Getting tired of (certain) women.

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Bassik:

BloatedGuppy:

Nope. Its pretty commonplace to walk around doing your own thing and not even look at other people when you are out doing something.

Where do you live, North Korea?

Well, here in Finland everyone are like that. Here, smiling at random people is considered superficial and annoying.

They probably think that because most men are like that. At some point, you might also be like that. I am sometimes like that. The burden of a sex drive but no sex appeal wears on many men. Probably on many women as well, although it seems to be easier to...find someone to...relieve, it with. Something I may make a thread about, I ain't sure about it.

Also, generally, random acts of niceness like a smile and a nod are not usual in this society. When given by people you don't know, they tend to be reacted to with suspicion.

By the way, more a general tip than anything else; Don't try to be normal. You never will be, so you may as well just be yourself.

Bassik:

Well, escapists, thanks for listening.
If you guys have an opinion about this (And this is the internet so you do), please discuss. Maybe I am wrong, maybe it is all in my head.. but I don't think so.

Okay, so for starters maybe some of the shit you are experiencing is tied to your looks, it happens, it can happen a lot, to ignore it and act like everyone is a good person that will see past it is foolish. Sadly you'll just have to get used to it and learn how to deal, not everyone can be born looking like Brad Pitt, I'm guessing you don't have a GF, otherwise you'd have an excellent example of why all women aren't bad (which is the general idea I'm feeling from this). It can be hard to shake that feeling when you have no one, I get it, I've been there.

So basically what you are saying is, pretty girls who you don't know too much about appear to ignore you or are rude, welcome to life, bro. Just be a good person, don't go out of your way for these type of girls though, that's a waste of time. Try to be understanding, a significant number of them may be stuck up, vain bitches but even more of them may be that way because of other guys treating them like shit or creeping on them, you can't completely blame women for this behavior, a lot of us guys are making it worse.

Your coworker not wanting a ride is a little weird but whatever, don't sweat that shit man, maybe she is really not trusting of a lot of people, maybe some shit happened to her at a younger age, don't just assume it is all you.

Some girls do think the world is theirs, so do some guys, you just need to let those people live in their worlds and ignore them, there are good people out here and if you keep your eyes opened and stop being jaded, you may just find some. Anything else you wanna talk about just hit me back.

First of all, her need to protect herself is more important than your feelings. When a woman is assaulted, it's USUALLY by a guy she knows - a friend, coworker or boyfriend, say - and not by some stranger. Yet when guys get a hint (or are told outright) that women don't trust them, they almost always get personally insulted. Get a clue - no woman ever knows 100% for sure if she's safe around a guy (and I'm sure I'll get people arguing with me about that, like, "What if you've been married for 20 years" - yeah, I'm sure she'd trust you at that point, but c'mon) and guys are asses for constantly putting their own egos above the safety and overall welfare of women.

Secondly. An Aspie, huh? I used to know a guy I thought might be an Aspie; he was in my journalism program. He stood too close to you, spoke too loudly, didn't seem to realize what was appropriate or inappropriate to say in any given situation, had a strange, incredibly literal sense of humour and an odd-sounding way of speaking or laughing, prattled on endlessly on subjects no one gave a shit about (often repeating the same point over and over as if it were just as fascinating the second, third, and fourth times as it was the first), and NEVER took the hint to shut up or go away. Maybe he actually wasn't on the autism spectrum; but at the very least, he was very socially awkward.

I realize that's a harsh description, but I want to get across here the way he "looked" to other people. I myself instinctively disliked him at first, thinking he was rude and didn't care about other people (which naturally also made him seem untrustworthy), until the day he mentioned, "When I was a kid, I got tested a lot because they thought I was retarded. But then it turned out I had high intelligence. So then they thought I had ADHD, but I didn't have that, either. Weird, huh?" I have ADHD myself, and I was really socially awkward as a kid because of it, so that made me wonder if he acted that way because he had some sort of condition, and not because he was a terrible person. So I figured I would give him more of a chance.

As it turns out, he was a nice-enough guy to get to know (if kind of exhausting to hang out with), but I don't think anyone else in our journalism course found that out. Everyone seemed to hate him. They clearly thought he was deliberately rude (although I don't think it was actually ever deliberate on his part), plus his being hard to "read" socially (because he didn't act normally) probably also made him seem creepy and potentially dangerous. When he announced to everyone that he'd gotten a girlfriend, people joked behind his back, "Yeah, he tied up a girl in his basement. She's probably screaming for help right now." They made an immediate mental leap between his weird/unreadable way of interacting and the idea that he might be violent and unstable.

Maybe that's not "fair," but that's the way it is. If you are also weird and hard to read socially, people are probably more inclined to distrust you, too. If they have no way to "read" you, then they have no way to know if you are lying or telling the truth, or what any of your actions might mean - that's potentially scary. If you have a hard time taking a cue to leave people alone, they probably try to avoid getting into any interaction with you in the first place.

