Embarrassing sex-related stories

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What are your most embarrassing sex-related stories? They can be about masturbation or anything. I remember a while ago, I found this website or something that was entertaining to read through the cringeworthy and sympathetic, yet hilarious stories, so I thought it'd be nice for people to share.

I once had sex with a porpoise. Or was it a dolphin?
Eh, either way, one blow hole is the same as the next to me.
Broken reference man awaaaaaaaaay!

I don't think I have anything extraordinary. Just the usual drunken shenanigans.

Well, there was this one time I got drunk and allegedly made out with this girl I know for two hours straight (When someone told me this afterwards, I was baffled as I was convinced it was something like 10 minutes, max).
It culminated in an attempted fuck that was interrupted by some security guards or something knocking on our door.
Not that we were doing well to begin with, considering how drunk we both were.

I can't remember a lot of details from it.
I do remember, though, that I hadn't been anticipating getting any action, so I hadn't cut my nails or trimmed my pubes recently. I'm sort of hoping she doesn't remember much either.

Other than that? Hmm...
I once read on the internet that a decent way to measure your penis girth is to compare it to a toilet paper roll. As in the cardboard tube that the paper is fixed to; not the entire roll.
Allegedly, a penis of average girth fits very neatly inside a toilet paper roll.
I was all like "What? But those tubes are fairly roomy. There's no way my dick'd take up all that space. I need to investigate." So I went to the toilet and picked up an empty roll of toilet paper, promptly stuck my penis in there and started to conjure an erection.
To my surprise, it fit very tightly.
Then it sort of dawned on me that I was standing in the bathroom half naked, looking pleased, with a cardboard tube fixed to my erect member. The tube wasn't coming off either.
A few seconds after that realization struck me, the cardboard tube tore open and freed me.
Then I went on with my day.

Oh, and you're now going to wonder in the back of your head for the next while how your dick compares to a toilet paper roll. You're welcome.

Relish in Chaos:
What are your most embarrassing sex-related stories?

That I haven't had any yet.

ZING!

Various incidents of having just tied up/handcuffed/otherwise severely bound my girlfriend and then someone knocks at the door. The scramble that follows is terrifying to experience, but kind of funny afterwards (aside from my girlfriend's muted growls of murderous rage).

Loop Stricken:

Relish in Chaos:
What are your most embarrassing sex-related stories?

That I haven't had any yet.

ZING!

Oh boy that slaps me on the knee!

...same here.*sad face*

Came home freaking smashed one night and had the bright idea of instead of jerkin it like usual I had sex with a jar of grape jelly (not gonna lie felt good as hell) but next thing I know it was 3 in the afternoon and I was super hungry. Go to kitchen and start making a PB&J sandwich and half way through my sandwich realize wtf I did last night.

Inb4 I get banned for posting that lmao, but its true :/ AIN'T GOT NO SHAME

DugMachine:
Came home freaking smashed one night and had the bright idea of instead of jerkin it like usual I had sex with a jar of grape jelly (not gonna lie felt good as hell) but next thing I know it was 3 in the afternoon and I was super hungry. Go to kitchen and start making a PB&J sandwich and half way through my sandwich realize wtf I did last night.

Inb4 I get banned for posting that lmao, but its true :/ AIN'T GOT NO SHAME

Holy shit man. Thats hilarious. Did you finish into the jar?

OT: Well, theres a few. The most embarrassing has to be my first time, which is nothing spectacular, but still. Busting a nut in under 2 minutes is no damn fun man.

I had a close call a year ago. I was at a party and got smashed, and thought nothing of it the next day. No one mentioned anything. Then, on Monday at school, a friend asked me if I fucked that fat chick. What the hell was going on? I had no idea. Turns out he had taped us getting a little closer, if you catch my drift.

Distraught, I immediately asked my closest friend what I had done, and was relieved when he told me nothing more had happened. Apparently I went home alone to pass out a few hours later. Close one. Still, im almost sure that somewhere on the internet, theres a video of me and a fat chick at a party, which is an unnerving thought.

Im glad I became a teetotaler sometimes.

Loop Stricken:

Relish in Chaos:
What are your most embarrassing sex-related stories?

That I haven't had any yet.

ZING!

Pony related, just for you.

Not really a "Story" but my girlfriend can leave hickeys on me that linger for days (And does. Frequently.) yet I can't give her a single mark that stays for more than a day. I swear she has skin like a Rhino. D:

SmashLovesTitanQuest:

DugMachine:
Came home freaking smashed one night and had the bright idea of instead of jerkin it like usual I had sex with a jar of grape jelly (not gonna lie felt good as hell) but next thing I know it was 3 in the afternoon and I was super hungry. Go to kitchen and start making a PB&J sandwich and half way through my sandwich realize wtf I did last night.

