Unrequited Love or How I'm Too Passive For My Own Good

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So, during the past year I've managed to fall quite madly in love with a girl that I'm friends with. Of course, me being me I never managed to go forward with anything during this. Now, I used to believe in the myth of how 'nice guys finish last', and I do consider myself to this day to be a nice guy. But I was always too shy to try anything; I'm not very good at talking to girls. The initial optimism of my attraction turned into pessimism as I slowly realised that this girl would never return my feelings. It tore me apart; I considered offing myself more than once. Decided against it, of course.

During this time she got a boyfriend. Now, I was prepared to hate him, but an odd thing happened. I realised that he was one of the nicest guys that I had ever met. I didn't know what to think at first, but now, I've decided that he'll make her far happier than I ever could. This should be the end of it, but I can't shake my feelings for her. Hell, some nights I just lie awake and stare at the ceiling. It hurts, is what I'm saying.

Now, what I want from you guys is some advice on how to move on, because I damn well haven't been able to by myself.

I had this problem a few years back. I think most people go through it at some point. It's a truly awful feeling isn't it? I was into this girl for about 3 years or so and I wasn't particularly happy during that time. I did come out and tell her eventually and things went alright after that, for the most part.

Eventually we started talking a lot less and it wasn't until that point where I really started to "get over her." One of my friends went through something similar and, in the end, the only thing that really worked for either of us was seeing the object of our affections a lot less. It just happened naturally, though. It's not easy to just stop seeing your friends.

You could always use the pain to inspire some kind of art, sell it, and make millions.

I recommend finding yourself a new girl, nothing drives old loves out of the mind faster than new ones. Also, next time just go for it, at the worst she'll say no and be flattered by your interest, on the other hand if she says yes... ;-)

Ah, this story.
Let me spin you a yarn from my own life.
It started around 3 years ago, when I met a girl a year older myself. We often hung out due to mutual freinds but we never quite got to know each other until one year later when we were in a situation where all we could do was talk. We talked about cooking and music then bullying and politic, that's when I finally noticed her for the beauty she is. After that we kept hanging around each other not because of other people but because she and I enjoyed our company. Then, one year ago I confessed my love for her and she said no.
She's still my friend and we still hang out when she's in town but I'm still not completely over her, I just need more time.
So it just takes time, it may be clieched but it's true.

Also new love, you will forget about everything else once you're in love again.
Though for me I'm too emotional to go into a new love soon after an old one.

Froggy Slayer:
The initial optimism of my attraction turned into pessimism as I slowly realised that this girl would never return my feelings.

[...]

I've decided that he'll make her far happier than I ever could.

Why do you go out of your way to visualize your failure before you actually do anything?

If a girl says "no" then she says no. Nothing happens. Doing nothing and regretting it later is much worse because you'll constantly be asking yourself "what if...?" but you won't know because you didn't even try and it will be there at the back of your head, popping up every once in a while when you're in a bad mood to make the mood even worse.
Try to have as few of these type of regrets as possible.
Next time, go for it. You can make a fool of yourself, it's ok.
The memories of you trying and failing are, in retrospect, kind of pleasant. They can even be hilarious if you messed up real bad.
The memories of you stepping back and doing nothing are just mental baggage.

Hold on, lemme check youtube. Ah, here we go.
Probably not very helpful OP, but I think the music is quite relevant to this topic.

I'd say just let it go. No sense in pining.
Plenty of things to enjoy in life and other people to meet.

Oh unrequited love. it's a fun one.

Takes ages to get past it. Had it happen twice, the first girl it took me 5 years to realise we would never have worked.

The second girl turned out to be a lesbian, no really this isn't being butt-hurt she is actually a lesbian. A damn good friend too.

I think I've only fallen in love once during elementary school. But then every guy in class liked her, so I was already out of the game right there.

Agent Larkin:
Snip-

Reminds me of this song.


Had a friend whom this happened to as well, he was crushed for weeks so I hope you don't take offence at it and I hope you can laugh at it too.