And in the case of a pretty woman, she probably gets approached by guys she has to turn away all the time. Add to that a creepy/unreadable guy who doesn't take the hint to leave, and she's probably going to stare straight ahead and pretend not to notice you when you meet, because she's hoping TO NOT ATTRACT YOUR ATTENTION so she doesn't have to go to tremendous effort trying to get rid of you - you, who seem untrustworthy in the first place.

Wenseph:
[snip...

oh boy..now I look like a right ass...

I was just very angrey at the time of typing..is all

Hagi:
Right...

Here's what I think is happening.

So OP no worries, nothing's wrong. Just try to actively pay attention to the women who don't react in that way.

To many of the other posters: stop dramatizing things so much. Not every story has a villain and a hero. Sometimes simple things just happen.

The best advice on this thread.

Also on the second point. NO! I REFUSE! EVERYTHING IN THIS MAGICAL STORY CALLED LIFE MUST HAVE A GOODIE AND A BADDIE.

Some girls overreact to common curtousy. I've met them before, where you say hello and they flip out over how you've insulted their honor and you must commit sepuku to attone for your transgression. The kinda person who you lock eyes with accross a classroom with out of fleeting coincidence, give a polite smile to and then move on, and they have to make a fucking fiasco of it. It has nothing to do with gender, there're men who do it too. They're just assholes is all.

First off, I'd like to state the following:

Ohmigod, I'm agreeing with BloatedGuppy! ON ALL ACCOUNTS! Is there hope for world peace, now? Something? Please?

No? Well, shit.

As for the topic; the idea that men have to nod their head and tip their hats in the presence of the fairer sex is gone. Gone, vaporized and obliterated. In today's day and age, at least out in the street, there is no such thing as genteel courtesy. At least, not beyond acknowledging someone's gender correctly. We've all turned into this big, formless gray mush that absolutely hates being looked at.

In most Western societies and the developed nations of the East, we're all groomed to want our personal space and to want to protect it. Including someone else in your personal space involves and is not limited to entering touching distance, standing within a certain radius outside of certain constraints and, yes, maintaining eye contact.

I'm generally socially awkward and I have an incredible knack for not recognizing people I've known for ages, while confusing complete strangers for my own parents. I kid you not. Thanks to these issues of mine, I can tell you without a doubt that nobody will *ever* reply to your smile and nod if they haven't initiated it themselves. If you're holding onto fairly antiquated notions of gentility because, hey, they're women so it kinda makes sense, well, you're actually being a teensy bit sexist by today's standards. Rare are today's women who'll go "Oh, how nice of this complete stranger to invade my personal space just to say hello!"

If you had to go around nodding and saying hello to everyone, you'd never get anything done, as someone else has said. Save the whole doffing-your-hat thing and the "G'day, ma'am"'s for something like a Steampunk LARP.

FOR THE OP MAINLY:

Wow... talk about some condescending, self-righteous responses. Oh, and some armchair psychology too, very clever.

Rather than patronise you and blow your odd bits of venting out of proportion, I'm just going to suggest you take a step back and try a more objective perspective (which is difficult for most ppl, btw, so don't sweat it that you didn't see it first):

When it comes to common courtsies and small gestures of social interaction, yes some posters are right, there can be all kinds of reasons why people don't respond to you. They could be stressed with their mind else where; they could be having a bad day/ shy/ anxious personality types who find social interaction with strangers uncomfortable; and they may be ignoring you simply to try to suggest they're more important to you. Here's why it doesn't matter: You most likely won't deal with them in any signifcant way again, and their opinion of you based on the minimal amount they can guess about you based on your looks is really very meaningless. Based on their appearances Guthrie Govan (look him up he's awesome) and Peter Jackson look like a pair of scruffy hippies. in fact, some people may assume their homeless drug or drink addicts without any knowledge of them. They're both outstanding in their respective fields of work, and many other people in their industry and I expect their homelife show them plenty of respect and friendliness because of who they are, their perserverance, dedication, skill, enthusiasm etc. That's the only kind of respect that actually counts. Any idiot can get a posh haircut or buy/ have bought for them an expensive jacket. So on the odd occasion when someone IS snubbing you based on your outer appearance alone, see it for what it is: short sighted, stupid judgement by a short sighted, stupid person. In any case, you may be better off restricting you casual smiles to people who smile at you first, or people you at least know a little. If someone you know repeatedly snubs you, stop bothering with them, they aren't a worthy friend of aquaintance.

