Best thing you have ever heard someone say?

 Pages 1 2 NEXT
 

Ok so my parents bug me about having NO social life (They don't know I talk the lovely people on the escapist obviously). Yesterday I went downstairs to grab my evening meal and my dad offered me some beer or cider. Me not being a drinking kind of person I declined the offer, this seemed to upset my mother in some way and she proceeded to say the FUNNIEST AND MOST STUPID THING IN THE WORLD. She was full on shouting this by the way.

"What is wrong with you?! You don't drink! you don't smoke! you don't have sex! What do you do?!"

And so I replied "Are you encouraging me to smoke, drink and have sex with strangers?" at which point she just froze speechless and I burst out laughing. She meant everything she said because later that evening I asked my mum "you weren't being serious about what you said earlier right?" She replied "well you don't do anything else, you have no vices" Saying it like it's a bad thing. My mum is so backward sometimes I swear XD .

Anyway, what is the best thing you have ever heard someone say? It doesn't have to be directed towards you, it could be a piece of a conversation you heard in the street. Try not to use things from the TV, internet or movies etc.

lRookiel:

"You don't drink! you don't smoke! What do you do?!"

OT: The best thing I've ever had anyone say to me was a scientist I once knew. he was trying to make a point about the uncertainty principle or the observer effect or something. He could tell I wasn't getting it, so he just said,

Look, it's like saying that all dark matter is made of caterpillars.

To this day i still have no idea what that means or what it had to do with what we were talking about.

"If he was coming at me with a knife, yeah, I'd punt that baby so hard, I don't even care, we can make more!"

I wonder if I should give the context or not...

... we talk about some messed-up shit. I feel like the context might be even more messed up than the quote[1], so I'll use another one from the same person. The context for this one is that it was about nine years ago, when we were both around the age of 12, and it's yelled out the window of a car as we drove by a young female college student:

"Will you buy me a Creemee?!"

Since I'm led to believe that 'Creemee' is mostly a New England thing, it's just soft serve ice cream.

[1] And feel the need to clarify that neither of us are actually serial killers.

My friend and i were sitting on his back deck obviously partaking in beverages and he throws out the gem
"I want to punch a moose in its stupid moose face"
needless to say it stuck with me

Back in the day, I was sitting around with a couple friends of mine (all of us male) when one completely out of nowhere says "I bet if you guys tried to rape me, I wouldn't be able to stop you." Needless to say, we never let him live that gem down.

I was walking around town with friends and one of them blurted out...
"Have you ever noticed facial hair is like hair on your head, but on your face?"
Never let her live it down!

My best friends and I were discussing weird stuff last night, it eventually led to a discussion on feet. One of my friends then proceeded to say that...

"Feet are just hands with tiny fingers!"

I then laughed for a whole minute straight.

And the moral is: never let Death give birth to your children!

He was trying to tell a story they had examined in school, but he was very high, and became confused. I'm pretty sure that isn't the moral of the original tale.

"You're really funny, you know that?"

Abit of a background on me, I am NOT a funny guy at all, I'm terrible at telling jokes or trying to make people laugh (that E.T joke stunt I pulled back in High School was proof of my unability to be funny).
This was the first year of University when I was getting to know the other student I will be with in my corse so we hang out alot to get to know each other more. It happen when we were at one of my mate flat (which his place is awesome) and we were just chatting about stuff. I just happen to make a few witty remarks (can't remember what it was) and one guy was laughing from it quite alot which he then said that. I pretty much took that as a complemet given to my status and my past trying to be funny.

"Nah, the car won't go faster then 160."

So this was my mum telling me at the dinner table that the family car would not go faster then 160 km/h. Not the day before when I came back from Germany driving the same car I hit 230 on the autobahn. (probably could have pushed it further but the chassis started to seriously shake)

I really had to concentrate on my food....

Why does Graham purple?

Me and a friend of mine where watching tv at his place, when he spouted that little gem. (Graham being his younger brother)
We both laughed, and he said he'd actually meant to ask a question about the show we where watching, but that was what came out.

I've said this before, I'll say it again:

Should I give Gandalf a Jetpack?

