Hey, got any good jokes? Let's share them! ("Corny to the point of being funny" jokes welcome too!)

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Know any good sodium hypobromite jokes?

NaBrO.

Two Gentlemen were sitting at a bar having a few drinks. One turns to the other and says

"hey did you know that if you jump from the top of the Empire State Building the updraft is so strong it'll bring you back up?"

the other man says "bullshit" and makes the challenge. So they both go to the empire state building at the top and the first man jumps and a few seconds later he comes back up.

The second says "beginner's luck, do it again" so he jumps and again comes back up. Now seeing the success he tries and immediately falls to the concrete and splatters.

A few hours later the first man is back in the bar and the story about a man jumping from the top of the building is playing on the news. The bartender turns to the guy and says "Ya know Superman you're real ass when you're drunk"

My personal chuckle favorite

There's a girl named Mary who goes to catholic school, but she has a problem, she always falls asleep during class.

One day during her napping her instructor approaches her desk and asks her the question "Mary who is humanity's lord and savior?" Her classmate Johnny pokes her from behind with a pencil and in a shock she wakes up and shouts "JESUS!".

The instructor couldn't believe she answered a question and thus applauded her.

The next day Mary falls asleep and again the instructor asks "Mary who's the lord of humanity?" Johnny pokes her again and wakes up to shout "JESUS" the instructor again is pleases.

The day after that Mary again is caught sleeping and the instructor changes up the questions and asks here "Mary what did Eve say after having her 34th kid?" Johnny to get her attention pokes her with a pencil and Mary a bit upset turns to Johnny with anger and shouts "IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I'M BREAKING IT IN HALF"

A guy is chatting up a girl at a bar

He says "You remind me of my baby toe"

She says "Why?Is it cos I'm small and cute?"

He replies "Nah it's cos I'm probably gonna bang you on the coffee table later"

A man walks into a pub and orders a pint. The guy serving behind the bar says "That'll be one penny, mate".

The man, who is a little taken aback, says "One penny? That's incredible!" He pays and enjoys his drink. When he's finished, he orders another. Bartender says again "One penny, mate". Realising he's onto a good thing the man orders several more drinks, each time only being charged a penny.

After a while he decides he needs something to soak up the booze and orders a 12oz sirloin steak from the menu. Bartender says "One penny, mate". Not believing his good fortune, the man eats and enjoys a delicious grilled steak. After he's finished he approaches the bartender once more.

"Do you own this place?" he asks. "No mate, I just work here" the bartender replies.

"Well could you fetch me the owner? I'd like to shake his hand. I've never seen such great prices!"

"He's busy at the moment," says the bartender, "he's upstairs in his office with my wife".

Baffled, the man asks "What's he doing up there with your wife?"

The bartender smiles and replies "The same thing I'm doing to his business".

Three mice were having drinks one day and one of them suddenly says, "I'm so tough I sprinkle some rat poison in my coffee every morning, just for the buzz". The second one says "I go to mousetraps, trigger them, then catch the bar and do 20 bench presses. That way I get a workout and a snack". The third one simply finishes his drink, stands up, and says "I'm going home, fellas. Gonna go fuck the cat".

I've got a couple.

What does an accountant do when he gets constipated?
He works it out with a pencil.

Okay, the silliest joke I ever heard:

Q: What goes "ththththththth"?
A: A thnake.

Silly as hell, but cracks me up every time.

What do you get when you stick a knife in a baby?


What's the hardest thing about watching a child getting hit by a car?

I'm here all week folks.

A man walks into a bar and orders 3 drinks and says "I like to order 2 more drinks for my brothers; they're in the army now and I like to drink their drinks for them, to make it like they're still here." He then goes off and drinks all three.

This goes on for weeks and weeks and then one day, the man walks in and says "Today, I'll have just have 2 drinks." The bartender looks real worried and says "Well..What happened? Did something happen to your brothers?" The man says "Oh nothing, I just decided to stop drinking."

For all in the U.K.

Why did Princess Diana cross the road?

Because she wasn't wearing her seatbelt.

This was the first one that popped in my head because I just got told it yesterday. It's not great but here goes.

What do women and aeroplanes have in common?

Actually I have one that's been in my phone for ages.

An 8 year old boy and his 5 year old brother are upstairs playing before breakfast, the elder turns to his brother and says "When we go downstairs we should start swearing to see what mum does." "OK" replies the 5 year old.

They go downstairs and sit themselves at the table and their mum asks the 8 year old "What would you like for breakfast, sweetheart?" The boy replies "Some Coco Pops please, bitch" furious, the mother smacks her son in the head and he falls to the floor crying. She then turns to the 5 year old and asks sternly "What would you like for breakfast?" Looking at his brother the 5 year old replies "I don't know but it won't be fucking Coco Pops."

