long-distance love

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I have been dating my bf for 4 years now, and this weekend he came up and we met in real life.

He's now gone and after i've finished my lonely crying, i have started to wonder, how many others here are in a long-distance relationship and how you cope with it. My bf lives in america, I live in canada, so it's 8 hours to see eachother and it hasn't been easy.

off topic: Grease the skids? Capcha, what are you trying to say to me!?

I don't get this at all.

I've seen another user do this too, how can you have a relationship with someone you have never met?

Spent 4 years in long distance relationship myself.

I was in the Army and didn't get home much at all so it wasn't easy. Had no access to e-mail or anything like that either so it was all done on the phone and in letters (yes folks, people used to write things down and post it to people ... strange concept I know).

It wasn't so much "coping" with it as much as it was we didn't really have a choice if we wanted to stay together. She couldn't follow me around the world and I couldn't stay home.

Left the army eventually so it worked out in the end but long distance is hard.

I have a friend that lives around 6 hours from his girlfriend. He visits every weekend. Sets off Friday after work and comes back at the crack of bird shit Monday morning (crack of bird shit means very early for those not used to bizarre slang).

I know some people don;t have that option so it can make things difficult.

I'm afraid the only way around it if you want to stay together is to grin and suck it up until you can get a bit closer together (or live together depending on age/religious affiliation/bathroom habits.

Talking when you can may help. I hear webcams can make things easier (not for that you bloody pervs) never used one myself so wouldn't know.

Matthew94:
I don't get this at all.

I've seen another user do this too, how can you have a relationship with someone you have never met?

trust. patience. love. as cliche as it is, you get to know the person first, not their skin, and learn what THEY are like.

chinangel:

Matthew94:
I don't get this at all.

I've seen another user do this too, how can you have a relationship with someone you have never met?

trust. patience. love. as cliche as it is, you get to know the person first, not their skin, and learn what THEY are like.

Except you don't. Like at all. You get to know the side of them they want you to see. It's a lot easier to hide aspects of your life when you live in another country, have no mutual acquaintances or really anything to go by at all really.

I mean what's a relationship without the physical side? I have an incredibly close friend, like a brother practically, probably closer to him and than any girlfriend I've had. Think Turk and JD, only thing that separates us from a relationship is we don't fuck each others brains out.

Also part of the fun of a relationship is about experiencing life together. Long distance all you have is telling each other about your lives. You can't go out with them on dates. Sorry if this comes across as offensive, I just get annoyed when people try to act like wanting a physical aspect to a relationship somehow lessens it.

I would never be able to do a long distance relationship.
Physical intimacy is a necessary component of romantic love to me.

Spot1990:

chinangel:

Matthew94:
I don't get this at all.

I've seen another user do this too, how can you have a relationship with someone you have never met?

trust. patience. love. as cliche as it is, you get to know the person first, not their skin, and learn what THEY are like.

Except you don't. Like at all. You get to know the side of them they want you to see. It's a lot easier to hide aspects of your life when you live in another country, have no mutual acquaintances or really anything to go by at all really.

I mean what's a relationship without the physical side? I have an incredibly close friend, like a brother practically, probably closer to him and than any girlfriend I've had. Think Turk and JD, only thing that separates us from a relationship is we don't fuck each others brains out.

Also part of the fun of a relationship is about experiencing life together. Long distance all you have is telling each other about your lives. You can't go out with them on dates. Sorry if this comes across as offensive, I just get annoyed when people try to act like wanting a physical aspect to a relationship somehow lessens it.

nobody is acting like that at all. I want the physical aspect, but it's not an option right now. And maybe over the short term someone can lie, but not over the long term. long-distance relationships require patience and honesty, and isn't that what every relationship is built on?

Jonluw:
I would never be able to do a long distance relationship.
Physical intimacy is a necessary component of romantic love to me.

This, I just wouldn't be able to handle it.

I've spoken to people for the first time through phones and messaging but even after we've done that for months, we meet in person and it's still awkward, like if you'd only just met them. Virtual communication hardly qualifies as time spent together.

chinangel:

Spot1990:

chinangel:

trust. patience. love. as cliche as it is, you get to know the person first, not their skin, and learn what THEY are like.

