Your deepest darkest secret experience that you never dare tell anyone about.

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Title sums it all up! Let's see how shamefully embarrassing you guys are.

Take the WORST embarissing experience from any time period in your life and reveal all.

I'll start with a completely heart-wrenching story of mine.

I was in primary school, can't of been any older than 9. Had a pretty gross beef sandwich for lunch, and later in the day I had some seriously explosive diarrhoea. Like, seriously explosive. It was an hour before the end of the day, so my child mind decided that was a piece of cake, so I held it in. It didn't work, it rushed out like the opening of the Panama canal. My 'O'face was very pronounced by this stage. I yelled to the teacher, asking to be excused. She, unaware of my situation, agree'd. I rushed out of the classroom as quickly as possible to avoid the smell from spreading to my Rosie cheeked class mates, and headed to the toilet. I cleared my bowels, and everything was fine.

OR WAS IT?

It did leave quite a mess on the inside of my trousers, and pantaloons. So I reached for some toilet paper. None... Absolutely none in the whole bathroom block... So I had no choice, I had to use something else, I decided as my underwear was already soiled, I'd use that. So I cleaned up with my underwear, and job done! I was clean, the smell was gone, and everything was fine! Only... What to do with the underwear? I couldn't take it with me, or leave it around for people to find. So I took off my shoe, knocked one of the ceiling tiles off, and threw my underwear up there. Maybe if I'm lucky the pants will be found after I left, and nobody will ever suspect me! Job done! My first experience of going commando in a public building. Felt good.

But wait, the story does not end there. The weekend passed, and we came back into school on Monday greeted with the most disgusting stench of shit to ever grace the human sinus. I knew instantly it was my fault... It turns out, upon throwing my underwear into the ceiling, it landed in an exposed heating air duct. Thus the smell of my shit was transported effortlessly around the school. The janitor found and removed the underwear, and there was a massive investigation as to who the underwear belonged to. I never, to this day, have spoken up. My eleventh year on this planet, was one of deep resentment and embarrassed flashbacks.

TOP THAT. I bet you can't.

I once went out drinking on leave and woke up the next morning, after a black out, completely naked with no idea where my clothes went or why I was in jail... and then had to call my CO and explain to him that he needed to come pick me up and bring clothes... had found out I was charged with drunk and disorderly and public indecency so I was apparently naked before I got arrested... of course he ignored my request for new BDUs as punishment for me getting arrested... so I got to do the walk of shame into the base buck ass naked right past everyone doing PT and to this day still have no idea just how I ended up naked

I generally leave that incident out when swapping stories about my time in the service

OP, your story made me laugh out loud. Literally.

Liquidacid23:
I once went out drinking on leave and woke up the next morning, after a black out, completely naked with no idea where my clothes went or why I was in jail... and then had to call my CO and explain to him that he needed to come pick me up and bring clothes... had found out I was charged with drunk and disorderly and public indecency so I was apparently naked before I got arrested... of course he ignored my request for new BDUs as punishment for me getting arrested... so I got to do the walk of shame into the base buck ass naked right past everyone doing PT and to this day still have no idea just how I ended up naked

I generally leave that incident out when swapping stories about my time in the service

I only once got drunk to the point where I literally could not function anymore, when being out and about that is. (Im pretty good at reaching home and laying down in bed just seconds before I pass out. Its a God given gift.)

I was at a party of sorts, got absolutely shit faced, started 2 fights, almost cheated on my girlfriend, drunk even more, went to take a piss, and passed out somewhere. Half an hour later I woke up lying in a field with no recollection as to why I was there. I was still drunk as fuck. I had no idea which way was home. And I desperately needed to take a shit. Yeah. Those 3 things really do not mix.

So after taking a shit and wiping my ass half heartedly with my socks (threw them into a bush afterwards) I stumbled about for a bit and somehow found my way back into town after falling over more than once and falling asleep on park benches a few times, much to the amusement of older people who walked by me and marveled in being slightly less shit faced than me, I literally dragged myself into a taxi, got home, fell asleep, and woke up 3 hours later to what was probably the second worst hangover of my life.

