I think I'm about to be dumped.

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mysecondlife:

W/e I give up. I've skimmed through this thread and you haven't offered anything to help the OP yourself.

Consider yourself ignored.

Wow.

Alrighty, then, here's my advice. Do what Calibanbutcher said.

To make it easier:
Approach her upfront and talk to her:
"[ Insert "this is how I feel about you ]",
"[ This is how I view our relationship ] ",
"[This is what I think about a future with you ]"
"Do you want to break up?"

No excuses, no BS, just be direct and for fuck's sake, be honest.

I find this to be much easier than waiting for her to make up her mind.

Advice ain't going to get much better than that.

Now, for the sake of not turning this into another sexism thread, I'mma scoot out of here and just find comfort in the fact that the "hurr durr, all women are lying, cheating, sneaky bitches" crowd are in the minority.

If she's 22, it's kind of a thing, you've been dating since she was legal, you're probably her first and only stable relationship, and at that age kids want adventure or excitement.

For better or worse, she won't really be comfortable until she drifts around sexually making one f*ckup after another. Stability isn't something people tend to value in relationships until they get close to their 30's.

Squilookle:
SNIP

Calibanbutcher:

To make it easier:
Approach her upfront and talk to her:
"[ Insert "this is how I feel about you ]",
"[ This is how I view our relationship ] ",
"[This is what I think about a future with you ]"
"Do you want to break up?"

I did this not 2 weeks ago and the result was good, we talked openly about the issue and took great lengths to solve it and now we are doing pretty good and shes confident she wants to stay, this was after saying all the things you said your girlfriend said Mr OP. It works. I used it. It works. Do it.

Squilookle:
Snip

Calibanbutcher:

To make it easier:
Approach her upfront and talk to her:
"[ Insert "this is how I feel about you ]",
"[ This is how I view our relationship ] ",
"[This is what I think about a future with you ]"
"Do you want to break up?"

No excuses, no BS, just be direct and for fuck's sake, be honest.

I find this to be much easier than waiting for her to make up her mind.

This guy's got it right. It might not be the exact way you want to go about it, depending on what both her and your personalities are like, but one way or another it's what needs to happen. Be calm about it, tell her how you feel, ask her what's going on, see if she can tell you why she's started feeling that way. Be specific and push a little to get straight answers. I don't know about your girl, but God knows that many women won't give straight answers without a bit of a fight, and sometimes that's what needs to happen.

I know that feeling you have man. My girlfriend has had those same feelings a few times in our relationship, but after talking to her I've found there's almost always a solid reason behind it, even if I had to pry to get that reason out. She's three years older than me, and we've managed to get through two stages in life where one of us was at College while the other wasn't. In all the cases some extended separation is what caused the issue. Once it was because a friend of hers was being a bitch and was, we found out later, extremely jealous of her for some reason. Her friend kept telling her that long distance relationships never last and she'd be better off dumping me or cheating on me and so on. That took a long time for her to really get over, and in the immediate few days we had a lot of talks about where our relationship was going, what we were doing, and what we saw in each other.

The second time we had switched places - I was at college and she was at her job - and she had this suspicion that I was cheating on her. That's not something I would ever do, but I'm more of a partier (party-er?) than she is and she was worried that I would get drunk and make mistakes. On my end, I'm not the kind of drunk who does that, so it was never anything she had to worry about, but I had to make a compromise and cut back on the partying for her. This occasion also required a lot of talking and a lot of convincing her that I would never cheat on her or anyone else.

The third time was more similar to what you're saying. She thought we were drifting apart, that we were falling out of love as it were, and that it might be better to just break up. This one ended up becoming a rather huge fight on our part, and it took a few weeks to get back to normal, but it's what needed to happen. She thought I was blowing her off, I thought she was being a bitch about a lot of things, and it was a time where we just couldn't communicate well. It took taking an extended trip down to see her to really get over things, and even then there was some tension.

In every case the end result was that we needed to talk more, about how we were feeling about the relationship, about what was going on in our lives, if you were doing anything wrong in her eyes, if she was doing anything wrong in your eyes, and everything else under the sun. It's likely that you'll need to do some of the same, so just man up and talk to her about it. Be direct, be sure of yourself, and don't be afraid to say "hey, if you do want to break up, let's try to work it out first before we do anything." Let her know you care about her, and don't be afraid to try something new. Go on a vacation with her, take her out to dinner more often, and so on and so forth.

