whats your oposite gender friend situation?
I have no sexual attraction to my freind/s
27% (202)
27% (202)
I have some attraction but no desire to act
33.4% (250)
33.4% (250)
..I wouldnt mind..if the situation came up
25.5% (191)
25.5% (191)
I am freindzoned :'(
5.1% (38)
5.1% (38)
I have no freinds on the oposite gender
8.8% (66)
8.8% (66)
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Poll: Men and women being freinds

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I'll admit that for a vast majority of my female friends, I've had sexual attraction for them at some point, whether it's because of their looks or their personality, but I think friendships can still work.

There's only been one female friend I have that I never have nor ever will have sexual feelings for, but that's mainly because I'm about 4 years older than her. But at the same time I treat her more like a sister than as a friend, so I don't know if that'd be some sort of exception.

Really though, if you're that worried your partner will cheat on you with one of your friends (or one of their friends), you probably should rethink having a relationship at the moment.
Just my two cents.

I don't think they can work, but I'm jaded on the matter. When a girl you love cheats on you several times and then goes "I'm sorry, let's be friends! :D" and then the next girl I liked flips shit on me when I apologise for the crush and then she has Vietnam style flashbacks to being molested by her stepfather and then BLAMES ME for the molestation...so yeah, I don't think guys and girls can be friends, but like I said, personal reasons :P.

I'm in my twenties and living with my current girlfriend. My closest friends are girls. Though I have dated a few of them at some point in my early life, I have no desire to go down that road again, and I believe they feel the same.

Personally, I prefer to have friends of the female gender. Guys are great, and I have many guy friends, but I never feel as close to them.

It all depends on how you define "just friends". The interviews posted by DevilWithAHalo are fairly instructive in the differences between the genders here. A woman can spend time with a man knowing full well he wants to have sex with her, and that relationship qualifies as "just friendship" to her - but not for the man. Another man, say her boyfriend, doesn't see it that way either. He can approximate and mimic the thoughts of another man better than his girlfriend ever could, so he knows the true character of this "friendship".

Last year two of my closest friends were female. The other was a dude. That's normal for me. Would I have gone for any of them? Nope. They were all good looking people, but the bloke was married with two kids, one of the girls had two kids and the other girl I genuinely valued my friendship a lot more.

SimpleThunda':

Vault101:

SimpleThunda':
Okay, let me just tell you this:

Men and women CAN be friends, but often one of them will feel an attraction.

If one of them feels an attraction, you CAN stay friends, but that's just shameful. Don't do that if you want to maintain a feeling of selfworth, granted you know the other person isn't into you.

but then to what extent?

"an attraction" can just mean "yeah...I'd do that" and not nessicaryly "I wuf you 4 eva and eva and want to marry and live in castle protected by magical unicorns"

A neutral "I'd do that" as in, I couldn't care less if it didn't happen is borderline acceptable. Anything more than that isn't, in my book. But to each his own.

You, ser, have a worldview that I disagree with wholeheartedly. Shameful? Staying friends with people who have feelings for your is shameful?

My best friend throughout sixth form (Who would still be my friend if it were not for distance) was in love with me. Totally and utterly. He knew it, I knew it, my girlfriend knew it, we just left it at that. He would never do anything (Cause he knew I was in love, he knew my girlfriend was in love and he didn't want to fuck shit up) and I would never do anything. Feelings were not hurt.

Part of growing up is accepting that not all love is mutual, that not all attraction is mutual and that you can move on. Cutting all ties and burning all bridges just because you are facing unrequited love is insane!

It doesn't matter if you feel an attraction. It matters if you know what is appropriate. I am still attracted to some of my friends (Despite being in a loving relationship) and I know some of those people are attracted to me. Doesn't mean I will cut them out of my life.

I need to tick multiple options, it varies quite significantly depending on which friends I'm talking about.

I do find it much easier to make friends with people when I'm not attracted to them though. Being attracted to someone whilst trying to maintain friendship adds a barrier and an extra level of self censorship because there are suddenly significant topics I want to avoid around them. I find this especially when trying to stay friends with my ex girlfriend.

rhizhim:

the thing is, there always lingers some kind of attraction and tension between two friend of different genders and same sexual orientation.

