Frank was excited about his new rifle, and decided to try bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it.
There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was my cousin, and you have got two choices. Either I maul you to death, or we have sex."
After considering briefly, Frank decided to accede to the latter alternative. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge for his humiliation.
He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it.
There was another tap on his shoulder. This time, a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a huge mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you have got two choices. Either I maul you to death, or we have rough sex."
Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate. Although he survived, it did take several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged, he headed back to the woods and he managed to track down the grizzly and shot it.
He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.
The polar bear said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
Moses hits his ball and it lands in the water. He walks out to it, touches the water with his club and the water parts, allowing him to play through for a birdie.
Jesus hits his ball and it lands ON the water. He walks on the water to it and plays through for a birdie as well.
The old man hits his ball and it sails up into the air, hits a hawk then falls into a tree, hits a squirrel and ricochets into a neighboring yard where a dog catches it in his mouth, runs across the fairway and drops it on the green where it rolls into the hole for a "Hole in One".
Moses looks at Jesus and says: "I hate playing with your Dad".
Hey, me too. Somebody posted it in a thread here. After several screens I was getting intrigued but also slightly wierded out. When I scrolled down to check, I found out I wasn't even halfway (but still around 40% of the way) so I decided to just finish it.
Anyway,
A survivor from a ship wreck found himself on an unknown island. Away from home, family, friends and any help, he decided to walk around and hopefully find shelter and food.
But as he traversed the unknown land, he fell into a pit. Disguised and clearly man made - a trap. Finding that there was no way out, the man settled on waiting. And not long he was found by people - obviously a local tribe.
They offered him a choice "Death or makumba?" they said. The man didn't know what "makumba" was but obviously didn't like the other option, so "Makumba." he chose. "Makumba. Makumba." the savages started chanting. The largest and the most...well endowed tribesman then proceeded to make love to him. The survivor wasn't thrilled but reminded himself that it's better than death.
After the act, he was let out to roam the island again. Not long after, he fell into another trap. The savages found him again and gave him the same choice as before "Death or makumba?". Not happy about it, the man chose makumba again repeating to himself that it was better than dying. Again the chants "Makumba. Makumba." accompanied the act.
So set free upon the island for the third time, our protagonist decided to be very careful where he went. But alas, he fell into another trap. Getting desperate enough now, when presented with the familiar choice of "Death or makumba", he chose the former. Everybody started chanting "Death through makumba. Death through makumba."
Oh my god, this is getting so meta. I had found this online, quite some time ago. It claims to be true but I don't know. Haven't checked it and I have no desire to do so. Also, the comments in the brackets aren't mine:
A Maths textbook by publishing house "ЭКСМО-Пресс" (Russia) in 2002. These are some of the problems in the textbook. The text has NOT been changed - it is exactly copied from the book: 1. A corner is cut from a table. How many corners are left? How many corners would be left if two, three or four corners are cut? [Answer: If the table square (which isn't obvious), then of course we'll have five. Or four. Depends how you cut them. And that is if we keep cutting in a straight line. If we cut another one then again it depends which one and how exactly are we cutting it. Generally, the problem is too badly worded - there are too many assumptions.]
2. We have 5 light bulbs working on the chandelier. Two of them burn out. How many light bulbs are left on the chandelier? [Answer: Excellent problem. I hope it's clear there are 5 left (it doesn't say anywhere that the bulbs were removed after they burned out). Come to think about it there could have been only 5 working but in fact the there were 10.]
3. A mother has a daughter Dasha, a son Sasha, a dog Shaggy, and a cat Kitten. How many children did the mother have? [Answer: Biologically - two. Legally - two, again. Whether or not she considers the animals for her children (even adopted) is another question.]
4. There are 8 shoes in the corridor. How many children are playing in the room? [Answer: Hmm, yes... Without profound knowledge, the problem is hard. We could assume with high degree if accuracy that they are not more than 4, except if somebody came barefoot or entered with his shoes still on. If we are going to delve deeper... who knows of these are children's shoes... it could turn out that there are no children in the room.]