That said though, you have to know when to let her go. If she decides, after talking to her about everything and really going over your relationship, that she doesn't want to be with you then there's nothing you can do, and frankly if she decides that then it's best to let her go. Trust me when I say you don't want to be in a relationship with a woman who doesn't love you anyway. It'll hurt for a long while, but you'll come out of it stronger and you'll find other women who you love, and in the end you'll be left with a bunch of happy memories and life experiences that will only help you as time goes on.

You'll be fine mate. Hang in there, talk to her, and figure out together whether your relationship is working from both sides or not.

PS: Hopefully I'm not too late on this one.

Then there's only one thing to do, get in first and put yourself in the power seat!

Just kidding.

But no, I've never had that feeling.

Squilookle:
snip

Calibanbutcher:
Approach her upfront and talk to her:
"[ Insert "this is how I feel about you ]",
"[ This is how I view our relationship ] ",
"[This is what I think about a future with you ]"
"Do you want to break up?"

No excuses, no BS, just be direct and for fuck's sake, be honest.

I find this to be much easier than waiting for her to make up her mind.

I agree with this. Another poster pointed out that this might force her to make the decision quickly and that might be bad. And, while I agree with that poster's analysis, I also agree that quick may equal better in the long run.

So I'll once again echo Calibanbutcher's advice (others have already done so). It's good advice.

Know my thoughts go out to you (and to her, to a lesser degree). I hope this isn't a case of Graduation Itch but I fear it might be (as someone else suggested).

I will also ask one thing of you - please update us on the situation. I know I'd like to hear how this turns out.

Calibanbutcher hit the nail on the head, that being said being in love doesn't last forever though, so people should prepare for it to stop at some point:
http://lwelch.hubpages.com/hub/Why-does-love-fade-over-time

When we first fall in love our bodies release chemicals such as PEA (phenylethylalamine). The effects of this chemical last between 6 months - 5 years. This chemical can supplant genuine affection and cooperation, but, once the body has become accustomed to it, the relationship will die if strong bonds have not not been forged.

However the fact she loves you means that there is still hope for the both of you, so best wishes to you.

Squilookle:
After nearly four years of what I thought was a loving, caring and genuinely happy relationship, my girlfriend said 3 days ago that she loves me, but she doesn't know if she's in love with me.

Wow.

She tells me, somewhat out of the blue, that lately she's been feeling like she's drifing away from me, that our relationship seems based on convenience, and that it isn't going anywhere.

The thing is though, that as far as relationships go, we've had it pretty good: we see each other often, get on well with each others' families, we're openly affectionate with each other (in public, after nearly 4 years!!), have sex frequently, and hardly ever fight. And when we do fight, we listen to and respect each other's point of view.

She tells me she's had phases of doubt in the past that have dissapated, but this one is more solid.

A few weeks ago she was chatting casually to her boss about us, when he abruptly told her it wouldn't last. She's also been catching up with a friend of hers more recently, and he's just come out of a long, stable relationship. I'm worried that she's hearing so many tales of woe about other's relationships that she thinks the same must apply to us, and I'm scared. I'm really, really scared.

I asked her if I had (or hadn't) done anything to make her feel this way and she said no. I told her to think about it, and now I'm going over to her place tomorrow, and I just can't shake this feeling of impending doom.

TL:DR Has anyone, especially guys, had this sense of 'about to break up' doom too? And is there any way to prepare for it or make it easier?

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieve it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Squilookle:
After nearly four years of what I thought was a loving, caring and genuinely happy relationship, my girlfriend said 3 days ago that she loves me, but she doesn't know if she's in love with me.

I don't actually understand the distinction here between the two things

Squilookle:
is there any way to prepare for it or make it easier?

Yeah, realise that it's over now and that if she's having doubts about your relationship then it's already fucked. By saying she's not sure if she's in love with you she means that she doesn't want to be together any more but can't really bring herself to finish things. She still likes you, loves you even, but your relationship is definitively over, any hope you're holding onto will just make everything worse.

