Honest and you

A question that's been bugging me for a while is all about honesty: how, when and to what degree should we be honest and to whom?

My girlfriend keeps telling me to always be honest with her, but if she asks me if I like her hideous, 'trendy' new haircut which she and everyone else is in love with then I'm unlikely to tell her that I hate it because it would hurt her feelings, I'll just smile and say something nice.

It's nice to think that it's possible, but should/can you ever be completely, 100% honest with someone and not get them to hate you or you to hate them in return?

So, can any of you that wish to do so please give me your opinions and explanations on this matter, as honestly as you see fit

When people say they want you to be honest, They mostly just mean that they don't want you to lie about doing something shitty behind their back. If you lie about minor things like a hairstyle you dislike (though, you seem to reeeeeeeeally hate it) I don't think you're doing anything wrong. It's just common tact and politeness.

iAmNothing:
A question that's been bugging me for a while is all about honesty: how, when and to what degree should we be honest and to whom?

My girlfriend keeps telling me to always be honest with her, but if she asks me if I like her hideous, 'trendy' new haircut which she and everyone else is in love with then I'm unlikely to tell her that I hate it because it would hurt her feelings, vacuum I'll just smile and say something nice.

It's nice to think that it's possible, but should/can you ever be completely, 100% honest with someone and not get them to hate you or you to hate them in return?

So, can any of you that wish to do so please give me your opinions and explanations on this matter, as honestly as you see fit

Been with my girlfriend for a while and it's not difficult to tell her when she's bought something I'm not super excited about. You just need to learn to be a little more diplomatic about it.

Nobody likes outright "god damn you look like crap" even if its honest. Sandwich it between some compliments and even describe why you don't like it. Usually if you don't like something for a good reason, it's not too hard to get it across nicely. Bonus points if your reason is that it hides some other, awesome feature of her.

iAmNothing:

So, can any of you that wish to do so please give me your opinions and explanations on this matter, as honestly as you see fit

Seriously though, don't say it's awful, compliment it but suggest something different next time...

People don't really like reality all that much, so honesty tends to get you in their bad side. Usually you have to do a lot of rounding up and putting some nice 'on the other hands' in there if it's something personal like that.

I don't really get the deal with having to be honest about absolutely everything to be perfectly honest(I know I'm a genius). The subtle exaggerations and small white lies here and there keep the world go round in an orderly manner. So long as you don't tell any big lies about Important Things™, you're usually better off twisting reality in your and your acquaintances' favour a little.

Of course in a perfect world you would be able to speak your mind freely and openly, but as we all know we don't live in a perfect world. Humans are petty and frail little creatures, and facing the facts can be hard and even disadvantageous. That's why we're natural liars and aren't honest even to ourselves.

iAmNothing:
It's nice to think that it's possible, but should/can you ever be completely, 100% honest with someone and not get them to hate you or you to hate them in return?

You're under the strange impression that a difference of opinion always leads to hatred. I have a friend I've had for many years who still disagrees with me to this day on certain subjects; yet we still chat and hang out when our schedules allow.

Unfortunately, he's one of the few people that doesn't think like you do. I've known maybe a handful of people like that. The rest of the world seems to always draw lines in the sand when it comes to certain issues, when the only big difference it makes in your life is who you choose to be friends with.

If you can't even be honest with your woman, the relationship isn't worth having. My opinion of course, and what do I know really? I'd rather be hated for my honest than loved for my lies.

DevilWithaHalo:

iAmNothing:
It's nice to think that it's possible, but should/can you ever be completely, 100% honest with someone and not get them to hate you or you to hate them in return?

You're under the strange impression that a difference of opinion always leads to hatred. I have a friend I've had for many years who still disagrees with me to this day on certain subjects; yet we still chat and hang out when our schedules allow.

Unfortunately, he's one of the few people that doesn't think like you do. I've known maybe a handful of people like that. The rest of the world seems to always draw lines in the sand when it comes to certain issues, when the only big difference it makes in your life is who you choose to be friends with.

If you can't even be honest with your woman, the relationship isn't worth having. My opinion of course, and what do I know really? I'd rather be hated for my honest than loved for my lies.

I have a friend like that too. He won't hold back if he thinks that I'm talking shit or acting like an asshole. He isn't being malicious, he's just telling me his opinion and I prefer it that way rather than people disagreeing and not saying anything.

Me and my gf are fully honest with each other and sure it may not always be nice but at least we always know how each other feels. I think it works because although I may not like something I always am clear that I would never ask her change it if she likes it nor criticize her for being different.

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I try to be as honest as I can, unless it's in regards to a person I'm not emotionally involved with... like some kind of authority figure. In the case of my friends and loved ones they understand that complete honesty is in my nature and are not offended when I give them an opinion that is negative in some way.