As for you co-worker, to be honest, I'd say she was pretty rude with that response of 'I don't trust you' => 'I think you might try to hurt me' to be honest (I suppose it could be argued that you set yourself up for that response by asking why; but if I offered someone a lift, they said "no" and I said something casual like "Why not, it's no touble I have to go to town anyway"; and got a response along the lines of "You might rape me!" I'd probably say "Excuse me!? Is that some kind of stupid joke!?"). People can rant on about rape statistics etc, but realistically; it's unlikely that someone planning a rape or attack would attack a person in the middle of the day (I assume she works in the day) when there are people around; at a time when she is expected somewhere, and people may call to find out why she hasn't arrived; from her own house where her neighbours may see the person picking her up; when she knows the person and her workplace knows the person who's planning to attack her and where he lives; in an age with a high level of forensic science. It just appears to me that that would be a pretty shit plan for anyone planning to get away with rape/ murder. So I think we can safely assume one of two options: She's either pretty stupid and easily influenced by shock media; or her head's so far up her own arse, she genuinely thinks she's outright sexually irresistible to her colleagues. Either way, this is not a woman you want to spend much time with. My advice is to act professional around her (i.e. don't look for arguments with her), but don't go out of your way for her or do her any favours unless you really have to for your employer and the general running of things at your workplace. If she asks for a favour say 'sorry I'm busy'/ 'sorry I'm on lunch'. If she was just being arrogant, she'll hopefully take the hint that you don't think she's as special as she thinks she is and (fingers crossed) matures.

As a rule of thumb, I'd advise not expecting too much in the way of maturity or decent attitude from showy or ostentatious people (i.e. people who appear to be exceptionally fashion obssessed or keen for attention through clothes, jewellery, make up etc). There ARE exceptions, but the majority in my experience are quite shallow and egotistical and rude. The best way to deal with these people is to reflect their behaviour back at them and never treat them as if they're special. Some actually get visibly upset, which is very funny (you can call me 'immature' all you want fellow posters, I'm not one for tolerating the unpleasant). All they people I've developed happy friendships or relationships with have been people who show a strong interest in non-materialistic things, like a sport, instrument, art etc. They aren't hyper competetive and they do show a strong ability to empathise with others. I'd recommend you look for similar people. They're easiest to find at organised activity groups and sometimes at work too.

Also, ignore the people on here making a big deal out of aspergers. I've met a handful of aspies and autistic people in my life. The majority of them were perfectly pleasant people at heart. Some were a little intense or socially awkward at times, but honestly any mature developed adult should be able to cope with interacting with the majority of sufferers without having to shun them. it really isn't anywhere near the chore some people are making it out to be. If you find yourself repeatedly having difficulty in most of your social interaction, it may be worth talking to your GP about having some kind of social interaction workshops with someone with specialist knowledge of your condition, to make life a bit easier for you.

FOR PEOPLE WHO SEE BRIEF SOCIAL INTERACTION WITH STRANGERS AS A GRIEVOUS BURDEN READ HERE (warning, it might go from long-winded-and-shit to occasionally-mildly-amusing. Watch out!):

Oh talking of chores: Off on a tangent now to the whole common courtesy with strangers thing (yes, I am this bored and awake right now {living in UK}). I honestly fail to see the strenuous effort required in smiling back at some one who smiles at you in the street. Granted you aren't legally bound to respond, but it's just a respectful and courteous gesture to do so. I'm going to offer up a couple of common scenarios to encourage you to my thinking:

1) It's a busy day, lots of people are walking down the street and your on your way to the bank (1/2 mile walk). On the way, 7 people smile and nod at you as they walk past, each at different stages at your journey (that's a lot more than is probable for a UK city in my opinion). You pass four of them, you see all four, and you gently smile back, making eye contact as you do so. You look forward again and continue. You do not need to stop in this process, you continue walking as you are smiling, each smile takes less than 3 seconds. You maintain your train of thought, thinking about whether Tanya from East Enders will be able to reconcile with her husband, because you're a grown-up, not a toddler. You can cope with the complicated co-ordination of walking, smiling and contemplating the future of East Enders. Ultimately, no time has been lost in these diversions.

The 5th man approaches you after smiling. Statistics say that both of these men will rape you, despite there being just one (even if you're male). But fortunately your rationale mind recognises that this is a busy city street with lots of witnesses and CCTV cameras. You realise that if he were a rapist with a penchant for high-risk attacks, he probably wouldn't make you aware of his prescense, nor encourage you to look at his face. He turns out to be offering up religious pamphlets. You reply politely "I'm sorry, but I'm already late for something and can't stop". Again, you make eye contact and smile as you do this, accepting one of his pamphlets and dropping it in the next bin. You're understandably a little irritated at being blind sighted with an offer for something you didn't want, but you don't get angry, because it took you 5-6 seconds to say that line, and you only had to stop for 2. Despite being a mild bother, you recognise he is still a human being and treated him a such. It takes you 6 seconds to remember Tanya from East Enders.

You recognise the 6th man as a Big Issue seller and he smiles just as you get close to him. You smile and make eye contact back. You don't stick your nose up in the air and blank him like the many people before you; making a point that they see him as a lesser member of society than themselves. You recognise that he too is a human being, and there are many reasons that he may be homeless, many of which may not be his fault. When you pass him and he offers you a copy, you say 'No Thankyou', making eye contact again. This is not the response he wants, but he appreciates you treating him as an equal in a dignified manner, rather than as an inanimate object in your way. This verbal statement has cost you 2 seconds of time. It would have in fact, cost you more time to change your path to avoid walking close to him; not to mention more distracting ad you navigate you movement through other people. The short, automatic verbal reply does not disrupt you main train of thought, which has moved from EastEnders to whether or not you remembered the list of ISA accounts you were interested in at the bank.