This is one shitty thing to happen. What you need to concentrate on is the fact that you have done nothing wrong. As far as you are concerned, you have done nothing to hurt her or make her re-evaluate her relationship. If it was a case of you cheating then the situation would be different.
Its a horrible feeling, but know this, you may be hurt now, and it may take alot of time, but you will be fine in the long run. If the relationship does end, then you will learn through time to live without her. But as others have said, you will have to accept her decision. It may not be the right decision for you but as far as she is concerned in her mind it is the right decision for her. And as harsh as this may sound in a year or 2 maybe even 3, you will fall in love with someone who you deserve, someone who will see you as the most important person in the world to them and you may feel the same for them...

All you can do right now is wait, wait and see what her decision is, wait and see where it lead. You never know it may put you on a pathway to gaining something better.
I know what this is like from experience, deep down you know whats going to happen, always trust your gut instincts"

Ha now if i could take my own advice maybe I would be in a better situation. This happened to me 7 years ago i knew my bf was going to end it. He did. And i tried to get past it and get over it, and i did mostly until after staying friends made it difficult, we recently got back togther after 7 years. now we have been together for 8 months and i love him with every inch of my being. But as recent events have shown me it may not have been the best decison to get back together. At the moment there is a very good chance that he has just created an online dating profile, I literally just found out yesterday as a friend was on that particular website and informed me or it. Now i wouldnt care if it hads been an old profile but according to the profile picture it may be pretty recent. So yeah not a similar situation but definately one where i have a similar gut instinct telling me somethings now right.

Sorry for hijacking your problem page to vent about my own. I hope things work out for you and if it all goes pear shaped, then it will get better and who knows you could end up with something much more awesome in the long run.

Baneat:

Squilookle:
After nearly four years of what I thought was a loving, caring and genuinely happy relationship, my girlfriend said 3 days ago that she loves me, but she doesn't know if she's in love with me.

I don't actually understand the distinction here between the two things

Let me put it this way, a father loves his daughter, but is in love with his wife. Or alternatively, a son loves his mother, but is in love with his wife.

Squilookle:

Not quite- I'm 27, she's 22. She's just graduated from Uni and is taking a year off study, as her thesis writing was very stressful for her last year, as she had a horrible supervisor.

Do you think her graduating might have something to do with it? She's considering returning to uni next year for a Dip Ed.

It has FAR more to do with her age than her uni status. To be honest, she's a kid. You've got enough age on her to be ready to settle into a stable relationship but she may not be ready for something as serious as this relationship has turned into.

S'why I've always tried to date older women (26-28) to be honest. Whenever I've been with younger women, they've powerbombed my face into the ground repeatedly. Not a good look.

I know that probably doesn't make you feel any better, but I agree with the guyzos on here...just talk to her. Seriously, be straightforward and just communicate.

Squilookle:
**snip**

So... update?

Did you talk with her? If so, what happened? If not... sorry, I don't have anything for if not.

Squilookle:
After nearly four years of what I thought was a loving, caring and genuinely happy relationship, my girlfriend said 3 days ago that she loves me, but she doesn't know if she's in love with me.

Wow.

She tells me, somewhat out of the blue, that lately she's been feeling like she's drifing away from me, that our relationship seems based on convenience, and that it isn't going anywhere.

The thing is though, that as far as relationships go, we've had it pretty good: we see each other often, get on well with each others' families, we're openly affectionate with each other (in public, after nearly 4 years!!), have sex frequently, and hardly ever fight. And when we do fight, we listen to and respect each other's point of view.

She tells me she's had phases of doubt in the past that have dissapated, but this one is more solid.

A few weeks ago she was chatting casually to her boss about us, when he abruptly told her it wouldn't last. She's also been catching up with a friend of hers more recently, and he's just come out of a long, stable relationship. I'm worried that she's hearing so many tales of woe about other's relationships that she thinks the same must apply to us, and I'm scared. I'm really, really scared.

I asked her if I had (or hadn't) done anything to make her feel this way and she said no. I told her to think about it, and now I'm going over to her place tomorrow, and I just can't shake this feeling of impending doom.

