise example of one of your arguments? I presume you cannot remember much, but I would desperately like to know.

And by the way, I care about Existentialism and Space related science...

Sorry was away for a few days lol
Well it's normally like I'll come over and we'll have small talk and he'll ask me what I've been up to. I'll say a few things and then go "and I watched Through the Wormhole, and I found out scientist believe (insert fact here)" and he'll say that is stupid and knowing about space won't help the economy or any real problems. I'll usually drop what I'm talking about and go back to watching TV at that point.

Riki Darnell:

LookAtYouHacker:
Can you give me a precise example of one of your arguments? I presume you cannot remember much, but I would desperately like to know.

And by the way, I care about Existentialism and Space related science...

Sorry was away for a few days lol
Well it's normally like I'll come over and we'll have small talk and he'll ask me what I've been up to. I'll say a few things and then go "and I watched Through the Wormhole, and I found out scientist believe (insert fact here)" and he'll say that is stupid and knowing about space won't help the economy or any real problems. I'll usually drop what I'm talking about and go back to watching TV at that point.

And I'm willing to bet that this makes you feel invalidated and changes you from being rather engaged in something to completely apathetic about everything for a while. The fact that you (I do the same) get passionate about something and want to share that with someone who is important to you suggests that someone who dismisses what your passionate about is not for you.

You can have different interests and passions and make it work, but when he consistently dismisses your passions in such a way I don't see how it can work. Either you're going to begin to fall away from your passions because of it (call it a sort of conditioning, bringing up something your passionate about to the person you love brings a bad reaction) then end up resenting the fact or he'll leave from you sticking to your passions that he clearly believes are unimportant (couldn't disagree with him more on that).

In my experiences living together is the hardest test of a relationship, if you have the slightest doubt before hand (I mean about the relationship not just nerves about it, that's natural) then it's likely not going to be a happy period in your life and a giant wast of time. I loved my ex, we were engaged, we were together for 2 and a half years before moving in together. The next 6 months were the most miserable time of my life, filled with blazing rows over previously trivial things.

A lot of people are using the "you wont get someone who likes everything you do" but that smacks of settling. You can and will find someone who shares your passions but who has different interests, different interests are good, dismissing passions isn't. Just look at all the people here (true a bias sample) who agree with you on those passions...

One final thought, if you are completely happy 100% why are you on an internet forum asking this? If you're not 100% happy and considering leaving; there is your answer, that dissatisfaction will only grow and fester with time.

Hates? no

Disinterested? sure

Well if thats something major that you deeply care about, long term the fights will get worse and the relationship will fall apart.

OT: No, I couldn't it's too against the grain and I don't really argue or deal with bullshit I would probably not even get in the relationship.

Give him a taste of his own medicine, don't you stand up for yourself in any way? Tell him he's right, there is no point in talking about it... as it would go over his head! It sounds like you've got a lot of tolerance, so I give you my respect for that.

It sincerely confuses me how and why he harnesses such needless hatred for the subject. If he REALLY was that concerned for the economy or whatever he would not be playing video games -_-

I really think so, however I think it's only works if both sides respect each other about the topic.

Op, there's no such thing as perfect relationship, every couple are going to have their differences, big and small, the question is not if such differences should exist, but if such differences are manageable and wherever they will break the relationship.

If you feel he doesn't respect your core interests then that's a major black mark against him, but it's doesn't necessarily break a relationship. It depends to to what severity he disrespects your core interests. For example, to list my subjects of interests: Politics, history, video games, heavy metal, anime, philosophy, stand up comedy, and film and literature, there is a real possibility that i might end up with a girlfriend who doesn't like me being into heavy metal, video games or anime. They both after all have their negative stereotypes. For me, if this hypothetical girlfriend was actively against any of these things i'm passionate about then i wouldn't want to be with her. However, if she's apathetic about any of them it's a shame but no relationship breaker. After all, it would be foolish of me to dump a girlfriend just because she doesn't comprehend the musical brilliance that is Iron Maiden.

Just remember though that nobodies perfect. It wouldn't be prudent to dump him in the hope that you'll find someone just like him bar the fact he is actually into debating philosophy and science fiction. Perfect partners don't really exist. You could readily find someone who's also into your passionate subjects, but they may not have the kind of personality or black humour that draws you to your current boyfriend.

You get a lot of people who will wait around being single or going through relationship after relationship trying to find that ideal guy or girl (usually an ideal guy) for many many years, on a wild goose chase trying to find their "one true love". Then they suddenly hit thirty, panic, and end up with someone who is ill-suited for them. I don't get the impression your one of those types but it's a noteworthy point on this topic.

Nobodies perfect, it's irrational to split with someone just because they're not your perfect partner. Still, if he doesn't respect your most passionate interests that's a big difference between you and him, which in some cases, maybe or maybe not yours, would break the relationship. The question you've got to ask yourself is "Does he disrespect my passionate interests enough to end the relationship?

Stay with them? Maybe. If they aren't too obnoxious about it.

Friends? We wouldn't have enough in common to be really close friends I don't think.

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