Everything about that evening was so damn embarrassing, even though I never told anyone about that shit I took. So there you go OP. Not my darkest secret but my most embarrassing night out.

EDIT: Oh yeah, and theres that time I almost had a threesome with some girl and - here it comes - a male friend of mine. Man. Alcohol is a terrible thing. I should be glad I cant drink it anymore. We never mentioned that again.

SmashLovesTitanQuest:

EDIT: Oh yeah, and theres that time I almost had a threesome with some girl and - here it comes - a male friend of mine. Man. Alcohol is a terrible thing. I should be glad I cant drink it anymore. We never mentioned that again.

What, have you not heard of the Golden Rule?

OT: I cheated on several middle-school tests. I'm such a monster.

-Here's a few:

-Last year, me and my twin brother got a job at a winter festival, i had a lot more shifts than him. So i gave him one of my shifts, he went to work with my winter clothes on and everyone tought that he was me. It was the only time that we did that.

-I cheated a couple of times in school. Got caught only onece when i was in second grade of elementary school.

-When people ask me how i got my copy of "Zelda: A link to the past" on snes, i tell them that i bought it at a flea market for 20 bucks. Well, the truth is that i stole it from the flea market. It was the only time that i EVER stole anything. I don't why i did it i think it was just to have the feeling of doing something illegal. I still go to that flea market, today they have installed some surveillance cameras and even without them i wouldn't dare to steal anything ever again.

-I never told that one to my friends because NONE of them can keep a fucking secret. Last summer, i had an affair with a girl that already had a boyfriend who was away for a month. We met at a friends party a few months earlier and we clicked right away. So before he left, we went for a bicycle ride, nothing happened, it was just a friendly ride. Then when he left, we saw each other every 2 days. We never had sex together, we kissed and that was it. The day before her boyfriend was back, she was sad because she knew that we could never see each other again. So, before leaving, we hugged, i kissed her on the lips, wispered (sincerely) "i love you" in her hear...and i left, never saw her again.

I, too, had a wholesome experience with diahorrea in the classroom. I'd consumed some laxative chocolate the previous night, and then in the classroom I... soiled my underwear. I don't know if people realised, but nonetheless I went to the bathroom immediately. And the teacher found out.

One day in secondary school, I was standing in assembly for half an hour due to a lack of seats... and I began to black out... the lights started to become fuzzy, and the next thing I knew I was on the floor. Way too much attention. From that day forward people asked me if I had been taking drugs or something.

Once I was rushing to get to university, and I tripped in the car park, somersaulting, tearing my trousers and grazing my knee. I attempted to hurry on as if no-one had seen what happened, but my Japanese teacher spotted me and insisted that I went to get first-aid. After that, I walked into the lecture hall with torn trousers.

I almost had sex with a woman once. I was VERY drunk at the time. So was she.

Yeah, it's not the greatest dark secret (especially since I have told people), but the morning after, I definitely thought it was a big deal. I was planning on taking it all the way to the grave.

My dark secret is that I tricked a drunk dude into thinking I was a chick and we alm -

latenightapplepie:
I almost had sex with a woman once. I was VERY drunk at the time. So was she.

...

Oh shit.

I have only ever stolen one thing in my entire life.
When I was in fifth grade, I saw a box of kittens on someone' s porch.
Looking back on it, they were probably too old to be the "kittens" that everyone fawns over; they were around four months old.

It does not excuse it though and I really feel terrible about it still. The only justification I can give is that we gave her a good home.

To this day, my mother believes that I found her wandering in the alley.

Kasurami:
My dark secret is that I tricked a drunk dude into thinking I was a chick and we alm -

latenightapplepie:
I almost had sex with a woman once. I was VERY drunk at the time. So was she.

...

Oh shit.

fuckin lol

Liquidacid23:
I once went out drinking on leave and woke up the next morning, after a black out, completely naked with no idea where my clothes went or why I was in jail... and then had to call my CO and explain to him that he needed to come pick me up and bring clothes... had found out I was charged with drunk and disorderly and public indecency so I was apparently naked before I got arrested... of course he ignored my request for new BDUs as punishment for me getting arrested... so I got to do the walk of shame into the base buck ass naked right past everyone doing PT and to this day still have no idea just how I ended up naked

I generally leave that incident out when swapping stories about my time in the service

You sir are a legend...