5. There are 12 knives on several tables . How many tables are in the room? [Answer: Obviously - none. Or many... A killer problem!!!!!!]
6. The hen Mirka gave birth to some chickens: one red and two white. How many chickens does Mirka have? [Answer: It goes without saying that the chickens are three but Mirka is a mutant hen - it gives birth.]
Two blackbirds, two swallows, two hedgehogs (might be a typing mistake in Russian) flew over a house. How many birds did fly over? [Answer: Flew over a house? If the ability to fly does not make the hedgehog a bird (might have just been thrown very high with great force), then the birds are 4.]
8. Three sparrows were sitting on the water. One flew away. How many were left? [Answer: One is left. The one that flew away. The other sank. Guaranteed!]
9. A multicoloured ring is rolling on a table: one part is red, the other green, and the third is yellow. When the ring gets to the end of the table, which colour would we see? [Answer: If we assume that the table has corners. As for the multicoloured ring: how should I know?]
10. Children's books are sitting on the book shelf. A dog ran over and got one, then another one, then another two. How many books would it read? [Answer: Who knows how many. Not more than four. After all it can't read everything. But however many books it reads, it would be of use - the dog is obviously smart.]
11. Mother dropped a tray which had two cups decorated with pictures of flowers, two decorated with pictures of peaches, and two decorated with pictures of strawberries. How many cups are left? [Answer: Depends on the softness of the floor (or wherever else she dropped them) and the fragility of the cups...]
12. The oak tree has three branches each of which has three apples. How many apples are there? [Answer: How many in the world or on the oak? On the oak there are nine. All the apples - ma-a-any... (actually an oak with apples - somebody could have nailed three apple branches or grafted them?)]
13. How many chickens did the rooster take out, if he laid 5 eggs? [Answer: Take them out where? On a walk? Perhaps many. But since the eggs were just laid (by the rooster...) we're not counting them.]
14. A banana falls from the Christmas Tree every 5 minutes. How many would fall in an hour? [Answer: Clearly - 12. Unless the guy with the bag of bananas runs out earlier.]
15. Masha's skirt has got three cherries embroidered and two apples. A cherry and two apples were eaten. How many fruits were left? [Answer: On the skirt - there were 5 images of fruits (if the cherry is a fruit) embroidered. And the fruit are three less than before.]
Diddy_Mao: A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says.
"Make me one with everything."
Lmao! I actually love this one! =D
OT:
Two men are drinking in a bar, which is on the 80th floor of a particular building. One of them, who was very drunk, says to the other "I bet you I can jump out that window and live". The bartender is shaking his head and sighing. The other man, who is a little drunk, replies "Not a chance", so the very drunk man says "Alright then, watch me". He walks up to the window, opens it and jumps out without hesitation. The other man runs to the window to see him glide around the side of the building and disappear from sight. Way further down, he appears around the other side of the building and swoops in through an open window. 2 minutes later, he comes through the elevator doors. The slightly drunk man can only stare in astonishment. "How did you do that? I can't believe it!". "Alright then, I'll do it again!" says the very drunk man. So again he jumps out, as the other man watches him glide around the building and through a window. Again he comes through the elevator doors. "See?" says the very drunk man. "Alright then, I wanna try this" says the other. The slightly drunk man walks up to the window and jumps out. He falls straight down to the ground and hits the concrete with nothing to stop him.
The bartender says to the very drunk man "You know, you're a real asshole when you're drunk Superman".
racial humour - don't open if you're easily 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
racial humour - don't open if you're easily 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
A few of my personal favourites, don't worry they're pretty short.
Billy was a chemists son, but now he is no more, What he though was H20 was H2SO4.
Mickey Mouse is in divorce court. The Judge says to him: "So Mr. Mouse, you want to divorce your wife because she's crazy?" Mickey replies: "Um no, I think what you heard me say is that she's fuckin' Goofy."
