Girl is nice to me, therefore she likes me?

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A few days ago I was at an Easter party with a bunch of friends. We organized an Easter hunt that involved hunting for alcohol (shots) instead of chocolate, played a few drinking games, and had a great time hanging out. It was a smaller party (15 people max), but everyone knew each other well since most were classmates (in college), and we've all partied plenty of times before. However, we still have a problem with "that guy" who often ends up annoying people in some way by the end of the night.

This night was particularly bad though.

Basically, this guy got quite drunk and told one of the girls at the party that he loved her... again. It's happened before, and I'm sure it'll happen again, but he just doesn't seem to get the message that this girl is not interested in him. He ended up crying for an hour or so because of how lonely he is, which completely killed the party.

Now, I was in charge of driving him home because he lives on my way home, so I decided this time that I would call him out on it, and tell him he needed to stop. We had a conversation for a while, and I eased him into opening up by telling him stories of my past failures with woman and whatnot. Everything went fine, and he knows he needs to stop doing it. Even thanked me for my forwardness. However, after talking to him for an hour or two about this, I figured out his main problem when it comes to woman:

He thinks that any girl who is nice to him is interested in him.

Combine this with the fact that he doesn't appear to be scared of rejection, and you get a guy that is a creeping machine. The girls he tries to hit on don't want to deal with him anymore, and I discovered he still has plans to ask other girls out who are clearly NOT interested him. It's not going to end well again.

On one hand I admire his courage and never give up spirit, but on the other hand, he needs to get a grip on reality and stop thinking everyone who does something nice for him is interested in dating him. He's got good intentions, and he's a very nice and helpful guy... but his execution is absolutely horrible.

We don't want to exclude him from parties, but we might have to if he doesn't stop this. If he doesn't, I'm going to try to make it as painfully obvious to him as I possibly can.

"Just because a girl is nice to you, doesn't mean she wants your dick in her mouth."

How does someone even get to this point in the first place? Anyone else have a friend who thinks every girl like him?

I had a house mate once who had one of the girls at Gamestation talk to him for a minute after the purchase was completed and he thought she liked him...he was pissed when he found out she had a boyfriend even though I explained that it's probably their job to chat to guys to make them want to go back there.

Reminds me of another thread that was posted recently :D

Some guys are so starved for female attention, that any attention that isn't negative is misconstrued as affection.

Some guys realise this, but instead of blaming themselves they end up self-diagnosing aspergers or other social disorders in order to avoid reality.

Not everyone, of course, but it's certainly a mindset that exists.

One of my best friends had to deal with 'that guy' in university - in three years the only way she was able to get him of her back was be very, very blunt. No matter how gently, or not, she let him down, this guy kept gunning for her because she's a nice girl. She had to act like an ice queen the last three months she knew him to convince him she wasn't interested.

Short of telling every girl your friend meets in advance how to act around him, you're going to have to stand back and rely on other people and their judgements when it comes to how they interact with him and how they deal with what comes after that - which is a shame, because this guy should be taking responsibility for himself and his feelings. He needs to grow up, and it's not something you can really help him with.

All you can do is nudge him along the way. That not every girl who's nice to him is interested something he will have to realise for himself, or it won't stick. Sorry dude, but this guy will probably keep doing what he's doing for a long time, leastways that's what my experience of people like that is.

SonicKaos:
Anyone else have a friend who thinks every girl like him?

Yeah two, one is so desperate it's tragic to watch. The other isn't a friend but a douchebag at work and it's an absolute riot watching him work his way around a bar being rejected one girl after another...

Like a lot of sexist anti-male topics, this one actually applies to both genders.

I think the issue is that we lost a lot of traditions about flirting vs dating in moving to this post-sexual harassment era, so there is some awkwardness as younger generations have to forge out new behavior patterns.

Daystar Clarion:
Some guys are so starved for female attention, that any attention that isn't negative is misconstrued as affection.

Tell me about it.
I keep catching myself reacting to common courtesy and pleasantness as if it's some sign of attraction.
Then I have to go all "Fuck, snap out of it Jonluw. She's just being nice, she isn't into you."