The 7th person is a lost tourist. They ask you where something is. you could probably tell them, but really don't have time or you might miss your appointment at the bank. You stop briefly and say, "I'm sorry, I don't know, you could try asking in that shop". you point at the nearest shop. Stopping, listening to the toursist and talking to them has taken a little under 10 seconds. It takes you 5 seconds to remember to double check for that list of savings accounts in your pocket

Your total time spent showing others basic courtesy totals to: (6+2+6) for the religious man + 2 for the Big Issue man + 15 for the tourist = 31 seconds including train of thought regaining time. For that 31 seconds of time you got to treat 7 people in a respectful decent manner, which was pleasant for them and in turn pleasant for you, because you're the kind of person who likes to show kindness to people. Had you not spent that time you could have: waited: for you computer to fully boot up and internet explorer to load or: tied your shoe laces twice or: Listen to BBC Radio One tell you you're listening to it. Not exactly the greatest loss, is it?

2) Bus stops (d/w this on'es shorter): To prevent people talking to you, you can:

a) stick your headphones in, with or without music on. It is rare people will bother you unless it is a relatively important question and there's no one to ask.

b) Play with your phone aimlessly. People may talk to you, though unlikely, in which case you can say: "Sorry, I don't want to be rude, but I'm in the middle of organising something right now, could you ask someone else?"

If you have none of these things, but still don't want to be talked to, you can generally look away from the other waiters. If someone approaches you anyway, you can reply with "I'm sorry, but I've got a presentation to do in a couple of hours, and I like to rehearse it in my head before-hand". Hell, you could even say "Sorry, but I'm not in the most talkative mood at the moment, could you speak to someone else".

But to be honest, if it's the most common perpetrator of this heinous crime: An elderly man or woman, who's probably just feeling a little isolated, because that's not uncommong for older people, is it so hard to engage them in light conversation for 5 or so minutes while you do nothing waiting for the bus. Some of them are actually quite interesting, with, ya know, 30 or 40 odd years of life experience over you.

Obviously exceptions such as a dead or dying relative, recent divorce/ breakup; financial disaster; walking home in the dead of night when there's no one around and it's more likely a person may actually want to draw you in to mug you etc, are quite understandable, but these cases really are in the minority. For an average person on an average day, it takes a minute amount of time and energy to show strangers basic manner or common courteseys. You probably several fold more time taking in advertising each day. Excluding the odd bad day where you really won't want to interact with people, I can't come up with any other reason to object to replying common courtesies other than: 'Because if I snub strangers, it makes them feel unwelcome, unimpotant and ignored, which makes me feel better about myself!'.

Oh final note: I'll get some smart arse saying: 'But if you engage with them, they'll come up to you and they won't leave you alone!' This usually only happens with charity collecters (more frequently female rather than male for me, for some reason), and it's not that common. My routine is:

They ask for money, I say 'I'm sorry, I'm late already'/ 'No thankyou'

They follow and ask again, I say: 'Not today thankyou'

third time: I stop, I look them in the eye I say: 'I'M BUSY. LEAVE ME ALONE!'

Rarely been asked 3 times, this has never failed when I have.

I'm finally sleepy now. 'Night. (OHHH! SEE THAT! OHH LOOK AT THAT COMMON COURTESY OF BIDDING YOU GOOD NIGHT BEFORE I LEFT, DESPITE THE FACT MOST OF YOU DON'T CARE! WANNA KNOW HOW LONG IT TOOK! 3 seconds. This shit is easy, people.)

Bassik:
Hello escapists,

This is kind of a hard and personal thing to talk about, but I do wish to discuss it.
It's about women.
Not all of them, off course, but most of them.

Here's the thing, I have Asperger's syndrome, am shorter then most people, and kind of a weirdo.
So I have always felled different from my peers.
But lately I have noticed that a certain type of female has some strange aversion to me.
I think we all know the type: average intelligence, pretty, big social life but intellectually starving. There is no way I want to be with people like them, but I am still nice and polite to them, because that is my nature.

But lateley, I've been noticing how many of them react to me. As if they think I want more then just a smile or a nod. Like I am some kind of sex guy that wants to get into their panties by being nice to them, you know what I mean?
A friendly smile on the street is usually greeted here, but not by these women. They just ignore you; stare straight ahead as if you weren't there. Since I started noticing this, I realised this happens daily!

Another example would be a collegue I worked with for 4 months. She missed her bus, lived in my area, so I offered to give her a ride.
She told me no, and when I asked why she told me she doesn't trust me very much, as if I am some kind of sicko.

