Rip Apart A Movie, ANY MOVIE

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Just do what the thread title says. I had done mine on The Giant Behemoth but Internet Explorer crapped out and I lost my work so I will sum up the movie's quality in one scene. At one point the behemoth flips over a car ferry cool, great, a must have scene. Unfortunately, it falls apart in the effects, namely it looks like how someone would hoax a Loch Ness Monster attack. Throughout the scene you keep seeing the fucking platform that is holding the monster's head and neck up.

P.S. Marter you are exempt by doing this on a daily basis.

The Last Airbender

*Why are the characters' names pronounced differently?
*Why do most of the cast members have the opposite complexion of their character from the show?
*Why doesn't Zhao have awesome sideburns?
*Why are the characters' names pronounced differently?
*Why can't all firebenders produce fire by themselves?
*Why are the earthbenders dancing?
*Why isn't Iroh fat?
*Why are the characters' names pronounced differently?
*Why does Princess Yue's hair look like a penis?
*Why is Ozai in this film?
*Why does this exist?
*Why does this film exist?

Happy Feet<- an example of "preachy"

first off the penguins are done realisticly, the bad thing about realistic animals is we have trouble telling them apart, so the film makers sis certain things to make then more recognizable...which brings us to the horror that is our main protagonist


because thats seriously what it looks like to me...

that and the plot is too ill fitting halfs, I mean the "enviroment" half is just so...stupid

ChupathingyX:
snip?

more to the point why the hell did shamalamanananalananana-whatever his name is get to direct it?

ChupathingyX:
The Last Airbender

*Why are the characters' names pronounced differently?
*Why do most of the cast members have the opposite complexion of their character from the show?
*Why doesn't Zhao have awesome sideburns?
*Why are the characters' names pronounced differently?
*Why can't all firebenders produce fire by themselves?
*Why are the earthbenders dancing?
*Why isn't Iroh fat?
*Why are the characters' names pronounced differently?
*Why does Princess Yue's hair look like a penis?
*Why is Ozai in this film?
*Why does this exist?
*Why does this film exist?

Yeah, Shamallamamama shouldn't have been let near that. Also you stole my choice.

Vault101:

ChupathingyX:
snip?

more to the point why the hell did shamalamanananalananana-whatever his name is get to direct it?

I believe it is pronounced Shame-llama.
On an unrelated note, I have just now spotted an animation error in your avatar with the cloud continuity and now I can't unsee it. The horror!

OT: So... about Scorpion King 3...
I kid of course, this forum is a dictatorship when it comes to contrary opinions to this particular film. But I feel like giving Marter that second of shock was worth it if he should ever stumble into here.

Quaxar:

Vault101:

ChupathingyX:
snip?

more to the point why the hell did shamalamanananalananana-whatever his name is get to direct it?

I believe it is pronounced Shame-llama.
On an unrelated note, I have just now spotted an animation error in your avatar with the cloud continuity and now I can't unsee it. The horror!
.

*sigh* I know but the whole process was so long I was like "fuck it"

Vault101:

Quaxar:

Vault101:

more to the point why the hell did shamalamanananalananana-whatever his name is get to direct it?

I believe it is pronounced Shame-llama.
On an unrelated note, I have just now spotted an animation error in your avatar with the cloud continuity and now I can't unsee it. The horror!
.

*sigh* I know but the whole process was so long I was like "fuck it"

I'm not complaining, I just... noticed.
Plus I too much enjoy the Daystar camouflage every time I see it to protest.

inception
the movie revolves around dreams but the most interesting concept they could come up with is "it's like real life but with more explosions and ppl shooting at you.... also sometimes we can like bend streets and shit"

seriously when was the last time someone described a dream to you and it didn't sound like this
man i had a weird dream last night. i was on a rollar coaster but it was made out gummie bears. at first i thought it was disney land but then i realized i was it was actually my old high school. then i looked down and found my feet were being eaten by tiny pink glitter dragons but they told me they were helping me discover the entrance to a secret passage so i patted them and started flying

way to fail inception

Is it time for me to Rip on "40 Days and 40 Nights" again? I do believe it is! Now in nice list format like ChupathingX!