I mean, it's not like I'm an unattractive guy. I've had girls express attraction to me on more than one occasion, but I just fail horribly at this whole social scene thing, and I'm lonely enough for my brain to start getting a bit desperate for affection.
Fucking annoying is what it is.
At least I realize it myself and can catch myself thinking like that, as opposed to the guy in the OP.

Jonluw:

Daystar Clarion:
Some guys are so starved for female attention, that any attention that isn't negative is misconstrued as affection.

Tell me about it.
I keep catching myself reacting to common courtesy and pleasantness as if it's some sign of attraction.
Then I have to go all "Fuck, snap out of it Jonluw. She's just being nice, she isn't into you."

I mean, it's not like I'm an unattractive guy. I've had girls express attraction to me on more than one occasion, but I just fail horribly at this whole social scene thing, and I'm lonely enough for my brain to start getting a bit desperate for affection.
Fucking annoying is what it is.
At least I realize it myself and can catch myself thinking like that, as opposed to the guy in the OP.

At least you're self aware :D

And knowing is half the battle.

That kind of sounds like the guy has some pretty low self-esteem, really.

I kind of used to be like that, until I realized that it's a kind of dependency that I did not want to have. I was too fixed on how other people perceive me, as opposed to focusing on how you want to present yourself.

It'll pass, or it won't.

Daystar Clarion:
Reminds me of another thread that was posted recently :D

Some guys are so starved for female attention, that any attention that isn't negative is misconstrued as affection.

Some guys realise this, but instead of blaming themselves they end up self-diagnosing aspergers or other social disorders in order to avoid reality.

Not everyone, of course, but it's certainly a mindset that exists.

Seeeeriously? That's kind of depressing... and confusing.
I always try to be nice to people and luckily I've only had like one guy misconstrue my niceness.

Daystar Clarion:

Jonluw:

Daystar Clarion:
Some guys are so starved for female attention, that any attention that isn't negative is misconstrued as affection.

Tell me about it.
I keep catching myself reacting to common courtesy and pleasantness as if it's some sign of attraction.
Then I have to go all "Fuck, snap out of it Jonluw. She's just being nice, she isn't into you."

I mean, it's not like I'm an unattractive guy. I've had girls express attraction to me on more than one occasion, but I just fail horribly at this whole social scene thing, and I'm lonely enough for my brain to start getting a bit desperate for affection.
Fucking annoying is what it is.
At least I realize it myself and can catch myself thinking like that, as opposed to the guy in the OP.

At least you're self aware :D

Yes! My cognitive functions lie slightly above those of a dog! Maybe even above those of a dolphin!

Nah, but my self insight is one of my more admirable qualities.
I just need to figure out a way to separate girls who are genuinely attracted to me from the ones that are just being pleasant.
This far, I've found that having one of my female friends as a wingman of sorts helps. They can even talk to the girls and straight up tell me if they're interested.

Jonluw:

Daystar Clarion:

Jonluw:
Tell me about it.
I keep catching myself reacting to common courtesy and pleasantness as if it's some sign of attraction.
Then I have to go all "Fuck, snap out of it Jonluw. She's just being nice, she isn't into you."

I mean, it's not like I'm an unattractive guy. I've had girls express attraction to me on more than one occasion, but I just fail horribly at this whole social scene thing, and I'm lonely enough for my brain to start getting a bit desperate for affection.
Fucking annoying is what it is.
At least I realize it myself and can catch myself thinking like that, as opposed to the guy in the OP.

At least you're self aware :D

Yes! My cognitive functions lie slightly above those of a dog! Maybe even above those of a dolphin!

Nah, but my self insight is one of my more admirable qualities.
I just need to figure out a way to separate girls who are genuinely attracted to me from the ones that are just being pleasant.
This far, I've found that having one of my female friends as a wingman of sorts helps. They can even talk to the girls and straight up tell me if they're interested.

Well the fact you've got a female wingman leads to me believe that it may not be as bad you think it is :D

I'm hoping he figures it out soon, because we're going to have to stop inviting him places if he doesn't.

