Am I just at fault?

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So, I'm currently seeing this girl quite often. Friends with benefits thing. Its amazing, dont get me wrong. The only problem though is that she has a boyfriend. To make it better, we are all coworkers. Luckily he doesnt know, but has suspicion. I know she is in the wrong for doing it, but whats bugging me is " how wrong am I in comparison"? At the moment all I can think of is I, m not the one cheating, she is, hes a real d-bag to her anyway, and me always coming to that conclusion is whats bothering me. Whos more wrong?

Not sure if this would be a good site to post, but it seemed to be likely to be more honost

Above all else, don't shit where you eat (or in this case work). This situation has the potential to make your work environment incredibly awkward/hostile.

I suppose it depends a lot on who initiated it - if it was mainly her, then she has most of the blame.

She may be more to blame, but if you knowingly help someone cheat, you're still a jerk. There just isn't any justifying knowingly sleeping with someone else's partner behind their back.

would you say the guy would be justified in punching you in the face?
then you are not without blame

As others have basically said, the best thing to do is to think about it from his perspective. Whether or not you think what you're doing is morally wrong, you'll still be a badguy in his eyes, so the repercussions from him finding out could be very serious.

Have you spoken to the girl about it?

Aris Khandr:
She may be more to blame, but if you knowingly help someone cheat, you're still a jerk. There just isn't any justifying knowingly sleeping with someone else's partner behind their back.

Yup yup, especially if it's a continuous thing.

Yoshi4507:
hes a real d-bag to her anyway

That's a pretty lame attempt at trying to make him seem like the bad guy.

Why doesn't she just tell him that she's fucking someone else and the two of you can continue along your merry way guilt free?

capper42:
As others have basically said, the best thing to do is to think about it from his perspective. Whether or not you think what you're doing is morally wrong, you'll still be a badguy in his eyes, so the repercussions from him finding out could be very serious.

Have you spoken to the girl about it?

Yes, and she said she isnt going to be with him for long. She hates how he treats her, but is afraid to say anything.

As Eso said, never do it with someone you work with. When things go tits up .. and they will .. it's going to make working very uncomfortable.

I've got an incredibly low moral standard so i'm not going to tell you that what you're doing is wrong, i've done it myself so it would be hypocritical.

Just giving a friendly warning, it will come out sooner or later and you've got to work with them both .... it isn't going to end well.

Always found it safer if I avoided sleeping with or dating anyone I worked with. Keep business and pleasure separate so to speak. That way, when things blow up, who cares?

lechat:
would you say the guy would be justified in punching you in the face?
then you are not without blame

Concise and to the point. I like this one.

Colour-Scientist:

Why doesn't she just tell him that she's fucking someone else and the two of you can continue along your merry way guilt free?

Well, you know what they say, if they cheat with you, don't be surprised when they cheat on you.

Yoshi4507:

capper42:
As others have basically said, the best thing to do is to think about it from his perspective. Whether or not you think what you're doing is morally wrong, you'll still be a badguy in his eyes, so the repercussions from him finding out could be very serious.

Have you spoken to the girl about it?

Yes, and she said she isnt going to be with him for long. She hates how he treats her, but is afraid to say anything.

Then tell her to pull her finger out and get on with it. She's the one really to blame here, and is putting everyone in an awkward situation. I know you said you're just a friends with benefits thing, but it sounds too me like you're more emotionally invested than that.

Whatever happens, just make sure to wait a while before being obviously with the girl in front of the other guy, just for the sake of relations at work.

You know she's in a relationship but have sex with her anyway? Not okay, dude. Not okay. I mean, let's be honest here: Everybody reading your question agrees that it's better not to do what you're doing. If he's a D-bag, then have her tell him instead of using it as an excuse to do something that, when push comes to shove, you have to agree isn't something that good people do.

tl;dr: You're helping her do something immoral. Not okay.

Well, it takes two to tango.
Also, you should not s@@t where you eat.

None of you are innocent in this situation. The other guy is enough of a douchebag - if what you say is true, of course - to turn her to cheating on him, she's an asshole for cheating, and you're not any better for helping her.

If it helps, I do feel more sorry for him then I do for either of you.

Most useful stuff has been said already.

Only thing I can add is for you to weigh whether or not the guilt and/or worrying that this current fling gives you (which it obviously gives in some degree or you wouldn't have posted about it) is more or less taxing on you than spending effort to break it off and find a new gal to have jolly sex with.

