Redlin5's 40000 Special - The Escapist Roast of Marter

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For those of you wanting to start your own roasts, this is the official group.

Support the group and help the community break down some egos!

As this is a roast, feel free to post what you think about Marter! Remember though, this is all in good fun.

Now, without further ado...

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Gentleman and ladies... No wait, that's wrong. Posters of the Escapist!

...no

PEOPLE OF THE INTERNET

All Caps, bad... Hmmm...

You! Yes you! Welcome to the Roast of Marter! He's that moderating, movie reviewing, hotshot Calgarian who has been strutting his stuff around here for far too long! This intervention has been overdue like his DVD rentals! I'm going to be your host for the few minutes we have.

This Marter fellow has inspired some fear into his friends since he became moderator. Many of you refused to come out and speak against him. Fear not! For not only am I here to lead you through the dubious past of this prolific connoisseur of all things film but there are 5 others! Yes, moderators beware as even those among you have friends! Friends who remember things! Yes, be careful and take Marter as an example because friends might actually comment on your user reviews!

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They may even disagree with your choice in movies!

Now welcome the first brave soul to speak against this monstrosity of a poster, Julianking93!

Er, yes. He is Canadian. As am I. But let's get more specific about where he is a Canadian. He lives in Calgary.

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This is Calgary.

Who the hell wants to hug someone who lives in Calgary? Calgary is the city with the Calgary Flames, worst hockey team since the Toronto Leafs and who wants to go see a boring stampede anyway. Calgary is that one city in Alberta that doesn't have the awesome mall. Even the Arrogant Worms think Calgary sucks!

...

Who are the Arrogant Worms?

Well... They...

Hey, isn't it time for a musical interlude?


See, I knew they didn't like Calgary.

Lets get back to the topic on hand, that weird guy someone gave permission to watch over us. Trusting Marter with mod powers is like giving a hockey stick to a Calgarian...

*TWACK!*

Who threw a rotten tomato?

Alright, enough with Calgary. One thing about Marter you need to understand is that while he watches a lot of movies, he probably doesn't know how to watch them without talking! I mean look at his user reviews! Who watches movies to learn or care about the characters! It's all about explosions and breasts. Ask anyone but Marter. He'll spend 30 minutes talking about things like story or cinematography.

What's that? Another guest speaker? I found this guy lying in the ditch but hopefully he'll still be awake enough to tell you about Marter. Let's bring Sassafrass to the stand!

That's the sound of a broken man speaking if I ever heard one. Look out, you may have Marter trying to destroy your life with a movie!

You there, restrain Sassafrass. He's trying to get at Marter.

Marter may have plenty of words for movies, none of which anyone read but don't let that make you think he's insightful. See he has caught the twitter bug and now whenever someone tries to PM him they'll get 140 characters or less back. He's unclean, trying to get me to join twitter. What makes you think I want to talk to you on Twitter bub? Do you think I'm a friend or something?

Marter is all talk and no walk. He refuses to walk over to my place. It's only a measly 600 or so kilometers! He's just terrified that after all our conversations about playing video games that I'll whoop his ass at Super Smash Bros.

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Anytime mate. Anytime.

The only thing I have in common with Marter is a lack of money, something you should all be thankful for. Imagine if you will if he was allowed to come to Durham for the Escapist Expo!

*shudder*

Still, we have more souls to bring up to sacrificial table I mean podium. Don't be shy and welcome Owyn_Merrilin to the front.

So you see, another soul lost to The Scorpion King 3, a movie I've been avoiding expressly because Marter insists I see it. Who can trust the guy? He'd never help you out in a jam and he's suspended me from the Escapist numerous times. Being this guy's friend is a hazardous occupation but someone has to do it.

...I'm not but somebody should so we can keep him pacified and make him forget about that banhammer he has under his pillow.

Where'd Sassafrass go? Find him before something bad happens!

Marter has changed in the few years I've known him. Naturally he only got worse as time went on. I stopped seeing him in Off Topic when he ran to User Reviews and he no longer sports a Pokemon avatar! Where's the Pinsir we all used to know and hate? Now his avatars are constantly gifs. Everyone knows gif avatars belong to attention whores and people with too much time on their hands.

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I mean look at this, this is anno- That's my avatar isn't it...

