Embarrassing sex-related stories

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How on earth do i delete?!

Not exactly sex, but the closest I've been with a woman physically has been a hug and a kiss on the cheek, and I turn 22 this year.

Sassafrass:
I once had sex with a porpoise. Or was it a dolphin?
Eh, either way, one blow hole is the same as the next to me.
Broken reference man awaaaaaaaaay!

I once kicked a raccoon's face straight up its body. What its face was doing on its body I had no idea. Faces should be covering heads! "You're a freak of nature!" I told him. I was doing him a favor. POW! Right back up. He flew the air and landed on Jesus' face. I didn't mean it to, but it was a cheeky bonus...a very cheeky bonus.

OT: I don't have any personally, but a friend of mine discovered her roommate was a lesbian when she walked in on her with another topless girl laying on top of her. She said they giggled at her as she slowly backed out of the room. Apparently what she saw terrified her so much that she didn't sleep that night. I didn't really understand why it was that big of a deal, but maybe that's because I'm a guy and would be content with staying in the room and watching.

BlindTom:
I once impregnated a female and then made her get an abortion. WHOOPS.

Be my friend. Right now.

That is all.

I've been placed in the awkward situation of going down on a woman who really, really didn't know how to maintain herself down there. Amateur mistake, I know... but I tend to learn these things the hard way, and I was only 21.
I had no graceful withdrawal to make. I couldn't face her after I knew the horrors of what lurked in a place so similar to places I had found nothing but a wonderful playground in before. I fled.

Still, I've got nothin' on this guy.

Jonluw:
I don't think I have anything extraordinary. Just the usual drunken shenanigans.

Well, there was this one time I got drunk and allegedly made out with this girl I know for two hours straight (When someone told me this afterwards, I was baffled as I was convinced it was something like 10 minutes, max).
It culminated in an attempted fuck that was interrupted by some security guards or something knocking on our door.
Not that we were doing well to begin with, considering how drunk we both were.

I can't remember a lot of details from it.
I do remember, though, that I hadn't been anticipating getting any action, so I hadn't cut my nails or trimmed my pubes recently. I'm sort of hoping she doesn't remember much either.

Other than that? Hmm...
I once read on the internet that a decent way to measure your penis girth is to compare it to a toilet paper roll. As in the cardboard tube that the paper is fixed to; not the entire roll.
Allegedly, a penis of average girth fits very neatly inside a toilet paper roll.
I was all like "What? But those tubes are fairly roomy. There's no way my dick'd take up all that space. I need to investigate." So I went to the toilet and picked up an empty roll of toilet paper, promptly stuck my penis in there and started to conjure an erection.
To my surprise, it fit very tightly.
Then it sort of dawned on me that I was standing in the bathroom half naked, looking pleased, with a cardboard tube fixed to my erect member. The tube wasn't coming off either.
A few seconds after that realization struck me, the cardboard tube tore open and freed me.
Then I went on with my day.

Oh, and you're now going to wonder in the back of your head for the next while how your dick compares to a toilet paper roll. You're welcome.

I'm about ready to go get a toilet paper roll and find out if this is true. Thanks.

Progress report: Wow, didn't expect it to be such a tight fit. I'm average!

just heard a friend complain that when she had sex with a guy last night, that was so drunk he drew a line with his sperm on his forehead and whispered "simba!".

thought i'd share. xD

loc978:
I've been placed in the awkward situation of going down on a woman who really, really didn't know how to maintain herself down there. Amateur mistake, I know... but I tend to learn these things the hard way, and I was only 21.
I had no graceful withdrawal to make. I couldn't face her after I knew the horrors of what lurked in a place so similar to places I had found nothing but a wonderful playground in before. I fled.

Still, I've got nothin' on this guy.

YOU BASTARD! I CAN'T BREATHE! God that was hilarious.

Edit: Ahem. The video. The other part, I feel for you.

I had sex in the missionary position for the sole purpose of procreation.

Sassafrass:
I once had sex with a porpoise. Or was it a dolphin?
Eh, either way, one blow hole is the same as the next to me.
Broken reference man awaaaaaaaaay!

another boosh fan! ah, so rare nowadays.