*Insults men and women alike.
*Insults people who sleep around and celibate/chaste people alike
*The Girlfriend has sex with the Male Protagonist without his consent (in his sleep) to win a bet
*Male Protagonist has to APOLOGIZE for being raped.
*Has the stupid ass fucking thing in Romantic Comedies where the guy "messes up" and has to win back the girl.
*The bitch girlfriend gets away with raping her boyfriend. No really. She fucking saunters off into the Sunset with the money she got from the bet.

Captcha: "pleased as punch"

Captcha why do you mock me so?

Hmm. Okay.

Scott Pilgrim sucked. I'm a big fan of the graphic novels, and absolutely none of their spirit, wit or charm comes across in the plonker of a film. Many major themes...arguably even primary themes...are completely abandoned, so the film can focus on the colorful video game and geek culture allusions. Significant characters have their roles vastly reduced, and others have their roles inexplicably expanded (Knives, most particularly). Cera is dreadful as Scott, playing him as a cringing, socially awkward dork (shocking, I know) instead of the charming, affable slacker he was in the books. The pacing is atrocious, as could be expected given how much material is being crammed into the short running time, resulting in long story lines being cut into a few tiny scenes, losing much if not all of their depth and resonance. Most criminally, the film often fails at comedic timing...some scenes and lines are lifted directly from the book but come across extremely flat on screen.

Seriously, I could go on and on. I generally enjoy Edgar Wright, but this is not a good outing for him, and it's not a good movie, period. I see people list it as one of their favorite films from time to time, and I'm honestly left wondering what the fuck those people are thinking. I do understand that everyone has their own favorite things for their own personal reasons, but I don't expect to see "Dude, Where's My Car" in a lot of top ten lists, and I'm just as shocked when I see Scott Pilgrim in there.

It stinks.

Seriously, it's really, really bad.

BloatedGuppy:
Hmm. Okay.

Scott Pilgrim sucked. I'm a big fan of the graphic novels, and absolutely none of their spirit, wit or charm comes across in the plonker of a film. Many major themes...arguably even primary themes...are completely abandoned, so the film can focus on the colorful video game and geek culture allusions. Significant characters have their roles vastly reduced, and others have their roles inexplicably expanded (Knives, most particularly). Cera is dreadful as Scott, playing him as a cringing, socially awkward dork (shocking, I know) instead of the charming, affable slacker he was in the books. The pacing is atrocious, as could be expected given how much material is being crammed into the short running time, resulting in long story lines being cut into a few tiny scenes, losing much if not all of their depth and resonance. Most criminally, the film often fails at comedic timing...some scenes and lines are lifted directly from the book but come across extremely flat on screen.

Seriously, I could go on and on. I generally enjoy Edgar Wright, but this is not a good outing for him, and it's not a good movie, period. I see people list it as one of their favorite films from time to time, and I'm honestly left wondering what the fuck those people are thinking. I do understand that everyone has their own favorite things for their own personal reasons, but I don't expect to see "Dude, Where's My Car" in a lot of top ten lists, and I'm just as shocked when I see Scott Pilgrim in there.

It stinks.

Seriously, it's really, really bad.

On the contrary, I really enjoyed both the film and the graphic novels. Different strokes for different folks I guess.

Brave. I went into that movie expecting it would be a good version of the story for Shrek 4 forever after. I was disappointed, but I that was an unrealistic expectation.

-Merida has the strength to prove her point, the competence and even the confidence to support her views, yet she always decides to storm off at important moments. This is proven when she stands out in the archery competition as well as whenever she is arguing with her mother. Other than when she is acting as a distraction for her transformed mother, she always just storms off rather than explain her point. She has no...followup. She is willing to push that poor witch to get what she wants, yet that is only so she can actively void her mother as a factor.

-The Queen is a stubborn hypocrite; she wants the best for her daughter, however she is letting other lords control her daughter's life and she attempted to destroy a beloved gift from her husband to her daughter.

-The King is a weak man. He hides it with war stories and a happy attitude, but he refuses to stand up to his wife nor will he stand up for his daughter. The king, the man with the BIGGEST control over his daughter's fate, is just pitiful. He flat out ignores his daughter's cries and attempts to kill a bear rather than search for his ill wife.

-Don't even get me started on the three princes that everyone ignores.