Froggy Slayer:
So, during the past year I've managed to fall quite madly in love with a girl that I'm friends with. Of course, me being me I never managed to go forward with anything during this. Now, I used to believe in the myth of how 'nice guys finish last', and I do consider myself to this day to be a nice guy. But I was always too shy to try anything; I'm not very good at talking to girls. The initial optimism of my attraction turned into pessimism as I slowly realised that this girl would never return my feelings. It tore me apart; I considered offing myself more than once. Decided against it, of course.

During this time she got a boyfriend. Now, I was prepared to hate him, but an odd thing happened. I realised that he was one of the nicest guys that I had ever met. I didn't know what to think at first, but now, I've decided that he'll make her far happier than I ever could. This should be the end of it, but I can't shake my feelings for her. Hell, some nights I just lie awake and stare at the ceiling. It hurts, is what I'm saying.

Now, what I want from you guys is some advice on how to move on, because I damn well haven't been able to by myself.

go outside and talk to other girls.

dwelling in your basement doing absolutely nothing will only lead to you getting older and still remain the same piece of self pitty shy guy that thinks of himself he is a nice guy but ultimately end up being a creepy old guy.

talking to a girl seems to be one of the most gut-wrenching things you can do, at first. mostly because you think they will not only reject you, but start a international slander and smear campaign and thus destroy any chance to have something resembling a sex life.

and thats bullshit/silly

you are just, like sadly a lot of guys, destroying a lot of chances to become happy due fear and prejudice.
girls are people. you can actually talk to them.
yeah you might get some rejections first, but you will become better and a bit more confident in it and there is no guarantee that you will be rejected at all.

just try to take the following at heart when trying to talk to a girl.

1) be yourself.

lying to a girl will only make you run like an idiot to just try to keep a facade up.
more so if you end up in a relationship with a girl. if you then reveal who you really are, even if she thinks you are a nice guy, she will leave you because she cant trust you anymore.

2) dont take advice from pick up artists a.k.a dont be a dick.

acting like a douchebag may get you laid one day, but in the long run you will get more and more rejection and a reputation on being a dick.
girls like bad boys mostly not because they are bad, but because they shine confidence in themselves.

and nice guys may finish last, but they die first. a lot.
a nice guy should only be someone who doesnt make others (man and females)small around him to feel majestic. nothing else.

3) be clean. no one likes a smelly person.

girls date guys you would consider "fat" and "ugly" too(some of them would even do frollo from notre dame), but they never date them when they are unhygienic and smell like stale doritos, old underwear and beer.

if you find yourself out of shape, you can try to get yourself in shape with simple exercises.
there is a book called convict conditioning that gives you advice how to use your own bodyweight to excersise.
but you can find them on the internet too.

again, this is only if you feel uncomfortable in your own body and if you want to add a "cherry" on top of you.
(you would like to have a good shaped girlfriend too. so why should it suprise you that girls want that too.)

4) if you are too afraid to ask a girl, get a wingman.
you know the "do you know ted" introduction line in how i met your mother?
it works. try it out.

staying in your bed and thinking about a girl that already has her mind on someone else only will make you miserable, frustated and turn you into a mysgonic asshole that pushes the blame on his own situation on others.

Casual Shinji:
I think I've only fallen in love once during elementary school. But then every guy in class liked her, so I was already out of the game right there.

and thats what i am talking about.
thats the kind of prejudice that hinders people to have a chance of being happy.

you just excluded yourself right away due fear and thats sad.
this will now kind of hunt you slighly for the rest of you life. and leaving this planet with even small regrets is a bad thing.

shinji, you could possibly have made her heart skip a beat with your skills.
image
if i could only draw even 1/10th like you...

Froggy Slayer:
-snip-

Now, what I want from you guys is some advice on how to move on, because I damn well haven't been able to by myself.

How do you move on?

If I had the answer to that question I would be a millionaire. Moving on is one of the hardest things you can do because it opens you up again to getting hurt. Before I continue, I will just drop my favourite quote on love here.

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love."

Love hurts. It always has, it always well. It does get easier though. That said, I am not exactly a wellspring of advice, I have been in a few relationships in my time and in love... twice. The best advice I can give you is distract yourself, constantly.