Except you don't. Like at all. You get to know the side of them they want you to see. It's a lot easier to hide aspects of your life when you live in another country, have no mutual acquaintances or really anything to go by at all really.

I mean what's a relationship without the physical side? I have an incredibly close friend, like a brother practically, probably closer to him and than any girlfriend I've had. Think Turk and JD, only thing that separates us from a relationship is we don't fuck each others brains out.

Also part of the fun of a relationship is about experiencing life together. Long distance all you have is telling each other about your lives. You can't go out with them on dates. Sorry if this comes across as offensive, I just get annoyed when people try to act like wanting a physical aspect to a relationship somehow lessens it.

nobody is acting like that at all. I want the physical aspect, but it's not an option right now. And maybe over the short term someone can lie, but not over the long term. long-distance relationships require patience and honesty, and isn't that what every relationship is built on?

Yes, over the long term they can lie too because your window of interaction is quite narrow. To me I just don't see the point. Odds are there's someone just as well suited in the same state.

Spot1990:

chinangel:

Spot1990:
Except you don't. Like at all. You get to know the side of them they want you to see. It's a lot easier to hide aspects of your life when you live in another country, have no mutual acquaintances or really anything to go by at all really.

I mean what's a relationship without the physical side? I have an incredibly close friend, like a brother practically, probably closer to him and than any girlfriend I've had. Think Turk and JD, only thing that separates us from a relationship is we don't fuck each others brains out.

Also part of the fun of a relationship is about experiencing life together. Long distance all you have is telling each other about your lives. You can't go out with them on dates. Sorry if this comes across as offensive, I just get annoyed when people try to act like wanting a physical aspect to a relationship somehow lessens it.

nobody is acting like that at all. I want the physical aspect, but it's not an option right now. And maybe over the short term someone can lie, but not over the long term. long-distance relationships require patience and honesty, and isn't that what every relationship is built on?

Yes, over the long term they can lie too because your window of interaction is quite narrow. To me I just don't see the point. Odds are there's someone just as well suited in the same state.

I guess we have to agree to disagree.

chinangel:

Spot1990:

chinangel:

trust. patience. love. as cliche as it is, you get to know the person first, not their skin, and learn what THEY are like.

Except you don't. Like at all. You get to know the side of them they want you to see. It's a lot easier to hide aspects of your life when you live in another country, have no mutual acquaintances or really anything to go by at all really.

I mean what's a relationship without the physical side? I have an incredibly close friend, like a brother practically, probably closer to him and than any girlfriend I've had. Think Turk and JD, only thing that separates us from a relationship is we don't fuck each others brains out.

Also part of the fun of a relationship is about experiencing life together. Long distance all you have is telling each other about your lives. You can't go out with them on dates. Sorry if this comes across as offensive, I just get annoyed when people try to act like wanting a physical aspect to a relationship somehow lessens it.

nobody is acting like that at all. I want the physical aspect, but it's not an option right now. And maybe over the short term someone can lie, but not over the long term. long-distance relationships require patience and honesty, and isn't that what every relationship is built on?

I wouldn't call 4 years short term.

Like the other person said, you don't know what their personaility is like, only what they show you.

Matthew94:

chinangel:

Spot1990:
Except you don't. Like at all. You get to know the side of them they want you to see. It's a lot easier to hide aspects of your life when you live in another country, have no mutual acquaintances or really anything to go by at all really.

I mean what's a relationship without the physical side? I have an incredibly close friend, like a brother practically, probably closer to him and than any girlfriend I've had. Think Turk and JD, only thing that separates us from a relationship is we don't fuck each others brains out.

Also part of the fun of a relationship is about experiencing life together. Long distance all you have is telling each other about your lives. You can't go out with them on dates. Sorry if this comes across as offensive, I just get annoyed when people try to act like wanting a physical aspect to a relationship somehow lessens it.

nobody is acting like that at all. I want the physical aspect, but it's not an option right now. And maybe over the short term someone can lie, but not over the long term. long-distance relationships require patience and honesty, and isn't that what every relationship is built on?

I wouldn't call 4 years short term.