ChupathingyX:
The Last Airbender

*Why are the characters' names pronounced differently?
*Why do most of the cast members have the opposite complexion of their character from the show?
*Why doesn't Zhao have awesome sideburns?
*Why are the characters' names pronounced differently?
*Why can't all firebenders produce fire by themselves? Because harnessing the heat from within your body is hard work, and within the movie, is a master skill.
*Why are the earthbenders dancing?
*Why isn't Iroh fat?
*Why are the characters' names pronounced differently?
*Why does Princess Yue's hair look like a penis?
*Why is Ozai in this film? The very last episode of the book of water does have Ozai at the end doing the exact same thing, setting up the book of earth.
*Why does this exist?
*Why does this film exist? Because it would be a good movie if someone else was at the helm, and they gave it two movies per book.

Don't get me wrong, I hate this movie, but a couple of the questions you ask are answered within the movie.

Quaxar:
OT: So... about Scorpion King 3...
I kid of course, this forum is a dictatorship when it comes to contrary opinions to this particular film. But I feel like giving Marter that second of shock was worth it if he should ever stumble into here.

I did have a mini heart attack when I was reading through the thread and totally not participating because apparently I've been barred from doing so.

I love how "stumble" was the word you used. Very fitting. :)

Three horror films

Saw-It has been awhile since I watched it. This is from what I can remember about it. It would have been a fine one act play with two actors and a third person to get up at the end. Fine, thought provoking. As a movie, however, it was padded for time. By Padded I mean everything that took place outside of that room. By time I mean any excuse to make sequels. Fine, thought provoking story in the room, inane sequel bait outside of it. You know what this fine set of tits need...cheeseburgers! Inane

Nightmare on Elm Street (not that one, the remake)-What is scariest name in horror...Fred Kruger...Wes craven...no silly, it's Michael Bay. This should have been a no brainer, Freddy kills teens gets sequels. The movie threw in a twist. Freddy may have been wrongly accused and murdered. Oh, you mean Fred was innocent, well no wonder he has reserected in the dreams of his tormentor's children. Who would not, honestly. Maybe I can root for this Freddy after all. Nope, he was a pedophile. Goodbye sequels, I can root for a mass murdering dream invader, but pedophile. Maybe I ought to thank Micheal Bay for this film, with it's clear point of existence being to provoke a global discussion as to the discrepancies in thought within ones own perception towards one horrific act on another person versus another horrific act. Wait no that was saw. Now I am just putting tits on cheeseburgers.

Halloween II (again the remake)-...What?

ChupathingyX:
The Last Airbender

*Why are the characters' names pronounced differently?
*Why do most of the cast members have the opposite complexion of their character from the show?
*Why doesn't Zhao have awesome sideburns?
*Why are the characters' names pronounced differently?
*Why can't all firebenders produce fire by themselves?
*Why are the earthbenders dancing?
*Why isn't Iroh fat?
*Why are the characters' names pronounced differently?
*Why does Princess Yue's hair look like a penis?
*Why is Ozai in this film?
*Why does this exist?
*Why does this film exist?

* WHY DID THE FIRE NATION HAVE THE EARTH BENDER PRISONER IN A PRISON MADE OF EARTH AND WHY DIDNT THE EARTH BENDER"S ESCAPE
*why did mknight shamamamamlamdingong change the way bending work it was fine the way it is
*why is aang a moody teen and why is he called ung
*why is sokka so dull
*why is katara so horrible

1. Hostel - Why? Enough said...

2. All the Dr. Dolittle movies - Eddy Murphy is capable of making me so nervous that I could run out of the movie theater. Besides after the first movie (which was the least horrible one) the plot becomes even worse and cheesier. I simply don't like them. -.-

3. I have to go with that too:

Itdoesthatsometimes:

Saw-It has been awhile since I watched it. This is from what I can remember about it. It would have been a fine one act play with two actors and a third person to get up at the end. Fine, thought provoking. As a movie, however, it was padded for time. By Padded I mean everything that took place outside of that room. By time I mean any excuse to make sequels. Fine, thought provoking story in the room, inane sequel bait outside of it. You know what this fine set of tits need...cheeseburgers! Inane

But I think the other Saw movies were even worse...

4. Did you ever see a movie from the german director Uwe Boll? He wants to make movies out of games, but they are realllllly bad (I don't know all his movies, but those I have seen were totally crap).

For example he did:

- Far Cry
- Postal
- Alone in the Dark
- ...

300 THREE THOUSAND TIMES!!!!!!

I've been waiting so long for an excuse to display my loathing for this movie in full online, and now you've given me it. Thank you.