What are the two dirtiest animals in the farm yard? Brown chick and brown cow (think about it)
racial humour - don't open if you're easily 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
Oh those are so mean. You little scoundrels you.....
Uhhh....... I don't really know jokes. Not my forte.
Why did the mathematician build a railgun? So he could perform Gauss Elimination. ------------ ------------ Why is that ALU so ridiculous? Because it was designed in Xili(nx) ------------ ------------ What did the engineer put on the barbie? Some 11011110101011011011111011101111. ------------ ------------ Why did everyone turn up to the wedding in gimp suits? Because the invitations were created in Latex.
how many hippies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? none, hippies screw in a dirty sleeping bag.
Why does Mexico do so poorly in the olympics? because anyone who can run, jump or swim is over the border.
(edit) also, I read about 1/4 of that worlds longest joke then skipped to the end, a choice I would rather make again, if your going to read that joke read the whole thing.
Guy walks into a bar. He says to the bartender: "If I show you something amazing can I get a free drink?". The bartender agrees and the man pulls out a tiny Hamster who begins singing and dancing for the entire bar. Amazed the bartender reluctantly gives the man his free drink. The man then says: "If I show you another amazing thing can I get another fee beer?", "Sure replies the bartender. The man then pulls out the hamster, a frog, and a tiny piano. The hamster sits at the piano, cracks his knuckles. The Frog instantly begins singing for the entire bar; and the man gets his drink. A gentleman sitting next to the man with his talented frog says: "Wow that's is amazing. I will give you 250,000 for that frog". "He's not for sale" responds the other guy. "500,000!" the gentleman offers. "Alright" responds the guy and they conduct the sale. "You're a fool. You could have made millions with that frog". "Not really" says the man."Can you keep a secret? The hamster is a ventriloquist!"
Three men get stranded on an island; a Brit, a Frenchman, and an idiot. They get captured by the indigenous cannibals who explain that they are going to kill these three men, eat their flesh and use their skin to make canoes. The British man manages to convince the tribe to grant them each one final wish, which the tribes reluctantly agrees. The Brit explaining how they love great beers asks for a glass of the tribes best beer which he gets. The Frenchman says that his people love nothing more than women and asks to sleep with the most beautiful tribeswomen and they bring him a beautiful woman. The idiot steps forward and after thinking about it asks if for his last wish he could have a fork. He gets the fork. The other two guys ask what he intends to do with a fork? The idiot begins quickly stabbing himself throughout his entire body screaming: "They ain't making no canoe out of my skin"
"This tale is set in Gold Rush days, when the place to be was the Yukon. Because wool and meat were so vital, sheep became very valuable. One of the wealthiest women in town was a tough old lady named Beatrice, who had moved there from Boston but had become so acclimated that everyone called her Yukoned Bea."
"Bea owned 26 sheep, which she named for the letters of the alphabet. Ewe A, Ewe B, and so on. Bea ran the only hotel in town, but she was opposed to drinking, and wouldn't rent rooms to any man who had a hint of alcohol on his breath. This didn't sit well with the local saloon-keepers, Hiram Lovedaw and Hubert Loff, so they bet Bea that one of them could invent a drink that even her sharp nose couldnt detect. The winner would get her best sheep, Ewe F. She agreed, and they went to work. Lovedaws drink was called Blue Lightning, and Loff called his Mountain Dew (this was long before the carbonated beverage of the same name). The day of the competition arrived, and Lovedaw went first. He took a long swig of Blue Lightning. Bea smelled his breath, and announced that she couldnt detect a thing. The it was Loff's turn, and Lovedaw was hoping that his friend would fail. Do you know why?"
Because....
Spoiler: Click to ViewPHA+IklmIFl1a29uZWQgQmVhIHdoaWZmZWQgRGV3IG9uIEh1Z2ggTG9mZiwgTG92ZWRhdyB3b24gRXdlIEYuIjwvcD4=
So while ol' George W was president, three Brazilian soldiers had been killed. When this news reached him, he absolutely PANICKED, pacing back and forth, wondering "What to do, what to do...?"