If you are lying awake all night? Read something. Anything. TV-Tropes, Cracked, Poetry, whatever floats your boat. Or, if you are loosing a lot of sleep, do the reverse. Turn off all lights, all sounds and then just close your eyes and wait. Your brain will slow down eventually.

If you find yourself moping and doing nothing try doing something productive. Work out, get some schoolwork done, shit like that. Small things will make you feel better, small tasks are the best. Like cleaning your room or washing up or something. It will make you stop thinking, its a clear task.

This one is the most important one though. Stop talking about it. Hang around with your friends. If thats too hard, try and make my friends!

Being passive is deadly. It leads to soul-death. It will make you unhappy eventually. And it is a really, really hard cycle to break out of. But you also have to remember that it is OK to be unhappy when things do not go your way.

Its my ex girlfriends birthday today. To counteract the abject misery of the situation, of unrequited love, I am tidying my room. Spring cleaning. Once my washing is done I will jump in the shower and then go for a walk. Might get the bus into town and sit around drinking overpriced coffee in a coffee shop.

Finally...

Just ask someone else out. Hell, that might be difficult. It might be terrifying. But once you get used to asking people out, and rejection, life becomes so much easier.

Easiest way of getting over someone, totally and utterly, particularly someone you have never dated, is to date someone. Its not wrong, its not a "Rebound". Once you are over the age of 20 chances are everyone around you has been in a relationship. Everyone has baggage of some kind.

Unrequited love is horrible. But its just part of growing up.

Personal experience, get comfortable being on your own. Find ways to like yourself, or become a person you would like yourself to be. A meaningful relationship will come out of that. You won't get laid a lot with that kind of mindset, but it works if you really want something deep.

Also, some people will tell you not to be a dick. I will not dissuade you from that, but there's something to be said about not being too nice. Don't always say the nice things or do the right action, choose the "Renegade" option every once in a while. If a girl wants a dog, they'd get a dog ya know?

Anyway, you're going through a rough spot. Like I said, take a break for a while and just focus on yourself.

Find another girl.
Only new crushes help me get over old ones.

Angie7F:
Find another girl.
Only new crushes help me get over old ones.

That's...actually a problem, I'd say. Rebound relationships are iffy, at least from my experience. As the guy above said...

SaneAmongInsane:
Personal experience, get comfortable being on your own. Find ways to like yourself, or become a person you would like yourself to be.

That's what it falls down to. Even when in a relationship, you need to be comfortable with yourself, otherwise things get complicated quickly.

rhizhim:
blah blah blah, confidence. Blah blah blah, nice guys.

On the point of confidence, I think its difficult to gain confidence when you're used to/fear rejection. Nothing builds confidence like knowing a girl/girls are into you. I tend to fluctuate between being confident as hell and totally self damning and this is normally related to how much female attention im getting at the time, which ironically, is probably based mainly on my confidence.

Second, on the subject of 'nice guys'. The best distinction ive heard is that between 'good guys' and 'nice guys'. Good guys are just good people who can be supremely confident or whatever but are good people, won't lie or cheat. Nice guys are wusses with no self esteem who think that rolling over and doing what a girl wants is how to make a girl happy, and that by the same token having any kind of self esteem and bravado is inherently going to make someone a jerk.

First of all let me say this: I applaud you for not being the kind of asshat that ultimately blames her for "friendzoning" you... That alone shows a kind of character that a lot of people in your situation lack.

To my advice... Keep in mind that this is just general advice from a total outsider. I don't know you, don't know her, don't know your situation in detail. That gives me the ability to be very rational, maybe even cold hearted about this. Doing what I'd suggest would require a lot of overcoming and if you don't wanna do that I can more than understand because when I was in your situation I didn't do what I'm telling you now myself. But I know this: In a lot of aspects brain chemistry wise being in love is like being on drugs. Dopamine and stuff, you know what I mean. And how do you get off drugs? You detox. That means no more drugs.

So my advice would be: Talk to her. Explain to her how you feel. Maybe even use the drug analogy. And tell her than you need some time, maybe even a few months, to wean yourself off of her. Because it's kind of hard getting over your feelings for her if she's kinda always in your face. Like an alcoholic trying to become sober still working at his job in a brewery. So a pause, no talking, no contact, maybe even that kind of disciplinary electrical dog collar to zap yourself every time you think about her. And then after a few months you check if you can be around her without it hurting so much and if you succeeded then you can try to rekindle your friendship if the two of you still want that. If rekindling the friendship doesn't work, well... We have a saying here: "Rather an end with horror than a horror without end."