And this goes on, and on, and on. So yeah, I have gotten sick and tired of that type of woman.
They believe the whole world is there just for them, and never apriciate anything guys like me do for them, ever.

Well, escapists, thanks for listening.
If you guys have an opinion about this (And this is the internet so you do), please discuss. Maybe I am wrong, maybe it is all in my head.. but I don't think so.

Hey, dude I've got the exact same issue and I'm 20 now still get the whole "weird" feeling I thought I'd of gotten past that and I've tried to change but I don't feel that I act in a certain way so I don't know what I myself can change.

I do get slightly bothered by it, but I've started enjoying being weird that's who I am so I'm going to rock it hard.

Oh and, that smile and a nod thing? I swear when I do that it sounds like I've literally done something like that one particular caption "You gon get raped" Personally, don't see what part of me portrays that sort of vibe, haters gonna hate.

Phasmal:

Bassik:

Also, have you considered that you might just be acting kind of creepy? Do you go around smiling at dudes?

Smile, nod, greet... it's normal here.

On the street?
How do you get shit done?

I can tell you, as a woman, its more annoying to have some random dude come up to you and start talking to you. Just cause I'm a lady doesn't mean I have to give a shit. (People always talk to me at bus stops. I hate it).

Thats nothing to do with you being a lady, thats normal human behavior to talk to others in public spaces, silences bother people for some reason

The growing theme throughout this thread has been that we no longer treat certain public spaces as places where we could potentially meet new people. I've actually struggled with this over the past year myself, coming out of a very long term relationship and moving home twice for jobs, in the same period.

OP: The kind of social interaction your looking for is, franky, if not inappropriate then certainly almost impossible on the street. Other places where you can basically no longer meet new people are: On public transport, in cafes, pubs/bars, in parks/on beaches, basically anywhere that it's 'free' to get into.

You need to save your desire for social recognition and interaction for places like clubs (I used to hate clubbing, but find a place that plays your sort of music and you'll be away), or 'forced social gatherings' such as joinable groups or societies.

It's simply a sad fact of life that nowadays, people just don't want other random people talking to them or looking at them unless they have made some sort of action signifying their desire to interact, by going to a club or joining a group.

Bassik:

What... acknowledging each others existence takes like a second, and most people do it here. I thought all small towns and villages were like that?

It is here, everyone in my small village greets one another because it's the polite thing to do. There's nothing wrong with greeting someone in the same area as you, it's just a way of making friends and presenting yourself as a decent person.

Frankly the only reason I wouldn't greet someone is if I were living in larger towns with too many people to greet... Ignore the people saying it's misogynistic behaviour and get on with your life.

Bassik:
Another example would be a collegue I worked with for 4 months. She missed her bus, lived in my area, so I offered to give her a ride.
She told me no, and when I asked why she told me she doesn't trust me very much, as if I am some kind of sicko.

I was thinking at first that you were just misreading people and that you were seeing disinterest or lack of noticing you as a negative.

Then I read the paragraph above. If someone you have been working with for 4 months doesn't trust you enough for a ride home you are broadcasting some nasty vibes. There must be something in the way you put yourself forward as friendly that creates the wrong message and is putting you in the creepy camp. You need to ask female friends you do have for honest feedback on this situation so that they can help you through your particular issues.

BloatedGuppy:

Okay...

1. This is textbook misogyny.
2. That's not unusual. Most guys, especially socially maladroit guys, will go through a phase where they exhibit textbook misogyny. You see it on this site all the time. It doesn't mean it's alright, or defensible, but it IS something you will likely grow out of.
3. You don't really know anything about these women, or their thought processes. You are projecting your own insecurities onto them.
4. Any time you try to make generalizations about "most of" any group, be it designated by gender, or race, or religion, or whichever signifier you choose, you are engaging in prejudice.
5. If you're finding that people tend to have a mistrustful attitude towards you, the BEST and ONLY thing you can do is try and figure out what it is ABOUT YOU that is causing this to happen.

I love you, I want to copy and paste this onto 90% of the threads on this site.
But I won't, because that's rude.
But I will give you a golf clap *clapclapclapclap

People in general give less of a shit about people they don't know.

A decade ago I could walk down a street in my village (pop ~2000) and say good morning to someone I didn't know and they would usually say it back. Now you get viewed with suspicion.

VivaciousDeimos:

Phasmal:

Bassik:
Snip

On the street?
How do you get shit done?

I can tell you, as a woman, its more annoying to have some random dude come up to you and start talking to you. Just cause I'm a lady doesn't mean I have to give a shit. (People always talk to me at bus stops. I hate it).

Oh god, bus stops. I lived in Honolulu for a year; I could write a fucking book on all the awkward conversation people would try and make (as could anyone who lives in a big enough city, I'm sure). Do you not see the headphones? Leave me alone.

