I'm a horrible person

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Okay, so perhaps the title is a bit melodramatic, but I've truly done something disgusting in my own eyes. I'm sure many of you will come to consider me a terrible person after reading this (if you don't already).

Anyway, there's a girl I've been dating for a little while now. Without mincing words, I think she's physically unattractive. However, despite this fact, I went into the relationship with full knowledge that I wasn't sexually attracted to this girl. Initially I tried to deceive myself into believing that looks didn't matter to me, and that as long as the relationship was solid I could be happy with anyone. I went so far as to tout the value of this perspective to others (I think maybe even on this site). That self-deceit wore off pretty quickly. I tried to keep it to being "friends" for as long as I could, but eventually we started cuddling and she felt we were something more. I couldn't disagree with her. We were basically dating. She'd never had a boyfriend or been in love before. I knew she fell hard for me, and I also knew that I wasn't going to be interested in furthering the relationship past where it was. So, instead of ending it there, I agreed that we were "in an exclusive relationship" (I'd avoided the word "dating" to no doubt just retain some lack of relational commitment) and I told her that I wanted to see where it went (even though I knew exactly where it would end up, and I was just postponing the inevitable as she fell more in love with me).

My motivations were completely selfish, I wanted a simple, easy relationship with an inexperienced girl. The benefits of having a girlfriend without all the nasty baggage of "dating". At the same time, I didn't want to get wrapped up dating an "unattractive" girl, so I intentionally kept her at arms length, yet strung her along enough to keep the self-serving relationship going. I hadn't really consciously acknowledged that until a little bit ago, but I know I was unconsciously aware of it the entire time.

So, tonight, I've broken it off. After we exchanged secrets about ourselves (many of which I now realize I'd unconsciously crafted in a desperate attempt to scare her off), and I suddenly felt disgusted with how far I'd let things go. I told her that I was a terrible, selfish person, and I knew my behavior would deteriorate as the relationship went on. I then said that I wasn't interested in letting things go further than they had now because I wanted something simple. I eventually coaxed her as gently as possible into agreeing that it was best to end it, telling her that I wanted to end it before I turned into a dick and she got even more hurt. I undoubtedly took this approach in part because I wanted to avoid being honest and telling her that she was ugly and I'm flat out breaking up with her. Instead I opted to say my outward behavior would inevitably get worse in the future to feign a sense of preemptive protection, even though that's total bullshit. She's a smart girl, I don't doubt she pieced together my true motivations. The subtle desperation in her words though. Her implied willingness to put up with any amount of hypothetical physical or emotional abuse just to stay with me. I've broken up with a lot of girls (and had a fair few break up with me). The breaks-ups I've gone through were mostly on far more even terms, but this time I knew I'd done something truly despicable in stringing this girl along.

The cherry on top is that, as I wallow in guilt, I felt so overwhelmed with the selfish need to confess what I've done, and to express the situation in words to get a better handle on it, that I've gone on to an internet forum just so I could vent my feelings. To be fair, I'd tell a friend, but it's 3:18 and everyone is asleep ATM. Oh yeah, and the whip cream is that I did it over skype. Not even video chat. We were fucking IMing. Oh yeah, and I almost created a second account as to avoid sullying the likely non-existent impression most of you have of the persona attached to this one. However, being a lazy fuck, I decided it wasn't worth the effort. Oh, and the last bit of horribleness is that I can't help but think what good writing fodder this whole situation is, and will no doubt utilize eventually. I think the worst thing is that I genuinely do have feelings for this girl on some level, but I consider my own superficiality too large a barrier to overcome in the relationship.

Anyway, there you go. I'm scum. I'm not trying to drum up pity or confirmations of my awfulness (though there will no doubt be plenty of the latter).

tl;dr: I strung along a nice girl I found unattractive so I could be in a casual, non-sexual relationship with her for selfish reasons, despite unconsciously knowing from the get go that she loved me and I didn't want it to go further primarily because I found her unattractive. I then broke up with her over IM like an asshole after the relationship escalated way past the point I should have even let it get to in the first place.

Anyway, to try and maintain the illusion that this is an actual thread, and not just me blubbering about what a piece of shit I am for several paragraphs, what terrible, yet legal, things have you guys done to your significant others?

Was she in love with you or infatuated? I'm thinking the latter.

You're not horrible, just pretty inconsiderate.

Colour-Scientist:
Was she in love with you or infatuated? I'm thinking the latter.