I think `always` is a tad strong there.
MOST of my friends are guys. I have no feelings for them and they have no feelings for me.
It is very uncomplicated.
I have had friends who had feelings for me, both that I shared and that I didn't.
And I've had feelings for a friend who didn't share them.
But it doesn't mean that I can't be friends with someone of the opposite gender and not have any `tension`.

rhizhim:

love can be a sneaky bastard and i am sorry for the following. i know i shouldnt use it but:

tell me, how did you meet your current boyfriend and as what relation did you have before becoming "lovers"?

Oh noes, we were friends.
Flirty friends who always had something between them, not friends who were platonic with secret pining on any side.

You know, this reminds me of when a friend of mine came out at school.
I went to an all-girls school, and there was this one girl there who as soon as she heard my friend liked girls was convinced that my friend had a crush on her.
I remember saying to her `How vain can you get? Just because she likes girls doesn't automatically mean she likes YOU`.

Not all friends are attracted to each other, it's pretty simple.

EDIT: Fixed a derpy quote.

Lilani:

And you've got it, Vault :-) The "friendzone," in its simplest and least skewed form, is when two people are friends and one of them is romantically attracted to the other, but the other doesn't feel the same way.

I've also got more..."agressive" veiw on the freindzone than that XD but I know it would be wise to hold off

What I think a lot of people who come down on the "no" side of this argument are trying to say is that most friendships between men and women are simply not the same as those between two straight people of the same gender. If there is sexual tension, even one-sided, then the character of the relationship and its interactions are just different. That doesn't mean it shouldn't be or isn't sustainable, but it's obviously a lot more complex than traditional heterosexual same-sex friendships - and potentially a lot less healthy.

I also believe, very fervently, that the majority of women who say "I don't have any feelings for my many guy friends, and they don't have any feelings for me" are pathetically naive. I once challenged such a girl with a hypothetical that went as follows: if you very subtly flirted with all of your guy friends, more or less indicating that you were holding some feelings for them, how many would reciprocate in such a way as to pursue sex? I asked her to really, really think about, and to her credit, she said most of them would probably sleep with her at the drop of a hat.

Finally, I think this forum is very atypical in terms of demographics with respect to this issue. It's a very liberal group, a very progressive group, and a very nerdy group. Lots of girls with mostly guy friends, who will obviously answer yes to this question even if they know, deep down, that a ton of their "just friends" would bone them. And even here, where you'd probably expect to find, on average, a different sort of man than would represent the general population, a bunch are saying they either have banged most of their female friends or gladly would.

As someone else already pointed out, it boils down mostly to semantics.

Vault101:
I've also got more..."agressive" veiw on the freindzone than that XD but I know it would be wise to hold off

I agree with everything you said, and I think it goes a long way to explain where the misunderstanding that the friend zone comes from. I know a lot of insecure guys, just because a lot of my friends are nerds and nerdy guys tend to be more on the insecure side of the spectrum when it comes to romance. And people who are insecure tend to be ultra sensitive to attention from people they even think they might like. So if a girl is being "nice" to them, they can mistake that for flirting. And in turn, they think that being "nice" is the way to flirt back. In reality they are just being kind people, but in the guy's head he is flirting and--for all intents and purposes--she seems to like him back. So if he confesses rejection comes, he is absolutely dumbfounded, and the conclusion he draws is that it was all a lie and she was just manipulating him for shiggles.

The majority of my female friends happen to be attractive, and I recognize that fact, but we're perfectly capable of being just friends.

And if I did try to become anything more with one of them, and they turned me down, then that's that. No hard feelings, just friends.

I am indeed attracted to most of my female friends. Most of my female friends are also attracted to me (They've told me, so i'm not projecting here. There's not a chance of anything happening between us as one of them is an ex-girlfriend and the other is in a long-term committed relationship). I still consider them friends though and it hasn't interfered with our friendship at all.

DevilWithaHalo:

Katatori-kun:
Some beardy twat in the university library fooling dumb undergrads with misleading questions doesn't really make the case.

Indeed, he truly mislead them with questions like; "do you believe men and women can be just friends?" and; "do you think he likes you?" He surely manipulated these foolish undergrads into admitting their friendships may be based on not purely platonic reasons with his trick questions and sneaky underhanded tactics! And of course...

He did. He kept slipping in "Is he attracted to you?"/"Are you attracted to her?" as though that had anything whatsoever to do with whether or not they were friends. The two are entirely separate concepts. Let's face it, the smug bastard just likes being on camera. He's got no interest in uncovering any truths.

Vault101:
what the hell IS the freindzone anyway?