Captha: the whole nine yards.

Have been in much the same position, I always hated it when I liked her boyfriends... I think only one of them was a cock ever.

The solution: Drinking!

Or just generally finding something else to do. Buy a DVD boxset and watch it all the way through. Spend a full day gaming with mates. Distractions in general are great. Also, avoid the girl like the plague! It'll take fucking ages, it was more than a year for me, but you'll get over her. Just don't meet her again because ALL those feelings rush back.

If you don't want to exorcise her from your life entirely, just accept that you fancy her and always will because ultimately, there's a reason for it. You find all those traits attractive. Just keep on fancying her and don't act on it. It's really not as bad as you'd think it would be.

There's three way I get over someone.
1) Find someone new. Great idea in theory, near impossible in practice.
2) Just wait it out, time heals all wounds and all that.
3) Get them to disappoint you terribly. This can take many forms, but basically if they somehow display behaviour that disappoints you enough the shine of perfection will fade and it's a lot easier to let it go. (in my case anyway)

I used to be incredibly passive.

I don't know what happened but one day I was straightforward with a girl I had an interest in, she came over to mine, we watched movies, I decided to make a move, now we're in a 8 month relationship.

I think eventually at one point I was sick of losing. I saw something I wanted, I decided to be brave. Try something new. It worked. It wouldn't always work, but it did.

Anyway, OT: time, my friend. Time heals wounds. Not all wounds, but most of them. Eventually you WILL get over her.

Mr F.:

Froggy Slayer:
-snip-

-snip-

Man, I am seriously happy that I don't fall in love. I don't understand how you people can stand it.
OT: If it wasn't obvious, I'm not much help I'm afraid. But I'd wager the tips given in this thread are pretty much spot on.

Froggy Slayer:
-snip-

First of all, I'm really glad you were able to look passed your own spite to think about her needs first. More than once I've seen on these boards guys that come in with the same problem as you, but rather than accepting that the girl is an autonomous human being who is capable of pursuing her own happiness, they have decided that they are the only man on earth that can make her happy and that any other choice she makes is wrong and merely a delusion generated by their friendship. Not only is that an unhealthy outlook, but it's also very selfish and possessive that only does more to prove you probably weren't the one for her.

Second of all, I think you're on the right track in that the whole "nice guys finish last" thing only appears to be true because "nice guys" tend to be less assertive in their feelings and so don't initiate romantic attention more than "jerks" might. Unfortunately, the only advice I have here is to just move outside your comfort zone. There's really no getting around it--a lot of girls do expect guys to make the first move, or at the very least expect some sort of sign that he reciprocates her feelings before she proceeds with more flirting. I know I'm like that. If I'm not pretty sure the guy has feelings for me as well, I'll hold back and keep twiddling my thumbs until I get some sort of a signal. It's not going to be easy, and it will probably be awkward at times, but the best advice I can give is don't be a creeper and be considerate. The worst she can do is say no, but it's your job to recognize when you've gotten a "no" and don't continue pushing after that point.

That was my high school experience in a nutshell! Don't sweat it though, there will always be another girl around the corner that catches your fancy. Next time you've just got through with it. Also, "nice guys finish last" only applies to women who prefer Type A personalities. I assume you're a fellow Type B and let me tell you... the Type B girls are just as good, if not better ;3

Lilani:
The worst she can do is say no, but it's your job to recognize when you've gotten a "no" and don't continue pushing after that point.

I still think it's her job to make the "no" clear, as in, saying "I'm not interested", though. You know, I don't want to take classes in clairvoyance just for that. But yeah, when you get a "no", you accept that, I agree.

I mean, if the girl doesn't make it clear, how's a guy supposed to know if she's not interested, playing hard to get, or simply has her own problems with asserting what's going through her head?