TL:DR Has anyone, especially guys, had this sense of 'about to break up' doom too? And is there any way to prepare for it or make it easier?

If she's going to dump you, it's already made upin her mind and NOTHING you do or say will stop it. When it comes, don't beg, plead, or try to reason with her that she should stay. Drop her like a bad habit. Block her from FB, delete her from your phone, erase her form your email. Move on. Get out and find some new chicks to hit on; go drink with your buddies. DO shit you couldnt do because she was taking up your time.

If you want her back later, wait about a month or so, then text her and ask her how she's doing in a non-aggressive, casual sort of way. If you play your cards right, and you dont talk to her or see her for that whole time period, she may just fall back into your arm.

I got the same it's-not-you-it's-me routine from my girlfriend of 2 years. At first you have a dismal step by step realization process (I'm not with her anymore > what did I do wrong > I've wasted all those years > there's no going back > now I have to tell my whole friends 'n family > etc). But you'll move on. It's no worth being with someone who isn't in love with you, it's that simple. You feel your emotions betrayed, and the helplesness of not being able to do anything about it. And then you move on.

I've had 2 relationships in my adult life. That is, not counting teen years because that shit isn't serious. One relationship ended because we couldn't cope with the distance. It was a mutual break-up, and we parted on good terms. She's married and even got a kid now. My second girlfriend died, which I think damaged me a bit. Parting on good or bad terms is one thing; you've got a sense of conclusion either way, even if it leaves a bad taste in your mouth. But when someone you love just disappears, without any real warning, being on awesome terms... I just felt so empty. Maybe I still do, because I've had absolutely zero interest in any kind of relationship during these 3 years since.

I'd have preferred being dumped.

Dave In A Cape:
In my experience women just try to use excuses like these to soften the blow of the fact that there is probably someone else. (not all women are like this, but from my experiences this is pretty much the exact reason)

I hate woman as much as the escapist, but isn't the reason someone stopped loving his/her partner not enough to stop being in a relationship? It's kinda simple.

Anoni Mus:

Dave In A Cape:
In my experience women just try to use excuses like these to soften the blow of the fact that there is probably someone else. (not all women are like this, but from my experiences this is pretty much the exact reason)

I hate woman as much as the escapist, but isn't the reason someone stopped loving his/her partner not enough to stop being in a relationship? It's kinda simple.

What I meant by this is that in my experience, it's not that they've stopped loving you, more that there is someone else and instead of being honest and saying "I found someone more attractive than you" they say things like "I've fallen out of love" or "this wasn't working" and so on.
It's a lot easier to hear that someone just started to loose feelings for someone rather than "Hey, I've been planning on banging another guy for a while now so...see ya"

Anoni Mus:
I hate woman as much as the escapist, but isn't the reason someone stopped loving his/her partner not enough to stop being in a relationship? It's kinda simple.

**blink blink**

Um, what?

Was that supposed to be sarcasm? Or... I'm not even sure.

IF that was a failed attempt at humor then I understand. It can be hard to land that sort of humor.

If not... then it's something else.

Quickly, fake your own death.

Then you'll never technically have to *end* the relationship. (Probably...)

Now, I've never even HAD a relationship-If I can say one thing from the experiences I've had watching and counseling my friends who have had troubles, it is this: First, go and discuss with an open mind- ill omens are ill for a reason, but they are not a death certificate.

Second, the peoplke who have advocated total removal of her from your life should thw worst happen are absolutely correct. I watched one of my best friends ruin a couple years of his life because he still talked to a woman who clearly wasn't right for him and didn't respect him or his affection despite a damnable number of words to the contrary. If it's over, it's over- from that point on you can afford to give her precisely zero percent of the considerration you would have given at one time. She needs to be demoted from "Girlfriend" to "Standard Social Courtesy" status as soon as you can make it happen.

Bara_no_Hime:

Anoni Mus:
I hate woman as much as the escapist, but isn't the reason someone stopped loving his/her partner not enough to stop being in a relationship? It's kinda simple.

**blink blink**

Um, what?

Was that supposed to be sarcasm? Or... I'm not even sure.