This is a serious question, right? If so, the "Friendzone" is the term applied to a situation in which one person is romantically interested in another, but that person sees them as just a friend.

The way I understand it, the idea is that once a person thinks of you as a friend, they don't see you as a potential partner. Part of the rationale behind this is an unwillingness to jeopardize the friendship. While I think there is some merit to this in some instances (particularly when dealing with young adults), I think typically something different is occurring.

Namely... They're just not interested in you. You can be "friends" with someone you don't find attractive for whatever reason, but you don't want to be with someone like that. So you become "friends."

In the case, it's not that they don't want to be romantically involved because you've been "friendzoned." It's because they just aren't into you. Simple as that.

...if your question wasn't serious, I guess maybe this will answer the question for anyone else wondering.

OT:

Being married for 5 years now, I've had friends that were women, with no problems. Yeah, there was some attraction there; they were very attractive people who I got along with (they were friends after all). It's perfectly normal to be attracted to that. However, there was never any tension because I had prior commitments, and so did they. Sex was never a possibility, so it was never an issue. Had we been single, it might have been a different story. Don't know.

A Weakgeek:
I find it really hard to believe that two people of the opposite gender who are close have zero sexual attraction between them.

Well, prepare to have your world shattered, because I have female friends where our friendship is exactly this way. In one case I can think of off the top of my head, it's perplexing because just doing the math on how she looks and her personality I should be totally attracted to her, but for whatever reason I'm not.

Not that if I was attracted to her it would invalidate our friendship, but there you go.

Puh...

My best female friend (and one of my best friends per se) I have no attraction to.

The closest female friend I have... Well I wouldn't say no, she is sexy as hell and just has so many charactertraits she shares with me but I won't make a move. Even if she would be single and would want me to. Because, even though we only know each other for 2 years (at St. Patricks Day exactly 2 years) she grew to be one of the closest friends I have that I don't want to lose. And knowing how successfull my relationships have been... I'd rather take a trip with a ship named "Titanic - this time we won't sink" than risk this.

Overall: If I consider a woman my close friend I either find her attractive but won't make a move or have no attraction. Except when it is... her *sigh*. No, I'm not in the friendzone there. I don't buy 'friendzone'. We just haven't met more than 3 times...

As a male who studies something, that is vastly visited by females: Yes, I have many friends of the opposit gender, and no, I don't mind it whatsoever that they are female.

Also my last GF was my bestest friend ever, before we came together, so yeah

Also I would say that it is BS to say that friendship between oposite genders can't exist.

All of my guy friends are the current boyfriends of my girl friends....and I can honestly say I wouldn't do anything with any of them. Relationship rules aside, I'm not attracted in that way to any of them. Even when I first met them as single people.

They're funny as hell though.

Katatori-kun:

A Weakgeek:
I find it really hard to believe that two people of the opposite gender who are close have zero sexual attraction between them.

Well, prepare to have your world shattered, because I have female friends where our friendship is exactly this way. In one case I can think of off the top of my head, it's perplexing because just doing the math on how she looks and her personality I should be totally attracted to her, but for whatever reason I'm not.

Not that if I was attracted to her it would invalidate our friendship, but there you go.

"Shattering my world" sounds quite dramatic, but I'm trying to be openminded in general, so mayhaps you're correct.

Well, the reasoning there is a little... Questionable.

If sexual attraction alone ruins the possibility of being friends with someone, then things become very tricky.

For instance, anyone that's gay can't have friends by that logic.

And if you're bisexual you're really done for. (Who exactly is left for you to be friends with if you potentially find everyone attractive?)

Although having said that, Being attracted to a group as a whole doesn't mean you're attracted to everyone you meet.
I'm bisexual, but I don't find that many people all that attractive.

Anyway, the reasoning that men and women can't be friends because of sex becomes a big old mess if you aren't using an entirely heteronormative perspective on the matter.
The rest of us (apparent minorities that we may well be) have to find different ways to deal with the problem.
Otherwise some of us would not be capable of having friends at all.

I have & have had plenty of lady friends that were just friends, I've had a couple that were more than that & one that I'm still very confused as too exactly where we stand in the relationship. To answer your question though, yes people of opposite sexes can be friends & nothing more, it's very simple to do. My whole problem with this is most of the ladies I am just friends with will actively avoid me if they have a significant other, I guess I'm just so damn charming that they think it's better to avoid me than risk being unfaithful... or some bullshit like that.