Inb4 I get banned for posting that lmao, but its true :/ AIN'T GOT NO SHAME

Holy shit man. Thats hilarious. Did you finish into the jar?

I honestly have no clue it was just a blur but I stopped eating that sammich and went about my day with shame and avoided eye contact with anybody for 2 or 3 days lol.

Most of mine involve various injuries, so not really embarrassing per say.

However, a friend of mine had a room mate, and this is all he told me before I said I didn't want any more info... "...get your dick out of the VCR!"

During my Freshman year of high school my drama teacher got me a minor role of with a local theatre company production of Oliver Twist.

It's opening night and I'm nervous as shit because I just KNOW I'm going to get out on stage to deliver my lines and do something cataclysmically embarrassing. I'm going to throw up on an actress or trip over my own two feet or just stand dumbfounded like a gawping idiot while the play grinds to a screeching halt. If I had ever been sure of anything in my life it was the fact that I was going to be the downfall of this entire production and by proxy the entire company.

My girlfriend, who had been allowed backstage to help with my makeup decided that the best remedy for my jangled nerves would be to go down on me.

While I certainly don't wish to impugn her enthusiastic efforts, that particular act has never produced "quick results" and as a result she was still in mid act as my queue to come on stage rapidly approached.

Moments later, there's me delivering my lines to a decent sized audience, sporting what I can only imagine is a poorly concealed hard on.

Diddy_Mao:
During my Freshman year of high school my drama teacher got me a minor role of with a local theatre company production of Oliver Twist.

It's opening night and I'm nervous as shit because I just KNOW I'm going to get out on stage to deliver my lines and do something cataclysmically embarrassing. I'm going to throw up on an actress or trip over my own two feet or just stand dumbfounded like a gawping idiot while the play grinds to a screeching halt. If I had ever been sure of anything in my life it was the fact that I was going to be the downfall of this entire production and by proxy the entire company.

My girlfriend, who had been allowed backstage to help with my makeup decided that the best remedy for my jangled nerves would be to go down on me.

While I certainly don't wish to impugn her enthusiastic efforts, that particular act has never produced "quick results" and as a result she was still in mid act as my queue to come on stage rapidly approached.

Moments later, there's me delivering my lines to a decent sized audience, sporting what I can only imagine is a poorly concealed hard on.

Oh good god that must of been embarrassing.

However... That was dutiful of your girlfriend! XD

Being semi-used for revenge sex by a lesbian...

SckizoBoy:
Being semi-used for revenge sex by a lesbian...

Wait, what?

There are a few, but one that stands out is her mother walking in while we were...doing...things.
yeeeaaaaah that was awkward, but really funny at the same time, ah dear.

Tell you what though, those times when she can't finish the job is just...stressful and just awful haha.

I remember once having sex with my GF and a roommate knocking loudly on the wall shouting "For god's sake at least wait 5 minutes till I'm out of here!". It was only then that we realised how thin the walls were...it sounded like he was in the same room talking to us.

On a trip with college we were all staying in a hostel. Me and this girl went up to her room (which she was sharing with 5 other girls, one of whom, a mature student, was asleep in her bed). The bottom of her bed was about 4 foot from the door, I was on top and we'd thrown the duvet off. My friend comes in the door only to be greeted by my arse bobbing up and down far closer than he appreciated. Anyway I'd been drinking Jack and Coke with a shot of vodka chaser for about 8 hours at this stage so lets just say the blood wasn't flowing in a way I appreciated add to that being on top and wearing a condom it was all doing very little for me. We swapped but at this stage I was just tired. So I let out a faint groan, kinda like I'd just started a really good piss, got her off me, ripped the condom off and clutched it in one fist and grabbed up all my clothes under my other arm. Ran through the hostel like this and back to my room. I was sleeping on a top bunk and while I was climbing up the ladder the guy in the bunk opposite rolled over just as my lad reached eye level. Woke up the next day and was hanging out in the city with the guy who saw my junk as I was getting into bed and another guy. At one stage I was looking for something in my pocket, felt something, didn't know what it was and pulled out a (half)used condom in the middle of the street.

So yeah, two of my friends who saw far more of my anatomy than they ever wanted and a girl who still thinks that night was really special but to me will always be the night I discovered A) Whiskey dick is indeed a thing and B) Men can fake orgasms.