Part of it (I believe) also has to do with his style. He is a big fan of metal music, and so he dresses that way. It's typically not a style that a lot of girls are into. I would never suggest changing it because that's what he loves, but a lot of the times he's going for girls who dress and/or act nothing like him. Since we're all classmates, we all know that none of the girls he goes for like metal at all either, so he's barking up the wrong tree.

I suggested he try online dating, since he'd then have access to people with similar interests and style to him. I think that could help him a lot since he'd have something to talk about that he's really passionate about.

I suppose in the past I've been a tiny bit like this, but I've stopped falling into the situation now as I've gotten older. I told him that if a girl does one nice gesture then that's cool but it means nothing really. If it happens often and they go out of their way to do nice things, then it might mean something and could be worth investigating. Trying to get him to tone down how much he thinks about little things really.

Phasmal:

I always try to be nice to people and luckily I've only had like one guy misconstrue my niceness.

But you are nice, we must go out.

I'll set a date for the wedding.

(I am joking, i'm already married. Couldn't cope with 2 women. I'm not nearly insane enough for that).

On Topic....

Funnily enough I did used to know a bloke like that. Had to punch him though. It was my neice he was interested in and one night he'd had one to many and wasn't taking no for an answer.

I don't know why some people are like that I don't even want to hazard a guess.

Daystar Clarion:

Jonluw:

Daystar Clarion:
At least you're self aware :D

Yes! My cognitive functions lie slightly above those of a dog! Maybe even above those of a dolphin!

Nah, but my self insight is one of my more admirable qualities.
I just need to figure out a way to separate girls who are genuinely attracted to me from the ones that are just being pleasant.
This far, I've found that having one of my female friends as a wingman of sorts helps. They can even talk to the girls and straight up tell me if they're interested.

Well the fact you've got a female wingman leads to me believe that it may not be as bad you think it is :D

It's sort of strange really, that situation.
Basically, the girl - who is in my class - was into me, but she didn't really talk to me much or confront me about it at all.
By the time I'd started to catch on to it - with a little help from a different girl - it was time for her to spend a year in Norwich or something as a transfer student.
For some reason, her leaving for England made us start talking a lot over IM. I'm far more comfortable talking to people by means of text than I am in person.
She admitted she was into me fairly early on and I turned her down I think. From there, a friendship started to form. I spent a lot of time helping her out with her romantic endavours and troubles.

So suddenly I have a pretty close female friend who has been known to tip me about at least one girl who was into me.
That's not to say there wasn't some sexual tension. There was this one episode that involved a party and me drinking half a bottle of gin...

For some reason she's started drifting away from me lately. It might have something to do with her getting a boyfriend. I think there's a pattern in it you see. I lost contact with a different friend of mine a year earlier when she got a boyfriend.
That leaves two options as I see it:
1) The new boyfriend takes up a lot of time, so I'm not prioritized.
2) They were only staying in contact with me because they were trying to get into my pants.

Yeah, I think it's fairly obvious which option is the correct one here. I mean, option 1 is fairly far fetched.

Sorry about the tl;dr I suddenly started telling you all about my life and shit.

Electro Dave:
I had a house mate once who had one of the girls at Gamestation talk to him for a minute after the purchase was completed and he thought she liked him...he was pissed when he found out she had a boyfriend even though I explained that it's probably their job to chat to guys to make them want to go back there.

Or maybe, just maybe, she was this thing we have in this world called a human being. They tend to like to talk to other human beings about things they share interest in. Not every personal interaction with someone in a store is some corporate plot to get people to spend more money.

that being said, your friend was an idiot.

For fucks sake can we stop with these threads? Yes, some people have poor social skills. Yes, some guys and girls read too much into things.

I think part of the problem with both guys and girls is this general belief that girls and guys can't hang out together without wanting to get into each other pants.

When I was in highschool I had a guy friend that I liked talking to during gym class. We had video games and anime in common so we just liked to hang out. But it was generally believed we had a thing for each other, my best friend at the time often asked me if I wanted to date him, even after telling her several times "no it's not like that, at all". He was attractive, I admit, but I didn't want to date him. He already had a girlfriend and he was often telling me how much he loved her, he was not interested in me.

