Being cheated on

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So, my boyfriend cheated on me. He confessed to it, which I suppose makes it easier than discovering the truth yourself.

I could go into more detail, but I'm not really looking for advice, I'm just looking for people's views on, and personal experiences with, infidelity.

I figure it's a good a topic for a thread as any, and I could gain something useful from it, I suppose.

I had a girlfriend cheat on me with 2 guys at once. While she was sober. Because I was young(er) and stupid and "in love" I forgave her. She then left me for one of those guys about a month later... That was a happy chapter in my life.

LooK iTz Jinjo:
I had a girlfriend cheat on me with 2 guys at once. While she was sober.

LooK iTz Jinjo:
I had a girlfriend cheat on me with 2 guys at once.

Holy fuck dude. I think I would have slapped that bitch. (Not that its the right thing to do, just saying.)

OT: I got cheated on once, never cheated on anyone. Twas my fault really, I just broke up with her when I found out, the whole thing was over even before that anyway. Still pissed me off really bad.

A few years back I moved to another city with my bf at the time and we got an apartment together. After almost 4 years, I found out he was cheating on me. One afternoon I was at home and the phone rang, and it was the person he was having the affair with. I guess he had been using a fake name, so when the person on the line asked if "Mark" was home I said, "Sorry, wrong number.". The person then went on to say that they had the right number, and went on to describe my bf in detail, as well as what our apartment looked like. Soooo..not only was my bf sleeping around using a fake name, he had this person over to our place and was probably having sex with them in our bed.

Needless to say, it was a very terrible revelation and it turned my world upside down. I phoned up my friend from the city I had moved away from, and told him what was happening. We decided to hatch a plan to get my ass out of there and go back home. See, as far as I was concerned at that point the relationship was over and I could not trust that bastard to safely negotiate a reasonable split. I just had to get out ASAP.

The plan was for my friend to rent a small moving truck and drive over to get me and my stuff then leave. I had to wait a week for this to happen, mostly for finances, which was also extremely difficult having to pretend to that cheating loser I was living with that everything was fine. I wanted nothing more than to freak out and punch him, but I had to keep my cool. If he was going to screw around on me in my own home, use an alias, and all of that then I was going to end this and leave on my terms, not his.

So the afternoon previous to moving day, I wired the money to my friend so he could get a truck rental and then pay for the ferry and gas to get to where I was. At that point I was committed, as I took several hundred dollars out of my shared account to cover those costs. If my bf saw that, it would be very messy and hard to explain. That was a very stressful night, hoping he wouldn't find out. The next morning he went to work, and my friend pulled up 2 hours after that.

I only took what was mine, my clothes, my artwork and some personal effects. I didn't want anything we bought together that might cause arguments later. I wanted it clearly obvious that I only wanted my possessions. And, I left a scathing note, pretty much a fuck you message. My friend and I got into the truck with my stuff and we caught the next ferry to head back to my real home.

It was difficult, but sometimes you have to do what you need to for self-preservation. Although the period after that was emotionally traumatic, I pulled out of it and a year later I was enrolled in university and had completely turned my life around. I turned the whole process and event into an opportunity for change. Two years after I left him, I met the love of my life and we've been together for over a decade now.

So far as I am concerned, an act of infidelity is, while deplorable, forgivable (at least on its own if other details are ignored). While a person can gladly and willingly offer one's heart and mind exclusively to one other individual, getting the part of the brain controlling baser functions to shut the hell up about the pretty/handsome (wo)man at work and get in line with the rest is... difficult to accomplish for even the most disciplined of human beings. This is unfortunately especially true for us men, we're wired to spread ourselves out, while women are wired to cling to a single partner.

What is unforgivable about such acts in my opinion is lying to your partner, whether about your feelings for them waning, an infatuation for someone else, an infatuation that has been... satisfied with someone else, whatever. Dishonesty is the real relationship killer, and worse still, it can cause a great deal of pain to someone who cares for you.