You're not horrible, just pretty inconsiderate.

We were friends for quite a long time before we "dated" for a few months, and even before "dating" we acted like a couple and her feelings were obvious. Then again, long term infatuation isn't a rare thing, from what I've seen, so that is a possibility that I'd considered. I'm about certain that she would have continued to fall for me if the relationship continued as it did though (of course that's one of the reasons I ended it now).

Well at least you did the right thing in the end...
It could have gone worse, way worse, considering the situation you put yourself in you did a relatively good job getting out of it, with minimal hear break and stuff. Just be careful not to get yourself roped into those kind of situations again.

You're not scum, believe me there are far worse individuals in this world, you'd still be considered one of the nice chaps.

We all make mistakes, man. Don't beat yourself up too bad.

Well that wasn't so bad. You could have handled it much worse than you did.

Not quite sure what you were getting out of the relationship. You didn't have feelings for her, you weren't sleeping with her and you didn't want to. So... what?

Doing it over IM though. Yeech. That's pretty gutless.

You fucked up. Doesn't make you a horrible person.
Just try to remember this nice, yet unattractive girl if you're ever in an unhappy relationship situation with someone you hate and vice-versa.

lol she might flower into a gorgeous girl later on, so keep her for that. But then she might not forgive you and will then say no to you lol

That is pretty shitty, but at least you stopped it. You can learn from it and so on.
Breaking up over IM isn't great but sometimes stuff just has to happen right then.

I had to break up with my ex over the phone for that reason (plus he lived 40 miles away and I wasn't going that far just to tell him we were over), so yeah I felt bad about that for a bit but it needed to happen.
Sometimes you have to be the bad guy, but it's a learning experience.

That doesn't make you a terrible person . You confessed in the end , which took courage . Plus you didn't cheat on her . So it could have gone much worst . Plus face to face break ups are overrated . You gave it a shot and it didn't work out . Seems pretty normal to me . Most people would 't have even considering dating a smart ugly girl . So you fare way beter than most people .

This thread makes me feel bad, because I can see the parallels in my own life.

There are two girls "in my life" at the moment.

The first is a girl who randomly met me online, she's good fun to talk to, I'm pretty sure she's fallen for me, and I like her but only as a friend. She's physically unattractive, mostly because she's too fat. We met up once in real life to see a movie and it was one of the most awkward experiences of my life.

The second has a long distance boyfriend, hasn't really shown any signs of being romantically interested in me, but we're pretty good friends. I absolutely adore her, but wouldn't dare make a move because I know I wouldn't be able to live with the guilt of breaking up her current relationship. Plus her current boyfriend seems like a decent bloke from what I know of him, so I can't even justify it by saying it's for her own benefit.

So basically I'm stringing the first girl along, knowing that nothing serious will ever come of it, while secretly hoping the second girl will end her current relationship to be with me. I feel horrible for doing each of these things, and yet I continue to do it because it's easier than being honest in the case of the first girl or moving on in the case of the second.

OhJohnNo:
We all make mistakes, man. Don't beat yourself up too bad.

This. What you didn't wasn't nice, but it doesn't make you a dreadful person. You've told her what was really going on. The bright side of this that now you've experienced this you won't ever do it again. Don't worry about it too much. You're only human

I'm fairly sure the MODs will stop me from saying what I think of you.

All I'm allowed to say at this point would be, as Someone who doesn't get much attention from people of the opposite gender or indeed the same, When you do, You need to appreciate what you have instead of trivialising it and fucking someone over in the way that you did.

Don't feel too bad, you've realised you were wrong and done something about it, you didn't intend to cause any harm. At least you've learnt something. I once did something similar, except it wasn't so much that the girl was unattractive, it was that I didn't like her that much in a romantic way and I didn't have the balls to turn her down, I ended up hurting her much more further down the line.

SpectacularWebHead:
I'm fairly sure the MODs will stop me from saying what I think of you.

All I'm allowed to say at this point would be, as Someone who doesn't get much attention from people of the opposite gender or indeed the same, When you do, You need to appreciate what you have instead of trivialising it and fucking someone over in the way that you did.

I'm not sure you're being entirely fair here. Just because a relationship may be hard to come by doesn't mean that someone should stay in a relationship they're not happy in. That's preposterous.