From a friend. I refuse to tell you the context.

Among 3 of my friends and I sitting beside a river;

"Wow, look at all those fish there!"
"I think they're Chinese, aren't they?"
"That's terrible!! Chinese people look nothing like that!"

lRookiel:

"What is wrong with you?! You don't drink! you don't smoke! you don't have sex! What do you do?!"

Hey, I'm like that too! We can be anti-social together!

OT: Off the top of my head:-
"Badassfully, dammit, you big, stupid jellyfish. I'm just three solar days from retirement."

In my defence, my brother told me that line before I heard the original.

King of Asgaard:

lRookiel:

"What is wrong with you?! You don't drink! you don't smoke! you don't have sex! What do you do?!"

Hey, I'm like that too! We can be anti-social together!

OT: Off the top of my head:-
"Badassfully, dammit, you big, stupid jellyfish. I'm just three solar days from retirement."

In my defence, my brother told me that line before I heard the original.

YEAH!

Social outcast powers activate!

The fact that I just said that further reinforces the fact that I am indeed a social outcast. -.-

A massively fat man and woman of equally epic proportion come into my work, they have a tiny new born with them.

Friend: How the hell did they manage that then?

Me: Manage what?

Friend: Having a kid.

Me: Umm let me see, how do I explain this?...when a mummy and a daddy love each other very much..

Friend: Ha ha funny, what I mean is how the hell did they do the deed? I cant figure it out, I mean look at the size of them it's logistically impossible, unless....man that dude must be hung like a stallion!

Me: It's deeply disturbing to me that you have given it that much thought...I just wanted to let you know that.

A friend of mine sent me a text the other day that said 'I am a cancerous hitler slug.'

I'm not gonna explain the context but that happened.

I really can't explain how that happened, or why, but I laughed far more than I should have.

A girl I knew said:

"I want to go to the Eurovision Song Contest for America"

We just stared at her till she realised how dumb what she said was. She wasn't even American or a good singer. It was really dumb and weird in equal proportions

I was sat in the doctors, two old blokes were talking across from me and all I heard was "when my wife dies, i'm gonna get one of those thailand brides, I can't wait".

Took all of my willpower not to burst out laughing.

Well wasent anything anyone said but during a geography test in school when we were 14 years, and my friend couldent find the answer for the island furthest to the east on the map to asia was"japan". He said it was "west korea", and this is from a guy who loved samurais and found asian stuff cool.

So whenever he tries to be smart, we always point out that atleast we dont call the island of japan that is east of korea for West korea. The saying is 11years old and we are far from over when it comes to pestering him with it.

Dogstile:
I was sat in the doctors, two old blokes were talking across from me and all I heard was "when my wife dies, i'm gonna get one of those thailand brides, I can't wait".

Took all of my willpower not to burst out laughing.

I just did a signature Jontron "WHAT?!" out of shock when I read that a few minutes ago. I didn't realize it is 1 in the morning and I woke up my dad, he was pretty pissed off at me. Still thank you so much for telling me this.

I sounded EXACTLY like this, I didn't even know my voice could go that high. You may have just got me in trouble but I couldn't give two shits.

This happened when I was a young lad and my family were on a little trip going somewhere.

We stopped for lunch/sandwiches near a river with some rapids in it, and since me and my siblings were quite wild ones my father out of concern told us this:

"This river is probably really deep."
And then he calmly picked up a big rock and threw it about halfway out into the river, where it promptly bounced of the bottom on the river and up in the air again.

Turns out the river was about a foot deep, and it was just extremely murky that day.

Nevertheless, that is one of quite a few gems my family has managed to capture on our homevideos.

OhJohnNo:
I've said this before, I'll say it again:

Should I give Gandalf a Jetpack?

From a friend. I refuse to tell you the context.

ALWAYS give Gandalf a jetpack.

I know the OP says no stuff from movies, but before I'd ever seen Lucky Number Slevin, which I believe it's from, a friend of mine said this when I asked him what he was going to say in response to a job offer:
'I'm gonna say the same thing that the man with two penises says when the tailor asks him if he dresses on the right or the left side. YES.'

