So I got friendzoned (not a bitching thread, don't worry!)

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Oh wow, a relationship/dating thread where the topic is actually interesting and not about people discussing redundant crap... Didn't see that coming.

Well, there was this relationship I was in. It was going surprisingly smoothly, then the shit hit the fan and there I learned from good old hard knocks about being a good boyfriend and that it is about being supportive and being there for your girlfriend when things are pretty bad. Unfortunately the lesson was that I was not in any shape way or form ready to be a good boyfriend so I jumped ship before I caused anymore emotional damage from neglect.

Seeing this side of me that I NEVER thought I had. (Once upon a time I was one of those, "When I get a girlfriend I'm going to treat her like the queen/princess/royalty that she deserves to be! Not like those jerks who get all the girls.) Turns out I wasn't any better than those "jerks with the girls" who I envied. So with this realization I decided not to pursue dating until I further understood myself. As a result, I 'found myself' and have more confidence plus I understand more what I'm looking for in a relationship as well as what I am willing to contribute to the relationship. So when I run into someone I am interested in having a relationship I will be a 'better me' so to speak. Not to mention the new laid back approach I have to dating takes away SOOO much pressure.

(Though people are asking whether I have a girlfriend and I think are starting to suspect I'm gay... well guess you cant win them all)

Abridged Version: Thought since I was a nice guy, thought I would be an awesome boyfriend. Turned out I was dead wrong and decided to find myself now I'm way cooler dude.

Mr. GameBrain:
Good for you dude.

Having a freind you can trust and get close too is probably one of the most valuable things ever.

(I wish I had more friends around me that were close to that level. Most people I am friendly with are more aquantances than anything really... :( )

MAKE THE AQUANTANCES THAT YOU LIKE THE MOST YOUR FRIENDS!!! I did that and it was AWESOME! Turns out (most) people like having friends and can be cool.

NinjaDeathSlap:
You mean to tell me... that somebody... on the internet... got turned down by a girl... and is acting like a mature human being about it?

What the fuck is this place and how did I get here?!

OK, on a more serious note. Well done. You had both the courage to open up about how you really felt, as well as the maturity to not act like a douche about her not feeling the same way. You are officially a grown-up, which is more than a lot of people can say.

I -fucking- know right?

MacLeRoy:

Mr. GameBrain:
Good for you dude.

Having a freind you can trust and get close too is probably one of the most valuable things ever.

(I wish I had more friends around me that were close to that level. Most people I am friendly with are more aquantances than anything really... :( )

MAKE THE AQUANTANCES THAT YOU LIKE THE MOST YOUR FRIENDS!!! I did that and it was AWESOME! Turns out (most) people like having friends and can be cool.

_

You can't just force friendship you know.

Well, anyway the people I was friendly with at Uni for instance, were going their seperate ways, so to speak, so one just couldn't casually meet up and bond properly.
(I commuted and wasn't local, so I couldn't really get around and do the stuff they could, so you know, just kind of stayed friends in that sort of "arms length" kinda way, and I didn't want to spoil that with being too forward and being a hindrance to people)

So sometimes you just have to let it go.

I always make time for my close friends though. I may not have many, but the ones I do I always talk to in some capacity. (I mean my best friend is about an hour away on bus, so its not like either of us can just pop over, but on days off, we go to each other's house and hang out, talk, and play a lot of games, watch vids ect. Just fun you know. And while I would like more friends like that, I haven't really met anyone of any gender where that sort of friendship has developed (but with me going out a little more, to stuff like Magic meetups. Who knows, I might find someone cool there, maybe even meet up with some old friends! XD))

EDIT: (Though nobody is ever going to be as close as my best friend. We've been friends since the secondary school induction, and nothing is ever going to stop us being best buds. Not Uni, not work, not even family. Heh. If we weren't both cursed with being pretty darn straight, we'd totally be gay for each other! XD)

zelda2fanboy:

BeeGeenie:

zelda2fanboy:

I'm just speaking from the perspective from someone who actually has had a friend girl, in addition to (fingers crossed) a girlfriend. She once told me she wanted someone she could call at all hours of the night when she had insomnia and I straight up told her "I'm not making myself that available to someone who I'm never going to have sex with."

Dang, Bro. That's cold. So what are you going to do when your girlfriend finds out you're only using her for sex?

While I'm the first to admit they are few and far between, there are some girls that are worth having around even without the potential for sexy times.

What? I don't even. No. I'm not "only using her for sex" (and she's not my girlfriend yet). But say for example, my friend girl asks me to help her move, and on the same day, my girlfriend asks me to drive her to the airport. I literally can't do both. Guess who's going to win that contest.

Emphasis on "that" available. I'm available through good times and bad, but I'm not there to be used as a time killer while she's waiting for her boyfriend to call her. It ain't gonna happen. And no, I'm not going to continue to be her constant companion under the notion that eventually maybe she breaks up with her current bf and suddenly finds me attractive for no reason. That's the type of shit "nice guys" hope for and life is too short to be waiting on one's delusions about other people.