This is a French joke that I'm translating there, so bear with me, folks:

Marius is taking horseback riding lessons (his horse is a male). His good friend Oliver comes over and sees Marius passing by.
After the latter comes back, Oliver goes up to him and asks:
"Marius, what are you doing riding this hermaphrodite animal?"
Marius, surprised, leans over and points at the animal's prominent genitalia and says:
"Hermaphrodite? Well then what the hell is that?"
Oliver smiles then answers: "You're forgetting about the cunt on top."

King of Asgaard:
I've got a couple.

Watchmen and The Killing Joke. Nice.

Here's mine that I heard years ago:

King of Asgaard:

image

What's the difference between a dead baby and a trampoline?

Why yes, I am going to Hell! Thanks for noticing!

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. So the barman says "Is this some kind of joke?"

No? Hm... tough crowd.

Here's a mystery. It would appear an unknown person has snuck into my garden, and has been putting down layers of topsoil. The plot thickens...

Q: Why don't seagulls fly over the bay?
A: Because then they'd be BAYgulls. (bagels)

Hazy992:
What's the difference between a dead baby and a trampoline?

Why yes, I am going to Hell! Thanks for noticing!

What's worse than 10 dead babies nailed to a tree?

RJ 17:

Hazy992:
What's the difference between a dead baby and a trampoline?

Why yes, I am going to Hell! Thanks for noticing!

What's worse than 10 dead babies nailed to a tree?

Oh god, we're terrible people!

What's the difference between a Ferrari and a pile of dead babies?

Hazy992:

RJ 17:

Hazy992:
What's the difference between a dead baby and a trampoline?

Why yes, I am going to Hell! Thanks for noticing!

What's worse than 10 dead babies nailed to a tree?

Oh god, we're terrible people!

What's the difference between a Ferrari and a pile of dead babies?

Now you're just admitting to being a murderer! :P

What's the different between a truck full of empty beer bottles and a truck full of dead babies?

DoPo:

TheBobmus:
Also the Longest Joke in the World, which I have actually read.

Hey, me too. Somebody posted it in a thread here. After several screens I was getting intrigued but also slightly wierded out. When I scrolled down to check, I found out I wasn't even halfway (but still around 40% of the way) so I decided to just finish it.

Anyway,

A survivor from a ship wreck found himself on an unknown island. Away from home, family, friends and any help, he decided to walk around and hopefully find shelter and food.

But as he traversed the unknown land, he fell into a pit. Disguised and clearly man made - a trap. Finding that there was no way out, the man settled on waiting. And not long he was found by people - obviously a local tribe.

They offered him a choice "Death or makumba?" they said. The man didn't know what "makumba" was but obviously didn't like the other option, so "Makumba." he chose. "Makumba. Makumba." the savages started chanting. The largest and the most...well endowed tribesman then proceeded to make love to him. The survivor wasn't thrilled but reminded himself that it's better than death.

After the act, he was let out to roam the island again. Not long after, he fell into another trap. The savages found him again and gave him the same choice as before "Death or makumba?". Not happy about it, the man chose makumba again repeating to himself that it was better than dying. Again the chants "Makumba. Makumba." accompanied the act.

So set free upon the island for the third time, our protagonist decided to be very careful where he went. But alas, he fell into another trap. Getting desperate enough now, when presented with the familiar choice of "Death or makumba", he chose the former. Everybody started chanting "Death through makumba. Death through makumba."

Just because I've watched it,


What do you call a dumb, drunk midget? Drinky-Dink.........Shut up.

RJ 17:

Hazy992:

RJ 17:
What's worse than 10 dead babies nailed to a tree?

Oh god, we're terrible people!

What's the difference between a Ferrari and a pile of dead babies?

Now you're just admitting to being a murderer! :P

What's the different between a truck full of empty beer bottles and a truck full of dead babies?

How do you make a dead baby float?

Diddy_Mao:
A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says.

"Make me one with everything."

i saw what you did there.....
5 minuites ago

i am too lazy to write it myself so here we go

There were three guys in a forest.
Then they were being attacked by cannibals.

The cannibals said that they wouldn't eat them if they bring back 10 of the same fruit.
So the three guys go into the forest to get the fruit.
The first guy comes back with 10 apples.
Then the cannibals say, "Now the second thing you have to do is shove them up your a$$ without changing the expression on your face."
So the guy shoves the first apple up his a$$ and then whinces. So the cannibals eat him.
Then the second guy comes back with 10 berries.
Then the cannibals say, "Now the second thing you have to do is shove them up your a$$ without changing the expression on your face."
So the guy shoves 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8... then starts to laugh. So the cannibals eat him.
Then in heaven, the first guy says to the second guy, "Why did you laugh?! You almost had it!" Then the second guy says, "I saw the other guy coming with pineapples!"

and your good old anti joke

A Horse walks into a bar.

Bartender:why the long face?