Its hard because if my friends were attractive girls then I not be able to help wanting to have a relationship with them. We get along well and I find them attractive that is a formula for a possible relationship in my book.

I don't really have any attractive friends who are girls though :( %80 of my friends are guys.

You're all so lucky that most of you (according to the poll) don't get friend-zoned the moment you have feelings for anyone -.-

I have plenty of female friends. Admittedly I'd sleep with most of them at the drop of a hat. I tend not to pursue it because it can make things awkward but I have very little willpower when opportunities are presented. SO where Cracked adds "for now" onto we're just friends, I add "but I would".

Katatori-kun:
He did. He kept slipping in "Is he attracted to you?"/"Are you attracted to her?" as though that had anything whatsoever to do with whether or not they were friends. The two are entirely separate concepts. Let's face it, the smug bastard just likes being on camera. He's got no interest in uncovering any truths.

Slipping in? It makes it sound dirty. ;)

Asking if someone is attracted to another prior to 'would you slip it in given the chance' would seem like a natural first step from 'are you just friends'. But that's just me.

I mean, the entire point was to ascertain the level of physical/sexual attraction between the genders determining if their was something other than platonic kinship between them.

But sure... that guys a sneaky bastard. Editing those responses to show that women maintained friendships with men they knew had more feelings for them than they reciprocated; he's obviously the bad guy!

Vault101:

DevilWithaHalo:
[snip.

my point is I hardly find one video where a guy runs around a campus asking questions "proof" and I'm not saying the guy who made the video DID skew things to a certain veiwpoint, I'm saying he very easyly could have...if somthing is to be taken as reliable proof then such variables should be considerd

studies or not I find the very Idea that men and women cant be freinds at all...baffling really

He very well could have; after all, it seems more comedic than anything else, so perhaps his motivations were purely comedic in nature. But I find people's responses to it more interesting that I do the actual content of the video in question. Perhaps we should chalk it up to confirmation bias eh?

I wouldn't argue against being skeptical about someone's research, especially if they have a vested interest in it's outcome. But while we accept that, so too must we accept the possibility of its legitimacy. So we continue to research the subject, and if continued findings tend to trend toward a certain outcome... well... what would you think?

Vault101:

perhaps the existance of this thread and those like it (of which there are many) is probably evidence that there is a certain level of confusion regarding friendships with the opposite sex and our social and individual perceptions to the concept

what the hell does that even mean? if we are freinds with the oposite gender its actually....not true? or somthing?

Take the second video as an example that the genders see the friendships between the sexes differently than the opposing gender. The two blonde females as a prime example; why did they think it was OK for them to see male friends on a one on one basis but didn't think it was OK for their boyfriends to spend time with female friends on a one on one basis? Why did several of the females in the first video admit to maintaining a friendship with men they knew had more interest in them?

Some people have already provided some links to psychological studies surrounding these kinds of questions, but I imagine sharing more and going into it would result in similar responses regarding people's individual triumphs over the status-quo; whether or not they even realize they may be guilty of perpetuating the generalizations.

Perhaps you would be willing to perform some personal experimentation with the idea. Offer yourself sexually to your male friends and see which ones accept the offer; then you could determine whether or not the change in behavior is merely an evolutionary step in your relationship developments with these individuals or they were merely hoping for the chance to bone you while waiting in the "Friend Zone". There may be other ideas to; they feel that a sexual connection would strengthen the friendship or they want to better the friendship by releasing pent up sexual tension between you to. I certainly don't know what the outcome or findings of your research will be, but I'm curious to read it when you gather your conclusions.

It really isn't possible unless both of them are unattractive to the other. You can still be friends, I have a few, but any attraction that exists will always cause problems, and pain, for both sides.

DevilWithaHalo:
I mean, the entire point was to ascertain the level of physical/sexual attraction between the genders determining if their was something other than platonic kinship between them.

But that's the thing- he doesn't determine that. He assumes that. His assumption, like so many of the people who bleat unthinkingly that men and women can't be friends, is that the moment someone gets a tingly feeling downstairs that their who friendship is proven to be false.

And it's going to take a lot more than a heavily-edited interview with a bunch of gullible undergrads to prove that's the case.

spartan231490:
It really isn't possible unless both of them are unattractive to the other. You can still be friends, I have a few, but any attraction that exists will always cause problems, and pain, for both sides.

Sorry, but you're wrong. We've had loads of people on this thread testify otherwise. Perhaps you can't maintain friendships with people attractive to you, but a lot of us handle it just fine.