Your not a terrible person though i may have a somewhat biased opinion as I myself have done something of a similar nature. It's easy to let things progress rather than end it at the start before people get hurt. At the end of the day, though it may have taken some time you admitted hwo you felt and stopped it from going any further. Plus as someone else has already said, it sounds more like she was infatuated with you rather than love but who knows.
There is no point beating yourself up about it. Yes you screwed up, but you eventually ended it and told the girl where she stands.

If i go by your standards, then I should be regarded as an evil selfish whore (to quote my ex). I got into a relationship with a decent guy. Long story short, I dated this guy for 8 months my feelings changed and i only felt as much for him as any other friend. I realised I still had feelings for my ex whom I hadnt been with since in 6 years but had remained close friends with. I ended things with the guy I was dating and about 2 months later got back with my first ex whom I had the feelings for ads we both dmitted to not actually getting over eachother.
Though all this happened the guy i ended it with is now in a relationship with a pretty close friend of mine, but im still known as the Bitch.

What I'm saying is, you can't stay with someone because it makes them happy. You have to be selfish from time to time otherwise, (yes you'll make other people happy) but you will be unhappy and miserable and no relationship will work that way. Both parties ave to be happy in the relationship. Simole as that.

axlryder:
Okay, so perhaps the title is a bit melodramatic, but I've truly done something disgusting in my own eyes. I'm sure many of you will come to consider me a terrible person after reading this (if you don't already).

Anyway, there's a girl I've been dating for a little while now. Without mincing words, I think she's physically unattractive. However, despite this fact, I went into the relationship with full knowledge that I wasn't sexually attracted to this girl. Initially I tried to deceive myself into believing that looks didn't matter to me, and that as long as the relationship was solid I could be happy with anyone. I went so far as to tout the value of this perspective to others (I think maybe even on this site). That self-deceit wore off pretty quickly. I tried to keep it to being "friends" for as long as I could, but eventually we started cuddling and she felt we were something more. I couldn't disagree with her. We were basically dating. She'd never had a boyfriend or been in love before. I knew she fell hard for me, and I also knew that I wasn't going to be interested in furthering the relationship past where it was. So, instead of ending it there, I agreed that we were "in an exclusive relationship" (I'd avoided the word "dating" to no doubt just retain some lack of relational commitment) and I told her that I wanted to see where it went (even though I knew exactly where it would end up, and I was just postponing the inevitable as she fell more in love with me).

My motivations were completely selfish, I wanted a simple, easy relationship with an inexperienced girl. The benefits of having a girlfriend without all the nasty baggage of "dating". At the same time, I didn't want to get wrapped up dating an "unattractive" girl, so I intentionally kept her at arms length, yet strung her along enough to keep the self-serving relationship going. I hadn't really consciously acknowledged that until a little bit ago, but I know I was unconsciously aware of it the entire time.

So, tonight, I've broken it off. After we exchanged secrets about ourselves (many of which I now realize I'd unconsciously crafted in a desperate attempt to scare her off), and I suddenly felt disgusted with how far I'd let things go. I told her that I was a terrible, selfish person, and I knew my behavior would deteriorate as the relationship went on. I then said that I wasn't interested in letting things go further than they had now because I wanted something simple. I eventually coaxed her as gently as possible into agreeing that it was best to end it, telling her that I wanted to end it before I turned into a dick and she got even more hurt. I undoubtedly took this approach in part because I wanted to avoid being honest and telling her that she was ugly and I'm flat out breaking up with her. Instead I opted to say my outward behavior would inevitably get worse in the future to feign a sense of preemptive protection, even though that's total bullshit. She's a smart girl, I don't doubt she pieced together my true motivations. The subtle desperation in her words though. Her implied willingness to put up with any amount of hypothetical physical or emotional abuse just to stay with me. I've broken up with a lot of girls (and had a fair few break up with me). The breaks-ups I've gone through were mostly on far more even terms, but this time I knew I'd done something truly despicable in stringing this girl along.

The cherry on top is that, as I wallow in guilt, I felt so overwhelmed with the selfish need to confess what I've done, and to express the situation in words to get a better handle on it, that I've gone on to an internet forum just so I could vent my feelings. To be fair, I'd tell a friend, but it's 3:18 and everyone is asleep ATM. Oh yeah, and the whip cream is that I did it over skype. Not even video chat. We were fucking IMing. Oh yeah, and I almost created a second account as to avoid sullying the likely non-existent impression most of you have of the persona attached to this one. However, being a lazy fuck, I decided it wasn't worth the effort. Oh, and the last bit of horribleness is that I can't help but think what good writing fodder this whole situation is, and will no doubt utilize eventually. I think the worst thing is that I genuinely do have feelings for this girl on some level, but I consider my own superficiality too large a barrier to overcome in the relationship.