I can't really say how I would react. It is a betrayal of trust but then there are different degrees of cheating. If you're away from each other a lot and he/she has sex with someone random, then I'm not sure it's such a big deal. I'm not saying it would be easy, but I think I'd be able to forgive that. When it's more than once, and with the same third party, that's when it's effectively another relationship and unforgivable.

I think that people only confess because it makes them feel better. If it was a one off thing and you felt bad about it, then you should keep it a secret, because if you are truly remorseful then you won't do it again, and your partner doesn't need to be made to feel like shit over it.

Silverslith:
*long story*

WOW. Well done, I would say. I don't know HOW you managed to keep your cool for as long as you did in order to skedaddle. That is impressive.

...Still, I would have pissed on the bed before leaving. :P

Captcha: Ladies first.
......Wow. Captcha really IS sentient!

I've never been cheated on, never cheated. But I have been accused of cheating.

I had left my ex and when I started dating my current boyfriend (who was a friend of mine before), my ex assumed I must have been cheating on him and thats why I left him. Sadly, because I had managed to hide his manipulating and controlling behaviour from everyone I knew, some people started to believe him, but luckily that didn't last long once he started to show his true self.

My boyfriend has been cheated on before by his ex, and his reaction was to dump her.

I know infidelity can be forgiven, but I don't think me or my boyfriend are the kind of people who could forgive it. Some people just cant, I think.

aegix drakan:

Silverslith:
*long story*

WOW. Well done, I would say. I don't know HOW you managed to keep your cool for as long as you did in order to skedaddle. That is impressive.

Thanks. I just went into survival mode. In order to get out of there on my terms, and safely, I sucked it up for a week even though I wanted to explode. That so much good came out of it at the end really reinforced how toxic that relationship really was.

Honestly, cheating is one of the lowest things you can do, IMO.

There ARE some times when it can be forgiven (I would forgive my GF if she somehow got drunk [She doesn't drink] and got taken advantage of while in that state. It's not totally her fault in that case), but most of the time...Yeah, it spells the end of a relationship.

Personally, I could never cheat on my GF. She's too special to me, and I couldn't hurt her like that.

That and I'm not really that hyped about sex. We've been together a year and neither of us seems ready to move in that direction.

Heronblade:
So far as I am concerned, an act of infidelity is, while deplorable, forgivable (at least on its own if other details are ignored). While a person can gladly and willingly offer one's heart and mind exclusively to one other individual, getting the part of the brain controlling baser functions to shut the hell up about the pretty/handsome (wo)man at work and get in line with the rest is... difficult to accomplish for even the most disciplined of human beings. This is unfortunately especially true for us men, we're wired to spread ourselves out, while women are wired to cling to a single partner.

What is unforgivable about such acts in my opinion is lying to your partner, whether about your feelings for them waning, an infatuation for someone else, an infatuation that has been... satisfied with someone else, whatever. Dishonesty is the real relationship killer, and worse still, it can cause a great deal of pain to someone who cares for you.

Honestly, in that situation, it wasn't meant to be. If your significant other is looking at another person with longing for an extended time, it is most likely that they do not have a real interest in you. There's a difference between, "Oh that person is sexy, if I let my guard down and they wanted me, I'd probably make a mistake..." and "I really like this attractive person at work and I'm constantly flirting with them and putting myself into a position to make some highly irresponsible decisions with them..." There's a reason you're looking somewhere else. It probably isn't anyone's fault, but it is definitely your fault if you don't have an interest in your partner and you stay with them just to end up hurting them.

I have to admit to cheating on some of ex's ... quite a few times.

I spent 12 years in the army and as the saying goes "a girl in every port" is pretty much how it went.

In fact, it wasn't until I met the lass i'm now married to that I managed to stop following my penis to other girls houses.

