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As this is a roast, feel free to post what you think about Marter! Remember though, this is all in good fun.
Now, without further ado...
Gentleman and ladies... No wait, that's wrong. Posters of the Escapist!
PEOPLE OF THE INTERNET
All Caps, bad... Hmmm...
You! Yes you! Welcome to the Roast of Marter! He's that moderating, movie reviewing, hotshot Calgarian who has been strutting his stuff around here for far too long! This intervention has been overdue like his DVD rentals! I'm going to be your host for the few minutes we have.
This Marter fellow has inspired some fear into his friends since he became moderator. Many of you refused to come out and speak against him. Fear not! For not only am I here to lead you through the dubious past of this prolific connoisseur of all things film but there are 5 others! Yes, moderators beware as even those among you have friends! Friends who remember things! Yes, be careful and take Marter as an example because friends might actually comment on your user reviews!
They may even disagree with your choice in movies!
Now welcome the first brave soul to speak against this monstrosity of a poster, Julianking93!
Er, yes. He is Canadian. As am I. But let's get more specific about where he is a Canadian. He lives in Calgary.
This is Calgary.
Who the hell wants to hug someone who lives in Calgary? Calgary is the city with the Calgary Flames, worst hockey team since the Toronto Leafs and who wants to go see a boring stampede anyway. Calgary is that one city in Alberta that doesn't have the awesome mall. Even the Arrogant Worms think Calgary sucks!
Who are the Arrogant Worms?
Hey, isn't it time for a musical interlude?
See, I knew they didn't like Calgary.
Lets get back to the topic on hand, that weird guy someone gave permission to watch over us. Trusting Marter with mod powers is like giving a hockey stick to a Calgarian...
Who threw a rotten tomato?
Alright, enough with Calgary. One thing about Marter you need to understand is that while he watches a lot of movies, he probably doesn't know how to watch them without talking! I mean look at his user reviews! Who watches movies to learn or care about the characters! It's all about explosions and breasts. Ask anyone but Marter. He'll spend 30 minutes talking about things like story or cinematography.
What's that? Another guest speaker? I found this guy lying in the ditch but hopefully he'll still be awake enough to tell you about Marter. Let's bring Sassafrass to the stand!
That's the sound of a broken man speaking if I ever heard one. Look out, you may have Marter trying to destroy your life with a movie!
You there, restrain Sassafrass. He's trying to get at Marter.
Marter may have plenty of words for movies, none of which anyone read but don't let that make you think he's insightful. See he has caught the twitter bug and now whenever someone tries to PM him they'll get 140 characters or less back. He's unclean, trying to get me to join twitter. What makes you think I want to talk to you on Twitter bub? Do you think I'm a friend or something?
Marter is all talk and no walk. He refuses to walk over to my place. It's only a measly 600 or so kilometers! He's just terrified that after all our conversations about playing video games that I'll whoop his ass at Super Smash Bros.
Anytime mate. Anytime.
The only thing I have in common with Marter is a lack of money, something you should all be thankful for. Imagine if you will if he was allowed to come to Durham for the Escapist Expo!
Still, we have more souls to bring up to
sacrificial table I mean podium. Don't be shy and welcome Owyn_Merrilin to the front.
So you see, another soul lost to The Scorpion King 3, a movie I've been avoiding expressly because Marter insists I see it. Who can trust the guy? He'd never help you out in a jam and he's suspended me from the Escapist numerous times. Being this guy's friend is a hazardous occupation but someone has to do it.
...I'm not but somebody should so we can keep him pacified and make him forget about that banhammer he has under his pillow.
Where'd Sassafrass go? Find him before something bad happens!
Marter has changed in the few years I've known him. Naturally he only got worse as time went on. I stopped seeing him in Off Topic when he ran to User Reviews and he no longer sports a Pokemon avatar! Where's the Pinsir we all used to know and hate? Now his avatars are constantly gifs. Everyone knows gif avatars belong to attention whores and people with too much time on their hands.
I mean look at this, this is anno- That's my avatar isn't it...
Now for our next speaker, someone who has a long history with...
What do you mean he banned him? Well what about... Him too? But... But the crowd needs another speaker!
Hrrm, yup... well...
If you know Marter, make sure you're on his good side... the side that is a whole world away!
And if you don't know Marter... Just know he's from Calgary and Calgary sucks. I'm out!
I'm not hosting another roast... x.x