Anyway, there you go. I'm scum. I'm not trying to drum up pity or confirmations of my awfulness (though there will no doubt be plenty of the latter).

tl;dr: I strung along a nice girl I found unattractive so I could be in a casual, non-sexual relationship with her for selfish reasons, despite unconsciously knowing from the get go that she loved me and I didn't want it to go further primarily because I found her unattractive. I then broke up with her over IM like an asshole after the relationship escalated way past the point I should have even let it get to in the first place.

Anyway, to try and maintain the illusion that this is an actual thread, and not just me blubbering about what a piece of shit I am for several paragraphs, what terrible, yet legal, things have you guys done to your significant others?

I won't go into details, as I know some of you might tear me a new one, I've been a selfish insensitive bag of testosterone in the past...

Lemme just say bro, if this makes you feel terrible, be glad, because compared to me, you look like a fucking saint.

No, I am not expressing any form of pride in being a "Bad Boy" or any such shit, hell I'll be paying for my sins 'til I die, and it isn't fun in any way.
I'm just trying to tell you, to just try not to get any worse, be honest with yourself, and with others, and you'll hopefully avoid the road of self indulgant, insecurity driven, completely selfish to the point of intolerant, relational insensitivity.

Well yes, what you did was bad but that doesn't make you a horrible person. who haven't f***ed this up once or twice. sure you could have been more discreet and possibly stopped talking before you quote un quote "became a dick". You should not have called her ugly, and you should at least have done it in person. You're not a bad guy. You're just bit dumb. ;)
And the reason I don't think you're an asshole is because you regret what you have done and is admitting to your mistakes.
To use a good old cliché: i am not angry, just disappointed.

what you did was bad, but mistakes are easy to make

The way I see it, you've finally stopped doing something "disgusting" and despicable.
You'll feel like shit for a little while, but the fact that you were finally honest with her about it proves you do care about her.
If anything you just became a better person.

you're not horrible, just stupid inconsiderate, also you should probably tell her all this.
and: of course I can come over and help you by kicking you while you're down, if that makes you feel better.
I mean, I'm all for helping people.
otherwise: Have fun with your guilttrip. (and I don't even mean that offensive)
If you think you've done something terrible then feel free to feel bad about it as much as you like,
because it means you're trying to correct the situation somehow, which is what you should want.

If this makes you feel terrible, us it for your mental 'what not to do' list. personally, i don't think it's as terrible as you make it seem. yeah, it was inconsiderate and you could've handled the situation better, but other than that it's really not all that bad.

You ended a relationship you didn't feel good in? Well that's just despicable. Utterly despicable. I mean, despicable.

Okay, actually no, I'm just foolin'. I think the only thing you really handled badly in the entire thing is the IM break up. It's a tad too impersonal, but that's it. Could have gone way worse. So, like the others said, don't beat yourself up over this, we're only human.

If it doesn't work, it doesn't work. Just try to find a less dicey way to break up should something like this happen again.

Vegosiux:
Okay, actually no, I'm just foolin'. I think the only thing you really handled badly in the entire thing is the IM break up. It's a tad too impersonal, but that's it. Could have gone way worse. So, like the others said, don't beat yourself up over this, we're only human.

I agree with this. You can beat yourself up over this, thinking you're a horrible person, but in my eyes, you're not. You didn't string this girl along for sex, or financial gain, or anything absolutely heinous. My take on the whole relationship thing is that you basically have to keep an open mind. You might not like the person, but you persevere, and sometimes you end up realizing they're the person for you. In other cases, you realize you don't like them, and you move on.

You took a chance and it didn't work out. That's how most relationships go. Yes, she's hurt, but she'll get over it. Same with you. This experience will make the two of you stronger.

I see no issue here. You had a relationship with someone, you knew you weren't happy in it and chose to end it before things got bad.
I say you did well. Most relationships I've had to break up all end with a meat cleaver, a bonfire and a barbecue

Yeah as has already been said it sucks about what you did but we all make mistakes. The fact that you feel bad and recognize what you've done is wrong will only make you a better person in the future however. Obviously breaking it off via IM is pretty shitty but you have to do what you have to do and know you know better. Don't beat yourself up over it too much.