We had some airmen get charged for breaking into a sauna at the station gym.... so they could use the coals to fry eggs... :P Drunken awesomeness!

OT: Unfortunately I haven't got any stories that are that embarrassing, usually because I am not one to get embarrassed... but I once was set up with a friend of a friend at a social do. It was going really well all night, and we were chatting loads... but then I introduced her to a group of my friends.... stupid me got her damn name wrong!! :/ I was laughed at royally... it was a bit awkward the rest of the night! What was even odder though was that someone else got it wrong later too, who didn't even know about the first time!

...If it's someone's deepest darkest secret that they'd never EVER share with ANYONE. Do you REALLY think they'll post it on a public forum for everyone to see? No, they will instead post something else and keep their true darkest secret...you know, a secret.

Well, I was ballistically shitfaced (Vodka and redbull fucks me up) And, I started cutting myself, dunno why, naturally my flatmates come home see me bleeding and spend the next few weeks trying to force me into therapy and such. ugh. Though, they gave up after the second week.

My Secret? I think about Death every single day. just to get out of this abusive life. but im bound by rules and i could never do it to Wolf. Suicide is for the Weak and im not a weakling

not my Darkest Secret but one of them. alot of people see me as a happy, joyful person. Really im just Depressed and Melancholic. but im happy when im talking to my friends

I once made a totally weaboo power-point presentation for my geobo (global) studies class about how manga is the best ever. I technically wound up referring to 4chan in it. I once threw up all over my friend's bed when I spent the week at his house. That was awkward.

However, if I must... I was handing out fliers for a backpack drive I was helping out with as part of a missions trip I was on to Las Vegas. We were all teenagers and the coordinators had told us to make sure that every girl had at least one guy with them as it was apparently a somewhat rough neighborhood (in hindsight it wasn't that bed, just better safe than sorry I suppose). As I am not used to hot and dry climates, I had been drinking at least a bottle of water every active hour, sometimes more, and by the end of our route I had to pee really bad. There was only one road left, but I felt I could make it. When we got to the first house and knocked on the door we were greeted by a man who over the course of our conversation made it quite clear that he did not know English. That did not stop the girl who I was handing out the fliers with, who just kept trying to get him to understand what the fliers were for even though he clearly couldn't understand her and was definitely too old to have children young enough to still be in school. After about ten minutes of standing there I finally couldn't hold it in anymore, and I... eh... relieved myself. For about half a minute. Right on this stranger's doorstep, right next to some girl I hardly knew. They didn't notice. Another five minutes later she got the picture and we continued down the road. I told my friend what had happened, and no one else, and when we got back to the place where we were staying I took a shower. I only started telling people what had happened a couple years ago.

I have a few, and there is no way I am posting them on a forum.

Well, I'm not about to go spilling my deepest darkest secrets here, but I will share an embarrassing tale. So, like many young men I was really quite worried about the day when I would lose my virginity, as was my girlfriend at the time. Both of us (we were in high school) were really worried about the possibility of something going wrong, and in order to cover as many bases as possible opted for condoms coated in a spermicidal lubricant (a chemical that kills sperm). Little did I know that the chemical which is used in these condoms is nonoxynol-9, which a good portion of the general population (myself included) happen to be quite allergic to. What I thought would be a magical day ended with a severe breakout of hives. And since I didn't want to tell anyone what had caused the reaction, I had to pretend I didn't know why I was covered in red bumps for the next 3 days. My parents, teachers, friends, and even some doctors. At the time I really didn't think anything could be more embarrassing.

I guess that's the funny thing about time though. What's embarrassing as hell today, makes for a great story to laugh at tomorrow. And so it was with this one.