Don't get me wrong. I respond to every e-mail and I'd pick up the phone and talk if she called. I'm just not counting on it, nor am I sending e-mails and phone calls her way during every spare moment. That would be creepy and stalker-y coming from a dude to a girl with a boyfriend. It just would be.

Ok, I can see where you're coming from. One must have one's priorities... and to be fair, if some girl wants to call or text me at 3 in the morning, she'd better have a really good reason.

I've had an an annoying tendency to end up being friendzoned even when i intentionally tried to avoid it. More recently though i've decided to focus less on the girl of interest and focus more on influencing the wider social group in the hope that it gets me the right sort of attention. Can't say if it works or not because i'm bloody indecisive when it comes to girls and for that reason i tend not to ask them out.

But yeah, my advise to anyone who finds they often get friendzoned would be to focus more on standing out in the crowd of your friends. See if that works.

Well... ignoring the whole "friend zone doesn't exist" view, if someone rejects you and you are okay with it, you weren't "friendzoned" in the first place.

zelda2fanboy:

MisterGobbles:

If you think that friendship is always superficial fun, or that talking to your friends about their problems should be considered a chore, then perhaps you need some better friends. Granted, you can't really be expected to forfeit your sleep schedule for someone, but you should at least be understanding of the request.

Maybe. I'd listen to other people's problems and "be there" for them whatever that entails. In my limited experience with it, I tend to make people feel worse in those situations, so it's possible I'm just not that type of guy. I don't see that as a chore. Doing random ass favors all the time (as friendzone whiners have mentioned in the past) is a chore.

Well yeah, just because you're their friend doesn't mean you're their bitch. I've had friends (mostly male) who've simply asked me to do too much shit for them, and it does start getting annoying, especially when you feel that it's all they see you for. Being there for friends is important, but you can't simply do everything they ask. Being there for people when they need emotional support is the most important; even if you can't make them really feel better by what you say, just the fact that they have someone to talk to will help immensely.

rosac:

And I found myself really falling for her, but kept delaying asking her a simple question: "Can we be more than friends?"

999% of all friendzone stories contain this line :P You took rejection maturely and well like an adult and not like an angered child. This is good. This is how to establish healthy relationships.

Id say with this new knowlegde you can handle rejection you should be more assertive and tell people how you feel. Talking to a girl you like for a LONG time without telling her when you feel it "could" happen is like living an incredibly awkward charade. Why bother? Be straight with people and things often go your way. People like to know where you stand.

Despite having had two girlfriends i was utterly rejected by both. I told them how i felt and they said they didnt feel the same way. I was fine with that and acted like a normal friend. When they started returning my feelings in the future they knew where i stood and everything was easier. Its a nicer way to live your life. Much simpler. Everyone knowing where you stand is a good thing. The exceptions are when they are in a relationship of course.

I really dislike the term "friendzone". You didn't get friendzoned. You just got rejected.

Good for you I guess, but I've never really liked the idea of "Friendzoning."

image

Good for you! I think the girl would be happy as well. That she didn't lose a friend.

Also, I don't truly understand this whole friend-zoned thing. If the girl doesn't like you she doesn't like you? And why dose it seem "friend-zoning" only applies to males?

Friend zoning can apply to females too, I think they're just less vocal about it.

NinjaDeathSlap:
You mean to tell me... that somebody... on the internet... got turned down by a girl... and is acting like a mature human being about it?

You just made me laugh mate!

On Topic:
Not sure if I've actually been friendzoned ever...
Most girls I am friends with are somewhat attracting but I never asked them out and just enjoy their company a lot.

AwesomeWunderbar:
Good for you! I think the girl would be happy as well. That she didn't lose a friend.

Also, I don't truly understand this whole friend-zoned thing. If the girl doesn't like you she doesn't like you? And why dose it seem "friend-zoning" only applies to males?

Friendzoning is just a neat word for being turned down for a romantic relationship without losing the friendship. You don't hear a lot of women whine about it on the internet because it's not something you should whine about. Better then outright rejection, right? At least you keep your friend.

I'm in a similar situation right now. Me and this nice girl just talked about it over a beer and then joked about it when waitress assumed I would cover the whole bill (not that I would mind, luckily most of my female friends don't support using male friend as a walking wallet). Now we are good friend with stuff to talk about and I don't run the risk of her crying on my shoulder 'cause of "abusive douche boyfriend"! :P That's because she decided dating is not for her (I assume that will change in time, even tough she thinks it's a permanent state of mind for her, but whatever).

So there you go! All the good and none of the bad of this so-called "friendzone" :)

Maybe i am too proud, but if i get friend zoned I move on.
I hate to think that they will think and/ or tell other people that I wanted to date but they turned me down and now we are just friends.

One of my exes was my best friend for a time, and a girl I was friendzoned by was my best friend for about 3 years, so friendzoning isn't always something that ends a friendship with someone.

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