Moving on from this kind of situation is something I have personal experience in. Here's a few of my tips:
1) As mentioned, finding a new attraction is one of the quickest ways to move on, as long as it isn't superficial and designed to make your infatuation 'jealous' (they won't be!)
2) Focus on yourself for a while. This kind of severe infatuation tends to drain the self - you ignore your wellbeing and your interests as your infatuation takes over your world. Break free from that. Invest in you. Get out in the world, take up new hobbies and meet plenty of new people. Which brings me onto the next point...
3) Separation. You will not get over your infatuation if you are hanging out every single day, or constantly in contact. Your brain won't let you. Separation is needed, usually a month or two of little to no contact. Rekindle all the friendships you've been ignoring. There's a good chance this WILL damage your friendship with your infatuation. But it's better than having terrible mental health and self esteem. If anything, separation can strengthen the friendship.
4) This is the hardest one. You've got to come to realize that what you've felt has been a strong infatuation. It was a very passionate desire. Remove the label 'love' from it. Was it even love? Do I even know what love is? Life is too short too attach such significance to a relationship that will never be. It seems impossible to work out in your head at first, but its the last and most important part of getting over someone. Recognize that love is beautiful, but rare, and passion can create an illusion of it.

Vegosiux:
I still think it's her job to make the "no" clear, as in, saying "I'm not interested", though. You know, I don't want to take classes in clairvoyance just for that. But yeah, when you get a "no", you accept that, I agree.

I mean, if the girl doesn't make it clear, how's a guy supposed to know if she's not interested, playing hard to get, or simply has her own problems with asserting what's going through her head?

From what I've seen, in most cases the strength of the answer is usually proportional to the strength of the question. If your "question" of romantic interest takes the form of vague flirting and gestures that could possibly be taken as simple friendliness (even two friends of the opposite sex can get coffee and have lunch together in a non-romantic context), then your answer is going to be vague signals of disinterest (not making eye contact or initiating conversation, that sort of thing). If you straight-up ask her "Would you like to go on a date with me?" then you're more likely to get a straight answer. Even if she still gives what might technically be a vague answer ("I'm busy" or "Maybe some other time") if it's not an affirmative "yes" and she doesn't make an effort to reschedule or tell her to call her again, then that answer is pretty clear.

Yes, that probably still is obtuse and unfair, but how are we supposed to be more blunt with how you guys go all sad, puppy-dog eyes on us when we let you down ;-P

I'm torn. She has a boyfriend, and I don't think you should mess with that. On the other hand, I've been stuck on the same girl for...17 years now, and I'm pretty sure my inactivity has fucked me over for life. It's not great.

TLDR: Obsession is bad, kids. So yeah, I don't know how the fuck to do it, but get over her, quick. Take this as a cautionary tale on how dwelling on it WILL ruin your life.

Captcha: don't waste time

Even Captcha knows.

Lilani:

Yes, that probably still is obtuse and unfair, but how are we supposed to be more blunt with how you guys go all sad, puppy-dog eyes on us when we let you down ;-P

Hah, good one!

Yeah I do see your point. I'm just saying that so many awkward situations could be avoided if people were simply more clear about stuff at least when they're certain about what they're thinking. But I suppose the crux is in the fact that in such a situation people simply make themselves vulnerable and the psychology kicks in, or something.

I mean, okay, I'm old enough to recognize interest and disinterest, and can even tell the difference between lack of confidence and lack of interest - which is another thing many people seem to have problem with I might add, and mean "Don't be picky" when they say "Be confident".

My four step process for this undeniably shitty experience:

1. Properly classify your feelings as infatuation (and/or lust). Romantic love is mutual.
2. Cut her out. Otherwise moving on is infinitely more painful/time-consuming. Explain this to her.
3. Work on yourself. Literally (exercise), but also at school, at work, etc. Distraction is key.
4. Talk to other females. Force yourself if necessary. You might have to rebound, and that's fine.

Above all else, be respectful of everyone involved. Respect your "crush" even as you're calmly explaining why you can't be around her anymore. Respect the next girl you meet by keeping things casual and light until you're genuinely ready to jump into something more serious. And respect yourself by realizing that you deserve someone who loves you back.

