Why do women love confidence in a man?

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Men don't usually care if a woman is that confident, but nearly across the board weither the woman is a dom or a sub, a older or a younger woman, nearly all of them require or find a condifent man sexy/strong/good.

Why?

It isn't this homogonis with men, some like a confident women some don't, but with women it is practicly always a yes.

If submissive or old school house women liked confident men but dominearing/business ladies didn't then I could understand.

But the fact that it seems completly untied to any other beliefs/opinions that the women have in common...is odd yes?

I'm not going to speak for women in general just those that I know who have spoke about it.

They wanted a confident man because a confident man knows who he is, what he wants and is able to look after himself.

They don't want someone who needs fussing over and mothering.

I say wanted because thats what they got.

Aside from the confidence thing they aren't very fussy, and it shows, 2 of them are married to Man U fans .... they have no standards (says the bloke who's wife is a Man U fan).

But even women who want a man who they can look after, who they can treat as a mother (and there are women out there like that) STILL want a confident man.

That is my big problem in understanding. Even the women who want something that would generally come with low confidence, they STILL want someone with a lot of confidence.

Thank you for your response!

People want confidence in a partner in general if not simply because it implies competence and means that they don't have to put as much effort forward since a confident person will take charge out of natural habit.

Like Rawne1980 said nobody wants to get into a relationship with someone who can't even take care of themselves. A lot of people who feel like they need a relationship, and only feel that way because they are not satisfied with who they are. They need someone else to increase their sense of self value. In general when you don't need a partner than you are the ideal partner generally you will have more to bring to the table.

Strong confidence is, among other characteristics (strength, looks, cleverness...), an evolutionary advantage because confidence means assertiveness means being higher up in the social structure and genes from an alpha male are favoured throughout the animal kindom.
Just because Homo sapiens has decided it would like to stand above such animalistic behaviours doesn't mean that millions of years of good instincts are overwritten like that. The beauty of evolution is that it completely explains that it is, in fact, not odd at all.

I think men also like confident women, you just seem to associate confidence with masculinity, which isn't very accurate. Confidence doesn't mean the same as swagger or dominance. Confidence is produced by a healthy amount of self-esteem, it is simply believing in yourself. Being comfortable in your own skin. What man doesn't find that attractive? Or rather, how many guys have you seen seek out the opposite? "Man, I really want a piece of that mousy girl in the corner who dresses like shit because she has no self-respect and looks like she'd rather be anywhere else but here."

Why men don't point it out as something they find attractive as often as women I can't say, but being a female myself I think I can guess why women feel the need to point it out. When growing up, guys tend to establish their pecking order by who has the most swagger, the most strength. They wrestle, they chase, they climb, arm wrestle, all those little contests to establish who's king of the hill. You bring another guy down a notch by outmatching him in those games.

Girls, on the other hand, establish their pecking order through psychological contests. They form cliques, and engage in psychological warfare. They tear other girls down by ripping into their self-esteem and self-image. Rather than subduing them with a chokehold, they subdue them by making them question themselves and their worthiness to be higher up on the totem pole.

When you spend your entire adolescence fighting these sorts of mental battles, you become attuned not only to your own self-confidence but also the confidence of others. So since self-confidence is a valuable resource in order to survive those sorts of psychological wars, of course girls are going to pick up on it faster and of course they are going to take notice when they see an abundance of it.

Of course that's all just speculation on my part based on stereotypes, but hey isn't that what psychology's all about?

because if you (the man) are insecure and worried about everything... theres no room for them to be insecure and worried about everything... (not entirely serious btw..just seems that way to me sometimes)

but yea..confidence is sexy because it implies you can get shit done (confidence = competence if you will)

cerebreturns:
But even women who want a man who they can look after, who they can treat as a mother (and there are women out there like that) STILL want a confident man.

That is my big problem in understanding. Even the women who want something that would generally come with low confidence, they STILL want someone with a lot of confidence.

Thank you for your response!

Who said what we are attracted to had to make sense? It's not unheard of to be attracted to seemingly contradictory things. I say "seemingly" because those two traits can be reconciled together, but it'll usually be difficult to find someone with that reconciled trait.

Same reason the peacock ladies like sparkly feathers and baboon ladies love a red butt.