I have a lot of female friends, one of them is just an amazing friend in every way. She is one of the few friends I trust and seems to genuinely care about me. She once called me because to make sure I wasn't dead when I had been gone for one day. She makes me feel confident in myself and she believes in me more than I do. She is one of my best friends ever. Now as for sexual attraction screwing things up? Nope, she is good looking, but I don't think of her in a sexual way.

The same goes for most of my female friends. Some of them are good looking, some are plain, I am not attracted to either of them right now, but I used to be attracted to one of them, but that's in the past.

I have....two female friends. One of which I work with, the other is my friends girlfriend. I find it hard to associate or get on with most women when not under the influence of alcohol. They can't seem to stand me either so its all good so I guess in my case I'd have to say that i can't be friends with women but I know people with a few female friends so I must just be a one off.

Anyone who says yes they have opposite gender friends could just be covering their romantic inclinations. Personally, at least, I find it exceedingly easy to be friends with women when:
A. I'm not attracted to them (sorry)
B. They're already in a committed relationship

Phasmal:

rhizhim:

the thing is, there always lingers some kind of attraction and tension between two friend of different genders and same sexual orientation.

I think `always` is a tad strong there.
MOST of my friends are guys. I have no feelings for them and they have no feelings for me.
It is very uncomplicated.
I have had friends who had feelings for me, both that I shared and that I didn't.
And I've had feelings for a friend who didn't share them.
But it doesn't mean that I can't be friends with someone of the opposite gender and not have any `tension`.

rhizhim:

love can be a sneaky bastard and i am sorry for the following. i know i shouldnt use it but:

tell me, how did you meet your current boyfriend and as what relation did you have before becoming "lovers"?

Oh noes, we were friends.
Flirty friends who always had something between them, not friends who were platonic with secret pining on any side.

You know, this reminds me of when a friend of mine came out at school.
I went to an all-girls school, and there was this one girl there who as soon as she heard my friend liked girls was convinced that my friend had a crush on her.
I remember saying to her `How vain can you get? Just because she likes girls doesn't automatically mean she likes YOU`.

Not all friends are attracted to each other, it's pretty simple.

EDIT: Fixed a derpy quote.

ok, always is indeed a bit strong in my statement.

but my point is that a real platonic friendship is hard to get and maintain.

interests between friends are in a constant "movement" and its easy to feel more or less for someone you consider a friend.

and again, "love" is a sneaky bastard that sometimes hit you when you least expect it or want.

yes, you could just suppress the feelings that might rise to keep the friendship, risking to get frustrated.
but nonetheless these feelings can arise i.e. be there or even be the driving force to push people to wanting to know you.

its hard to spot since a good friend of you would not easily just admit it since the risk of you feeling betrayed can destroy a friendship(stakes are too high).

and just knowing that he feels that way for you might make you then interpret any kind of behavior (even the ones that you were used to before you knew or he had these particular feelings at all) as a hit on/flirt with you.

and even when they overcome the "more" they might have felt for you, they will never admit or tell you about it.
it also can destroy any effort and pain they made and endured to keep the friendship alive.

plus i can say that all guys i talked to said that most of their friendships with girls started with at least a bit of attraction to the girl.

these feelings then either ended with the more they got to know the girl and realise that she was a good friend but no good partner or that these girls werent interested in the slightest in them as a partner or even thought they were gay.

i barely heard (and could even say never heard) some people become friends out of just wanting to be just platonic friends and nothing else.

well, some became friends to be in a kind of synthesis, helping each other out and others even became "friends" to secrety leech out of one and another like a parasite. but thats another story.

also your story sound more like some sort of altered NICE GIRL ™ situation.


but that is also another story...

Honestly, I tend to like women more than men. I have friends of both genders, and I'm comfortable admitting some of the women are attractive, but I'm happily married and their being pleasant and good looking doesn't mean I'm looking for anything else.

I have a couple of female friends who I would say no to even if the opportunity did arise. They're not unattractive, it would just be odd.

Not that it matters, but why is it the cool thing now to start sourcing cracked articles and either agreeing and asking thoughts or using it as a source to start a conversation that a cracked article doesnt need to be sourced.

anyay, I have friends who are girls. I dont look at them sexually though to be fair two or three we somewhat dated abit and went to a sexual level. but othrs i dont mind. some date my other best friends and some re single. its not hard if you have self control.

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