So I think that may feed into your friends beliefs. If you're of the opposite gender, you most certainly cannot be friends, so therefore if someone of the opposite gender is nice, that means they must want to do the horizontal tango.

I sorta have the female counterpart to this.

Now, I don't hit on anybody because I'm afraid of rejection. The guy I start dating will be the one that I'm attracted to and who asks me first.

But I've long found myself trying to believe that just because some dude approaches me acting nice and wanting to be friends, doesn't mean he's trying for more. Maybe he's being honest when he wants to be a friend.

This is really only an issue because the guys who have approached me about friendship weren't guys I found appealing so I tried not to send "uninterested" vibes by trying to give them the benefit of a doubt.

For what it's worth... they never did just want friendship but whatever.

Doc Theta Sigma:
For fucks sake can we stop with these threads? Yes, some people have poor social skills. Yes, some guys and girls read too much into things.

Im gonna be honest i am so sick of comments like this

you want a completely new thread go make one, dont add to this if you hate it so much

Well that happens to alot of guys because any attention, is good attention. Think it's pretty obvious when a girl does like you most of the time. I usually have the girl touching my arm, or sitting real close and listening to every word I say. Make it their job to touch you whenever they can. Of course you can't think for one second that every girl that talks to you is the one that wants your man sausage. They are talking to you because they have to, your a god damn annoying customer. Thats no different than when a guy has to talk to a chick he finds ugly so he can keep his job. Everyone at that party should have kicked him out. Really hate crying in general, especially from guys with this end of the world attitude.

Sexy Velma pic for the win, welcome to ban town, population me.

Sometimes, these people might just have been through Hell in the past. After that, anything seems like an intimate gift.

I'm ashamed to admit it, but I was that guy for a couple of my teenage years. Thank god I grew out of that. Of course, it didn't help being the only single person in my group of friends.

I have the complete opposite problem, i'm constantly being told by friends after meeting a girl that she was interested and I completely miss the signs. I'm a bit of a giant and don't want to come across as domineering, so I play it cool and only find out after the fact that I missed a great chance, better than the OPs example though, rather go home kicking myself than crying like a baby

SonicKaos:
How does someone even get to this point in the first place? Anyone else have a friend who thinks every girl like him?

Usually the type of guys who see every girl as into them are the type of guys who consistently prove themselves right by bedding the girls. Most guys who fail seem to think no girl is into them no matter what they do. Your friend is a special form of desperate, so starved for affection that any hint of a possible future relationship will make him jump on the woman despite knowing how unlikely it actually is. What him carefully, I'm not saying this is necessarily true in his case but this often leads to suicidal thoughts or at the very least the threat of them.

isometry:
Like a lot of sexist anti-male topics, this one actually applies to both genders.

I think the issue is that we lost a lot of traditions about flirting vs dating in moving to this post-sexual harassment era, so there is some awkwardness as younger generations have to forge out new behavior patterns.

you must literally be a pulitzer laureate because that shit was pure knowledge dayum. I feel a bit cheated for having been born after the 60's

SonicKaos:
?

Well... speaking as someone that was quite a creep/loser in my younger days.... I think it's just a way his brain might be wired. He might need to get seriously smacked the fucked around a bit before he gets his self-control in check, because he's going to need to be stronger then most people.

And really, if he can't control himself while boozed up he shouldn't be drinking. Manage your fucking high, tell him

Short of having a discussion about how nice people are nice to everyone and that doesn't (necessarily) mean that they also want to shag everyone... maybe he could go to some metal/rock clubs and see if he could meet some ladies there?

Jonluw:
For some reason she's started drifting away from me lately. It might have something to do with her getting a boyfriend. I think there's a pattern in it you see. I lost contact with a different friend of mine a year earlier when she got a boyfriend.
That leaves two options as I see it:
1) The new boyfriend takes up a lot of time, so I'm not prioritized.
2) They were only staying in contact with me because they were trying to get into my pants.

