I urgently need some advice about cops women and divorce.

Right, I think I have a bit of a problem. I will keep this brief.
Last night I ended up with a beautiful nice and intelligent girl from work. Now I found out she is in the middle of a separation from her husband who is a police officer who is known to not be a nice guy and who has his own addictions. (Its not my place to say what I was told they are)

The lady in question has 3 children with him and still currently lives with him (sleeping in different rooms). She is not in a good place at the minute.
So I ended up with her and that was mighty. She got a lift home from another one of her friends and the cop was there waiting at the door in full uniform for her. Thankfully her friend was not brethalised.

I will be meeting this lady in work on Monday and while I am not worried about meeting her (I am not shy in general) I am very afraid that if her husband finds out I will be in a lot of trouble. I have had my troubles with the law before when I was younger (nothing two bad I never robbed and any fights I was in were fair - no five on ones or anything like that)

What should I do. I do not want to just stop meeting this girl and if I did stop I think that she would take it badly and she has more than enough to deal with without that as well, however I am honestly afraid of this cop and what he could do to me if he ever found out.

Any and all advice welcome but please don't start saying I should have done this or that. I am more concerned in what I am going to do not what I have done.

Thanks in advance fello escapists.

Hmm, assuming the Cop has the least bit of integrity he won't bother you legally for shacking up with his ex-wife. However seeing as he apparently has his issues this may not be the case. I would recommend just not trying to piss him off or anything. Still see the woman if you like her. If he tries some shit file a report on him with his Sergeant or Lieutenant or whoever is above him.

I will preface this with this: I have never ever been in any situation similar to this so take any advice that I have with a grain of salt as an outsider looking in...

I personally would explain to her your worries and it might be worth breaking off for the time being. This does NOT mean that you never talk to her and stop supporting her in her time of need but I would back away from a physical relationship until the mess with her husband gets cleared.

I am under the assumption that they are divorcing since you stated "middle of separation". Although if that's the case, why is she still living there?. This is jumping to conclusions on my part but it sounds like she is trying to force your hand and make you her white knight, which is completely unfair to you. If she truly is miserable and wants out, she needs to take the steps to have that happen and until it is done, you are only asking for her troubles to drag you down.

Also: this may be better suited in the Advice Forum but I'll let you decide that (hell, you have less than a dozen responses and this thread has already had a mini-derailment).

Where do you live? Police are not the same the world over.

You shouldn't be messing with another family. Christ, are they even divorced?

Helmholtz Watson:
You shouldn't be messing with another family. Christ, are they even divorced?

Totally depends on the situation. If the cop is mean spirited and can't keep her happy he does not deserve her. Not everyone shares your standards on relationships. Relationships are never set in stone, and who would want to be with a mean spirited cop with a serious addiction problem? probably one of those power trippers who has to be in total control of the relationship because he's a "bad ass cop."

I'm not trashing cops here, I've known some very good ones that let me go without a ticket. But there are those scary as hell ones with that arrogant vibe.

Zeckt:

Helmholtz Watson:
You shouldn't be messing with another family. Christ, are they even divorced?

Totally depends on the situation. If the cop is mean spirited and can't keep her happy he does not deserve her.

The cop also doesn't deserve to be stabbed in the back by a woman he is still married too.

I'm getting a really bad vibe from your post, one I don't like at all.

OT: Keep seeing her, play it careful. Help her get away from him, as in, help her move out (if she wants/needs to) and stuff.

Zeckt:

Helmholtz Watson:
You shouldn't be messing with another family. Christ, are they even divorced?

Totally depends on the situation. If the cop is mean spirited and can't keep her happy he does not deserve her. Not everyone shares your standards on relationships. Relationships are never set in stone, and who would want to be with a mean spirited cop with a serious addiction problem? probably one of those power trippers who has to be in total control of the relationship because he's a "bad ass cop."

I'm not trashing cops here, I've known some very good ones that let me go without a ticket. But there are those scary as hell ones with that arrogant vibe.

Look at what smash had to say. Also the kids don't deserve to get fucked over because their parents are "unhappy".

SmashLovesTitanQuest:

Zeckt:

Helmholtz Watson:
You shouldn't be messing with another family. Christ, are they even divorced?

Totally depends on the situation. If the cop is mean spirited and can't keep her happy he does not deserve her.