Even if you decide you're not in the wrong it might be worth it to find a gal whose life isn't in quite such an apparent mess. There's a lot of fish in the sea and all that and this one doesn't exactly seem to be exactly prime quality.

Yeah, it doesn't matter who is more wrong. She's arguably more wrong but that doesn't stop the OP from being in the wrong.

She's more wrong for breaking her commitment, but you are also wrong and you probably already know that.
If you need to categorise from most to least wrong it goes: Her, you, him (if he really is a terrible boyfriend but he's obviously not terrible enough to break up with so I call bullshit on that).

Gonna go out on a limb here and say that this is her responsibility and not yours, but you should probably question hanging out with a girl like this. Although if it's just sex then that's probably not a problem.
But why is she still with him if he's a douchebag and she's dissatisfied enough with the relationship to cheat? Not going ahead with an affair wouldn't have solved the problems with this relationship but they would have prevented inflaming them quicker and the shit could really hit the fan if you all work together and he finds out. Maybe you should've questioned this more in the first place, more with the consequences in mind than anything else.

Yes you are at fault too. Saying that he is a d-bag to her is not an excuse to help someone cheat. She's more wrong for cheating on him in the first place but you are helping her. If he is that terrible a boyfriend she would have spoken up about it. You should have questioned these things in the first place. There's no justifying it, OP.

I'm going to take a different approach here:

You share the fault under one and only one condition- if you seduced her. As in she really, really, really didn't want to get physical and you played every trick in the book to change her mind, wore her down or plied her with drink or something like that to change her mind. That would make you at fault for some of this.

But I'm assuming that didn't happen, and I'm assuming you're both adults. In that case, you are not responsible for her relationship. Some people have relationships with infidelity and it works. Others don't. It's not your job to police their relationship. What you need to evaluate is if the arrangement between the two of you works for you and her.

That said, you're in a really risky position. Things could blow up that interfere with your job, and if you need this job to further your career... do you really want to endanger your career just for sex? Also, keep this in mind: If she'd lie to her dating partner about her commitment to him, can you really trust her not to lie to you as well?

Don't shit where you eat.

Learned that personally too, not over the internet. It makes work really weird after you see a coworker and then you break it off but you have to keep working with said coworker. And your case will be double plus weird, since you've got this weird love triangle thing, and it will get ugly if he finds out.

I would say you're also at fault, and that the longer you keep at it, the more explosive it's liable to become. I'd tell her to dump the dude (if she's cheating then I assume she's having problems with him) or call it off. But, that's the rational choice. If the sex is just that good, then keep doing it and irrationally hope that things won't implode.

Yoshi4507:
So, I'm currently seeing this girl quite often. Friends with benefits thing. Its amazing, dont get me wrong. The only problem though is that she has a boyfriend. To make it better, we are all coworkers. Luckily he doesnt know, but has suspicion. I know she is in the wrong for doing it, but whats bugging me is " how wrong am I in comparison"? At the moment all I can think of is I, m not the one cheating, she is, hes a real d-bag to her anyway, and me always coming to that conclusion is whats bothering me. Whos more wrong?

Do you want a relationship with this girl? Or is it purely a sex thing?

I've been in the same boat... Sleeping with a friend who's in a 'bad' relationship. Fine and dandy at first, problems arise when I developed feeling beyond just sex. Very quickly it turned from harmless fun into bad situation, as I didn't really know where I stood with her. We rapidly went from best friends to awkward encounters and forced texts. My advice is don't get to the stage where you have stronger feelings for her. Looking back, she messed both of us (boyfriend and myself) but I shouldn't have allowed that situation to happen... Both in the wrong I'm afraid.

If you know she's seeing a guy then yeah, it makes you at fault. I'd be willing to bet that the other guy, if and probably when he finds out, will agree.

Yoshi4507:
So, I'm currently seeing this girl quite often. Friends with benefits thing. Its amazing, dont get me wrong. The only problem though is that she has a boyfriend. To make it better, we are all coworkers. Luckily he doesnt know, but has suspicion. I know she is in the wrong for doing it, but whats bugging me is " how wrong am I in comparison"? At the moment all I can think of is I, m not the one cheating, she is, hes a real d-bag to her anyway, and me always coming to that conclusion is whats bothering me. Whos more wrong?