- Why are we supposed to care about the main character whose character arc goes: he's badass, he's badass, he's badass and then he dies? In fact, why are we supposed to care about any of the characters?
- Why do people praise its visuals when it looks like it was made by 10 people with a green screen in someone's living room? Seriously, it looks like shit!
- Why is it said to be super-violent and gory when all the blood spatter looks like someone edited it in with MS Paint's spray tool in post-production?
- Why is the movie almost 2 hours long? All that happens in it is this: the spartans get cross, and then they go fighting. They go fighting and then they die. That's it.
- Why are we supposed to think the persians are evil? The only direct evidence we have is that weird "tree of corpses" bit. Everything else we hear is spoken by the spartans, who throw weak babies down cliffs. Yeah, totally the good guys. And Xerxes actually treats the misformed guy decently, rather than dismissing him as some lower form of human being.
- The fight scenes are even less exciting than in Sucker Punch. At least in SP (a boring piece of shite also) you had some sense that the characters were in possible danger. In 300, all the spartans have basically god mode on. It's boring.
- I know it's based on a Frank Miller comic book, but its philosophy is still repulsive. The men who want to help them are viewed as second class citizens and the only role they serve is being a distraction to the Immortals. And all the spartans act like 13-year olds watching a super-violent movie "WHOOAAA ISN'T THAT COOL AREN'T WE BADASS PHWOAAAARRR??!?!?!!!"

For the record, I tried watching it again with a twist: every time I thought the movie wasn't any good, I took a shot of absinthe. It ended with me vomiting on my friend's floor without finishing the movie. 300 is probably the worst film I have ever seen, competing with Sex and the City 2.

I never have seen any of Uwe Boll's movies. The name sounds familiar. I am just assuming your question was directed towards me.

If I did see any of Saw's sequels I can not remember ever doing so. I have had the same opinion about Saw from the first and only time I have seen it. A fan made edit that takes place only in the room would be worth watching again though.

I do have to disagree with you about Hostel though. I liked that movie and to some extent it's sequel. I apparently was gullible and fell for the whole-the person you thought was the main character is not, it is really this guy. And Rick Hoffman's dialogue was so wonderfully unsettling, I would recommend the movie just based on that. The trick is, that scene would not have been so visceral out of context. Plus maybe I have an abnormally high tolerance for blown torched eyes. Do not get me wrong it is a disturbing violent movie. I would like to know why you dislike it. If you would indulge me.

Pulp Fiction:

"All these awesome lines and everyone keeps repeating SAY WHAT AGAIN. S'wrong with you!" -Samuel L Jackson

bartholen:
300 THREE THOUSAND TIMES!!!!!!

I've been waiting so long for an excuse to display my loathing for this movie in full online, and now you've given me it. Thank you.

- Why are we supposed to care about the main character whose character arc goes: he's badass, he's badass, he's badass and then he dies? In fact, why are we supposed to care about any of the characters?
- Why do people praise its visuals when it looks like it was made by 10 people with a green screen in someone's living room? Seriously, it looks like shit!
- Why is it said to be super-violent and gory when all the blood spatter looks like someone edited it in with MS Paint's spray tool in post-production?
- Why is the movie almost 2 hours long? All that happens in it is this: the spartans get cross, and then they go fighting. They go fighting and then they die. That's it.
- Why are we supposed to think the persians are evil? The only direct evidence we have is that weird "tree of corpses" bit. Everything else we hear is spoken by the spartans, who throw weak babies down cliffs. Yeah, totally the good guys. And Xerxes actually treats the misformed guy decently, rather than dismissing him as some lower form of human being.
- The fight scenes are even less exciting than in Sucker Punch. At least in SP (a boring piece of shite also) you had some sense that the characters were in possible danger. In 300, all the spartans have basically god mode on. It's boring.
- I know it's based on a Frank Miller comic book, but its philosophy is still repulsive. The men who want to help them are viewed as second class citizens and the only role they serve is being a distraction to the Immortals. And all the spartans act like 13-year olds watching a super-violent movie "WHOOAAA ISN'T THAT COOL AREN'T WE BADASS PHWOAAAARRR??!?!?!!!"

For the record, I tried watching it again with a twist: every time I thought the movie wasn't any good, I took a shot of absinthe. It ended with me vomiting on my friend's floor without finishing the movie. 300 is probably the worst film I have ever seen, competing with Sex and the City 2.

If 300 is the worst movie you've seen, then you my friend, are truly truly fortunate.