The cop also doesn't deserve to be stabbed in the back by a woman he is still married too.

I'm getting a really bad vibe from your post, one I don't like at all.

OT: Keep seeing her, play it careful. Help her get away from him, as in, help her move out (if she wants/needs to) and stuff.

From my point of view I also get a bad feeling about yours, in my opinion no one should have to be in a controlling relationship. It was said he is a mean spirited person and even worse is a cop who more then likely has a superiority complex who forgets he needs to treat his significant other with as much respect as she shows him. Relationships are supposed to work 2 ways, not one.

Zeckt:

SmashLovesTitanQuest:

Zeckt:

Totally depends on the situation. If the cop is mean spirited and can't keep her happy he does not deserve her.

The cop also doesn't deserve to be stabbed in the back by a woman he is still married too.

I'm getting a really bad vibe from your post, one I don't like at all.

OT: Keep seeing her, play it careful. Help her get away from him, as in, help her move out (if she wants/needs to) and stuff.

From my point of view I also get a bad feeling about yours, in my opinion no one should have to be in a controlling relationship. It was said he is a mean spirited person and even worse is a cop who more then likely has a superiority complex who forgets he needs to treat his significant other with as much respect as she shows him. Relationships are supposed to work 2 ways, not one.

Which is fine and all however it usually considered a dick move to go for someone who is in a committed relationship. Look if she divorced him and was single, I don't think anyone here would have a problem. But while she is still married and sleeping in the same house? I think the OP needs to tread real carefully.

Helmholtz Watson:

Zeckt:

Helmholtz Watson:
You shouldn't be messing with another family. Christ, are they even divorced?

Totally depends on the situation. If the cop is mean spirited and can't keep her happy he does not deserve her. Not everyone shares your standards on relationships. Relationships are never set in stone, and who would want to be with a mean spirited cop with a serious addiction problem? probably one of those power trippers who has to be in total control of the relationship because he's a "bad ass cop."

I'm not trashing cops here, I've known some very good ones that let me go without a ticket. But there are those scary as hell ones with that arrogant vibe.

Look at what smash had to say. Also the kids don't deserve to get fucked over because their parents are "unhappy".

You two have your opinions on the situation and I have mine, obviously were on the opposite ends of the fence. No one should have to suffer a bad relationship merely because they have been in it a long time. I highly agree though, it does need to be done carefully but it NEEDS TO BE DONE.

Zeckt:

Helmholtz Watson:

Zeckt:

Totally depends on the situation. If the cop is mean spirited and can't keep her happy he does not deserve her. Not everyone shares your standards on relationships. Relationships are never set in stone, and who would want to be with a mean spirited cop with a serious addiction problem? probably one of those power trippers who has to be in total control of the relationship because he's a "bad ass cop."

I'm not trashing cops here, I've known some very good ones that let me go without a ticket. But there are those scary as hell ones with that arrogant vibe.

Look at what smash had to say. Also the kids don't deserve to get fucked over because their parents are "unhappy".

You two have your opinions on the situation and I have mine, obviously were on the opposite ends of the fence. No one should have to suffer a bad relationship merely because they have been in it a long time. I highly agree though, it does need to be done carefully but it NEEDS TO BE DONE.

Kids don't deserve to get fucked over because "the spark" is gone. If he is abusing her, that's a different story.

Zeckt:
From my point of view I also get a bad feeling about yours, in my opinion no one should have to be in a controlling relationship. It was said he is a mean spirited person and even worse is a cop who more then likely has a superiority complex who forgets he needs to treat his significant other with as much respect as she shows him. Relationships are supposed to work 2 ways, not one.

Let's just not discuss the inner workings of a relationship we two know nothing about, apart from the very few things the OP mentioned. (And even he's only heard one side of the story.) I can see where this is going and I don't think either of us want to go there.

Helmholtz Watson:
Kids don't deserve to get fucked over because "the spark" is gone. If he is abusing her, that's a different story.

Couldn't it be argued that if the relationship is dead in the water that "staying together for the kids" isn't the best course of action?

My parents separated when I was young after a long unhappy period which was so much worse than the actual break up. Everything's amicable now but I really don't feel that staying in a relationship because of a child can go well, kids from divorcee parents grow up fine, but kids with parents in a toxic relationship..

