Build a man a fire, and he will be warm for a day.
Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

- I can't remember.

KapnKerfuffle:
Build a man a fire, and he will be warm for a day.
Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

- I can't remember.

Terry Practchett used it, buts its not an uncommon joke.

"Oh fuck"

never used poorly, nomatter who the speaker.

"If for one minute you think you're better than a sixteen year old girl in a Green Day t-shirt, you are sorely mistaken. Remember the first time you went to a show and saw your favorite band. You wore their shirt, and sang every word. You didn't know anything about scene politics, haircuts, or what was cool. All you knew was that this music made you feel different from anyone you shared a locker with. Someone finally understood you. This is what music is about."

No idea what so ever who that was by, but it's perfect.

"Would you kindly?"

Socrates :"Crito, we owe a cock to Asclepius. Do pay it. Don't forget."

Brother Meynard! Consult the book of armaments!

Chapter 1, verses 1-11:

And Saint Attila did raise the hand-grenade up on high, saying, Lord, bless this thy hand grnade, so with it I may blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy.

And the Lord did grin, and the people did feast upon the carp, and lamb, and fruitbats, and orangutans, and breakfast cereal, and tiny bits of-*skip over that bit*-...

To wield the Holy Hand grenade, first thou shalt pulleth out the holy pin, then thou shalt counteth to three, and three shall be the number of thy counting. Thou shalt not count four neither count thou two, unless thou then proceedeth to three. Five is right out. Once the holy pin hath been pulled, lobbest thou the Holy Hand-Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who being naughty in thy sight shall;
Snuff it.

Amen.

"Pronoun verb conjunction noun conjunction adjective."
-Me

Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense.
-- Buddha

"...and to balance the unentertaining seriousness of this sentence, Boingo Boingo Whoopsy Knickers."

-Yahtzee [CoD4 review]

Karl Marx

Religion is the opiate of the people.

Lord Action

Power Corrupts. Absolute power corrupts absolutely.(This one I have put thought into but I was beaten to the punch quite a few years.)

Teddy Roosevelt

Speak softly and carry a big stick; you will go far.

A widespread taste for pornography means that nature is alerting us to some threat of extinction.- JG Ballard

"I'M JOHNNY K AND I'M HERE TO ROCK!!!"
-me at a job interview.

And one more body to the body toll
May god rest this poor bastard's soul
-Ninja Ninja

Only when the last tree has been cut down
And the last river
Has dried to a trickle
Will man finally realise
That we cannot eat money
And reciting old proverbs
Makes you sound like a twat
-Banksy

Most things by bill hicks [linkage]

"O, 'tis excellent to have a giant's strength, but 'tis tyrannous to use it like a giant"
Shakespeare - Measure for Measure

"Fly! I can't! Too late!"
Bert Visscher while tossing a plushy bunny in the air

SecretTacoNinja:
Woohoo, a Hippogriff! (or Pheldagriff)

"So... this is what happens when an Unstoppable Force meets an Immovable Object."
-Joker, The Dark Knight.

"Just because you say 'with all due respect' doesn't mean you can say anything afterwards."
"Yes, it does, that's why you say 'with all due respect'!"
Dr. Cuddy and Dr. House, House.

my friend very recently.
me:but when sam hears the word "no"
or "after breakfast/lunch/dinner"
he go's into a kind of berserk frenzy tantrum
dan:
whats with youth these days? i remember 10 years ago when parents could hit children and it would be the end of it

The most merciful thing in the world, I think, is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents. We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far. The sciences, each straining in its own direction, have hitherto harmed us little; but some day the piecing together of dissociated knowledge will open up such terrifying vistas of reality, and of our frightful position therein, that we shall either go mad from the revelation or flee from the light into the peace and safety of a new dark age.

H.P. Lovecraft, "The call of cthulhu"

He did of course sometimes have people horribly tortured to death, but this was considered to be perfectly acceptable behaviour for a civic ruler and generally approved of by the overhelming majority of citizens. [footnote: The overhelming majority of citizens being defined in this case as everyone not currently hanging upside down over a scorpion pit]
--Terry Pratchett, Sourcery

Kill them, I want their legs!

-me

I'm against picketing.....but I don't know how to show it - Mitch Hedburg
Bang, heh heh, you're dead - Snake, Decline of Video Gaming 3
Jump onto my sword while you can! - Minsc, Baldur's Gate

"Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn." ... "In his house at R'lyeh dead Cthulhu waits dreaming."

H.P. Lovecraft, "The call of cthulhu".

"BUT WAIT!!"
"LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAME!!!!"
-Benzaie

"When I was a kid I had an imaginary friend and I used to think that he went everywhere with me, and that I could talk to him and that he could hear me, and that he could grant me wishes and stuff...and then I grew up, and I stopped going to church."

-Jimmy Carr

"Aww, look at the cute little kitty cat, he's so cute, LETS DROWN HIM!"
-George Carlin

Bay Weep Grana Weep Ni Ni bong.

Fuck you! Fuck you! And Fuck you! Who's next..?

Watching queer eye for the straight guy made me think that if i got gay friends they would give me fashion tips............actually they fucked me!

Frankie Boil-Mock the week

"Terrorist fist jab."

I laughed so incredibly hard...

okey i dont know uf anyone has said this before but..

qoutes

The Dark knight- ''why so serious?''

Yhatzee- Prince of Persia Retrostpective- ''never stick your D*ck in a pudding, it might still be good pudding and spend all your afternoon explaining that, but noone's gonna eat that because you stuck your in it!''

"What if this wasn't a hypothetical question?"

"One day we might find out why a duckbill platypus. Not why it is anything in particular, just why it is."

Terry Pratchett.

"Holy shit, it's the Pope."

The female protagonist in the movie Dogma.

this is probably one of my favorites

Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the War Room!
from Dr Strangelove

"-and introducing the show that finally gives the Swiss the bagging out they've been asking for-'What's the time, You Neutral, Yodeling, Chocolate-Muncher?!' "

-Tony Martin, Get This