So after a couple of hours of this, he calls over one of his aides, and asks him:
God and Petrus stand at the gate of heaven. God says:" Petrus, it just gets too crowded in there. Listen, from now on, you only let people in, who died a really special death, ok?" Petrus agrees and takes his position in front of the gate again. After five minutes a soul wants to pass and Petrus says: "Only if you died a special death." "No Problem", replies the soul "So i just got home a little early from work and what do i see? There's my wife naked in the bed. Of course i think 'She had a lover'. I search for him everywhere. Under the bed, in the bathroom, in the kitchen. Now i go look on my balcony and that bastard is still hanging on balustrade. I hit him on the hand, he falls down, but is still able to crawl away. I run into the kitchen, take the fridge, and throw it at him. sadly the fridge was too heavy, so while throwing it, i fell from the balcony myself and broke my neck." "Ok you can come in". 5 minutes later another soul wants to pass the gate. "Only if you had a special death" "Well, listen then. I ordered this beatiful flower, a few days ago and it finally arived. I wanted to place it on my balcony, but i triped over something and fell off. Luckily i could grab the balustrade a few stores down. But then some mad man hits on my hand,i survive the fall and try to get away and that bastard throws a fridge on me." "Ok you can pass" Another 5 minutes pass and another soul comes by. "Only if you died a special death." "Ok, so i was just visiting my girlfriend, to get some action and then her husband comes home. I hide myself in the fridge..." "Ok, you can come in."
They go to the Vatican to see the pope. When they got to his room they find the Pope lying there, dead from a heart attack. They both panic, and they hide the body under the bed. They then all go to Ladbrokes and place a bet that the pope was going to die today. A few days later, they win the bet and go to collect their winnings The Englishmen says "oh man, were in the dosh, I'm going to spend it all on coke and women" the Scottishman says " Yahoo, I'm going to have a Haggis bath party with all these winnings" and then the English, and Scottishman turn to the Irishmen, and says "so what are you going to do with you're winnings" Then the Irishman sighs and says "I haven't got any money" then the Englishman and Scottishman goes "why's that?", then the irishman replies "I made a double on the arch bishop of Canterbury".
I've got another one...
A Englishman, A Scottishman, and A Irishman.
All three of them have a orgy with this prostitute. Nine months later the Prostitute has a baby, so she goes round their houses to find out the father of the baby. The prostitute knocks on the Englishman door and says "when you made love to me did you use a condom?" the Englishman reply "I sure did little miss" then the Prostitute knocks on the scottishman's door "when you made love to me did you use a condom" "I sure did me wee lass" then finally the prostitute knocks on the Irishman's door "when you made love to me did you use a condom?" "I did girl, but it was too long, so I snipped a piece off"
Launcelot111: What did one lesbian vampire say to the other?
Spoiler: Click to ViewPHA+IlNlZSB5b3UgbmV4dCBtb250aCI8L3A+CjxwPi4uLkknbGwgc2VlIG15c2VsZiBvdXQ8L3A+
At first I was like 'huh'? And then I was like 'NO. Nononononononono!'
If we're sharing that level of humour though:
"Jesus loves you."
A nice gesture in church.
A horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison.