You sure about that? I've lived on Oahu for almost entire life and that's never happened to me before (different story on the other islands, but Honolulu falls under city behavior). Happened to me all the time when I was going to school in Oregon for a year though, so I suppose it might've just been that we had an out-of-towner look to us.

Danny Ocean:

It sucks to be considered a potential rapist until proven trustworthy.

I reserve my right to do this. Rape is one of the more scary potential dangers to me, and considering my height and build, more men are going to be able to physically overpower me than women. And honestly, even the people in the "trustworthy" category are possible dangers, with trusted men being statistically a greater rape threat.

The heart of the matter though: everyone is a potential threat. Yeah, a big strong guy could come and rape me, but a preteen girl could pull a gun and shoot me, too, and I'd be just (if not more) helpless.
I'm not going to treat people like rapists or murderers just because there is some kind of physical possibility of that occurring, but I'm not going to stop being cautious just because it makes some people uncomfortable with my thinking that way. Just don't take it personally.

Gottesstrafe:

VivaciousDeimos:

Phasmal:

On the street?
How do you get shit done?

I can tell you, as a woman, its more annoying to have some random dude come up to you and start talking to you. Just cause I'm a lady doesn't mean I have to give a shit. (People always talk to me at bus stops. I hate it).

Oh god, bus stops. I lived in Honolulu for a year; I could write a fucking book on all the awkward conversation people would try and make (as could anyone who lives in a big enough city, I'm sure). Do you not see the headphones? Leave me alone.

You sure about that? I've lived on Oahu for almost entire life and that's never happened to me before (different story on the other islands, but Honolulu falls under city behavior). Happened to me all the time when I was going to school in Oregon for a year though, so I suppose it might've just been that we had an out-of-towner look to us.

*shrugs* Maybe. I can only speak to what my experience was. I remember once I was at the bus terminal at Ala Moana waiting for one to get back to Kaneohe. A guy sits down next to me, tells me he likes my hair, asks me if I'd ever considered modeling/photography, informs me he's a photographer and would love to take my picture. And I could bring a friend. I respond politely but firmly in the negative. My bus arrives; guy gets on the same bus, sits near me, and starts asking me what music I like, while I'm trying to listen to said music.

It's just frustrating. I understand the whole "it's only common courtesy" thing, and I respect that to a degree. I definitely try and be courteous when I can and if someone is lost or needs help I'll try and help, but being polite certainly didn't gut the above mentioned guy to back off. He was the worst, but there were others, and after so many times your default state just sort of becomes one of "please, leave me alone".

Erana:

Danny Ocean:

It sucks to be considered a potential rapist until proven trustworthy.

I reserve my right to do this. Rape is one of the more scary potential dangers to me, and considering my height and build, more men are going to be able to physically overpower me than women. And honestly, even the people in the "trustworthy" category are possible dangers, with trusted men being statistically a greater rape threat.

There's a quote from Gavin De Becker I'm rather fond of, "It is understandable that the perspectives of men and women on safety are so different--men and women live in different worlds...at core, men are afraid women will laugh at them, while at core, women are afraid men will kill them."

Like I said above, I try and be polite when I can, so if the worst I have to do to someone is be rude to them to preserve my safety, then I don't really feel that bad.

There's only one type of women I absolutely loathe. The "Chivalry if I like it, chauvinism if I don't" type.

Erana:

I reserve my right to do this. Rape is one of the more scary potential dangers to me, and considering my height and build, more men are going to be able to physically overpower me than women. And honestly, even the people in the "trustworthy" category are possible dangers, with trusted men being statistically a greater rape threat.

Well, I'm not going to argue your right to assume every man you ever meet a potential rapist, but I don't really understand why you'd do that. I mean, sure, being cautious is all good and well, but the way you put it there borders on paranoid and I could tell you a thing or two about that *cough* Such as, it really can mess up my stuff >.< Paranoia, I mean.

Erana:

Danny Ocean:

It sucks to be considered a potential rapist until proven trustworthy.

I reserve my right to do this. Rape is one of the more scary potential dangers to me, and considering my height and build, more men are going to be able to physically overpower me than women. And honestly, even the people in the "trustworthy" category are possible dangers, with trusted men being statistically a greater rape threat.

The heart of the matter though: everyone is a potential threat. Yeah, a big strong guy could come and rape me, but a preteen girl could pull a gun and shoot me, too, and I'd be just (if not more) helpless.
I'm not going to treat people like rapists or murderers just because there is some kind of physical possibility of that occurring, but I'm not going to stop being cautious just because it makes some people uncomfortable with my thinking that way. Just don't take it personally.

Statistically, you're more likely to be sexually assaulted by a male family member or friend.

But I also know that statistics matter very little to an individual and it saddens me to think that some women feel the need to be on edge all the time.

This isn't your fault, of course, and I can't imagine what it's like. I'm a tall, well built, white male, so in terms of victimology, I'm hardly an ideal subject.

I hate that we still live in a society where a woman can't walk the streets without feeling threatened.