Confidence = Dominance = "I'm with that guy, 'cause no one's gonna break into his house and steal his stuff/rape his wife/kill our kids." And by proxy, it means that your offspring will (likely) be confident and dominant too.

Throughout the ages, women have needed men who are strong and confident enough to protect the home. Women have cared for the kids, men have protected and provided for the family. A wuss just wouldn't do the trick. It was not until a short while ago that women finally were able to care for themselves and live alone. Which is probably why we've expanded our love interests to include men who don't fit the caveman profile too, because we don't need protection as much anymore.

In a way, you could say female independence has benefited both the women and the non-alfa men.

Wild Cat:
Same reason the peacock ladies like sparkly feathers and baboon ladies love a red butt.

Confidence = Dominance = "I'm with that guy, 'cause no one's gonna break into his house and steal his stuff/rape his wife/kill our kids." And by proxy, it means that your offspring will (likely) be confident and dominant too.

Throughout the ages, women have needed men who are strong and confident enough to protect the home. Women have cared for the kids, men have protected and provided for the family. A wuss just wouldn't do the trick. It was not until a short while ago that women finally were able to care for themselves and live alone. Which is probably why we've expanded our love interests to include men who don't fit the caveman profile too, because we don't need protection as much anymore.

In a way, you could say female independence has benefited both the women and the non-alfa men.

Except that's just my point. The fact that even though it's not needed required anymore, it's still desired and required by the majority of women, even those who try to take on other roles.

cerebreturns:
Except that's just my point. The fact that even though it's not needed required anymore, it's still desired and required by the majority of women, even those who try to take on other roles.

Let's not forget that instincts take time to adapt. A long time. Attraction is based on what our instinct tells us we need in a partner; and like everything else, it's Nature versus Nurture. Evolution and the red baboon butts plays one part, individual experience (in particular childhood role models) play one too. For example, girls who grow up seeing daddy beat up mommy, often end up dating violent men. Men who grow up seeing mommy abuse daddy, often end up as miserable as daddy. Not all the time, but depressingly often.

So perhaps having a confident dad inspires finding a confident boyfriend. Sorry about all the Freudian psychology, but he did have some solid points behind all the sex jokes.

Let's not forget that confidence and cockiness are not the same thing. Confidence suggests that you have a level of self-love, which suggests that you are able to give love. Self-conscious people have more trouble showing affection as it poses a risk of rejection.

I can only speak for myself of course, but I will say that I want to be in a relationship with someone who is emotionally healthy. I don't view people with confidence issues as emotionally healthy. I have my own self-esteem issues and the last thing I need is to inflict on myself someone who is just as flaky and insecure as I am. I'm trying to get better and an insecure other-half is just going to drag me back down. I want positive influences in my life.

That's not to say I would reject someone who is quieter or even shy. But it is vital that they be happy with who they are, or at the very least aware of their problems and actively trying to fix them.

As many have said before me, confidence is pretty important, having faith in yourself is a great asset and one that's still relevant in our modern world unlike some other traits (how much does height really advantage someone in today's world?). One thing that does annoy me though is the way some people assume that quiet = lacking in confidence, I'm pretty introverted compared to most people and so I don't speak a whole lot, however that isn't down to lack of confidence, whenever I have something to say or argue then I'll speak up loud. People who don't know me well seem to assume that I'm "timid" because of this which really grinds my gears, luckily they learn soon enough...

Because you we're made to be ruled... wait, I mean... it absolves you of all personal responsibility... er, maybe it's... people are lazy and avoid effort where they can... um, perhaps... people desire to wield power even vicariously... well... I guess all the answers don't really reflect well on those who perpetuate the stereotype.

Just remember this kids, if they find you attractive; you're confident, if they don't; you're arrogant. And no one likes arrogance... ;)

cerebreturns:
Men don't usually care if a woman is that confident.

Speak for yourself man, I love confidence in a woman. Shyness makes good anime characters but in real life is just frustrating.

cerebreturns:
Men don't usually care if a woman is that confident...

Hm. Who are you hanging out with? Confident women are highly sought-after goods in my neck of the woods.

As for why it's a sought-after quality, well, there's probably evolutionary reasons for that, but I think that, at the end of the day, the simplest reason is that confident people are...well, more human than non-confident people, at least in appearance. That is, it is easier to recognize the personality, perspective, and qualities of a confident person than of a shy person. When such is the case, and given the backdrop of people who are basically "just there," you are dealing with more of a known quantity, and therefore know what you're getting into by pursuing said individual.