Like the other person said, you don't know what their personaility is like, only what they show you.

a lot of people seem to really dislike the idea of long-distance relationships.

chinangel:

Matthew94:

chinangel:

nobody is acting like that at all. I want the physical aspect, but it's not an option right now. And maybe over the short term someone can lie, but not over the long term. long-distance relationships require patience and honesty, and isn't that what every relationship is built on?

I wouldn't call 4 years short term.

Like the other person said, you don't know what their personaility is like, only what they show you.

a lot of people seem to really dislike the idea of long-distance relationships.

It's more the thought of calling chatting with someone online for 4 years a relationship.

To me (and a few others) it isn't, you don't know what they are truly like.

Well that sounds like hell to me. That wouldn't work out because I might cheat just for the sake of it. I don't see the dating aspect of it if we have never met in real life and have done nothing but typed to eachother. Man thats not really even cheating, I take it back. Of course if it works for you, have at it. That seems really tough. The thought process for me would be to think that the girl in question might be dating other guys. Eventually she wants to meet me because I sound like boyfriend material. Really to paranoid to do something like this, lol.

My best friend is in a long-distance relationship right now and I think he's an idiot for doing it.

First of all, he sucks at online communication, so I'm fucking baffled how he managed to "get" someone to fall in e-love with him. Yes, he would pay more attention to his (possible) girlfriend, but it had to have started somewhere and if he did that from the get-go just because he was talking to a girl, then he's, again, an idiot. And I'd be mad at him - but I can't exactly ask him that, can I?

Then he goes to meet her. In a Nordic country. In the worst winter in Europe in years or decades. Fucking idiot. I have been in love before, and I would not have done that. -27C. Idiot.

And not just for a long weekend, which would have been normal and sensible (I've seen plenty of people start relationships online). No, the idiot goes there for three goddamn weeks. WTF!

and now he's broke (so no more trips soon), depressed and whining about it all the time. I have the greatest sympathy for him, because he's finally showing some goddamn emotions, but for the love of all the gods, what the fuck did he expect to happen? Surely he (and she too, for that matter) should be able to cope with it - or have thought about it beforehand. How dumb can you be?

That's still not all. 3 weeks is nothing (unless you're the friend that gets left behind...) and already they're planning to move in together (here, not in her godforsaken country, thank heavens) and have cats and whatnot. What. How the hell do I tell him he's an incredible idiot for thinking like that this soon?

Lord knows I have nothing against getting to know people online and meeting them - I've done nothing but that between ages 19 and 26. And I fell in love with 2 or 3 people (once I'd met them, mind you). But even trying a long-distance relationship based on like a year of online interaction and a brief meet is the dumbest thing I can think of. Love doesn't make anyone that blind.
In my friend's case, he should be the sensible one, too. He's 28, she turns 22 this year. She's allowed to be a dumb teenager still, he has bigger problems.

I truly wish she'd break up with him, the sooner the better. Young girl, impulsive, stupid enough to try this shit, it's not that far-fetched. Pretty please?
Yeah yeah, I know, I'm a "terrible friend", yadda yadda. Fuck that. He doesn't even really need me. He's got plenty of people. I'm constantly surprised he pays as much attention to me as he does. I'm the one who needs him - and now I get table scraps of time and attention because he has to spend all day trying his hardest to keep this fucking imitation of a relationship alive.

So yeah
Go smooch the girl next door - it's much healthier for everyone involved - even (or especially) for the tangentially involved.

CleverNickname:
My best friend is in a long-distance relationship right now and I think he's an idiot for doing it.

First of all, he sucks at online communication, so I'm fucking baffled how he managed to "get" someone to fall in e-love with him. Yes, he would pay more attention to his (possible) girlfriend, but it had to have started somewhere and if he did that from the get-go just because he was talking to a girl, then he's, again, an idiot. And I'd be mad at him - but I can't exactly ask him that, can I?

Then he goes to meet her. In a Nordic country. In the worst winter in Europe in years or decades. Fucking idiot. I have been in love before, and I would not have done that. -27C. Idiot.