I'd definitely lie on this one, but give her some small token victory on something you wouldn't usually tell her (make sure it has no chance of irritating her). There shouldn't have to be any explicit statement that you're being honest with each other, but it happens in a load of relationships.

Also the best way to tell a lie is to believe it, so maybe give the haircut a second chance?

I lie, cheat and steal to my advantage but I will be honest when I need to or if it benefits me. Also if it would hurt someone. I am honest with my wife unless it would hurt her by telling the truth.

I lie to everyone, what makes you so special?

I am one of those people who is brutally honest when it comes to "small" things, but lies when he needs to when something big comes along.

So in other words, I would have told that girl her haircut is hideous, but lied in a situation where most people on these forums would say one should be honest.

There's being honest. You know, being truthful in telling where you've been, what you've been doing, what your plans are for the night, etc. Then there is being stupidly honest and telling your girlfriend that not only does her favorite sweater look awful but you also hate the anime she's currently obsessing over, etc.

That doesn't mean you have to lie all the time, just don't be starting fights you don't need to. Don't sweat the little things.

seeing as how im joining the army as an officer later in life integrity really is a key part of it and I try to be as honest as possible but at the same time no one is perfect, and the occasional white lie never hurt anyone and telling a girl friend what you really think isn't always a good idea and allot of the time is just unnecessary and counter productive

meh I tell the brutal truth most of the time.. I try to only lie when I feel it would directly benefit me and I care enough about the situation at hand to put that effort in

xSKULLY:
seeing as how im joining the army as an officer later in life integrity really is a key part of it and I try to be as honest as possible but at the same time no one is perfect, and the occasional white lie never hurt anyone and telling a girl friend what you really think isn't always a good idea and allot of the time is just unnecessary and counter productive

eh your not gonna make it very far as an officer if you are truly honest... I mean integrity is good in an officer but if you want to actually make it you will need to lie... nothing majorly bad just a lot of lying in the form of ass kissing and boot licking superiors when they spout stupid shit... again it's mostly little white lies and "sir,yes,sirs" even when you don't agree but that is simply the way it works especially because of the strict disciplinary rules and customs... just remember your entire life and career is in the hands of your superiors so a lot of pandering is needed if you plan on advancing

it's one of the reasons I liked and stayed lower level enlisted... I'm incapable of more than a little pandering before I just can't do it anymore and get rude

I always try to be 100% honest to anyone who asks me.

Iv'e lost friends over it , iv'e pissed people off over it and iv'e been punched in the face for it, but I always try to be honest.

I'm usually truthful--as most situations can end up becoming humorous as "I fell asleep doing my other homework, and then my alarm went on late this morning..." isn't as funny as "In all complete honesty, I forgot entirely." The truth is refreshing.
Nonetheless, that doesn't bar me from lying--usually white lies in most circumstances, but I rarely perform in such a way.
Why? Lying doesn't benefit me in most of the time, and to quote Holden Caulfield "I'm no phony," and I'm proud of the individual I've become. One should say what's on your mind and be kind to those around you, even if you disagree--it's better for one to be nonchalant than pissed off.

Poerts:
When people say they want you to be honest, They mostly just mean that they don't want you to lie about doing something shitty behind their back. If you lie about minor things like a hairstyle you dislike (though, you seem to reeeeeeeeally hate it) I don't think you're doing anything wrong. It's just common tact and politeness.

Lying is polite? What kind of backwards logic did modern society teach us? Seriously , i think everyone should be 100% honest with everyone else . At least there you know where you stand with everyone . Although that doesn't sound realistic , i think that would be best . But because people are so sensitive and there might be social repercussions , they don't . And people that are blunt and honest are viewed as assholes . This is the best way to build a society of hypocrits .

Personally i am always honest and blunt . Why? Because it prevents misunderstanding . Be girlfriend asks me a question? I always tell her my honest opinion , at least then she knows what i think , and i'm not sugarcoating anything . At first she found it weird . But she has told me many times that she prefers it that way , at least she can always know i am not bullshitting her and that i mean what i say no matter what it is .

I think honesty is the best policy more often than not. At the same time, if someone says, 'be honest with me' then they better damn well be prepared for the 'honest truth', or they're lying not only to you, but themselves.

I guess being honest with ones self would overcome this to a degree, so yeah... go with honesty.

At the same time I don't like it when people always say, "I'm just telling the truth," or "I'm just being honest," as a justification for being a dick.

Honesty is often viewed as the ethically correct thing to do, but this is something I disagree with greatly.

Being honest in saying you hate someone's haircut, especially if you're their significant other, is going to wound that person, and make them feel self-conscious about it. We would consider it morally wrong to insult someone dishonestly if it produced the same effect.
The only difference between the two is the element of honesty, and I personally don't feel this makes up for the hurt you may cause the other person. Hurting someone is ethically wrong, and you doing it to be honest doesn't make up for that fact.