Probably because poor confidence is a terrible personal quality, especially in a relationship. I don't know anyone who doesn't value confidence, men or women.

Please don't take what I said out of context. I said men usually don't care, not that they perfer a woman who's not confident. Those are 2 completely different things.

And yes, while I agree that most people do value confidence, just as most people value attractiveness and health, I still disagree with the statement that men care just as much as women about it. Look around at society, not just your social circle, not just yourself.

Thank you everyone for your reply's :) There is some very interesting and informative responses here.

cerebreturns:
Please don't take what I said out of context. I said men usually don't care, not that they perfer a woman who's not confident. Those are 2 completely different things.

Yes they are different, but they more or less lead to the same result. What makes you think that guys don't care about that? Sure maybe the ones who are just trying to get a piece of ass aren't concerned about substance, but as Chemical Alia pointed out there for a real relationship a lack of confidence puts a real damper on things, no matter how you slice it. Sure it can be endearing when paired with a few other traits, but on its own it's frustrating and tedious, and can be a sign of even deeper and more complicated problems. Complicated is never attractive.

And yes, while I agree that most people do value confidence, just as most people value attractiveness and health, I still disagree with the statement that men care just as much as women about it. Look around at society, not just your social circle, not just yourself.

But again, what has lead you to this conclusion? Are you sure it's not just a discrepancy in how much they are voicing these desires? In my experience, guys are much less forthcoming about the traits they want to see in women, outside of physical traits. Unless the situation is just right, getting to those really touchy feely desires in a partner can be like pulling teeth with a lot of guys. They usually just prefer to leave it unsaid, while women (who are more likely to use words to solve their problems) will list every little thing they want in a man, from a cute butt to being willing to just lie around all day and cuddle.

Well, confidence can be sexy to men too. Granted it is not a deal breaker, just a bonus.

Hell, I am so deluded an confused about interpersonal matters nowadays that I don't even know what confidence really 'means.' Or at least in terms of this discussion.

The socio-psychological concept of self-confidence relates to self-assuredness in one's personal judgment, ability, power, etc

I would add that EVERYBODY likes assertive people. The trend setters, those that stand for something, those that are quite literally IMBUED with meaning.

Who would you be more interested in? The girl sitting in the corner with with her head on the table acting all mopey or that girl who is on the stage playing the piano in the jazz band quite brilliantly and with much excitement?

If you want a more relevant example, Yahtzee.

...

Though of course I would lament I suffer from a degree of many personal problems so it becomes rather frustrating to deal with. Anyhow, off to therapy!

But the question of, do women care more about confidence than men? I have no idea quite frankly.

women are hard wired to guy for the guy with the best genes and self confidence sets you up as being an alpha male. sub consciously if you see a guy acting like he is the shit than you automatically assume he is cause if he wasn't someone else would have showed up and knocked him down a peg or 2 and he would be the one walking around with swagger and that other guy would be hiding in a corner crying

it doesn't matter if it is true or not. if you run around with self confidence you will automatically get better jobs and women. seriously. fact.

cerebreturns:
Men don't usually care if a woman is that confident...

Really? I'm very attracted to confident women.

I thought confidence was sexy overall.

I don't want to babysit a partner, and I imagine a lot of other people feel the same.

Lilani:
I think men also like confident women, you just seem to associate confidence with masculinity, which isn't very accurate. Confidence doesn't mean the same as swagger or dominance. Confidence is produced by a healthy amount of self-esteem, it is simply believing in yourself. Being comfortable in your own skin. What man doesn't find that attractive? Or rather, how many guys have you seen seek out the opposite? "Man, I really want a piece of that mousy girl in the corner who dresses like shit because she has no self-respect and looks like she'd rather be anywhere else but here."

Why men don't point it out as something they find attractive as often as women I can't say, but being a female myself I think I can guess why women feel the need to point it out. When growing up, guys tend to establish their pecking order by who has the most swagger, the most strength. They wrestle, they chase, they climb, arm wrestle, all those little contests to establish who's king of the hill. You bring another guy down a notch by outmatching him in those games.