Saying that if the relationship is failed she should formally break up with the guy and get divorce proceedings on the go.

Suave Charlie:

Helmholtz Watson:
Kids don't deserve to get fucked over because "the spark" is gone. If he is abusing her, that's a different story.

Couldn't it be argued that if the relationship is dead in the water that "staying together for the kids" isn't the best course of action?

My parents separated when I was young after a long unhappy period which was so much worse than the actual break up. Everything's amicable now but I really don't feel that staying in a relationship because of a child can go well, kids from divorcee parents grow up fine, but kids with parents in a toxic relationship..

Saying that if the relationship is failed she should formally break up with the guy and get divorce proceedings on the go.

It depends on the couple I guess, but it seems like people quit very easily now a days and don't put in much effort into making marriages last.

Helmholtz Watson:
You shouldn't be messing with another family. Christ, are they even divorced?

They're in the middle of a separation. I would take that to mean the relationship is dead for all intents and purposes except for details they need to work out like legal proceedings, finding a new place to live, etc. If they're in the middle of a separation they're not much of a family.

SmashLovesTitanQuest:

Zeckt:
From my point of view I also get a bad feeling about yours, in my opinion no one should have to be in a controlling relationship. It was said he is a mean spirited person and even worse is a cop who more then likely has a superiority complex who forgets he needs to treat his significant other with as much respect as she shows him. Relationships are supposed to work 2 ways, not one.

Let's just not discuss the inner workings of a relationship we two know nothing about, apart from the very few things the OP mentioned. (And even he's only heard one side of the story.) I can see where this is going and I don't think either of us want to go there.

Fair enough, and I admit I make my posts under the assumption that the cop is indeed selfish in the relationship which is just that an assumption. For all I know the woman could be the cause of the cop behaving mean in public simply because he's frustrated his wife is not communicating with him properly. None of us actually know.

Thanks lads, I think I just have to have a chat with her and explain that while I do like her (which I do) I cant be with her until she is in a better place for her and me. (Does that sound good)

The cops here can be bad bastards and a rule on to themselves.

So in the long and the short of it is that I don't think I am able for this. (Most of this decision is from your advice so cheers again)

I just hope what I have done wont come back and haunt me. Any other advice is welcome. Thank you all. I will post on Monday evening and let ye know how it went.

Again thanks.

If shes seperated youre doing nothing wrong.... i dont see what the big problem is in general.. if he gets all annoying about it... you have nothing to worry about.

Also the cop is a control freak and his addictions have ruined his family and exposed his children to things they should never have been exposed to. I have only heard one side of the story however even if I take that as being extremely biased it is still horrible if a tenth is true and I unfortunately think a lot more than ten percent that was true.
She has only stayed because of the children and now thinks of herself as broken and ugly (she is beautiful and intelligent)
I only added this in because it was being discussed earlier in the thread.

I agree with the sentiment that you should keep your distance until the seperation is sorted out and she is no longer tied to her husband (although that may never reach an ideal conclusion due to children being involved)

By the sounds of it you don't want to annoy him, so staying out of the way until they are properly seperated is the best way to do that. You don't need to break all contact with her, just cool it down for a while while she is still legally married and under the same roof as him.

And remember, it's alright to break a relationship up because of outside factors, and sometimes it's necessary to avoid a lot of trouble and problems that would ruin you both if you stayed together:

Mortai Gravesend:

Helmholtz Watson:
You shouldn't be messing with another family. Christ, are they even divorced?

They're in the middle of a separation. I would take that to mean the relationship is dead for all intents and purposes except for details they need to work out like legal proceedings, finding a new place to live, etc. If they're in the middle of a separation they're not much of a family.

I wouldn't take it to mean anything without a lot more detail from the OP, which I don't he even has at the moment.

llafnwod:

Mortai Gravesend:

Helmholtz Watson:
You shouldn't be messing with another family. Christ, are they even divorced?

They're in the middle of a separation. I would take that to mean the relationship is dead for all intents and purposes except for details they need to work out like legal proceedings, finding a new place to live, etc. If they're in the middle of a separation they're not much of a family.

I wouldn't take it to mean anything without a lot more detail from the OP, which I don't he even has at the moment.

Well it clearly means *something*. A separation implies the relationship is ending.