Now for our next speaker, someone who has a long history with...

What do you mean he banned him? Well what about... Him too? But... But the crowd needs another speaker!

Hrrm, yup... well...

IN CONCLUSION

If you know Marter, make sure you're on his good side... the side that is a whole world away!

And if you don't know Marter... Just know he's from Calgary and Calgary sucks. I'm out!

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I'm not hosting another roast... x.x

Congrats on your absolutely-positively- 40k post!

Tony:
*cough* Do you mean Redlin's 40001 post special?

I have no idea what you're talking about.

TopazFusion:
I wonder how long it'll take me to get to 40k posts. Probably another two years at least (assuming I'll be here for that long).

Also, Redlin, you should totally make a =y post in this thread, for old time's sake.

We'll see. I might get some mod wrath over this. ;)

Redlin5:

Tony:
SNIP

*sighs*

Did you really need to do that?

Do what? What are you talking about?

Tony:
SNIP

*sighs*

Did you really need to do that?

*squints* This is a brilliantly disguised love letter! D:

Oh Redlin, you devious genius you.

Interesting read. >.> Now to make 30k posts of my own and give someone some internet love. <3

Marty scares me. He always glares daggers at me when I'm near, and I can't tell why. I always call him by his full username as a sign of respect, just with about everyone else, yet Marty always seems so scary...

Oh, and congratulations on your grimdark postcount, Redlin.

Redlin5:
Snip

Read all of it- and must say I had some laughs going. Glad Marter was willing to have this hosted for him, even if it meant taking some hits or blunts to the nuts Canadian nuts.... wait.

*Ahem* Anyhow, if I may say something about Marter. I don't even care if it's shown within the OP or not but.. here I go: Marter is the only movie reviewer I trust. Every other movie reviewer I watch (hardly ever but still) is ether for entertainment or because a friend bugs me to check out a movie review that Marter hasn't done yet (or ever will). But him, I trust because he doesn't pull our legs or gets bribed to make a good score. He's honest, thus gives so much insight and depth to the review it's hard to believe he'd lie otherwise.

I admit me and him didn't start out well. It wasn't that I disliked him, he just gave me a hard time because of my personality along with bad grammar (I think I still need work, plenty actually but.. I have improved overtime). See, we got on each other and at a time it seemed quite bad but after we're good now. Not sure how he feels, but the guy is friendly and doesn't hold back his thoughts which I respect him for doing so. Hoping Marter reads this, because I feel like I am kissing up to you. You hear me Marter?! You should be grateful!! lol.

Congrats Red on your 40k. You're kinda stealing the roast for yourself here, ya know?

Gotta say I skimmed some of that. You Canadians always write way too much. *coughMarter* *CoughLostInTheVoid*

Anywho! What do I know about Marter... not a whole lot, actually. I see him raving about movies on twitter quite a bit, and it's always fun to see his comments out of context. I've also talked to him as a Mod. (He's told me off a few times for stepping into his User Review territory. He's scary when he's mad, and holding a hockey stick...)

However, I think the thing that makes Marter, well, Marter is his avatar.

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Wait, he doesn't have the pokemon one anymore? ... Aww screw this.

*throws down the mic.*

DAMN YOU, MARTER.

sky14kemea:
Congrats Red on your 40k. You're kinda stealing the roast for yourself here, ya know?

But it tastes soooo good! :D

Bloody Marter, he likes Scorpion King 3, which has got to be the worst movie of all time.

I mean, have you seen it?

It's about some guy who thinks he's king of the scorp-

User was warned for this post.

Lovely little roast there. Gotta say I don't know Marter as much as I don't go into the User Reviews much, but he sounds scar...
User was suspended for this post.
In all seriousness that was very funny and congratulations on 40,0027 posts. :P
Now off to my kingdom to rule you all Forum Games. *blasts away in random rocket unicycle*

*polite clapping*
Good show, jolly good. Can't say I've talked to the chap much, but I assume he's a soulless review-writing machine, with the impressive rate he churns them out at. Compelling.

Now to get back under my rock.

Dear god... Marter is taking us out one by one. Am I the only survivor?... Wait, just ahead! A helicopter! Thank god I may make it out alive after a---

User was "removed" for this post.