There's an option 3 (although it's perhaps linked to option 2) that because you've had that sexual tension and history she simply feels like it's somewhat unfair on her relationship to be hanging around with someone who does or has made her feel that way. So it's not so much of a case of she was hoping to get off with you and now that she can't what's the point, it's more that she is aware that that may be a temptation and she feels it would be sensible to avoid it.

lisadagz:
Short of having a discussion about how nice people are nice to everyone and that doesn't (necessarily) mean that they also want to shag everyone... maybe he could go to some metal/rock clubs and see if he could meet some ladies there?

Jonluw:
For some reason she's started drifting away from me lately. It might have something to do with her getting a boyfriend. I think there's a pattern in it you see. I lost contact with a different friend of mine a year earlier when she got a boyfriend.
That leaves two options as I see it:
1) The new boyfriend takes up a lot of time, so I'm not prioritized.
2) They were only staying in contact with me because they were trying to get into my pants.

There's an option 3 (although it's perhaps linked to option 2) that because you've had that sexual tension and history she simply feels like it's somewhat unfair on her relationship to be hanging around with someone who does or has made her feel that way. So it's not so much of a case of she was hoping to get off with you and now that she can't what's the point, it's more that she is aware that that may be a temptation and she feels it would be sensible to avoid it.

I was mostly just joking about those two options, you know.
In any case, I don't think 3 is the case. At least not with the first girl. Second one, eh, might be.
The first girl, however, told me she wanted to know why we hadn't had much contact lately.

I'm ever so slightly worried I'm that dude now.

I'm very good friends with my ex - as in, she regularly phones me telling me she loves me, that I'm the best friend she has, that she doesn't know what she'd do without me, e.t.c. I made a mistake, and our relationship ended before it had a chance. Back then I didn't know her very well; now that I do, I'm completely in love with her. Yet, she has a boyfriend now.

Now, a few months ago she left for Brazil to do a charity volunteering... thing. I missed her terribly but I found that over time it just became the kind of caring that you might have for a good friend, and not someone you're in love with. About the same time, I started to get feelings for one of my other close female friends.

You can see where this is going.

Point is, my ex got back from Brazil today, and immediately phoned me, drunk, telling me she 'loves' me (as a friend, apparently) and how I was the person she missed the most. All those feelings came crashing back at once, and I stopped romanticizing female friend #2.

It's strange, because I'm happy loving someone I can't have. I'm not insecure or particularly self-conscious. Hell, I'm pretty arrogant. But as soon as she was out of my mind, those feelings just.... wandered off to the next person they could find.
Point of this is that feelings wander very quickly. If there's a guy who starts developing affections for ANYONE then chances are that guy is extremely desperate or has massive, unresolved romantic issues.

SonicKaos:
snip

I'm going to suggest an alternative solution.

It sounds like you're part of a very wide social circle. You could try setting him up on a blind date. If you can get it to work out, chances are he'll get off everyone's backs and he'll be happy.

I was like your friend when I was 12~ish. Then I learnt quickly that girls are being nice because they are just nice people. The only way your friend will be able to pass this level is to tell it to himself that girl's aren't interested in him. Once he learns this then he will be able to function appropriately in society. Hopefully he can retain this behaviour whilst in the company of 'nice' girls and then he can slowly adjust his level of girls-being-interested-radar to that of a normal level. This may take some time....

I do catch myself doing this sometimes, I tend not to dwell over it as much as this guy though.

Its pretty much just:
-make a friend who is female
-become infatuated by female
-ask female out
if yes - go out
if no - move on, probably continue to be friends unless they are awkward about it

I can't say that approach has been all that successful, but I don't really make that big a deal about it lol.

Some people believe that everyone is into them even if it is not true it does not mean with will stop also it could start with over confidence.

Daystar Clarion:
Reminds me of another thread that was posted recently :D

Some guys are so starved for female attention, that any attention that isn't negative is misconstrued as affection.

i grew up being ostracized from most of the female population of where i live, from a mixture of having an incredibly short temper and being just awkward(that has changed now obviously). and i can say this is so very true it hurts. i still find myself getting way too attracted to any female who shows even a slight bit of kindness to me.

and that along with a few other things have kept me completely out of the dating circle.

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