So Very Fucking HarshPHA+TWUgYW5kIHRoZSB3aWZlIHdlcmUgaW4gdGhlIHNob3BwaW5nIGNlbnRyZSBlYXJsaWVyLCB3aGVyZSB3ZSByb3VuZGVkIGEgY29ybmVyIHRvIHNlZSBhIGdhZ2dsZSBvZiB5b3VuZyBnaXJscywgYWxsIHdlYXJpbmcgbmV4dCB0byBub3RoaW5nLCBwb3VyaW5nIG91dCBvZiBobXYuPGJyIC8+IlBob2FyciEiLCBJIHNhaWQgdG8gdGhlIHdpZmUsIHBvaW50aW5nIGF0IGEgZ29yZ2VvdXMgbGFzcyBvZiBhYm91dCB0d2VudHkuICJJIGJldCB5b3UnZCBmdWNraW5nIGxvdmUgdG8gaGF2ZSBsZWdzIGxpa2UgaGVyLiI8L3A+CjxwPlNoZSBkaWRuJ3QgcmVzcG9uZCwgYnV0IEkgY291bGQgdGVsbCBzaGUgd2FzIHVwc2V0LjwvcD4KPHA+SSBjb3VsZCBoZWFyIHRoZSBzb2JzIGFzIEkgd2hlZWxlZCBoZXIgdXAgdGhlIHJhbXAgaW50byBEZWJlbmhhbXMuPC9wPg==
This joke I've known for years, it's probably my favourite. Please read it all and enjoy!
Jimmy was a smart, athletic and cool kid who his millionaire father loved very much. Jimmy wasn't selfish, he was very sociable and was content throughout his childhood.
There was one thing though. Every year, on his birthday ever since he learned how to speak, he requested his father got him a pink golf ball. When the father asked why he was met with silence. The same for his friends and relatives. Nobody know why he only ever wanted a pink golf ball. Nobody ever know what he did with them either.
On his 10th birthday, 1 pink golf ball. 11th, a pink golf ball. 12th, 13th, 14th, 15th and 16th - nothing but a pink golf ball. Upon receiving them he showed little emotion except slight gratitude.
Then on his 17th, his father know it was time to get Jimmy a special present. This is the UK after all and Jimmy can now finally learn to drive, so his father bought him all the driving lessons Jimmy would need, a provisional licence and a brand new car. But Jimmy wasn't content, he went to his dad and said: "Dad, thanks and all but can I please just have a pink golf ball?".
His dad told him to keep the other gifts, but reluctantly went and got Jimmy a pink gold ball too.
The cycle continues all the way up until one day when Jimmy was 21 years old. He was going to the shops when he parked up on the side of the road, and as he ran across he got hit by a bus.
Lying there in hospital, Jimmy's father ran in and comforted his son. Knowing it was the end, his father ask sobbingly: "Jimmy, why oh why for all these years have you only ever wanted a pink golf ball?".
With his final few breaths, as his heart rate slowed, Jimmy looked up lovingly at his father... and died. The moral of the story is, look both ways before you cross the road.
Bvenged: This joke I've known for years, it's probably my favourite. Please read it all and enjoy!
Jimmy was a smart, athletic and cool kid who his millionaire father loved very much. Jimmy wasn't selfish, he was very sociable and was content throughout his childhood.
There was one thing though. Every year, on his birthday ever since he learned how to speak, he requested his father got him a pink golf ball. When the father asked why he was met with silence. The same for his friends and relatives. Nobody know why he only ever wanted a pink golf ball. Nobody ever know what he did with them either.
On his 10th birthday, 1 pink golf ball. 11th, a pink golf ball. 12th, 13th, 14th, 15th and 16th - nothing but a pink golf ball. Upon receiving them he showed little emotion except slight gratitude.
Then on his 17th, his father know it was time to get Jimmy a special present. This is the UK after all and Jimmy can now finally learn to drive, so his father bought him all the driving lessons Jimmy would need, a provisional licence and a brand new car. But Jimmy wasn't content, he went to his dad and said: "Dad, thanks and all but can I please just have a pink golf ball?".
His dad told him to keep the other gifts, but reluctantly went and got Jimmy a pink gold ball too.
The cycle continues all the way up until one day when Jimmy was 21 years old. He was going to the shops when he parked up on the side of the road, and as he ran across he got hit by a bus.
Lying there in hospital, Jimmy's father ran in and comforted his son. Knowing it was the end, his father ask sobbingly: "Jimmy, why oh why for all these years have you only ever wanted a pink golf ball?".
With his final few breaths, as his heart rate slowed, Jimmy looked up lovingly at his father... and died. The moral of the story is, look both ways before you cross the road.