IF that was a failed attempt at humor then I understand. It can be hard to land that sort of humor.

If not... then it's something else.

lol, I just wanted attention, been a long time I got quotes, ahahah. You fell for it.

Most things I'd say have been said, but I thought I'd just put in this (from the perspective of my 40th birthday today). In my opinion, once a relationship's been going more than three or four years, if you're not both absolutely positive you want to spend the rest of your lives together, it's time to break up - *even if you're fine together*. Fine just doesn't cut it. Don't chug along in a kind-of-okay relationship, then end up marrying because you feel like you ought to, or worse, have kids - that way lies unhappiness and/or divorce. I know several people who went down this path and it rarely ends well. Some of them divorced within a year of marrying, often after several years together beforehand.

Life is short and youth is shorter. Don't be scared, part amicably and start looking for someone else. Certainly from my experience (without wanting to sound like a smug married) when it's right, you know within a few months.

Anoni Mus:
lol, I just wanted attention, been a long time I got quotes, ahahah. You fell for it.

Here, have another quote man.

OT: Would appreciate an update OP.

OP can't leave us hanging like this. Perhaps this is the greatest troll job of all time.

Buddy, I'm going to say the most difficult thing you will hear on this subject, and the thing that you want to hear the least:

Tough luck, but there's no good advice to be found that will make her come to a decision quicker or decide to stay with you.

I don't mean to be curt, I don't mean that you don't need support, or that his doesn't hurt because it does. But that's the way the shit rolls down the hill. My advice: don't pressure, don't push it. If this is just a moment of doubt, than it will pass. If it isn't (Which, to my experience it probably isn't) and you push you will either expediate it and end on bad terms, or you will force her to stay with you when she doesn't want to. If you love her, you don't want that.

The thing is, it dounds like you're about college age, and in that time you and her are going through a lot of changes and she maybe questioning whether or not you belong in those changes. And that sucks. But your job right now is to give her the amount of space she needs, but not to abandon her because you're afraid of being hurt. The only thing you can do right now is Buck Up and wait, and I'm sorry, that's all you can do. Best of luck.

Good luck bro, I was in a four year relationship myself that ended during the summer after freshmen year of college. It devastated me to the point I had to drop out of school for a year. Now though im in nyc and feel better than ever. So if it does happen, I know it can be incredibly traumatic but it can pass still. Took me two years though haha Id probably entertain getting together again. GLGLGLLGL

Squilookle:
After nearly four years of what I thought was a loving, caring and genuinely happy relationship, my girlfriend said 3 days ago that she loves me, but she doesn't know if she's in love with me.

Wow.

She tells me, somewhat out of the blue, that lately she's been feeling like she's drifing away from me, that our relationship seems based on convenience, and that it isn't going anywhere.

The thing is though, that as far as relationships go, we've had it pretty good: we see each other often, get on well with each others' families, we're openly affectionate with each other (in public, after nearly 4 years!!), have sex frequently, and hardly ever fight. And when we do fight, we listen to and respect each other's point of view.

She tells me she's had phases of doubt in the past that have dissapated, but this one is more solid.

A few weeks ago she was chatting casually to her boss about us, when he abruptly told her it wouldn't last. She's also been catching up with a friend of hers more recently, and he's just come out of a long, stable relationship. I'm worried that she's hearing so many tales of woe about other's relationships that she thinks the same must apply to us, and I'm scared. I'm really, really scared.

I asked her if I had (or hadn't) done anything to make her feel this way and she said no. I told her to think about it, and now I'm going over to her place tomorrow, and I just can't shake this feeling of impending doom.

TL:DR Has anyone, especially guys, had this sense of 'about to break up' doom too? And is there any way to prepare for it or make it easier?

2years ago in July, worse day in my life. The few days before hand I had a similar feeling too. As others ha e said best of luck to you, assuming it hasn't already happened. If it does end find things you love to do but haven't had time. Best you can do is keep yourself distracted, I suggest comedy movies to keep the spirit up.

Dave In A Cape:

Unfortunately I was pretty much in this exact situation as recently as last week.