Being dishonest can also cause great harm, but only when you are covering up something that a person could discover for themselves and be greatly hurt by, such as cheating.

If I don't like something, it will be heard.
The KONY 2012 fiasco comes to mind, everyone at my school had watched the vid and wouldn't shut up. So I expressed my disinterest in the topic, called them pathetic because it took them a video to figure out that slavery happens in other countries, and then moved on. I did get a lot of dirty looks, but some shit doesn't stand.
She is your GF, if it was me I would tell her the cut is awful, because I would expect the same honesty in return. And as a couple, you should respect each others opinion's.

The thing is that most people just want you to agree with them. Have to ask it like an open ended question to make you feel like your opinion matters. Every girl I met doesn't know what the hell she wants so I avoid these questions with a ten foot pole.

I try to be as honest as possible. The more lies you build the harder it hits when they come crashing down.

It's simple: When people tell you they want you to be honest with them, it means they want you to tell them what they want to hear.

Before answering any question or even making a statement, I consider three important factors:

1. Will life be easier if I lie?
2. What is the chance they will find out I am lying?
3. How do the current benefits weigh against the possibility of being discovered in the future?

In the case of lying about your opinions, the answer to two is practically 0% provided you don't admit it yourself, thereby making three non-applicable as well. This lie is a good lie. Remember, people who say they want you to be honest with them don't actually want you to be honest with them. They just want to believe you are honest so they can feel like they can trust someone. As long as you lie properly there's no reason for them to doubt you and they will be perfectly happy.

Remember, lies have never ruined a relationship. Lies are the grease that allows human interaction to run smoothly. It is truth that ruins relationships. Truth, which is made out to be a wonderful thing, is really the weight that puts pressure on the intricate and delicate machinations of love. What someone doesn't know can't hurt them.

I like to feel I'm pretty honest about things 99% of the time. If my friend introduces me to one of this friends/the person he/she is trying to date, I'll let them know if I like them or not. Although I'd be more apt to telling little-white-lies to my girlfriend/wife/significant other as long as it wasn't earth shatteringly important in the long run. For example: I'd tell her I liked a dress when I really didn't if it were just something she bought for no real reason other than a party or just for kicks, but I'd let her know that I don't like it if she plans on using it for, say, a job interview or something

I do however have a "code" if you will about being as honest with someone as they are with me. I was, for the most part, completely honest with my ex girlfriend when we were dating (if you could call it that), but when I found out that basically everything about our relationship was a lie on her part, I made sure to make everything on my part a lie as well on the rare occasions we...uh..."tolerate each others company". If you're not going to be honest with me, then I'm not going to be honest with you

If you're enjoying telling the lies keep on trucking.

But if the conversation actually matters to you be honest.

You can't be a slave to someone else's feelings, otherwise what's the point.

I'm single by the way. So this isn't relationship advice, it's just general life advice.

manic_depressive13:
Before answering any question or even making a statement, I consider three important factors:

1. Will life be easier if I lie?
2. What is the chance they will find out I am lying?
3. How do the current benefits weigh against the possibility of being discovered in the future?

I agree with this three step program.

ThePenguinKnight:

manic_depressive13:
Before answering any question or even making a statement, I consider three important factors:

1. Will life be easier if I lie?
2. What is the chance they will find out I am lying?
3. How do the current benefits weigh against the possibility of being discovered in the future?

I agree with this three step program.

true.. it beats that crappy 12 step one my family and the courts keep trying to push on me :P

I think some people in this thread are confusing honesty with rudeness. It is perfectly possible to be gentle, kind, and honest. To the OP, you could tell her you don't really like her hair cut in a way which won't hurt her feelings. For example you could tell her you still think shes beautiful, but that it's not your favorite haircut that shes had. In this way your telling her the truth but also presenting it in a way that well have the lest negative emotional impact.

We shouldn't equate insensitivity with honesty as the two have little to do with one another.

Being honest tends to be an excuse for people to be a dick. If your girlfriend gets a bad haircut, there's a difference between saying "damn your haircut is ugly ya ugly bitch" and "im not really a fan of it, but you're still beautiful to me"

Surely,no matter how brutally honest you are,you have to consider the person you're talking to.Would they like the hard truth,will they accept it,how will they react to it?
Most of the time I'm very honest,too much in the world I live in for that matter and that usually ends up kicking me in the ass.
I also tend to hide truths,even if they're blatantly obvious,usually in those cases I know that it's just better not to attempt to lie.

I practise near 100% honesty. I will tell white lies to avoid offending, or when something isn't my secret to tell, but apart from that, I never lie any more.

 

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