Girls, on the other hand, establish their pecking order through psychological contests. They form cliques, and engage in psychological warfare. They tear other girls down by ripping into their self-esteem and self-image. Rather than subduing them with a chokehold, they subdue them by making them question themselves and their worthiness to be higher up on the totem pole.

When you spend your entire adolescence fighting these sorts of mental battles, you become attuned not only to your own self-confidence but also the confidence of others. So since self-confidence is a valuable resource in order to survive those sorts of psychological wars, of course girls are going to pick up on it faster and of course they are going to take notice when they see an abundance of it.

Of course that's all just speculation on my part based on stereotypes, but hey isn't that what psychology's all about?

You sound like a nature analyst. The Males compete for social dominance to prove their right to mate, while the girls prove who are the most eligible by forming a social hierarchy where the most popular girl is "proven" in a psychological sense.

Soviet Heavy:
You sound like a nature analyst. The Males compete for social dominance to prove their right to mate, while the girls prove who are the most eligible by forming a social hierarchy where the most popular girl is "proven" in a psychological sense.

Lol, I'm just going by what I witnessed/went through in gradeschool. I experienced and witnessed those mind games first hand, and it is frighteningly similar to dominance showdowns you see on National Geographic. Anytime the girls in one particular group decided they wanted someone out, or that someone outside the group was causing them problems, they attacked. They spread rumors, they call names, they turn others against them. Only on very rare occasions did they ever resort to fisticuffs, and even then the anger that lead to the fighting was usually caused by the psychological warfare.

What I said about the guys was more from my passing observations. I didn't like many of the guys in my school so I only observed them from a distance. But from what I could tell, the main "cool guys" held their status by being physically fit and active, or by having enough swagger and self-confidence to be charismatic. Sometimes they could get by on just physical strength or charisma, but if a guy had neither he wasn't very high on the totem pole. But again I never had to go through any of that, so that could all be a load of shit.

Also, the thing about women using words to solve problems is something I've heard before. Men will usually rely on intuition and what is around them to solve problems, while women will use words. This, apparently, is why women like to ask for directions and men prefer to drive around for hours so they can get "oriented" again.

cerebreturns:
Men don't usually care if a woman is that confident,

I'm going to disagree with this pretty strongly. The only times I've known of men who like women who aren't confident have been men who themselves lack confidence and want a woman who is insecure in the hopes that she will be an easy lay. Because women who lack confidence often make poor choices on the men in their lives, and some men know those poor choices are their only shot at human contact.

but nearly across the board weither the woman is a dom or a sub, a older or a younger woman, nearly all of them require or find a condifent man sexy/strong/good.

Actually, this has not been my experience.

Women tend to be no more smarter than men in my experience, and so that means women are collectively just as poor judges of actual confidence as men are. After all, there are different kinds of confidence.

My experience is that 90% of men who are seen by women to be confident are just playing a game to mask their insecurities, and 90% of women who fall for such tricks aren't actually sincerely looking for genuinely confident guys; what they're looking for is guys who fit a conventional male gender role.

But the fact that it seems completly untied to any other beliefs/opinions that the women have in common...is odd yes?

Because it's part of the gender role for men and not for women. Thus, a man who is confident is more of a prize and therefore reflects more positively on the woman who nets him than a woman who is confident reflects on the man that nets her.

Naturally, the above is all superficial. It doesn't matter who is actually confident, but rather who makes a show of confidence. And my experience has been that most guys who superficially appear confident are actually deeply wrapped up in what other people think of them, while guys who do not appear confident actually tend to have confidence in spades (they don't reveal their confidence, because they're not so insecure that they feel they need to.)

But just like how a man looking for a trophy woman tends not to care about the thoughts in her head, a woman looking for a trophy man tends not to care about genuine confidence. As long as he superficially looks the part, he's good enough.

I think you might be simplifying this a bit

cerebreturns:
Men don't usually care if a woman is that confident,

thats not quite true, it IS true from what Ive seen around the interwebs that some guys find shyness and that whole "delicate little flower" thing apealing in some ways yes, however not all do

but nearly across the board weither the woman is a dom or a sub, a older or a younger woman, nearly all of them require or find a condifent man sexy/strong/good.