Now i'm debating whether to go after something more well known, or something obscure and supernaturally deplorable...

Battleship-

No idiots in real life would of sneak into the air vent of a closed petrol store (well get above the store) grab a food just to impress a girl. Even then aren't petrol store are 24 hours store?

There is no way a douche of the main character would of had become to be a navy officer in real life without having ALOT of discpline.

What the hell is wrong with those alien sense of passive aggressive logic? Three people in a van is a threat by a guy with a laptop or a amputee but muscular guy isn't?

After the aliens recuse one of their own inside that ship, why not keep attacking them seeing they did attack their ships earlier.

What happen to those wheels of doom that were attacking the cities?

Why the hell did those veterans were standing all over the place on that Battleship? I'm pretty sure some of them didn't want to stand on dangerous places.

Why did they had to have three destroyer inside the forcefield? If they wanted to be like the game, they should of added more like the battleship and the gunships.

ChupathingyX:

*Why does this exist?

That was pretty funny. I'm sorry I know you didn't like the movie, but that was so funny.

Expendables 2.

(Ohh, look at me, going for the hard targets.)

It was basically like Call of Duty with the controls taken away. And possibly with less brains. My uppermost thought during that first scene where they drive in guns blazing was, "This, this right here is exactly what your mother sees when she sees a video game."

The dialogue... dear gods please make it stop. No, I'm not asking for introspective explorations of the human condition (what is that anyway?). I'm not asking for wit. Hell, I'm not even asking for it to be below average. But could it at least not make me want to defy the limits of human physiology by biting my own ears off?

Every singe action scene was a one-sided massacre utterly devoid of tension or adversity. Every. Single. One. I'm pretty sure that's not how you do good action scenes.

Chuck Norris's appearances were hilarious. Best parts of the movie.

I feel like cheating and pasting a link, just because this is the funniest film critique I've ever heard:

"You're not going to get a rant about this...", ha!

Ummm, one of my own... has nobody said Prometheus yet?

Ok, here's my issue: it doesn't have a plot. What it is is a collection of side-plots. None of the characters have any kind of development. You've got all sorts of tiny little themes going on - Fassbender's status as a lifeform and the analogy of him being engineered by humans, Theron's relationship with her father, the general theme of motherhood particularly with respect Rapace's character - none of this developed or focused on. There is no conclusion. Nothing amounts to anything. The whole sequence of events feels utterly irrelevant, and that's exactly how you end up feeling about the film.

BloatedGuppy:
Hmm. Okay.

Scott Pilgrim sucked. I'm a big fan of the graphic novels, and absolutely none of their spirit, wit or charm comes across in the plonker of a film. Many major themes...arguably even primary themes...are completely abandoned, so the film can focus on the colorful video game and geek culture allusions. Significant characters have their roles vastly reduced, and others have their roles inexplicably expanded (Knives, most particularly). Cera is dreadful as Scott, playing him as a cringing, socially awkward dork (shocking, I know) instead of the charming, affable slacker he was in the books. The pacing is atrocious, as could be expected given how much material is being crammed into the short running time, resulting in long story lines being cut into a few tiny scenes, losing much if not all of their depth and resonance. Most criminally, the film often fails at comedic timing...some scenes and lines are lifted directly from the book but come across extremely flat on screen.

Seriously, I could go on and on. I generally enjoy Edgar Wright, but this is not a good outing for him, and it's not a good movie, period. I see people list it as one of their favorite films from time to time, and I'm honestly left wondering what the fuck those people are thinking. I do understand that everyone has their own favorite things for their own personal reasons, but I don't expect to see "Dude, Where's My Car" in a lot of top ten lists, and I'm just as shocked when I see Scott Pilgrim in there.

It stinks.

Seriously, it's really, really bad.

Honestly, I love everything about this movie, except for (most) the characters. The directing is actually really, really good. Edgar Wright already showed he had some chops for directing action with Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz, but with Scott Pilgrim he shows himself to be quite an amazing action director. There's great fuidity and heft to the action scenes, despite how over the top it is. And the editing is very snappy, too.

The colourful cartoony visuals mix incredibly well with the stark realism of the live-action setting, but I reckon that's all thanks to Bill Pope who was the director of photography.