Liquidacid23:
I once went out drinking on leave and woke up the next morning, after a black out, completely naked with no idea where my clothes went or why I was in jail... and then had to call my CO and explain to him that he needed to come pick me up and bring clothes... had found out I was charged with drunk and disorderly and public indecency so I was apparently naked before I got arrested... of course he ignored my request for new BDUs as punishment for me getting arrested... so I got to do the walk of shame into the base buck ass naked right past everyone doing PT and to this day still have no idea just how I ended up naked

I generally leave that incident out when swapping stories about my time in the service

Oooh! I have one of those!

Also drunk to the point where I don't know the specifics at Camp Lejeune but ended with me running across the parade deck naked (I was the skinny white guy at 130lbs) being chased by a big naked black guy with a rat tail (wet twisted up towel). About that time (exactly that time) the company commander steps out the hatch to his hootch, sees this, does an about face, walks back inside and closed the hatch. >_<

No one spoke of it again so the details have been lost in time

I hate to be a killjoy, but if it's my "deepest darkest secret experience that I wouldn't dare tell anyone," by what bizarro logic makes you think I'd post all about it on the Internet for all to see and read?

sanquin:
...If it's someone's deepest darkest secret that they'd never EVER share with ANYONE. Do you REALLY think they'll post it on a public forum for everyone to see? No, they will instead post something else and keep their true darkest secret...you know, a secret.

Thought I'd get ninja'd but you were what the 10th post? That was kinda late for the escapist.

But yeah, same answer as quote above :)

Ummmm. Nothing I can say without condemning myself whilst at the same time I can guarantee that no one and their property, or me, was harmed, hurt, or wronged in any way. Just silly things I did that have tremendous consequences that boggle the mind, and are somewhat embarrassing. Let that run through your head.

Well in spite of people holding in their secret out of protest, I do have an embarassing story. Hell, this place offers a degree of anonymity, so why not?

When I was 12 or so my famliy spent a day at a local amusement park. After a few hours of fun and so forth, time to go to the bathroom. This one was pretty crowded and so I had to wait for a urinal to be available.

When one was, I approached the urinal and unzipped, getting ready to release. I was just about to when I noticed there was a pretty big puddle of.... something (in reality it was probably just water leaked from some plumbing or something)... underneath that urinal, and I was standing in a part of it. Wanting to know the source, I turned around and started looking without realizing that yes, my junk was still hanging out there. Probably spent 15 seconds loking like a slackjawed idiot before I caught the strangest glance of a guy who was probably 17 years old or so. He was glaring at me. I didn't know why, and he must have realized this, because a quick glance downward and back up sent me the message that yeah, I was hanging out there. I covered up, turned around, took care of my business and got the hell out of that bathroom after that. Not sure how many people noticed it aside from this one, including if any of my brothers got a good look.

Never shared that until now. Wonder how theraputic this will be. XD

My dark secret is that... I.... I.... eat lots of bacon

OHGODIMSOASHAMED!!!!

OT:
My second biggest, second darkest decret is probably that I stole a deck of pornographic playing cards from my Uncle.

To the person who stole porno playing cards: In Hawaii i bought a pack of those off a street merchant when i was like 14.

" Your deepest darkest secret experience that you never dare tell anyone about. "

Yes...but my darkest secret experiance isnt embarassing. It was witnessing a horrible traumatic event from a few feet away.

I almost killed a kid once. Well, we were both kids and I threw something at him and knocked him unconscious. For a minute there I really did think I killed him. The secret part is that I really didn't care to much.
Uh, oh yeah and when I was going through my oedipus complex I masturbated in my moms bed once. Now I'm pretty disgusted by that one...THANKS OP.

Self-defeating thread is self-defeating? It is no deep dark secret that I will never share with anyone... if I share it with someone :P
I like how most of these are drunk stories. Well done sirs, well done.

The lightest thing I would dare to mention even on a forum is that I have an incest fetish. I enjoy reading erotic literature about siblings or at least cousins doing the dirty.

Oddly enough I can't really think of anything.
I would have thought I had, but I really don't...

Edit: I suppose that's the downside (upside?) of not drinking.

Now, if I told you that, it wouldn't be a secret anymore, would it? And it's a big, bad secret.