Thanks for leaving the typo in, Redlin.
Now I feel stupid.

Anyway...er...yay for Marter for also ruining the User Review forever.

I like Marter. He's a good mod, and he wields the hammer well.

Also YOU'RE ALL BANNED FOR MOD SASS!! Just kidding... ^_^

Nasrin:
I like Marter. He's a good mod, and he wields the hammer well.

Also YOU'RE ALL BANNED FOR MOD SASS!! Just kidding... ^_^

NOT IF I BAN YOU FIRST HAHAHA

Daystar Clarion:
Bloody Marter, he likes Scorpion King 3, which has got to be the worst movie of all time.

I mean, have you seen it?

It's about some guy who thinks he's king of the scorp-

User was warned for this post.

D-daystar? Where did you go?

Anyway, as my illustrious rival was about to say. Scorpion King was a rather bad movie. I admit i havn't had TOO much contact with Marter over the course of my rather insane and chaos brewing career on the Escapist (Of which i doubt many have yet to escape unscathed).

But, miraculously, Marter is one of the few to have done so. So, cheers to you Marty!

Now, just remember posters, whatever you do. Don't-

User was FINALLY banned for this post.

Sassafrass:
Thanks for leaving the typo in, Redlin.
Now I feel stupid.

Anyway...er...yay for Marter for also ruining the User Review forever.

I actually forgot about that. Serves you right. :P

Nasrin:
Also YOU'RE ALL BANNED FOR MOD SASS!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Just kidding... ^_^

Oh, good. Just Nasrin being playful... this time...

o.o

Oh neat, congrats Red, now you've made me feel like I should have spoken to Marter more then twice ever. >.>

ThyNameIsMud:

Nasrin:
I like Marter. He's a good mod, and he wields the hammer well.

Also YOU'RE ALL BANNED FOR MOD SASS!! Just kidding... ^_^

NOT IF I BAN YOU FIRST HAHAHA

You wouldn't dare ban the owner of such a sweet hat.

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Not even Marter would dare!

xmbts:
Oh neat, congrats Red, now you've made me feel like I should have spoken to Marter more then twice ever. >.>

That's not my fault. :P

Though I can't recall really talking to you anywhere other than Forum Games...

Redlin5:

xmbts:
Oh neat, congrats Red, now you've made me feel like I should have spoken to Marter more then twice ever. >.>

That's not my fault. :P

Though I can't recall really talking to you anywhere other than Forum Games...

Because me leaving there is never a good idea of course. :D

It's about time Redlin.
*Claps*
Now let's see you hit 1,000,000.
*Hugs*

Another roast? Why was I not informed in advance so I can contribute?! Sure it's just for one of those silly forum gamers I don't know enough to properly roast, but my contribution would still be amazing.
I could at least make fun of his name.

Marter...

Isn't that the one guy who always has a cute girl as his avatar? And occasionally Pikachu?

MelasZepheos:
snip

It is indeed a sweet fucking hat.

Ammy doesn't have a hat.

But she does have some sunglasses for just such an occasion.

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Souplex:
Another roast? Why was I not informed in advance so I can contribute?! Sure it's just for one of those silly forum gamers I don't know enough to properly roast, but my contribution would still be amazing.
I could at least make fun of his name.

You can still make fun of him. That's what the comment section is for after all.

TopazFusion:
I wonder how long it'll take me to get to 40k posts. Probably another two years at least (assuming I'll be here for that long).

Also, Redlin, you should totally make a =y post in this thread, for old time's sake.

.

User was banned for this post (Permanent).

I feel very, very dumb for thinking that post had gotten you banned for about 10 seconds...

OT:
This should be interesting. Bring on the mods :D

All the Hate Love on Calgary. I live here. And I agree Calgary is a wonderful place. Thanks for all the nice things.

... I hope someone makes a love letter like that for me...

EDIT: WAIT!

We should TOTALLY roast Daystar!

xmbts:
Oh neat, congrats Red, now you've made me feel like I should have spoken to Marter more then twice ever. >.>

Hah, never spoken to him :P
Read some of his reviews though, quite good too.

Congrats on the posts Red, I'll catch up eventually.

Best of the 3:
Congrats on the posts Red, I'll catch up eventually.

Does that mean you're going to start posting again? :D :D

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