Yes it does seem like this is going to end, and I honestly can't express just how sorry I am for you because I'm currently going through the pain of a breakup and there is no doubt that this is going to hurt like hell.
There is nothing you can really do to make it easier on yourself, you love someone and have loved them for a long time and when they walk out your life you are going to feel like there is a big part of you missing.

As for her maybe being influenced by other peoples relationship woes, I think if she uses this as a reason why she wants to leave, don't believe her. If she really felt that way she wouldn't be in any relationship ever. In my experience women just try to use excuses like these to soften the blow of the fact that there is probably someone else. (not all women are like this, but from my experiences this is pretty much the exact reason)

All I can say to you is that you are certainly not alone in this and if things do end up ending and you need a chat, you can always talk to me since I know exactly what you'll be going through.

Best of luck.

Sorry to hear mate, I also know the feeling unfortuently. Some suggestions stated above, also if you need someone to chat to feel free to ask. Or if you want a game too.

saoirse13:
*snip*

I know what you mean, I wish I took my own advice as well but emotions are evil things that override logic, for better and worse. That situation sucks, my first gf cheated on me as well and its far worse than breaking up. Just don't make the same mistake again, listen to ur own advice, if he's cheating on you then its over (sorry to be blunt but from experience that's what's sometimes needed) . Best of luck, and as I said to the 2 above if you want someone to talk to or play some games, feel free to ask :-)

I was in a steady relationship from about 19 to 22, and also ended it around then because I thought there was more to life than stability.
I think she wants to explore, and if her mind is set, you really cant convince someone otherwise.

From what it sounds like from your description, it sounds as if she's had the 'perfect' relationship and now other people are telling her that that kind of niceness can't last and so she should get out.

Unfortunately a lot of girls take other people's advice more so than their own thoughts.
If you find that she does break up with you - I would bet any serious money that she goes for someone who is the opposite of you (and from what that sounds like it would be someone who doesn't treat her as nice)

I know you must love her and all that, but if that's how she feels then you should let her go and figure some things out for herself.

If she decides down the line that you are better for her then she will come back, and if she doesn't... then you sound like a good guy who takes care of his girl.

I'm sure plenty of other girls have noticed that.

*Captcha - That's Hot. Relevant

People break up all the time. It sucks, but it happens. You don't really have much control over how she feels. Sorry, but if and when it happens, you won't have much choice other than to get over it.

Squilookle:
TL:DR Has anyone, especially guys, had this sense of 'about to break up' doom too? And is there any way to prepare for it or make it easier?

Get clingy now, you'll regret it. Call it a pause and take a break from each other at this high point, and then, even if you never get together again, you'll remember all the good times you've had so far.

kypsilon:
YOU CAN FIX THIS.

Horrible advice, dude.

There is nothing the OP "can do" or "should do" to try and fix this. It's entirely out of his hands. If you keep telling him this, he'll only fell like he failed if shit hits the fan.

OP: confront her. Tell her what you told us. You need to get this off your chest or it'll eat you up. It's really the only move you have - force her hand. If she's hesitant, she'll likely break up with you. After four years she'll not want to do it quickly.
You can either hang around, feel like crap, hope for the best and have a hard time trusting in your relationship for years.
Or you break it up, be the active part.
Your decision.

The way I see, you probably got together when she was either in or fresh out of High School. New in college. Women, no, PEOPLE do CRAZY things when they're new in college. Seen it a bunch of times. Being on your own for the first time, tasting freedom. Now that she's graduated, she might be growing up. And re-evaluating your relationship. Maybe it's the first time she's been *really* thinking about the two of you long-term.

Women can be weird that way.
They'll stick with a loser alcoholic wife-beater for life. Gives them a perspective - he could change, life could get better.
With a "boring" nice guy, it seems like stagnation.
Been there.

(Yes, that's sexist generalisation, but it's really what guys want to hear)

Man, that's a crap position to be in.
I think I'll throw my two pennys in, and say that it would be best if you let it run it's course, sounds like you had a good run, and remember, stiff upper lip whilst it's happening, and plenty of tea, cake and tissues when you're alone.
You'll be ok

And yeah, been where you are in a less serious situation. it wasn't nice then, it won't be for you.

Sorry man, it's gonna hurt.

Best of luck!

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