I got cheated on once, didn't bother me. I never got emotionally attached, all I was interested in was sex.

ilovemyLunchbox:

Heronblade:
snip

Honestly, in that situation, it wasn't meant to be. If your significant other is looking at another person with longing for an extended time, it is most likely that they do not have a real interest in you. There's a difference between, "Oh that person is sexy, if I let my guard down and they wanted me, I'd probably make a mistake..." and "I really like this attractive person at work and I'm constantly flirting with them and putting myself into a position to make some highly irresponsible decisions with them..." There's a reason you're looking somewhere else. It probably isn't anyone's fault, but it is definitely your fault if you don't have an interest in your partner and you stay with them just to end up hurting them.

and therein lies the point of being honest about one's feelings. Telling someone that you love them when you honestly do not, and stringing them along while flirting with others is among the most despicable things I can think of.

Dump him

Is there really need for questioning?

I've been cheated on, forgave her and after that point i couldnt stop thinking if she'd been cheating again (even though it was a drunk 1 night stand), month later it was over i couldn't get over it, if you think you can get over it i guess you could stay but i wouldn't.

I've cheated on every Girlfriend I've had, apart from the first. I would do it again.

My girlfriend of 4 years had cheated on me with one of her friends from work. It drove me insane, there was so much pain because I had never been in a situation like that. I assumed that after being in a relationship for 4 years and having moved in together, that there would have been a much greater sense of commitment. I took her back, because I thought I loved her and I managed to convince myself that it was an honest mistake, but 7 months down the road, there was still that haunting feeling that something is always going on behind my back. That gut feeling that you get when something isn't right. I began to get paranoid, and wondering if it was actually something wrong with me. And then you begin to notice changes, such as coming home later from work, being entirely uninterested in what I had to say, our sex life coming to a dead halt. Despite asking her what was wrong, how she was doing, and if everything was OK, I never really had her back completely like the way it was before. So as of last week, she wakes me up early in the morning before work, tells me that she thinks we aren't compatible anymore, and leaves me. Looking back now, I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive a person for cheating again, it has literally ruined my state of mind, altered my personality, and I feel it has all but killed every feeling of love in heart. Those are my 2 cents anyhow.

Never cheated on anyone, never would. Never been cheated on. Had a few girls cheat on their boyfriends with me because as far as I'm concerned no one's twisting their arm, if they choose to cheat on their boyfriend they're the ones breaking someone's trust, not me.

Back when i was around 14, i found out that my GF was cheating on me. I confronted her saying "you could have at least told me that you wanted to split up befor you started seeing other people". I kinda just left the area after a while. Not a great day, but i decided to not to harbor a grudge because it seemed pointless at the time.

Phasmal:
I've never been cheated on, never cheated. But I have been accused of cheating.

I had left my ex and when I started dating my current boyfriend (who was a friend of mine before), my ex assumed I must have been cheating on him and thats why I left him. Sadly, because I had managed to hide his manipulating and controlling behaviour from everyone I knew, some people started to believe him, but luckily that didn't last long once he started to show his true self.

My boyfriend has been cheated on before by his ex, and his reaction was to dump her.

I know infidelity can be forgiven, but I don't think me or my boyfriend are the kind of people who could forgive it. Some people just cant, I think.

Wow, sounds just like what happened with my friend a few months back, but she doesn't like games so I doubt she'd post here!

I always think it's better to find out, because clearly the relationship is just not meant to be, so it's better to not waste more of your time. What's really sad is so many of my parents' friends and friends' parents are getting divorces now because all the affairs are coming out of the woodwork. So much worse when you're married with kids :(

latenightapplepie:
So, my boyfriend cheated on me. He confessed to it, which I suppose makes it easier than discovering the truth yourself.

I could go into more detail, but I'm not really looking for advice, I'm just looking for people's views on, and personal experiences with, infidelity.

I figure it's a good a topic for a thread as any, and I could gain something useful from it, I suppose.

I hope you've left him. With no exception, if he has the propensity to do it once he will do it again.