And not just for a long weekend, which would have been normal and sensible (I've seen plenty of people start relationships online). No, the idiot goes there for three goddamn weeks. WTF!

and now he's broke (so no more trips soon), depressed and whining about it all the time. I have the greatest sympathy for him, because he's finally showing some goddamn emotions, but for the love of all the gods, what the fuck did he expect to happen? Surely he (and she too, for that matter) should be able to cope with it - or have thought about it beforehand. How dumb can you be?

That's still not all. 3 weeks is nothing (unless you're the friend that gets left behind...) and already they're planning to move in together (here, not in her godforsaken country, thank heavens) and have cats and whatnot. What. How the hell do I tell him he's an incredible idiot for thinking like that this soon?

Lord knows I have nothing against getting to know people online and meeting them - I've done nothing but that between ages 19 and 26. And I fell in love with 2 or 3 people (once I'd met them, mind you). But even trying a long-distance relationship based on like a year of online interaction and a brief meet is the dumbest thing I can think of. Love doesn't make anyone that blind.
In my friend's case, he should be the sensible one, too. He's 28, she turns 22 this year. She's allowed to be a dumb teenager still, he has bigger problems.

I truly wish she'd break up with him, the sooner the better. Young girl, impulsive, stupid enough to try this shit, it's not that far-fetched. Pretty please?
Yeah yeah, I know, I'm a "terrible friend", yadda yadda. Fuck that. He doesn't even really need me. He's got plenty of people. I'm constantly surprised he pays as much attention to me as he does. I'm the one who needs him - and now I get table scraps of time and attention because he has to spend all day trying his hardest to keep this fucking imitation of a relationship alive.

So yeah
Go smooch the girl next door - it's much healthier for everyone involved - even (or especially) for the tangentially involved.

that...sounds like lots of bitterness.

I'm gonna be a beacon of positivity. I've known the girl I'm with for 3 years, been official for almost 3 months, but acted like a couple (as much as we can) long before that, just were hesitant due to the distance thing. We're in literally opposite sides of the country. I'm finally leaving to spend a week there in a couple days, and she plans to visit me a couple months later. If we work in person like we do on the phone, we're gonna get our own place around here around the end of summer. I've seen sides of her that anyone whith something to hide would have hid, and vice versa. We've talked constantly since we started talking and idk, it just feels right with us. I know it's not the same as being physically together, hence visiting each other first. But I'm confident in it, and I hope it works out for you too. Long-distance is hard, but sometimes they're worth it.

8 hours? Try 11 hours in the same country.

Near 6 months, going well. I think it's great, myself. And I instantly hate everyone in here that doesn't think so, that's right, hate. Everyone.

Not really, but no need for insults.

I'm in a fucking awful situation at the moment I'd rather not talk about, but lets just say it's hard. And it just may well get a hell of a lot harder soon.

My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year, he lives in America and I live in the UK. He is moving over here in a couple of months, our relationship has been going perfectly and I have complete confidence that it will still be perfect when he moves. A long distance relationship can be hard at times, but it is worth it.

chinangel:
I have been dating my bf for 4 years now, and this weekend he came up and we met in real life.

He's now gone and after i've finished my lonely crying, i have started to wonder, how many others here are in a long-distance relationship and how you cope with it. My bf lives in america, I live in canada, so it's 8 hours to see eachother and it hasn't been easy.

off topic: Grease the skids? Capcha, what are you trying to say to me!?

Have faith. Don't listen to these people saying that it's dumb. Yeah it's a risk but I've done it and I'm a success story for you to see that yours can work just as well. I'd met a girl on Guild Wars of all places and we ended up falling for each other. After a year of talking, she took a bus to where I was, without knowing for sure what I'd be. About twenty trips back and forth for us(and plenty of that lonely crying you had today), she just decided to move up.

She's been here for a year, is going to school here, and will be attending college with me. We are getting our own apartment in less than a year and I plan to ask her to marry me soon enough. Keep your head up and the trust strong, if you really work at it, it can succeed. Best of luck.

My boyfriend lives in Australia and I live in America. That's about as long as a long distance relationship can get.
We love each other a lot and that's more than enough to make it worth a try to keep working on our relationship. We talk everyday and spend every moment we can together.
Every relationship requires trust and patience. Sure he could lie to me but so could any person.