I have one thing I'll tell, though. All my friends, everyone sees me as a happy eccentric. A nut who occasionally drinks more than he should. Really, I have a lot of problems. A few of them make me feel like utter s*** from time to time. I know I'm a freak. I know I've strayed so far from "normal" that I don't understand most people, and they don't understand me. That makes any kind of meaningful relationship impossible. I worry about my future. In two years, I'll step out of uni into a cruel world in which I am but a helpless victim of numerous authorities who never come out of their marble towers long enough to be bought to real justice, read, the kind of justice that doesn't involve a court they can squirm around. I've got a hundred bad memories that pop up every now and again, and they threaten to destroy what little sanity I have left.

But I can't tell anyone. They depend on me to make them laugh. It's a job I gladly accept, because it usually makes me feel good too, but sometimes, it's damn hard. I guess I can handle it because I can remember times that were so much worse. This feels bad, but I know damn well I've survived worse.

Arontala:

SmashLovesTitanQuest:

EDIT: Oh yeah, and theres that time I almost had a threesome with some girl and - here it comes - a male friend of mine. Man. Alcohol is a terrible thing. I should be glad I cant drink it anymore. We never mentioned that again.

What, have you not heard of the Golden Rule?

OT: I cheated on several middle-school tests. I'm such a monster.

Is that really Justin Timberlake? If so, big respect for him for having a sense of humor.

My deepest darkest secret? Shall I tell you? Let me whisper it to youuuuuu....

I listen to the Electric Light Orchestra... unironicly. I really like this band.

As for embarrassing stories, I am afraid I have very few, and none are fit for a message board.

My "dark secrets" and secrets for a reason, but I do have something very embarrassing happen to me. I remember when my parents first found my porn collection. I was 16 and she found EVERYTHING! My history, my physical stash, everything. It also didn't help that at the time I was experimenting with bondage and fetish porn on top of it all. So it wasn't just normal porn it was all kinds of stuff.

My Mom and Dad had it laid out on the kitchen table and told me to sit down. All of it was just laying there with my parents going through it. My Dad silent and my mom talking about how it degrades women. I remember my Dad saying how I'm just another teenager and this is normal. My Mom screaming sarcastically as she waves women tied up in front of our facing "Oh yea, THIS is normal!"

I'm sure there is more, but I think my mind blacked out after that.

All I remember was wanting to just die right there, didn't care how, just wanted to die.

I don't have any "Dark Secrets" but I do have an amusing and embarassing tale.
When I was in primary school we were having swimming lessons. We took our swimming costumes to the swimming pool, got changed and then learned to swim. Except I hit a minor complication in that I couldn't find my swimming trunks. So, having all the selfawareness of a naked ten year old I ran out of the changing room into the greater pool area (Where my classmates and teacher were assembled) so as to loudly shout "I couldn't find my trunks!" in way of an appeal to my teacher that she, as the omnipotent power closest to hand could come and fix my problem. It was a rather popular tale to be retold whenever I was in earshot and gossip was thin on the ground.

On a related note, I effectively stole some older kid's shorts after my teacher had asked to borrow them on my behalf. I could never find him again.

On another related note, after the swimming lesson I found my trunks. My mother had rolled them inside my towel. They were in my bag the whole time.

Not the worst, buuut...

My friends and I went out one night, and got very, very drunk. We roamed around town for a bit, and wandered into pubs and tried to convince people to buy us a few pints. It worked, surprisingly, for the most part, but once we got a little bit too out of it, we couldn't even get back in.

So we went to a few shops to see if they were still open, and the ones that were we bought a lot of Vodka from, which we proceeded to drink. Straight.

We met up with a few more of our mates, and we went and got them shitfaced as well. Last thing I remember before waking up was pushing this girl I know down the high street in a shopping trolley.

After that, two of my mates and I woke up in a cul-de-sac, hungover out of our minds, under a tree, and we had all either acquired or lost some items of clothing.

I still don't know how that happened, but we ended up on the other side of town to where we started. Luckily, I lived close by and we all went to mine and had bacon and eggs for breakfast.

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