Ever since I moved to the big city, I've been consistently surprised by one thing. Why do people look at me in terror when I smile at them in the street, on the tram? Do smiles scare people? Do they fear their fellow members of the public? Even the friendly ones?

Make some eye contact, act friendly, acknowledge their existence and you can see their heart-rate quicken in worry.

The looks, "omg I am going to die", "who is this weirdo". It makes you wonder about the mental states of people around you, how scared they must be.

200lb boxer is sad...

Daystar Clarion:

Erana:

Danny Ocean:

It sucks to be considered a potential rapist until proven trustworthy.

I reserve my right to do this. Rape is one of the more scary potential dangers to me, and considering my height and build, more men are going to be able to physically overpower me than women. And honestly, even the people in the "trustworthy" category are possible dangers, with trusted men being statistically a greater rape threat.

The heart of the matter though: everyone is a potential threat. Yeah, a big strong guy could come and rape me, but a preteen girl could pull a gun and shoot me, too, and I'd be just (if not more) helpless.
I'm not going to treat people like rapists or murderers just because there is some kind of physical possibility of that occurring, but I'm not going to stop being cautious just because it makes some people uncomfortable with my thinking that way. Just don't take it personally.

Statistically, you're more likely to be sexually assaulted by a male family member or friend.

But I also know that statistics matter very little to an individual and it saddens me to think that some women feel the need to be on edge all the time.

This isn't your fault, of course, and I can't imagine what it's like. I'm a tall, well built, white male, so in terms of victimology, I'm hardly an ideal subject.

I hate that we still live in a society where a woman can't walk the streets without feeling threatened.

It is indeed a sad state of affairs. Seeing rapists everywhere.

I say old chap:
Ever since I moved to the big city, I've been consistently surprised by one thing. Why do people look at me in terror when I smile at them in the street, on the tram? Do smiles scare people? Do they fear their fellow members of the public? Even the friendly ones?

Make some eye contact, act friendly, acknowledge their existence and you can see their heart-rate quicken in worry.

The looks, "omg I am going to die", "who is this weirdo". It makes you wonder about the mental states of people around you, how scared they must be.

200lbs boxer is sad...

Well, as someone who lives near a city, there are two types of people who smile at you on the streets.

People trying to get sell/get you to sign up for a charity.

And those guys who ask you for money because 'they only need another quid for their bus/ train ticket'.

Smiling people in the city are never a good sign.

Phasmal:

Bassik:

Also, have you considered that you might just be acting kind of creepy? Do you go around smiling at dudes?

Smile, nod, greet... it's normal here.

On the street?
How do you get shit done?

I can tell you, as a woman, its more annoying to have some random dude come up to you and start talking to you. Just cause I'm a lady doesn't mean I have to give a shit. (People always talk to me at bus stops. I hate it).

Yeah I hate it when people try to interact with me as well, or complement me, or acknowledge my existence. It's such an annoyance to be wanted, sought after, or liked. Ugly people think they have it hard? They don't know the half of it! Try being beautiful for a day; being adored by those you find repulsive, it's just so gross! One time I was at the bus stop and this BALD man complemented my long glorious blonde hair so I was like "uh, whatever" then I spit right in his face. How dare he speak to me! These uglies just don't understand what a total burden this is.

Yeah, although in melbourne, the beggars are more mewling, oh woe is me types.

I am clearly not a charity worker. :)

It is just something differentiating the city to the small towns I grew up in. Where you could smile, say hello and no one would die of a heart attack or lose it.

Still, the good news for the main initial poster, is that meeting people is possible. Try clubs of a variety of interests, there people lower their guard a bit and feel surrounded by the like minded.

Smiling people in the city can be a good sign! Of friendly people. :D

TheVioletBandit:

Phasmal:

Bassik:

Smile, nod, greet... it's normal here.

On the street?
How do you get shit done?

I can tell you, as a woman, its more annoying to have some random dude come up to you and start talking to you. Just cause I'm a lady doesn't mean I have to give a shit. (People always talk to me at bus stops. I hate it).

Yeah I hate it when people try to interact with me as well, or complement me, or acknowledge my existence. It's such an annoyance to be wanted, sought after, or liked. Ugly people think they have it hard? They don't know the half of it! Try being beautiful for a day; being adored by those you find repulsive, it's just so gross! One time I was at the bus stop and this BALD man complemented my long glorious blonde hair so I was like "uh, whatever" then I spit right in his face. How dare he speak to me! These uglies just don't understand what a total burden this is.

The princess is full of wrath.
Nice one. Some people are so ready to attack with bile.

TheVioletBandit:

Phasmal:

Bassik:

Smile, nod, greet... it's normal here.

On the street?
How do you get shit done?

I can tell you, as a woman, its more annoying to have some random dude come up to you and start talking to you. Just cause I'm a lady doesn't mean I have to give a shit. (People always talk to me at bus stops. I hate it).