SaneAmongInsane:

Also, some people will tell you not to be a dick. I will not dissuade you from that, but there's something to be said about not being too nice. Don't always say the nice things or do the right action, choose the "Renegade" option every once in a while. If a girl wants a dog, they'd get a dog ya know?

I think this depends on what you mean by 'nice'.
If you're not telling her how you actually feel and agreeing to things you dislike because you think it's 'nice', she might end up distrusting you and how you aren't being honest with her.

I got a (platonic) friend back in high school who was too nice, and annoyed me so much.
She would never defend her opinions, and gave up on everything if it caused inconvenience on anyone.
I ended up being quite rude to her, trying to push her, but she was just a doormat...

I always got the feeling I would have fallen for her if she was just a bit more assertive and more interesting. Eventually I just gave up and was nice to her and accepted she wasn't the kind of person I'd really become good friends with.

excalipoor:
I'm torn. She has a boyfriend, and I don't think you should mess with that. On the other hand, I've been stuck on the same girl for...17 years now, and I'm pretty sure my inactivity has fucked me over for life. It's not great.

TLDR: Obsession is bad, kids. So yeah, I don't know how the fuck to do it, but get over her, quick. Take this as a cautionary tale on how dwelling on it WILL ruin your life.

Captcha: don't waste time

Even Captcha knows.

Wow, just wow. That is one hell of an experience and was honestly quite hard to read. Those bits about wanting her to be happy, but with you and seeing a picture of her and... someone else. Every time I see something like that it's like getting stabbed or having a knife twisted.

I really hope I don't sound patronising but that was me recently. Never asked anyone out, meet a girl, get close quickly etc. Anyway I kept trying to get brave enough to ask her out and kept putting it off. I knew we wouldn't see each other over Christmas so I rationalised that I would ask her the next time I saw her, which would be a couple of months time.

Then I saw a picture of her and... someone else. It was immediately obvious what was going on, it was just like, as you say "a picture from a fucking romcom." So damn perfect. Then the pictures kept coming and I started forcing myself to look at them as a way of accepting what was going on. Needless to say it didn't really work and there are still sleepless nights spent wondering on the 'what-ifs'. Can't even sleep without thinking about her every night, it's basically become part of my routine.

Seeing them in a picture together, or even just seeing their names together is painful. I know it's nobody's fault but my own for not saying something. All the advice in the world isn't helping either, there are no magic words that will make me see the light and realise what I must do. As much as I understand the logic in finding someone else or moving on I just can't right now because of that voice in the back of my head saying: You're doing this for your benefit, trying to get over her rather than wanting to get with someone else, you're doing this for the wrong reasons. I can't shut that bit up.

Strangely enough though the whole 'exercising' thing seems to help a lot. I've had way more motivation to do it than before so that does work.

Jesus I'm venting here, sorry.

Froggy Slayer:
So, during the past year I've managed to fall quite madly in love with a girl that I'm friends with. Of course, me being me I never managed to go forward with anything during this. Now, I used to believe in the myth of how 'nice guys finish last', and I do consider myself to this day to be a nice guy. But I was always too shy to try anything; I'm not very good at talking to girls. The initial optimism of my attraction turned into pessimism as I slowly realised that this girl would never return my feelings. It tore me apart; I considered offing myself more than once. Decided against it, of course.

During this time she got a boyfriend. Now, I was prepared to hate him, but an odd thing happened. I realised that he was one of the nicest guys that I had ever met. I didn't know what to think at first, but now, I've decided that he'll make her far happier than I ever could. This should be the end of it, but I can't shake my feelings for her. Hell, some nights I just lie awake and stare at the ceiling. It hurts, is what I'm saying.

Now, what I want from you guys is some advice on how to move on, because I damn well haven't been able to by myself.

You'll just have to get past it. I realize this is the least helpful advice you could receive, but it's the truth. Move on, concern yourself less with love. Lose yourself in something you value. If he's really the best thing for her, and if you really love her, you'll see this. As a result, you'll focus less on her and more on other who may be more connected towards your vice of choice.

Daveman:
Have been in much the same position, I always hated it when I liked her boyfriends... I think only one of them was a cock ever.

The solution: Drinking!