No matter who you are, you deserve better than the complete lack of respect and cowardice surrounding being unfaithful.

Don't let this discolour your future relationships, and only entertain another when you're truly ready. Even if you notice correlations between this boyfriend and a future one, ignore it.

He's already shown you a disservice, don't let him destroy your future also.

That covers the advice you didn't ask for, now my opinions on the act (which could probably be gathered from the above anyway).

I personally think it is a disgusting act, and there is no justifiable reason for it. It shows a core disregard for another's feelings - regardless of whether they come clean after. Most of the time telling the truth is another selfish act to ease their own mind, rather than thinking of the person they were unfaithful to.

My friend accused me of cheating on his girlfriend. I didn't blame him that night, as we was walking to her place, drunk off our arses, we kind of kept to just us two, but we never did anything. I'm just glad he believes me and him not being one of them stubborn types, which would also be understandable.

While to this day I don't know for sure (and don't care) or have proof my first girlfriend most likely did cheat on me. She had many many "close" male friends that she saw more than me, and many of my friends told me she made moves on them. Either way I learned she was a drug addict; couldn't have dumped her faster. The next girlfriend after that was better by leaps and bounds.

Although I myself have never cheated and honestly never could see myself doing so both for the morality of it and the fact I barely can usually get 1 girl to begin with.

latenightapplepie:
So, my boyfriend cheated on me. He confessed to it, which I suppose makes it easier than discovering the truth yourself.

I'm glad that he confessed. It will hopefully make this a lot easier to get through emotionally for you.

I spent a year in a relationship with a person who cheated on me a lot. Only two occasions I actually found out about while we were dating, and those came to my attention because the two guys (friends of mine) came clean with me out of respect for me, respect that she obviously didn't have. And I stayed with her because I thought that we had "true love" and that she was "the one."

It was only after our relationship was over that I found out about all the other things that she did. The whole relationship ordeal left me emotionally scarred and stunted for a long while and I'm still not completely alright in the head because of it.

I just realized that this reply may have sounded like me trying to "one-up" you, but I promise that's not the case. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I feel for you. Being cheated on sucks worse than anything else I've experienced in my life, physical pains included, and I hope that you're able to get through it in a better state than I did.

And since I'm not afraid to hug strangers, (hugs). Unless you're made uneasy by touchy-feely expressions of solidarity, in which case, (subtle head nod).

Hm, haven't ever been cheated on(never been in a relationship long enough for it to happen), but I've been "the other guy" many, many times.
I regret every time, but when I was younger it was kind of my hobby to go after taken girls...

Never had that issue myself, but I can pretty much say it's a dealbreaker.

If cheaters really love their partners, they wouldn't have cheated on them in the first place. Simple as. And staying in a relationship with them might give them the wrong impression that they can do it again without consequences.

There's something called self-control. Man up and pick someone. If you love both of them, then tough shit. You can't have everything.

Thankfully, I'm not looking for a long-haul relationship, and I doubt I ever will. in the past 13 years since I started being sexually active, I've had one woman try to "be my girlfriend", and a whole bunch of friends with benefits. Infidelity is kind of my way of life, I suppose. I make sure any woman who has mutual interest in me knows that the standard, implied exclusivity our culture is so fond of flat-out disgusts me. Sorta implies ownership, from where I stand.

I did the "I forgive you because I'm so nice and understanding" thing once, and I really don't think it was the right idea. Now, that doesn't mean there is no possibility of a relationship recovering after someone cheats, but I think it's pretty slim. In my own experience, everything about the relationship after that point was tainted.

Can't really decide what I would do in the OP's situation because I have never been cheated on. Just a severe broke of trust that I still haven't forgiven. Now I feel bad for remembering it.

Anyway, the dude will probably do it again. If infidelity is a big deal to you (I suppose it is) then you should consider it a deal-breaker and balance your options immediately.

For the love of everything don't pretend everything is fine. He might have been an ass but it takes a really cold heart to pretend that it isn't a big deal and that "you rather think about it".