Yeah I hate it when people try to interact with me as well, or complement me, or acknowledge my existence. It's such an annoyance to be wanted, sought after, or liked. Ugly people think they have it hard? They don't know the half of it! Try being beautiful for a day; being adored by those you find repulsive, it's just so gross! One time I was at the bus stop and this BALD man complemented my long glorious blonde hair so I was like "uh, whatever" then I spit right in his face. How dare he speak to me! These uglies just don't understand what a total burden this is.

Hyperbole is fun eh?

It's a cultural thing. Phasmal is British, as am I, and as British people, we only have a certain amount of good cheer available to us.

We don't waste it on strangers.

No, but seriously, we just don't care to talk to strangers unless it's about how bad the weather is. We like to keep to ourselves, so when strangers engage us in conversation, it kind of catches us off guard.

This is all when you're out and about. In the pub, we have different rules :D

RickyRich:
I have a question for you. Why do you care? People will always think what they want and sometimes there is no changing it, plus it's not a big deal. No need to sweat the small stuff.

And it's all small stuff. BAM!

I'm going to reiterate the point that, in most places, a woman offered a lift by a strange man (or even a man they don't know extremely well) is going to be FREAKING TERRIFIED. That has nothing to do with you in specific, OP . We would have no idea what your actual intentions are. We're taught from when we're very young not to trust automatically.

Isn't that just so sad? Probably not psychologically healthy either. Mmmmmm unnecessary stress and fear (I am aware there are psychos and untrustworthy sorts, but it's a see the wheat from the chaff issue for me).

Gerishnakov:
The growing theme throughout this thread has been that we no longer treat certain public spaces as places where we could potentially meet new people. I've actually struggled with this over the past year myself, coming out of a very long term relationship and moving home twice for jobs, in the same period.

OP: The kind of social interaction your looking for is, franky, if not inappropriate then certainly almost impossible on the street. Other places where you can basically no longer meet new people are: On public transport, in cafes, pubs/bars, in parks/on beaches, basically anywhere that it's 'free' to get into.

You need to save your desire for social recognition and interaction for places like clubs (I used to hate clubbing, but find a place that plays your sort of music and you'll be away), or 'forced social gatherings' such as joinable groups or societies.

It's simply a sad fact of life that nowadays, people just don't want other random people talking to them or looking at them unless they have made some sort of action signifying their desire to interact, by going to a club or joining a group.

That just sounds shitty and sad. I have had the same friends since I was twelve and the same girlfriend forever so I have no idea what it's like to try to meet new people. This is good to know I guess, but still sad.

I'd say not public transport, that doesn't always go so well (they might think you are some type of bandit trying to hold them up). I've nearly caused heart attacks saying hi on trams. Clubs, make friendships at any uni classes you are taking, pubs for sure. Cafes can be good too, chat to the barista, chat to the patrons.

How people observe a friendly person is also revealing how people may view any attention. I have a number of friends and acquaintances at a certain uni. If I see them, I stop in to say hi. If other people are there on shift, I will say hi to them too. Now this can initially be awkward and some people just don't know what to do (where is the manual, pass me the manual!), but its all a slowly getting through barrier sort of thing. Gradually they become friends or at least acquaintances. Some have assumed, when I am talking to an attractive woman for instance, that I am trying to pick her up, and that I am therefore dodgy (I am married). That is not my actual intent, I just like walking around and chatting to friends, but sometimes it gets seen that way. Then you have to correct would be gossipers.

A word of warning though, some clubs have very... liberal views on contact. So for instance a gay friend of mine goes to a gay choir. He is just there to sing, but the number of times he has been slapped on the arse and had his assets appreciated. Not my type of scene, that's sexual assault, but there it is oooookay... apparently. Different places different norms!

Daystar Clarion:

TheVioletBandit:

Phasmal:

On the street?
How do you get shit done?

I can tell you, as a woman, its more annoying to have some random dude come up to you and start talking to you. Just cause I'm a lady doesn't mean I have to give a shit. (People always talk to me at bus stops. I hate it).

Yeah I hate it when people try to interact with me as well, or complement me, or acknowledge my existence. It's such an annoyance to be wanted, sought after, or liked. Ugly people think they have it hard? They don't know the half of it! Try being beautiful for a day; being adored by those you find repulsive, it's just so gross! One time I was at the bus stop and this BALD man complemented my long glorious blonde hair so I was like "uh, whatever" then I spit right in his face. How dare he speak to me! These uglies just don't understand what a total burden this is.

Hyperbole is fun eh?

It's a cultural thing. Phasmal is British, as am I, and as British people, we only have a certain amount of good cheer available to us.

We don't waste it on strangers.

No, but seriously, we just don't care to talk to strangers unless it's about how bad the weather is. We like to keep to ourselves, so when strangers engage us in conversation, it kind of catches us off guard.

This is all when you're out and about. In the pub, we have different rules :D

I'm British and I use the automated checkout so I don't even have to talk to the checkout lady.

Strangers...are strange.

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