If we have to lay down a fault, then she's obviously the one at fault (unless you made her sleep with you by slipping some date-rape drug in her fruit punch). She has the boyfriend. She's the one in the commitment. You're just being a regular old horny dude. Nothing wrong with that. But since you know that she has a boyfriend, it becomes a morality issue on your part. It's not the most polite thing in the world to be sleeping with another dude's girl. I mean if she never told you then whatever. But personally I get uncomfortable when I find out a girl I've been sleeping with has a boyfriend (which has happened quite a lot in my life recently...).

As to your remark about him being a big d-bag to her, sounds like she's being the bigger d-bag by fucking you. No offense.

lechat:
would you say the guy would be justified in punching you in the face?
then you are not without blame

If she was married then I would agree with you, but if she is just dating this guy and cheating, then I don't think OP is really under any obligation to back off, especially if he isn't friends with the boyfriend.

The only thing that really makes the OP a dumbass is that both this girl and her boyfriend are his coworkers.

Jamacus:
I've been in the same boat... Sleeping with a friend who's in a 'bad' relationship. Looking back, she messed both of us (boyfriend and myself) but I shouldn't have allowed that situation to happen...

It's a bad relationship, but not a bad enough one for the girl to want to leave. If she is not willing to leave now, then will she ever be? This situation should be handled the same as if it was reversed. Say a girl wanted to marry a guy, but the guy was dating two women. It's time to get serious, time to choose one.

You need to set an ultimatum, make her choose, you or him.

Being more old-fashioned, "with benefits" is ring on finger serious, and so I would recommend avoiding "with benefits" situations anyway.

So you are essentially the guy the girl is cheating with. Even worse the relationship is purely physical with no emotional attachment. Which means like most cheating couples you don't even have the luxury of the excuse that you belong together. Even more worse you know the guy who's girl you are currently screwing..... and you are asking if you are in the wrong here. Wow.

Yes
Yes. you are in the wrong here
Don't even try to wiggle out of it.

The blame lies equally with both of you. She had the idea to cheat. You enabled the idea, knowing the score beforehand.

Why do I somehow get this ominous feeling that "Don't care, had snu snu" is coming somewhere along the road in one way or another? Maybe that's just me being cynical though. *shrug* I need to tone down on that I think.

DrunkenMonkey:
So you are essentially the guy the girl is cheating with. Even worse the relationship is purely physical with no emotional attachment. Which means like most cheating couples you don't even have the luxury of the excuse that you belong together. Even more worse you know the guy who's girl you are currently screwing..... and you are asking if you are in the wrong here. Wow.

Yes
Yes. you are in the wrong here
Don't even try to wiggle out of it.

The blame lies equally with both of you. She had the idea to cheat. You enabled the idea, knowing the score beforehand.

This sums up my thoughts. Its pretty sad when people use the internet for support, to justify dishonesty.

No, you're fine. You don't care about him, she knows exactly what she's doing. You're not obligated to that relationship in any way. Of course, if he punches you for it, he has a right to be pissed, but I don't see a problem with sleeping with someone who has a boyfriend you either don't know/like.

If you knew the guy and he was a friend, that'd be a dick move. As it stands you don't have an obligation to take care of her relationship for her.

In a moral sense you are wrong. In a legalistic sense you are not wrong, depending on the state and the country. What you are saying is that you believe cheating is ok. You are supporting it.

Justify it all you want, but you are ok with it and supporting it.

also have you considered that in fact she doesn't care about you? your little more then a distraction for her, she obviously has feelings about the guy otherwise she would break up with him. And you don't care about her since you are letting her hurt herself, him and her job like this.

If you honestly feel anything for her beyond a nice fuckhole, you should man up and take responsibility for what it is you are doing with her.

Everyone here is lame.

It's not really that bad. The other guy will understandably be pissed about it if he found out and that's on you to deal with but there's not really anything to feel guilty about.

Short answer:
You are both at fault.
Don't have sex with co-workers, no matter the relationship status, ever.
Leave her alone and find someone else, who doesn't work with you, to thoroughly explore.

Long Answer:

Unless you are so weak-willed that you will automatically say yes to everyone who offers you sex, you are as much a willing participant in her cheating as she is. You're knowingly helping her get herself into a situation which can and likely will go very wrong for all involved, rather than doing the reasonable thing and having her work out her issues with her current boyfriend before getting intimate with her. And, as you so keenly noted, she is in the wrong for doing this. If you care about her at all, why are you helping her get into some potentially rather ugly trouble?

It it were me, this is a situation I would steer well clear of.

Yoshi4507:
To make it better, we are all coworkers.

uhh... How does that make it better? Like, at all? I hope that's sarcasm.

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