Horse:I have terminal cancer.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
I have a gun.
Get in the van.

http://anti-joke.com/

and a meta joke

A seal walks into a club

A rather long one:

A man lived next door to a monk. He constantly heard a strange noise coming from the house. Well, at first he tried to just ignore it. But after a little while he just couldn't take it so he went and knocked on the monk's door. The monk opened the door and said, "Yes, can I help you?" The man asked, "I'd like to know what that noise coming from your house is." The monk replied, "I'm sorry, I can't tell you, you're not a monk." So the man asked, "How do I become a monk then?" The monk said, "Well, to start, you must go the next 5 years eating only potato chips." So the man, determined to find out what that noise was, went home and spent the next 5 years eating only potato chips. Finally, he returned to the monk and said, "OK, it's been 5 years and I've only eaten potato chips. Now can I know what that noise is?" The monk replied, "No, you're still not a monk. Now you must go 7 years and drink nothing but water." Well, the man wasn't looking forward to waiting 7 more years. But as he had already come 5 years, and he was determined to find the source of that noise, he went home and drank nothing but water for 7 years. When finally he reached the end of those 7 long years, he once again returned to the monk and said, "It's been 7 years and I've drank nothing but water, now can I find out what that noise is?" The monk said, "No, you're still not a monk. Now we must test your faith. Go to the highest cliff in the area and jump off." Well, the man had come this far and he wasn't going to back down, so he went to the highest cliff and jumped. Luckily, there was a safety net at the bottom of the cliff, and when he climbed out the monk was waiting for him. The monk led him back to his house and said, "You have passed the tests, you are now a monk. I assume you now wish to know what causes the noise you have been hearing?" The man replied, "Oh God yes, I've waited over 12 years to find out." So the monk gestured for him to follow and led him down the stairs into the basement. Once in the basement, the monk opened a door which led into a tunnel. The monk told the man to go to the end of the tunnel. So the man started walking, it went on for ages, but finally he reached the end. There was only one more door between him and the source of the noise, he could tell. Slowly he grabbed the doorknob, turned it, and opened the door. In the room he saw...I'm sorry I can't tell you what he saw. You're not a monk.

Rai^3:
Scientology!

Daikatana!

Congratulations! The first post in this thread that made me laugh.

Rai^3:
Scientology!

Daikatana!

what?

no love for Kony 2012?

A man walked into a bar.

Ouch!

I was going to make a joke about Haggis, but it was really offal.

Then, I was going to make a joke about beds, but I've not made it yet.

Then, I was going to make a joke about a broken pencil, but it wasn't funny.

Puns welcome too? If so, a true story.
Well, not too long ago I was playing Fallout: New Vegas and playing one particular character who hoarded chems, don't know why, but after some time in the divide I discovered that I really, really, really wanted to shut that obnoxiously irritatingly verbose Ulysses up. So right before the final confrontation I discover something interesting about drugs: Drugs of similar design can work together i.e. I could use Jet, Rocket, and Ultra-Jet for a greater cumulative AP gain.
So I took one of every single drug in my pockets: Jet, Rocket, Ultra-Jet, Steady, Turbo, Fixer by accident, Mentats and Party-time Mentats because why not, Psycho, Slasher, Med-X, Buffout, Nuka Cola Quartz, Nuka Cola Victory, and Rushing water.
Contemplating to myself I wondered aloud if Rushing Water qualified as a Drug Or Not, only to realise that I had indeed become a Druggernaut.

An oldie but goodie:

A man walks into a talent agent's office and says "I've got the act for you!"

The agent responds, "Well, let me hear it."

The man starts "So I go on and stage and start CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED between an audience member's CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED while my wife CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED like a giant football CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED pulled apart his CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED in a putrid puddle of CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED while my son chews on CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED from inside his sister's CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED swimming in CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED squirting out in tiny drips into CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED doing a piledriver into CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED lying twitching and writhing when CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED bursting toward the audience yelling CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED eating the monkey's CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED sticking it's fingers where CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED while the mongoose watches and CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED between my son and daughter doing CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED going in and out of CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED representing the decline of economic prosperity in the late 2000's. While that's a first draft, I can elaborate."

"I am intrigued and slightly CENSORED," replied the agent, "what to you call your show?"

The man replied, "I call it, CENSORED!!!!"

Supposedly, this one is very common, but I love it.
What's the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant girl?
You can unscrew a light bulb.

The Night Angel:
Corny jokes??? I got one for you:

I walked into the room, the curtains were drawn... the rest of the furniture was real.

I laughed.

OT: Oh, uh... I'm terrible at telling jokes. Wait, I have one. Siri. Hahahaha, oh boy, I do know how to... oh, that wasn't funny? I'm sorry.

RJ 17:

Hazy992:

RJ 17:
What's worse than 10 dead babies nailed to a tree?

Oh god, we're terrible people!

What's the difference between a Ferrari and a pile of dead babies?

Now you're just admitting to being a murderer! :P

What's the different between a truck full of empty beer bottles and a truck full of dead babies?

Two more:

How many dead babies does it take to paint a wall?

Depends on how thin you slice them.

How many dead babies does it take to tile a roof?

Depends on how thin you slice them.

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