In my first job my boss told me I was dusting sarcastically then he wrote me up.

"Eww no, fruit mince pies are minced meat and fruit"
My friend said this near Christmas this year and she will never live it down.
It's going to be a new Christmas tradition to rag on her about it.

For ego purposes, this
http://twitpic.com/b5xfvm

Look at that recognition! :)

For seriousness, I was in biology class, and the professor was trying to explain how cows were able to get the bacteria in their stomachs to digest their food. She asked the guy next to me "You've seen how baby cows lick their mothers?" and he, without missing a beat goes "No, but I'm sure they do, go on..."

It was just how he said it idk XD

"I love you so much, you're just so amazing! I wish I was like you!"

Says a person I didn't even know to me while we were sitting in a group talking about nothing in particular. It's the best total stranger comment I've ever had, and she completely meant it.

I felt all warm inside.

Why dont they ever do rises go down?

(had to use the translator on this one due to the original language being portuguese)

Basicly we were climbing a really long set of stairs in the street and he was getting tired untill he decided to ask why dont people make "rises" (the portuguese word used meant "the act of going up") go down.

Its a bit hard to explain here but its like saying "Why dont they ever make closed doors open?", like being closed and opened at the same time.

... I dont care, it was funny at the time!

I once mentioned in a series of rambling to my sister with the ground-shattering revelation that "Everyone's people". We still joke about it.

Edited for spelling and word choice.

Erja_Perttu:

lRookiel:

"You don't drink! you don't smoke! What do you do?!"

OT: The best thing I've ever had anyone say to me was a scientist I once knew. he was trying to make a point about the uncertainty principle or the observer effect or something. He could tell I wasn't getting it, so he just said,

Look, it's like saying that all dark matter is made of caterpillars.

To this day i still have no idea what that means or what it had to do with what we were talking about.

First thing I thought of reading the OP too.

My sister once angrily yelled at me when she was a teenager and I refused to turn my stereo down "I'm a poo-head!", you wouldn't think that simply transposing I'm for You're would be so funny but combining it with poo-head still makes me laugh almost fifteen years later.

This is a transcript of what happened during a D&D game.

DM: you come to a spiral staircase looking up you can see the same ethereal light the filled the room you passed through to get here and down below you see an unnatural darkness what do you do.

Me: I think we should see what's down I don't want to miss anything.

JD: No the obvious thing to do is go up down has death trap written all over it

Me: That's the point we can take it. we were sent to purge this tower and how can we if we leave death traps lying everywhere. we need to go down.

JD: UP!

Me: Down!

JD: UP!

Me: Down!

JD: UP!

Me: Down!

GT: More Energy!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qJdMjRHRLfg

A very introverted and shy friend of mine was at a social gathering, he had been drinking to loosen himself up. A group of mates were talking about the use of the word "cunt" and how it really isn't all that bad. The introverted friend hadn't met another one of the people in this discussion and decided introductions were in order during a brief lull in conversation.

He struck out his hand and said "Speaking of cunts, what's your name?"

One of the best examples of unintentional and unexpected humour I've come across.

Any time a girl answers "yes" when I ask them to come home with me.

This drunk girl I was drove home once was talking about this girl she was dancing with and she described her like this. "She smelt like subway napkins." Theres no use being DD when you can't stop laughing for your life

Years ago a good mate of mine had just moved to Australia from Scotland. The morning after we'd moved him into his new abode he rang me asking for me to come down and give assistance. In a panic, his accent was out of control. "Calm down" I said, "Whats the problem?"....... "THE MOOSE IS LOOSE IN THE HOOSE!!!!!!" he shouted. "What?" said I, "Should i bring a rifle?"........... anyway, after arriving at his place ten minutes later i found a MOUSE loose in his HOUSE. Gotta love them Scots. After a few beers at the pub later that day and the mouse had grown into moose status anyway, i think it even had antlers. Being that this crazy Scotsman ended up marrying an Irish woman, the beer fuelled shenannigans and conversations that have ensued are just legendary. And their kids? Well i'll just leave that up to your own imagination. Theyre fantastic

 Pages 1 2 NEXT

Reply to Thread

This thread is locked