*rolls eyes* yes all women like the exactly the same thing

I think your problem is, is your being to specific in what "confidence" actually means, confidence to varying degrees is a postive trait in all people regardless of gender, the fact is no one wants a door mat, or somone who is so self loathing and insecure they constantly need the other party to encourage them

"confidence" in a man doesn't automatically mean some dude-bro-playa-jock, if somone is conifdent then they have enough I guess "self esteem" to put themselves out there, to mabye ask a girl out ect

I don't know about anyone else but I wouldnt want a so called "nice guy" who leeches onto a girl and is freinds with her hoping that she'll somehow end up loving him but is too insecure/shy to make his feelings clear, on the other side I dont want some asshole

It isn't this homogonis with men, some like a confident women some don't, but with women it is practicly always a yes.

and you know what how?

Quadocky:

If you want a more relevant example, Yahtzee.
.

huh?..I dont get it

no disrespect to Mr Yahtzee but he kind of seems a bit miserable...also a self professed introvert

Lilani:
What man doesn't find that attractive? Or rather, how many guys have you seen seek out the opposite? "Man, I really want a piece of that mousy girl in the corner who dresses like shit because she has no self-respect and looks like she'd rather be anywhere else but here."

leave me alone godammit!

and its not my fault men got the better deal when it comes to clothing :(

Girls, on the other hand, establish their pecking order through psychological contests. They form cliques, and engage in psychological warfare. They tear other girls down by ripping into their self-esteem and self-image. Rather than subduing them with a chokehold, they subdue them by making them question themselves and their worthiness to be higher up on the totem pole.

When you spend your entire adolescence fighting these sorts of mental battles, you become attuned not only to your own self-confidence but also the confidence of others. So since self-confidence is a valuable resource in order to survive those sorts of psychological wars, of course girls are going to pick up on it faster and of course they are going to take notice when they see an abundance of it.

god damn...XD

I'm trying to remember if I experienced any of that in highschool...I think in a way but it was more subtle

In my experiance, men tend to dont notice the more shy girls, als long as they arent very attractive and those two traits dont go along often.
while shy guys can be cute, it also can be difficult to go for anything romantic. some wont be able to realize you're interessted in them, as they just couldnt see why...
Needing to constantly reafirm them can get very exhausing.
For me personally, confidence is important in a guy, so I dont intimidate him too much, so he can stand up for his opinion if its different from mine, so he tells me what he thinks and wants.
You need to be confident enough for a relationship, but I'm certainly not attracted to guys with a bloated ego.

If you only let your ovaries pick a guy for you, you probably wont be too happy.

I care strongly if a woman is confident in herself. At it's most basic, think of it this way:

If you had the choice between being with a partner who was confident in the relationship and believed in themself, or one who wasn't confident and you constantly had to emotionally babysit and remind them that they were smart, pretty, etc. etc., which one would you pick?

Likewise, even in our "non-caveman" society, confidence still matters greatly. Talk to any sort of manager or executive and ask them who they'll choose if they have two candidates with the same qualifications, but one is confident in themself while the other is meek and doesn't think they can do anything right. 999 times out of 1000 they'll go with the former.

guess i'm the odd one out cause i friggn love shy girls, so if you guys are not interested send em my way please.
not to say there isn't a lower limit on it but generally i'd prefer a mousey well presented chick to one that runs around flopping her tits out hoping for everyone approval

image

image

Ummm, I'm a guy that likes a confident woman. I guess I'm just weird. Shy can be cute at first, but gets tiring quickly. I'd prefer confident over timid any day.

Rawne1980:
I'm not going to speak for women in general just those that I know who have spoke about it.

They wanted a confident man because a confident man knows who he is, what he wants and is able to look after himself.

They don't want someone who needs fussing over and mothering.

I say wanted because thats what they got.

Aside from the confidence thing they aren't very fussy, and it shows, 2 of them are married to Man U fans .... they have no standards (says the bloke who's wife is a Man U fan).

Even scummers (southampton) supporters can get married so they really cant be that fussy

From this woman's perspective confidence comes in many forms. Confidence isn't the complete opposite of shy or equals dominate to me. Confidence is when a person knows and stands behind their actions and who they are. That being said I think most women want that balanced with self awareness, but don't realize it. The problem is unrestrained confidence in men and women leads to arrogance, and both sexes tend to focus on confidence without the other.

I know plenty of confident guys who are shy and quiet. In fact they're waaay more appealing

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