Foot in mouth disease.

We all say stupid things, some of us more often then others, what's your "best" (or most awful, or funniest) foot in mouth moment?

I'll go first. Since a few months me and a friend go swimming once a week. We both started doing this to get our stamina/endurance back up after some rather bad illnesses, which in her case resulted in her arm being amputated.

Last week, the pool was exceptionally busy and I was complaining to her about it with the rather badly chosen words: "Man it's really busy, half the time I can only use one arm to swim..." followed by "oh, crap.. Sorry..."

So... anyone think they can out foot-in-mouth me?

So... anyone think they can out foot-in-mouth me?

Does it have to be our personal experience, or can I just say "Joe Biden" and /thread? :p

Assuming the former, a few weeks ago, the head of my fraternity had just got through inducting his son-in-law and was explaining the program for the upcoming month's program. I thought I was being clever why correcting the slightest mistake in terminology. But, as soon as the words left my mouth, my brain shouted "FFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUU". Afterwords I caught an earful. You don't embarrass yourself, you don't embarrass the head of the fraternity.

Pretty sure accidental innuendos are going to top the lists...usually followed by "Wait, that came out wrong." I suppose there might also be cases of "Ehrm, present company excluded", but I can't remember a specific example, though I do recall having walked right into that one a few times.

But one moment I do remember comes from my tarok games; the gang I usually play with has some jokey expressions for stuff, such as, taking all four queens in a game goes by as "conquering the harem". So I managed to just blurt that "I conquered the harem" one time I was in a tournament, and my opponents were like "...what?" because they weren't in on the joke.

I remember one time in Geography, the teacher was going on and on about some company making a lot of money and how they did it. After having enough I just blurted out "What the hell do they need more money for?" Quickly realized how poorly it was worded after getting quite a few funny looks.

At my best friend's funeral four years ago, I was catching up with a mutual friend I hadn't seen in a couple of years. She asked what I was doing, I mentioned I was very busy and we joked about how life gets on top of you sometimes and I said, "Yeah no time for sleep. I'll sleep when I'm dead."

I like to think my friend would have found that hilarious. Her sister (who is another best friend) did so it turned out all right.

I can't think of anything I've said, which is weird, because I do it all the time... One of my housemates on the other hands. Heh, when she's speaking to me it seems she's quite good at doing it. Her most recent one was: "Yeah, but you don't need it (it being ID in pubs), you look old." That was closely followed by an 'oh shit' and a hasty explanation that she meant I looked my age and not old as in old.

We were having a history class some years back. The teacher was the type who couldn't handle children, and her presence made everyone a lot less mature for some mysterious reason. So, we're learning about King Henry the something-th, and the first exercise was to tell the person to your right a random fact about him, which was true. Now, as it turns out, this king was a notorious nose-picker,and the guy next to me, who shall be know as Quentin, proceeded to tell me as much. Then, we had to share our new-found knowledge with the class, and apparently saying that "Quentin told me that he picked his nose" didn't quite get the right meaning through.
Half the class didn't stop laughing/giggling till the end of class.

I can't top yours, but I can mention an example of my own. It was in maths class when we were calculating coordinates on a map with a program. The positions were numbered alphabetically, A, B, C etc., and at one point there was coordinates for point G. At that point I blurted out: "We'll just need to calculate coordinates for the G-spot." We spent the next couple of minutes laughing our asses off.

I once asked my mate when his twin sister was born and he looked at me and said "when do you think?" and I replied by saying "about 6 months after you."

I was complaining about having to use chopsticks for chinese food, so my sister said 'It's traditional.' I looked at her and said 'So is female genital mutilation.'
Yeah, she was pissed for a while.

A friend of mine told me she wasn't a fan of self-defecating humour. Ironically I shit myself laughing.

I thought this thread was going to be about Foot and Mouth disease. Ah well

And yeah, I've had that moment. I was joking around with my friend, we like dark humour and I made a joke about 9/11. I didn't know her uncle died in that event. Nothing came of it and we're still good friends today. But I do regret that moment slightly.

The following conversation with my mother:

Mom: "Why is it that you can't do anything right?!"

Me: "Well you know what they say about wanting something done right."

I felt a sharp pain in the back of my head immediately after, and that's all I remember.

So... anyone think they can out foot-in-mouth me?

Not me, no... but one of my colleagues came out with one of the most hilarious questions at work today.

So, we discussing snacks, and he's got a bag of prawn crackers he wants to share about. He's about to offer some to Sarah, one of the girls in the office, but I mention that she hates prawn crackers and he raises his voice to confirm, and confirmed it is. Then:


Oi, Sarah! Do you like sausage?!

Much hilarity ensued, because his manager heard, the general manager heard, as did one of the company directors.

I complained that I hadn't gotten laid in a while to a woman who was raped as a child.

Best of the 3:
I thought this thread was going to be about Foot and Mouth disease. Ah well

Same here bro, same here

Anyway, I'm struggling to think of instances where I've been the perpetrator (I'm quite sure they exist but I've probably repressed the memories out of embarrassment)

But there's been many a time where someone who I just met/doesn't know me particularly well has started badmouthing the English, or claiming that they hate all English people, not knowing I'm English. Usually my friends well start laughing and then tell them the horrible truth.

I complained that I hadn't gotten laid in a while to a woman who was raped as a child.

Oh, fuck, that's dark. S'pose she hates that side of men because of her experience as a child, then? Huh.

-awkward silence-

I think I just created my foot in mouth moment. ANYWAY:

I have these experiences all the time. I once tried to talk to this girl in School and she gave me a death-stare alongside a shake of the head. I was just asking her if she knew where something was. Anyway, it's a pretty painful moment to remember, and I regret ever opening my mouth.

Funny thing is, the memory's very...faded, visually.. Repressed memories, Aho!

"Norfolk in Chance".

Back in school, my mates joked that this would be a funny team name for our class project. I didn't read it out in my head, so I didn't get the joke, right up until I recited the team name to the teacher. Most balls out retarded and embarrassing moment of my life.

I met a Greek musician in Arnhem, with his Turkish manager, on a night out when quite tipsy...

The only thing my brain could think of was 'how the hell did that unlikely mix happen... well, I can't ask about it...'

So in true Faulty Towers fashion, the first thing out of my mouth was; 'So... has anyone been to Cyprus...'

Not my brightest moment!


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