I love him and that's enough. It's more than worth it.
There's nobody I'd rather be with.

Arkansas and Massachusetts (That is a really weird word) here. 6.5 months and still going.

We met here on the Escapist, and met in person last month.

Long distance relationships aren't easy. There's a whole new set of issues that comes with the distance. But if you truly love the person, what else are you gonna do?

I might really hate the current situation, but I wouldn't trade what I have with my boyfriend for the world.

My girlfriend and I lived four hours away from each other. We were dating for a year and only saw each other like seven or eight times. Now we live together, and it's amazing. I couldn't imagine myself happier with anyone else. She's my world. (Sounds sappy, I know. Sue me.)

Funny thing is, I had more than one girl in my town that wanted to be with me. Some of them were really great girls. But I made my decision, stuck to my guns, and it's all paid off.

Long distance is tough, but if you love someone enough you can make it work. All that matters is whether or not you think you can handle it. Not everyone can, though. I don't blame those that give up. It wasn't easy. But so damn worth it.

geez the most I have on terms a long distance is a half hour drive but only get a chance to see each other once a month My previous relation ended cause I was moving away and that was...4 years ago ahhh freshman year
and if they were willing to make it work I would too

I'm not gonna lie, distance sucks. I live a six hour plane ride from my girlfriend and there are times where I feel physical pain not being able to be there with her.

That said, I wouldn't trade these last 6 months for anything. It's hard, but if you found the right person like I know I have, totally worth it.

I've been in two and they can work, it's difficult however. I recommend picking up a webcam for yourself and talking him into getting one as well, it's important to visit each-other at LEAST once a year. At some point you'll have to get together, or it'll fall apart.

BabyRaptor:

We met here on the Escapist, and met in person last month.

The coincidence between your avatar and the OP's avatar is striking, considering the coincidence of long distance relationships.

I've been in a long-distance relationship with my boyfriend for five years. It's been tough, I miss him, he's in Wisconsin and I'm in Oregon, and we only get to see each other during breaks. Originally, we were only two hours away, since I'm from Illinois, but now it's a four hour plane ride and a two hour car ride away, and it's still always worth it. We talk every day, and I guess it's to our advantage in that respect, we really know each other, and we really like each other. It's nice to know that I'll always find something to talk about with him, it makes me more confident in our future. I love him very much, and he loves me very much. It's really, really hard, not being able to be near him, or be held by him, or touch his hand when I want to make a point. It's hard when I get back from a visit to get used to going to bed without him next to me again. A lot of long distance relationships don't work, there are a lot of reasons why. Long distance relationships don't just require being in love, what they really require is that you LIKE each other, that you're interested in each other and you trust each other. It's not about passion, it's about bonding. Long-distance is a different beast than normal relationships are, and they require work and commitment, and sometimes that's not enough, some relationships and personalities just don't work over distance. That doesn't make them any less powerful or true relationships, just not one's that survive distance. Long distance requires a lot of patience, a lot of self-control, and forces you to learn how to approach conflict in a mature and thoughtful manner, because you can't slam a door, you have to deal with problems with words, and with an intent to actually solve them. I don't want anyone else, like, physically, as well as emotionally. I want to be with him, he wants to be with me, and we've worked to grow as people together, because otherwise the distance would naturally cause us to grow apart.

Seriously, I love that man, I don't care how far away he is.

Well, I've had mixed success.

You see, I met my first gf in Australia, and we got together only after I returned to England, promising that we'd meet again. I eventually went down to NZ (she came to visit me there once), and then a few months we broke up because she hadn't waited at all. In fact, she'd buggered off with someone else and I only got a confession once my mate in Australia showed me the evidence. So that's a bit of a no, really.

Second time, I met a girl who would later become my current girlfriend. I daresay that she's the most wonderful, sweet, intelligent lovely woman I've ever met (studying to become an engineer). I had been enrolled in Adelaide uni at the time, but I figured "we'll manage" and so it began.
Alas, my previous gf was there, and attempted to manipulate me into "hooking up". It didn't work, believe me. I stayed true and when an illness in the family meant that I had to pull up sticks and return to New Zealand, I can honestly say that I was still just as in love as I had been when first we met. We're currently celebrating 18 months together, and are now at the same university.