About a year back I was doing the deed with my then-girlfriend, when the door was pushed open and her dog came in.
I wasn't comfortable with doing it with him in the room, so I got up to take him out, and he jumped up and bit me on the cock. Then she started laughing. It was embarrassing and really very painful

Random person in World of Warcraft talking me into cybersex and turning out to be one of those S&M types that wanted me to command her to give herself a urine enema.

Brixton6:

Sassafrass:
I once had sex with a porpoise. Or was it a dolphin?
Eh, either way, one blow hole is the same as the next to me.
Broken reference man awaaaaaaaaay!

I once kicked a raccoon's face straight up its body. What its face was doing on its body I had no idea. Faces should be covering heads! "You're a freak of nature!" I told him. I was doing him a favor. POW! Right back up. He flew the air and landed on Jesus' face. I didn't mean it to, but it was a cheeky bonus...a very cheeky bonus.

Hey a Boosh fan.

"If you weren't a geezer, I'd be raping you now behind the counter!"

Loop Stricken:

Relish in Chaos:
What are your most embarrassing sex-related stories?

That I haven't had any yet.

ZING!

My Answer as well... and I'm 20 :(

Not saying i havent done anything...but i haven't had sex...yet

Hmmmm Captcha says "Think Twice" o.O

But i have never been drunk to not remember D: ARGH!

A few weeks ago me and my Brother were watching the Wales vs England Rugby game when we heared the odvi sound of the 2 next door having it off, We try and ignore the sounds but eventually it gets to the part where the England try has been disaloud and myself and my brother stand up and cheer.

We also hear a cheer from next door... followed by a slam and shouting.

The male of the pair was apparently listening to the game on his head phones via the radio and was hiding them in his long hair. He couldn't help himself when wales Won the game. The FEMALE of the two, was less happy that he'd been ignoring her and listening to 30 Sweaty men run at each other covered in mud.

Me and my Brother were happy because Wales beat England. So at least that.

i only have two weird sex stories, not really embarassing

one was going over to this girls house, fucking her, then we got dressed and watched a movie on her couch. shortly after the credits rolled, her then-unmentioned boyfriend showed up. she quickly explained i was just a friend from her class, and that i was totally gay. he believed her. I know that the REASON he believed her is that he and i had been flirting online. So she went to sleep, he and I played halo on the couch, then I decided that these two deserved eachother, blew him, and vanished into the night

the other weird thing happened when i hooked up with another girl. I was going down on her, shes making lots of noise, suddenly her dog starts whining and scratching outside her bedroom door. It got loud enough to be distracting, and just as im about to say something, she interjects with "he's just used to being in here". I left

I will look upon my "first-time" with utter shame. The girl in question was, and still is, many-shades of awesome, no doubt about that. It's just that I was a bit...anxious (so would you be if you'd waited 22 years!) and didn't exactly stay the course.

Palfreyfish:

Bara_no_Hime:

Palfreyfish:
On topic, I banged a straight guy. I'm pretty proud of that. Not embarrassing for me so much though I guess.

**checks profile - notes that you are male**

So, how did that happen? You really didn't share the story so much as the result. And, if the guy let you have sex with him, doesn't that at least make him bi (or closeted bi or something)?

We were completely sober, and I was at his crashing after a night out, and it sort of happened. I initiated things, and it went from there. He still claims to be straight, but he's never said he didn't enjoy it, so I'm pretty pleased with the outcome.

Oh, and for the record, I don't exclusively like men, jus sayin.

This whole post was awesome. we should be friends now

fuck the adware captcha!

Crimbo23:
How on earth do i delete?!

Don't worry, I'll do it.

Next time, edit your posts saying "Please delete" and report them. =P

When I was 15 or something, I put my penis in the vacuum cleaner. Thing is it clocked it, so there wasn't enough air intake to cool the vacuum cleaner, so it overheated, so it blew up, so my parents had to buy a new vacuum cleaner. I've always suspected they know what happened.

You wont get the really embarassing ones, cuz their not for public entertainment but for a dark room in my head that shall never be entered by anyone other than myself. But hey, at least i didn't make this one up to get some e-fame on a board full of underage nerd-virgins. Here we go..