SmashLovesTitanQuest:
snip

You're the lucky one then, my close call with a fat chick was a lot closer unfortunately. We were making out like crazy in a club (that not drinking thing you were talking about might not be a bad idea) I had my hand up her top and everything (like you this was all relayed to me by a slightly more sober third party), apparently at one stage I just whipped her tits out of her top (I should clarify right now, the stories I'm telling here are not indicative of sober me). Anyway she took me out of the club and was bringing me home only me being as drunk as I was just sort of wandered off, got lost and went home. Thank fuck for that.

Getting caught in the girls' bathroom in highschool was quite emberrassing. But also still quite funny, I've never seen someone leave a room that fast looking so scared. :P

Met a lass on a night out many moons ago when I was 18.

We went back to hers and ended up having sex on the sofa. Being as drunk as I was I passed out *hopefully* afterwards (I can remember starting but not actually finishing).

Woke up in the morning to her flat mate and friends walking in. I was still stark bollock nekkid on the sofa.....

That was a fun day.

Relish in Chaos:
What are your most embarrassing sex-related stories? They can be about masturbation or anything. I remember a while ago, I found this website or something that was entertaining to read through the cringeworthy and sympathetic, yet hilarious stories, so I thought it'd be nice for people to share.

Just going to say, particularly on this sort of thread, it's considered good manners for the OP to get the ball rolling with their own story...

Hmm. My ex girlfriend (didn't end up sleeping with her) and I didn't really have any embarrassing moments. I mean I fumbled her bra-strap, but that's about it. When I first hooked up with her, we were openly making out at the party for about an hour. The amount of people going on about that was fairly embarrassing, I guess.

When I lost my virginity (outdoors) the girl lets out an unexpected moan. As we're walking back into the village, we walk past some guy walking by with his kid. I then overhear "daddy, I really did hear a ghost!"

back in highschool bunch of freinds asked if I had "hooked up with a guy yet"....

...I had not...

..it was embarassing

Suicidejim:
Various incidents of having just tied up/handcuffed/otherwise severely bound my girlfriend and then someone knocks at the door. The scramble that follows is terrifying to experience, but kind of funny afterwards (aside from my girlfriend's muted growls of murderous rage).

Fortunately, I haven't had THAT happen. Yet.

There was that one time I was preparing a surprise for my boyfriend at the time. I was going to handcuff myself to his dorm bed so he'd find me like that. I was figuring out logistics and was testing out the best location (while fully clothed, with hours yet before he would get back) and I dropped the key... out of reach. It took me nearly half an hour to contort myself enough to reach out my foot and drag the key back into reach.

But that wasn't the story I was going to share. ^^;;

Okay, so the actual story.

I was on a first date. We were on a hiking trail, one that wound up the side of this gorge. We found this bench along the trail where we could see bother directions fairly well, and it was very scenic. We ended up making out there... and then more than making out. Since no one was around, we moved into second base and towards third.

And then we heard clapping and cheering. There was no one on the trail though... until we looked up. Turns out, the trail cut back overhead. A few hundred feet up, a group of six hikers was getting an eyeful of my tits.

After getting my shirt back on, we beat a hasty retreat down the trail, back to the car. At the time I was super embarrassed, but looking back it was pretty fucking funny. ^^

Well I was hooking up with a girl freshmen year of college. We were in her room going at it, she starts giving me a BJ, both of us were stark naked, and all of a sudden her roommate walks in with friends. She started to frigging freak out and what not, so I grabbed my boxers and shorts, and bolted lol. That was kinda embarrassing cause holy shit was I close to finishing. Looking back on it it was rather funny, I wonder what my expression was, but man was I blue balled lol

Hmmmmmm...nothing else really too embarrassing, but my ex and I were having a particular horny? lovely? physical? day, basically I woke up and she surprised me by being stark naked and grinding on me. So we did the deed, and went to go take a shower. Things of course started to heat up, and so we end up pausing the shower, and started doing the deed on the bathroom floor Meanwhile, some friends apparently walked in to my apartment cause my roommate let them in, and apparently they could all hear our wet bodies slapping against the bathroom floor, and so my nickname is, Thumper lol.

Many years ago, in 12th grade, for reasons that I can no longer recall, my girlfriend and I thought it would be a good idea for her to attempt to give me a hand job under the desk during English Lit.

After class, the teacher called us aside and calmly let us know that he thought it would be best if, for future classes, my friend Dan sit between us.