Just explain what you are going trough, and end it quickly afterwards. No point in dragging it out, no point in keeping him oblivious.

LooK iTz Jinjo:
I had a girlfriend cheat on me with 2 guys at once. While she was sober.

While drunk? Complete nightmare. Sober? That's "pull gun in mouth depressing" and the prescription is playing God of War until your fingers bleed.

Spot1990:
Had a few girls cheat on their boyfriends with me because as far as I'm concerned no one's twisting their arm, if they choose to cheat on their boyfriend they're the ones breaking someone's trust, not me.

I like that. To me the best option is "don't ask don't tell".

ElPatron:
Can't really decide what I would do in the OP's situation because I have never been cheated on. Just a severe broke of trust that I still haven't forgiven. Now I feel bad for remembering it.

Anyway, the dude will probably do it again. If infidelity is a big deal to you (I suppose it is) then you should consider it a deal-breaker and balance your options immediately.

For the love of everything don't pretend everything is fine. He might have been an ass but it takes a really cold heart to pretend that it isn't a big deal and that "you rather think about it".

Just explain what you are going trough, and end it quickly afterwards. No point in dragging it out, no point in keeping him oblivious.

LooK iTz Jinjo:
I had a girlfriend cheat on me with 2 guys at once. While she was sober.

While drunk? Complete nightmare. Sober? That's "pull gun in mouth depressing" and the prescription is playing God of War until your fingers bleed.

Spot1990:
Had a few girls cheat on their boyfriends with me because as far as I'm concerned no one's twisting their arm, if they choose to cheat on their boyfriend they're the ones breaking someone's trust, not me.

I like that. To me the best option is "don't ask don't tell".

It did get weird this one time when a girl kept telling me how much like her boyfriend I was. I was tempted to say "You do know that's not an excuse, right?"

Spot1990:
Never cheated on anyone, never would. Never been cheated on. Had a few girls cheat on their boyfriends with me because as far as I'm concerned no one's twisting their arm, if they choose to cheat on their boyfriend they're the ones breaking someone's trust, not me.

Nah, you're just encouraging them to. And we all know it's such a nice thing to go along with someone backstabbing the people in their live. Or not.

Spot1990:
I like that. To me the best option is "don't ask don't tell".

It did get weird this one time when a girl kept telling me how much like her boyfriend I was. I was tempted to say "You do know that's not an excuse, right?"[/quote]

Girls cheat a lot while they are deployed in the army. 4chan even had the meme "SHE IS GOING TO FUCK A LOT OF DUDES".

Some of them actually convinced themselves that being thousands of miles away isn't considered cheating...

Mortai Gravesend:
Nah, you're just encouraging them to.

Passive encouragement is still encouragement, but does that mean that every man should sue Orlando Bloom for giving their girlfriends a standard on what to look for in a man?

They were going to cheat anyway. Just saying.

Been cheated on once. Got insanely pissed, hatched a plan to humiliate the girl, succeed.

On one hand, in hindsight it was a bit much, but on the other hand, she was a cruel, manipulative, goddamn horrible person, so I don't feel much regret.

What would I do if I was cheated on again? I don't know. I'd like to say I'd just up and dump the person, but that's what I thought I would do the first time, too. I just don't know.

Mortai Gravesend:

Spot1990:
Never cheated on anyone, never would. Never been cheated on. Had a few girls cheat on their boyfriends with me because as far as I'm concerned no one's twisting their arm, if they choose to cheat on their boyfriend they're the ones breaking someone's trust, not me.

Nah, you're just encouraging them to. And we all know it's such a nice thing to go along with someone backstabbing the people in their live. Or not.

Never said it was nice, I consider it more neutral than either positive or negative. Besides whenever a girl tells me she has a boyfriend I automatically assume nothing is going to happen so I don't pursue them. If they decide to pursue me then it is decidedly not my problem.

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