Moral? Well, really it depends on the people in the relationship. Madam, if you're loyal to him and he's loyal to you, then when you guys finally come together (you will, right?) then you'll always be able to say that you completed that challenge. Best of luck.

I'm in one, they do work though I suggest not doing it. We have met on multiple occasions as she love the city(Vancouver) I live in. Some people say that you can lie over the distance but I don't think it is worse than face to face. You really only learn the real person after living with them for a few months. Yes, there is the physical side of things and it pops up in my head once in a while but I only want her so it wouldn't make a difference.

Matthew94:

chinangel:

Matthew94:

I wouldn't call 4 years short term.

Like the other person said, you don't know what their personaility is like, only what they show you.

a lot of people seem to really dislike the idea of long-distance relationships.

It's more the thought of calling chatting with someone online for 4 years a relationship.

To me (and a few others) it isn't, you don't know what they are truly like.

you can say they same about a 'normal relationship' actually, so the point made about trust isn't any less true.

any way, i was in one for a year and a half, i didn't handle the distance well after a while :/ i just wanted to be with her, shame her job ate her life :/

Distance has been a factor in both of my long-term relationships. My first long relationship (2 years) me and my girl friend started dating Senior year of high school and eneded up at different colleges. I visited as often as I could and we could see each other for long stretches of time over Christmas and Summer breaks, but it was still a pain in the ass.

I've graduated now and my current girlfriend (dating for 13 months now) is still in school about 2 hours from where I live. I have a 9-5 standard day-job so I get to drive up and see her almost every weekend.

I have not been in a long distance relationship I couldn't handle (me and the former girl friend broke up for completely unrelated reasons). Yeah, its hard as dick, but if there is a enough love there you can do it... within reason. Obviously there are exceptions and there is no way I would be able to stick with a relationship if I couldn't see my girl friend for ridiculousness stretches of time. Though I have turned into a hopeless sap since I have been with my current girlfriend so I can't say more distance would kill it... I am head-over-fucking-heels >.>

I am friends with two couples that are currently dealing with long distance relationships and as far as I know they are keeping strong. In both cases one of them is studying abroad (China and Japan specifically) and my buddy Andy's (who is in China) girlfriend is actually going to Grad school in Wales so I have no fucking clue when they are going to be able to see each other again. I hope they make it... Andy has mad yellow-fever! D:

500 miles seperate me from my better half. We're still absolutely inseparable, have been for 7 or 8 years now, and we will eventually be together physically for the rest of our lives. It may yet be a couple more years, she's getting her college paid for by her parents so she can't just bugger off until that's done and I can't get a job[1] so I can't afford the gas it'd take to drive down to her and visit for a couple weeks, but we will eventually get together, head out to Nevada, and spend our days happy together.

It will work. You just need the right person. You ain't gonna get a long-distance to work with someone who isn't gonna be there for life.

Fun fact: I'd still be single if I had to do the in-person part first. I've been told time and again by people I get close to that I have a good personality and am a pleasure to be around, but in person, I put on a facade of part "I'm not even here, you don't see me, go on your way", "Fuck off", and "Im not interested in social interaction." On top of that, the latter actually is true, I prefer to avoid social interaction as much as possible when I'm out in public. Lastly I don't really give a shit about my looks so I'm not exactly male model material. That all removes any hooks that would allow anything meaningful to develop.

The best way past that wall is to get to know me in a manner that isn't physical at all, whether that be lan party, internet, phone calls, letters, whathaveyou.

[1] I look, I apply, I call, but nothing. Nobody's hiring. Most of them don't even have the balls to send back a "We're sorry but we don't have any openings for you" letter.

I think you have to be very strong, and very trusting, to really make a long-distance relationship work.

Personally, I don't think I could do it. First of all, one of the best things about having a significant other is to have their physical presence. That's just part of a relationship for me. And you have to really, truly feel as though you know the person: I don't think I'd be able to do that, either.

But, OP, if you really feel that strongly about your relationship, go for it, and best of luck. The romantic in me will be cheering for you.

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