The problem I have with the movie, which is ultimately a big one, is how the characters are all too cool for school and totally blasť about everything. I know this is to reinforce this kind of laid back attitude, but if the characters don't seem to really care about anything, why should I feel emotionally invested? The only character I genuinely liked was Knives. She was the only character who had any real passion and emotion. She was also the only one who had an arc; She goes from shy school girl, to manic groupie, to jilted lover/stalker. Everyone else just seemed to meander in their own hipsteriness.

Also, Scott and Ramona have zero onscreen chemistry. Micheal Cera has no range beyond awkward schlump and Mary Elizabeth Winstead has the personality of a paper cup. They should've got the guy who plays the lead singer of the band to play Scott. He had some great energy to him.

Any of the Iron Man films.

The plots are awful, Robert Downey Jr. is awful, the dialogue is awful, they're all just garbage.

The first film was undoubtedly made for ignorant Americans who will actually believe that a dying man living in a cave in captivity can single-highhandedly defeat the entire Afghani army.
The second film was so badly written, I wanted to shoot myself to entertain myself.
And I'm almost completely certain that the third film will be some hideously ridiculous addition to the first 2 rubbish excuses for a film.

Zhukov:
Expendables 2.

(Ohh, look at me, going for the hard targets.)

It was basically like Call of Duty with the controls taken away. And possibly with less brains. My uppermost thought during that first scene where they drive in guns blazing was, "This, this right here is exactly what your mother sees when she sees a video game."

The dialogue... dear gods please make it stop. No, I'm not asking for introspective explorations of the human condition (what is that anyway?). I'm not asking for wit. Hell, I'm not even asking for it to be below average. But could it at least not make me want to defy the limits of human physiology by biting my own ears off?

Every singe action scene was a one-sided massacre utterly devoid of tension or adversity. Every. Single. One. I'm pretty sure that's not how you do good action scenes.

Chuck Norris's appearances were hilarious. Best parts of the movie.

If you think Expendables 2 is bad, I just have to ask: Have you seen the first one? Because compared to it, the second is Citizen Kane. It's absolutely abysmal, one of the most boring films I've ever seen.

WoW Killer:
I feel like cheating and pasting a link, just because this is the funniest film critique I've ever heard:

"You're not going to get a rant about this...", ha!

And 7 minutes later he's singing the Internationale :D I love Dr Kermode, but I don't think SATC2 is his funniest review. It's probably "Last Days" or "Seven Pounds"

bartholen:

Zhukov:
Expendables 2. Grrr...

If you think Expendables 2 is bad, I just have to ask: Have you seen the first one? Because compared to it, the second is Citizen Kane. It's absolutely abysmal, one of the most boring films I've ever seen.

I have seen it and I remember hating it.

However, I can't remember enough about the first one do decide which movie is worse.

I adore Let The Right One In, but there's a scene where some cats attack someone, and it's the stupidest fucking scene. Like, in this dark horror story, suddenly you have the most ludicrously absurd scene which I couldn't stop laughing at, the cats look so fake and just... it's hilarious.

CommanderL:

ChupathingyX:
The Last Airbender

*Why are the characters' names pronounced differently?
*Why do most of the cast members have the opposite complexion of their character from the show?
*Why doesn't Zhao have awesome sideburns?
*Why are the characters' names pronounced differently?
*Why can't all firebenders produce fire by themselves?
*Why are the earthbenders dancing?
*Why isn't Iroh fat?
*Why are the characters' names pronounced differently?
*Why does Princess Yue's hair look like a penis?
*Why is Ozai in this film?
*Why does this exist?
*Why does this film exist?

* WHY DID THE FIRE NATION HAVE THE EARTH BENDER PRISONER IN A PRISON MADE OF EARTH AND WHY DIDNT THE EARTH BENDER"S ESCAPE
*why did mknight shamamamamlamdingong change the way bending work it was fine the way it is
*why is aang a moody teen and why is he called ung
*why is sokka so dull
*why is katara so horrible

*Why does Appa look so horrifying?
*Seriously, why don't the Earthbender's just escape? IT'S A FUCKING QUARRY FULL OF ROCKS!
*Why is the dialogue so horribly awkward?
*Why is the acting uniformly terrible on a level almost on par with "The Room"?
*Why did they put a drunk homeless man in charge of choreography?
*Why can't any of the benders bend for shit?
*Why is M. Night Shyamalan still getting money to make movies?

The film 1408 really pisses me off.