Or just generally finding something else to do. Buy a DVD boxset and watch it all the way through. Spend a full day gaming with mates. Distractions in general are great. Also, avoid the girl like the plague! It'll take fucking ages, it was more than a year for me, but you'll get over her. Just don't meet her again because ALL those feelings rush back.

If you don't want to exorcise her from your life entirely, just accept that you fancy her and always will because ultimately, there's a reason for it. You find all those traits attractive. Just keep on fancying her and don't act on it. It's really not as bad as you'd think it would be.

While this is an unhealthy (and I suspect, jovial) response, this is also good advice. As I said, lose yourself in something you enjoy.

JaceValm:

excalipoor:
I'm torn. She has a boyfriend, and I don't think you should mess with that. On the other hand, I've been stuck on the same girl for...17 years now, and I'm pretty sure my inactivity has fucked me over for life. It's not great.

TLDR: Obsession is bad, kids. So yeah, I don't know how the fuck to do it, but get over her, quick. Take this as a cautionary tale on how dwelling on it WILL ruin your life.

Captcha: don't waste time

Even Captcha knows.

Wow, just wow. That is one hell of an experience and was honestly quite hard to read. Those bits about wanting her to be happy, but with you and seeing a picture of her and... someone else. Every time I see something like that it's like getting stabbed or having a knife twisted.

I really hope I don't sound patronising but that was me recently. Never asked anyone out, meet a girl, get close quickly etc. Anyway I kept trying to get brave enough to ask her out and kept putting it off. I knew we wouldn't see each other over Christmas so I rationalised that I would ask her the next time I saw her, which would be a couple of months time.

Then I saw a picture of her and... someone else. It was immediately obvious what was going on, it was just like, as you say "a picture from a fucking romcom." So damn perfect. Then the pictures kept coming and I started forcing myself to look at them as a way of accepting what was going on. Needless to say it didn't really work and there are still sleepless nights spent wondering on the 'what-ifs'. Can't even sleep without thinking about her every night, it's basically become part of my routine.

Seeing them in a picture together, or even just seeing their names together is painful. I know it's nobody's fault but my own for not saying something. All the advice in the world isn't helping either, there are no magic words that will make me see the light and realise what I must do. As much as I understand the logic in finding someone else or moving on I just can't right now because of that voice in the back of my head saying: You're doing this for your benefit, trying to get over her rather than wanting to get with someone else, you're doing this for the wrong reasons. I can't shut that bit up.

Strangely enough though the whole 'exercising' thing seems to help a lot. I've had way more motivation to do it than before so that does work.

Jesus I'm venting here, sorry.

It's a horrid place to be. I genuinely hope you can find some way to move past it and find happiness. Understand where you're coming from.

I wasted years pining after 'friends' and girls I didn't think I could get. Interestingly all my issues were because I was a virgin at the time, once you get laid everything changes. The friends I wanted in the past I was able to get easily because I suddenly had the confidence and I knew what I was doing.

So my advice is to let it go for now and wait until you have the confidence you need to go after her. And even though this will probably receive scorn on this website, channel your negativity and anger into the gym. Find a gym buddy who knows what he's doing, buy a bag of protein powder and get going 4/5 times a week. It does wonders for your self confidence, and after just 2 months you will start to notice a change (if you do things right), and hell, you might not know if you have the right body for it now, but after just 4 or 5 months you can pump yourself up and have all the confidence in the world to pick up girls.

I know personality and all that nonsense are the important aspects in finding a relationship, but you really do need to find confidence in yourself first and the best way to do that is to funnel the negativity and sad thoughts into something worthwhile.

Vegosiux:
[quote="Angie7F" post="18.404554.16763413"]Find another girl.
Only new crushes help me get over old ones.

That's...actually a problem, I'd say. Rebound relationships are iffy, at least from my experience. As the guy above said...

Well, I personally think rebounds depend on how you handle it.
there are plenty of iffy rebounds, but then you have ones which make you think
"This is the girl I have been waiting for. Why the hell was I so caught up on THAT girl?"

I guess, my philosophy is that you can only scout around and enjoy being on the market when you are young and single.
THi is why I try to make the most of it rather than sit at home nursing my wound and then realise that I wasted all my best years away.

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