Good guy teacher, but still mortified.

Spot1990:
apparently at one stage I just whipped her tits out of her top

Bwahahahahaha.

Hey, at least you are only the guy who whipped out her tits. Shes the girl who let you do it.

Err so many of these are so good. I once tried carrying a girl to my bed, she wasn't heavy, but I hit her head on the door frame quite hard. She didn't leave or complain, bless her heart.

didn't happen to me but involves me xD

there was this party once in highschool. everyone was fairly drunk, and my boyfriend thought he'd pick me up and go into one of the rooms in the house.
he gets busy undressing me and his thoughts go something like: "huh, strange. her belly button piercing has a blue gem in it. could have sworn it was yellow..and..wait. she's scratchy..but today in the morning she was smooth..OH SHIT!"
as it turns out, he picked up my twin sister and dragged her into one of the rooms, and she was so blitzed she didn't realize what was going on and didn't protest xD
good thing he left the lights on^^
he told me about it right away and it was an honest mistake (even our own mother has only an about 50% hit rate in telling us appart :-/ ), so i wasn't mad at him. quite the opposite actually, he could have proceeded and i'd probably never have known about it, but he chose to confess it to me instead^^

Mines more of a sexual faux pas than a story, but let it serve a warning to anybody who enjoys family guy, do not leave the tv on during sex.

Anyway i was with my current sort of gf (classification is a different story)we were comfortable getting close on the bed watching tele, cheeky making out and groping. She pretty much pounced on me during the adverts (yeah i know right) so i got deep in it too. rolled over and took control.

The program carries on and i mostly ignore it because sex is pretty fun and theres a focus. Amd then one of the scenes that always makes me laugh comes on.

Needless to say i pretty much collapsed laughing (just by hearing it). She got her revenge in other ways later on.

And iv learnt the mute button is my friend.

There was that one time where a previous girlfriend and I had just finished having sex and were talking about... something. Anyway, we were both naked with only a bedsheet for the both of us when her roommates broke in and attacked us with Nerf guns. Not so embarrassing as shocking.

Then there was that one time with a different girlfriend where we were having sex in her living room when we heard her roommate trying to open the door. Cue the mad scramble for her bedroom and then slamming the door as hard as possible. Her roommate figured out what had happened pretty quickly.

Or how about the time with a completely different girl that we were having sex with one of her windows open. I told her that was a bad idea but she wasn't the brightest star in the sky so she couldn't comprehend my logic. My logic was this: She is a screamer and you can map out her orgasm by taking audio clues. I knew this. She knew this somewhat. The guys outside who heard her and started cheering my name (probably because she liked to shout that too) discovered this as well.

Finally, there are my overseas adventures. I was in Taiwan with a few friends and one of them was having a birthday party. I met a girl there and we hit it off pretty quickly. Our little birthday party group ended up going to a local club so me and aformentioned girl decided to get drunk and dance. We ended up making out a little on the dance floor but I figured we were well-hidden by the pressing mass of Taiwanese teenagers all around us. That is to say, we WERE well hidden until all of those Taiwanese teenagers discovered what we were doing and suddenly backed away from us like we were foaming at the mouth. The asian girls had their hands to their mouths with this group expression like "you can do that in public?" The guys were more supportive, though. One made eye contact with me when I started looking around for where they all went. He grinned and gave me two thumbs up.

Later on, with this same girl, I tricked the birthday girl out of her apartment keys so we could head back somewhere comfy. Ended up having sex in someone's bed. Not sure whose but the girl said we were allowed to use it. The birthday group came back later that night while were still having sex thus began another mad dash to look as innocent as possible so we could let them into the apartment.

Good times.

Wow, some of these are good.

I don't have that many myself. The first one was when I first tried doggy style with my ex and my vagina suddenly made a weird farting noise. Ended up having a 10 minute giggle fit and completely ruined the moment. Made it up to him later though.

The other one, more embaressing, was when we were going at it and right as I finished I let out a LOUD fart. This time he ended up laughing for ages afterwards.

I once noticed that my girlfriend wasnt really moving much while we were at it. I felt her breathing so i was satisfied she wasnt dead but right after that she started snoring.

FML

I once impregnated a female and then made her get an abortion. WHOOPS.

Relish in Chaos:
What are your most embarrassing sex-related stories? They can be about masturbation or anything. I remember a while ago, I found this website or something that was entertaining to read through the cringeworthy and sympathetic, yet hilarious stories, so I thought it'd be nice for people to share.

Then why didn't you share?

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