I met a girl in world of warcraft.. yeah i know, shut up, you're no better and you know it. I was bored, home alone and watching porn on my second monitor. Since i was in the mood, i started flirting and whispering her some erotic stuff and who would've thought.. she replied in kind and so we were chatting all night about all kinds of sex-related stuff and making up fantasies (i'll leave the content to your imagination). It all ended with us deciding that we really should meet IRL, because she was kind of inexperienced and wanted me to introduce her to a lot of stuff we were talking about before. We exchanged pictures and i thought she was okay looking and had a nice, big ass (which is a plus for me). Unfortunately she doesn't live in my country. Lol, so we decided for her to fly across half a continent to my city. We split the price of the ticket and the next weekend she really flew over and i was excited as hell, since i had a full weekend with a young girl that wanted me to fuck her in 100 different ways ahead of me. I went to the airport to pick her up and boy.. i was so excited. Everytime a hot chick left the arrival doors i was like:" Please god let this be her!" While i was waiting, a really fat and fucking ugly chick came out of the door and i tought:"Haha, imagine how fucked up it'd be if it was her". And then she looked around, saw me, smiled and walked towards me..

So here i was with an ugly ass woman i wouldn't touch with gloves on, who was a thousand miles away from her home and HAD to stay at my place for at least two days. The only place she could sleep in was my bed. Oh boy.. that weekend turned out to be nothing like i expected it to be. So fucking awkward..

Evil Earlgrey:

So here i was with an ugly ass woman i wouldn't touch with gloves on, who was a thousand miles away from her home and HAD to stay at my place for at least two days. The only place she could sleep in was my bed. Oh boy.. that weekend turned out to be nothing like i expected it to be. So fucking awkward..

Ouuuuuch. You always gotta check with a webcam for those online meetups.

8-Bit_Jack:

Palfreyfish:

Bara_no_Hime:

**checks profile - notes that you are male**

So, how did that happen? You really didn't share the story so much as the result. And, if the guy let you have sex with him, doesn't that at least make him bi (or closeted bi or something)?

We were completely sober, and I was at his crashing after a night out, and it sort of happened. I initiated things, and it went from there. He still claims to be straight, but he's never said he didn't enjoy it, so I'm pretty pleased with the outcome.

Oh, and for the record, I don't exclusively like men, jus sayin.

This whole post was awesome. we should be friends now

fuck the adware captcha!

Why thank you :) and yes, yes we should. And yeah, I don't want advertising in my Captchas, I hate them enough as it is.

8-Bit_Jack:
i only have two weird sex stories, not really embarassing

one was going over to this girls house, fucking her, then we got dressed and watched a movie on her couch. shortly after the credits rolled, her then-unmentioned boyfriend showed up. she quickly explained i was just a friend from her class, and that i was totally gay. he believed her. I know that the REASON he believed her is that he and i had been flirting online. So she went to sleep, he and I played halo on the couch, then I decided that these two deserved eachother, blew him, and vanished into the night

the other weird thing happened when i hooked up with another girl. I was going down on her, shes making lots of noise, suddenly her dog starts whining and scratching outside her bedroom door. It got loud enough to be distracting, and just as im about to say something, she interjects with "he's just used to being in here". I left

The first one made me lose it, especially the last line. The second one... That's fucked.

8-Bit_Jack:
the other weird thing happened when i hooked up with another girl. I was going down on her, shes making lots of noise, suddenly her dog starts whining and scratching outside her bedroom door. It got loud enough to be distracting, and just as im about to say something, she interjects with "he's just used to being in here". I left

Sounds like my cat. She has been known to attempt to cuddle while my spouse and I are having sex. Or, if we try to shut the door, she'll scratch on the door and yowl until we let her in.

I have none, as no sexy times for me :(
However, my best friend has told me of a few, and I have it confirmed from his girlfriend that they are all actually genuine, which frankly astonishes me.

First up, their first time. As I understand it, he got bored of thrusting and started moving to the rhythm of 'drip drip drop little April showers', while singing said song in her ear... She then bit him on the thingy, having no experience in that area and apparently quite a small jaw, at which point they gave up.

Another time, he put a condom on and they started going at it (I think) when he decided to go and look up sex positions on the web. She looked over a minute or so later to see him playing Minecraft.