Mortai Gravesend:
snip

A separation also implies that the two parties are separated. They're living in the same house. Again, the situation isn't really clear.

llafnwod:

Mortai Gravesend:
snip

A separation also implies that the two parties are separated. They're living in the same house. Again, the situation isn't really clear.

Some parts seem clear enough. They're no longer in a relationship so calling them a family is kind of off.

Helmholtz Watson:
Look at what smash had to say. Also the kids don't deserve to get fucked over because their parents are "unhappy".

Trust me, kids with parents who are unhappy don't tend to have it very nice just because their parents aren't divorced. Hell, I remember how relieved I was when my parents finally figured out they didn't really function together anymore, cut the crap and separated. It can be a real blessing, sometimes.

Eoghan Kelly:

What should I do. I do not want to just stop meeting this girl and if I did stop I think that she would take it badly and she has more than enough to deal with without that as well, however I am honestly afraid of this cop and what he could do to me if he ever found out.

Any and all advice welcome but please don't start saying I should have done this or that. I am more concerned in what I am going to do not what I have done.

Thanks in advance fello escapists.

If he doesn't know, he at least suspects she's up to something. Make that assumption.

She is in the middle of a separation, so what's the harm in waiting until it's over? If it's an abusive relationship (which it doesn't sound like) then you need to carefully plan how she gets out.

The thing is, you (and especially us) know jack about the intimacy of their relationship. You know it's ending, you know the cop has issues, and you know she has issues.

What you also know is that she spent a night with you when she is still living with him, and to me that's completely disrespectful on her part. Worse yet, there's absolutely nothing stopping her from doing the same thing to you - if that's your goal. The best predictor of a person's future actions are their past actions.

If the cop is unbalanced, then you should be prepared for it. I don't know the man, and it doesn't sound like you do - aside from hearsay.

So, yeah, I guess my advice is this: You can help her, but don't date her until she's out of the house. Unless the relationship is abusive, their home is not your place and if he's not straight you will only be taunting him (not good). Yes, that may mean you have to wait, but it's better in the end. Her kids will complicate things. Unless you have a close relationship with them already, just stay out of it. You are not their uncle/father/etc. You are a friend of their mother. Once she's out of the situation, then she can choose the right time to introduce you and start building a relationship (which probably means they're not going to like you). Most of all, though: Make sure BOTH of them are paid the respect they deserve. You may want to sympathize with her situation - you are clearly biased - but she chose him to get married to. She's 50% responsible for her situation. Don't hate the cop, respect him. Don't bend over backwards at her beck and call, respect her.

Sounds like a sticky situation, and not one I envy.

You sound young, getting involved with a divorced woman with kids is probably not the best move for you.

She isn't divorced, if she's leaving this guy that's fine but until she's actually left she shouldn't be dating anyone. Also, you don't want to be the rebound or the comfort she uses to give herself courage to leave, that will end very badly for you.

Her husband is the father of her children? If so he's always going to be in her life so you will need to accept that fact that if you stay with her you're going to need to interact with him on a regular basis.

Eoghan Kelly:
What should I do. I do not want to just stop meeting this girl and if I did stop I think that she would take it badly and she has more than enough to deal with without that as well, however I am honestly afraid of this cop and what he could do to me if he ever found out.

Well, generally you have rules regarding integrity. A police officer stands to lose a lot if they abuse their job to pursue private interests. However, if it comes to that, just avoid situations that are his word vs yours. Refuse emotional discussions without any witnesses present. Put any formal correspondance on paper. Just generally make sure you can't be accused of something you can't refute.

But nine times out of ten, this will not be necessary.

Mind you though, people whose relationship just broke tend to find a new partner as a comforter while they're not really suited to that person. Those generally don't hold for long and you run the risk of a painfull experience. Be sure to communicate everything you two feel, don't hold anything back and considering asking directly if she's sure you're not just the first person to extend a hand to her and the feelings stemming from that instead of love.

If that's the case, helping from slightly more distance would be an improvement.

Helmholtz Watson:
Look at what smash had to say. Also the kids don't deserve to get fucked over because their parents are "unhappy".

I wish I could agree with you, but when a parent's relationship breaks, it's in the best interest of the kids for it to break completely as quickly as possible, because the time just before that, when parents fight and argue and resent one another, is very damaging and unstable for children.

 

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