I think the biggest reason that I hate this film is that I really love the short story that it is adapted from. For anyone that doesn't know, it is a short story by Stephen King that you can find in his book 'Everything's Eventual'.

The reason why I love this story is because it was one of the few things that I read in my adult life that had a deep effect on me. I wouldn't go so far as to say that it scared me, but it did leave me deeply unnerved. It wasn't so much what happened in it, it's more how the protagonist starts off as a perfectly sane individual and then rather rapidly descends into madness. And it's written in such away that I almost felt myself going insane right along with him.
Or at the very least it felt like I was experiencing a bad drug trip.

I've never had a story that effected me like that before.

Anyway, none of that sensation is present in the film at all. Where I would describe the short story as neat little mind fuck, the film feels like a hackney z grade horror film that contained horror cliches that wouldn't scare small children.

Also, it needed to be shot and cut in an extremely abstract experimental kind of way and it was shot and cut in a typical hollywood style that was completely wrong for the material.

For example;

there's a part in the book where the character is fumbling around looking for the light switch and when his hand accidentally touches the wallpaper he suddenly has the thought "it feels like skin like old dead skin".

Now this little sequence isn't in the film at all but if I had of done it I probably would have tried something like having the shot of his hand touching the wall, then cut to a shot of a dead body or a piece of skin, and then cut to a close up of his face.

Basically I'd try to put in shots that would represent what he is thinking.

I'd also play around with the pacing of the edits, starting off with slower cuts then speeding up the cuts as he becomes more and more disorientated.

And I'd make use of jump cuts and several other techniques that break continuity as he goes more and more insane.

Dark Night Rises
-Bane's voice: ugh
-Selena keeps switching character
-Batwing looked like it had been lifted out of Michael Bay's Transformers.
-The first fight between Bane and Batman was poorly staged and boring
-Who the fuck is Miranda Tate supposed to be? Oh look a strange new woman, I trust you implicitly with my most dangerous technology.
-Leg brace allows Bruce to punch through concrete? So much for gritty realism ~_~
-"Let's send in ALL the cops" Not like that's ever backfired before.
-Joseph Gordon Levit's character critically under used just because Nolan decided to stick it to the fanboys and not have Robin in the movie. Not like there was ever ANOTHER batman sidekick that wasn't underaged and a decent costume.
-Burning the batsign into the Bridge: No way nobody saw him do that.
-You named him Robin: HOW LONG DID IT TAKE YOU TO THINK UP THAT FUCKING GEM!?!
-What was the deal with that rope?
-Bane turned out to be just the "savage" Raz knew he would be. So much for popping the collar and that 'accent'

GunsmithKitten:

If 300 is the worst movie you've seen, then you my friend, are truly truly fortunate.

Now i'm debating whether to go after something more well known, or something obscure and supernaturally deplorable...

Such a comment begs clarification. Bring on the supernaturally deplorable!

On topic, while I hated Batman Forever with a passion (oooo, neon melodrama and solid wood performing! What wonderful value for my money!) and still recall the horror that was The Telephone (any Whoopi Goldberg fans out there? Watch this one and know that she has plumbed the depths), I have to say that I cringe whenever I remember Spiderman 3.

1. Take humble Peter Parker, surround him by CGI effects that are quite tasty, and make him indestructible. No really, bounce him off of a few skyscrapers, let him kiss an I-beam or three, and have him stagger away as if he was just sucker punched. When last I checked that thing on his chest wasn't an "S", so why isn't this fine fellow expiring messily?

2. Comic-book movie makers, take note: One villain per movie! Not three one-dimensional cardboard cutouts that step on each others toes because you had a fever dream of monochrome Spiderman throwing bombs at you during a sandstorm. Pick a villain (there are lots to choose from and if you pick Batroc the Leaper, I will laaaaaaugh), develop the character and give us a good solid plot instead of several weak stories with no purpose.

3. 86 the melodrama. I know you're targeting a teenage audience, Mr. Raimi, but please leave the high school he-said/she-said/oh-this-will-make-her-SO-jealous for folks willing to endure daytime TV. I don't want to see it.

4. Comic-book movie makers, take another note: Make me care about the hero! Please! Give me a reason to want the hero to win instead of seeing how much you can make me desperately wish that the villain succeeds in giving this vapid person a dirt nap. I really wanted to see Spiderman buy it in this film and that is not something I should want.

5. Piano bars. Do not use them. Ever.

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