And finally, the time her mum caught them. They were naked when her mum came into the house, so she said to him to tidy the room up while she quickly put some clothes on and went downstairs to see her mum... when she came back up, he had 'tidied up' by... putting a shirt on and pretending to casually read a magazine on her bed, said magazine conveniently concealing his penis. After which, she had to go and fetch her sister from school, but hadn't had time to find her underwear, resulting in what she tells me was a very strange experience as she walked around knowing she had no underwear on.

Doclector:
I'm twenty one. I haven't had sex.

That, my friends, is embarassing.

Ever tought of hiring a slut?

Hmm... Alright, I guess I'll need to share, since I've read thus far. Was visiting a girl, watching a film, and got a bit intimate. But she'd asked a friend to join us earlier. The friend in question knocked on the door when the girl in question was busy licking my chest... That got awkward, but not very bad. But I don't think the friend noticed.

Other than that, things have pretty much been happening around me, not with me (though there's a sex act you can only find me saying, according to google). The girl from earlier had spent about an hour in a room with a tie on the doorknob. When she got out, she states, in front of about 6 people "I need a toothbrush" before vanishing. Another friend went to high-five the guy, but stopped and went "I'd high five you, but I don't know where your hand's been..."

Ah, good times. :D

raklin:
I had sex in the missionary position for the sole purpose of procreation.

Sir, what were you thinking? I just don't understand why anyone would ever do such things!

Anoni Mus:

Doclector:
I'm twenty one. I haven't had sex.

That, my friends, is embarassing.

Ever tought of hiring a slut?

Yes, but I'm a student. I don't have that kind of money. I don't have any kind of money, coming to think of it.

Doclector:

Anoni Mus:

Doclector:
I'm twenty one. I haven't had sex.

That, my friends, is embarassing.

Ever tought of hiring a slut?

Yes, but I'm a student. I don't have that kind of money. I don't have any kind of money, coming to think of it.

That makes us two. thought i'm not a student, and am looking for work.
btw how would you hipothetically react hiring a whore? Talk normally? Talk like she's your slave? Being honest sayings you're noob? Sounds awkward lol.

wow, captcha is "Life's too short" while moving sideways, is this some kind of sign?

Anoni Mus:

Doclector:

Anoni Mus:

Ever tought of hiring a slut?

Yes, but I'm a student. I don't have that kind of money. I don't have any kind of money, coming to think of it.

That makes us two. thought i'm not a student, and am looking for work.
btw how would you hipothetically react hiring a whore? Talk normally? Talk like she's your slave? Being honest sayings you're noob? Sounds awkward lol.

wow, captcha is "Life's too short" while moving sideways, is this some kind of sign?

I'd say just being honest would be the best course. I mean, it's this woman's job, if you explain, she'd probably be able to do what you wanted better.

This is a strange little conversation. I wonder how long it will be before someone calls me sexist for pointing out that prostitutes (including male ones) have sex with all sorts of people for a living.

Well if you're talking about both the women and men in the profession... I wouldn't say it's sexist. Could be a little discriminatory maybe but eh...

8-Bit_Jack:
one was going over to this girls house, fucking her, then we got dressed and watched a movie on her couch. shortly after the credits rolled, her then-unmentioned boyfriend showed up. she quickly explained i was just a friend from her class, and that i was totally gay. he believed her. I know that the REASON he believed her is that he and i had been flirting online. So she went to sleep, he and I played halo on the couch, then I decided that these two deserved eachother, blew him, and vanished into the night

Ooh, I like this one! Lol...

Slayer_2:
] The first one made me lose it, especially the last line. The second one... That's fucked.

Thanks, i'm kind of proud of that first one :)

Bara_no_Hime:

Sounds like my cat. She has been known to attempt to cuddle while my spouse and I are having sex. Or, if we try to shut the door, she'll scratch on the door and yowl until we let her in.

Yeah, but the WAY she said it... i just really got a "i fuck my dog" vibe.

game-lover:

Ooh, I like this one! Lol...

This hit my inbox as soon as i loaded this page to reply to the others lol

haven't been there, but a friend in High School said she wouldn't mind doing me!

That work?

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