What you did wasn't nice, I'm sure everyone will agree with me there, but I'm no saint either. A girl had a crush on me some years ago and I didn't really like her. You strung her along trying to make it work for a while so you actually thought it could work and gave it a shot before you ended it. I ignored her completely. I managed to effectively avoid her for 4 years and counting. I haven't said as much as a single word to her in that time.

Not sure which is worse. Let's let the community take a vote.

Well, you did the right thing in the end, even if it was in the wrong way (should've shown her some respect and done it in person). Can't really beat yourself too much over that, you've corrected your mistake, it's time to move on.

Can imagine it'll be awkward when you next see her though.

Don't feel so bad, you didn't do what you did maliciously, you just dealt with the situation badly. You're not a horrible person if you actually came out and did something about it in the end.

I was in a relationship with someone who I'm pretty sure didn't find me attractive and only said yes out of pity or some such reason, and they didn't even have the balls to admit it - just started ignoring me halfway through the relationship, didn't even respond to the messages I sent saying I wanted to end it. I would have been happy had they just acknowledged the mistake they made, but nope, just ignored the issue.

So TRUST ME, you could have done worse.

as for your situation; meh. like everyone else said, everyone makes mistakes. you'll both get over it. at least you were smart enough to drop it before any permanent damage was inflicted.

i've done something quite similar, but i didn't get out in time. i really messed up. i wasn't interested in her at all. it was just pressure from her friends at first, eventually i caved in for my own selfish reasons. after that, we got pressure from her family to speed things up, so i caved in there too and married her. things were pretty rough from there on out, even though we slowly became more tolerant of each other over time, it just wasn't making either of us happy. through even more selfish reasons, we decided to and subsequently had a kid. however, this was my breaking point. at the moment of that fateful ultrasound, i stopped caring about the kid, and stopping making any effort to care about the mother. i just straight up died emotionally. something like 6 months later i ended it. i was dead, and they weren't getting the love they deserved.
i ended it in hopes that she would find someone who could give them that kind of emotional support, and also so the kid could grow up in a functional home. i didn't want any visitation. i want that kid to develop a paternal bond with the one who actually supports him, not me.

i gave up my family and gave all my possessions[1] and money to my ex-wife, became vilified by both her and my bloodlines, quit my job, lost my house and became a homeless bum, hated by everyone, with nothing but the clothes on my back and a notebook. but that's a story for another time. >.>

tl;dr: yes, i've hurt someone before. my bad.

[1] except my notebook.

Well, live and learn. That was really bad, and you feel really bad about it (which is a sign of not being a horrible person). Next time, man up and tell her right away. Hell, this time man up and tell her the truth (including the part about this forum post) next time you see her.

What would make you a horrible person would be repeating this with someone else, if you grow from the experience and take that lesson to heart then you're fine.

If you keep doing it to other people, that would turn you into a horrible person.

I've done the exact same thing, except I went one step lower: instead of Skype, I used text messages. In my defense I'll say that I'm not exactly Prince Charming, so when she made her affections known, I had a hard time turning her down. Even when I felt absolutely nothing for her. Also, I'm a big fat manchild.

Anyhow! I may be a little biased here, but aside from the method of breakup, I don't think you did anything wrong.

I was expecting that to end with you pumping someone you though prettier behind her back because you wanted someone else but didn't have the balls to break up with her first. That would be horrible.

This is just a little dickish. Ok, pretty dickish, but at the end of the day you did what you needed to before anyone got hurt. Just have a close friend on hand to threaten to break your fingers if you break up with someone in the future with anything less than a phone call.

Seriously, I've had horrible things done to me, and I've dished out a few, this isn't horrible. Just don't do it again.

I don't think you did anything all that bad really. You were a little cowardly in the beginning but that was a failing, not an overt, malicious act. We have all failed at various points in our lives when dealing with people. I think you just feel bad because you know the girl feels bad and that implies empathy, something I think we all could do with a little more of.

axlryder:

Anyway, there's a girl I've been dating for a little while now. Without mincing words, I think she's physically unattractive. However, despite this fact, I went into the relationship with full knowledge that I wasn't sexually attracted to this girl. Initially I tried to deceive myself into believing that looks didn't matter to me, and that as long as the relationship was solid I could be happy with anyone.

Big mistake, they matter no matter what anyone says. If you're not sexually attracted to someone it's not going to work period.

I had done something similar 3 years ago, except that I told her in personal why it would not work, after (maybe a bit harsh sayd) giving it a try. Haven't really heard from her since.

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