What are the funniest quotes you have ever heard?

-You sir are drunk.
-I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.
Winston Churchill

"Gamer chicks. Yes, we exist. Yes, we have boobs. No, facials are not a smart way to emulate 'boom headshot'."

Whoops. I was thinking serious quotes. Damnit.

"Don't worry, the worst that could happen is we all die. "

Jade Curtiss, from 'Tales of the Abyss'. Not so much the quote, as the matter-of-fact way he says it.

My own:"I swear to drunk I'm not god"

PinkyM44:
-You sir are drunk.
-I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.
Winston Churchill

Oh god, Churchie is the best person to quote; besides maybe Paul Keating and Dylan Moran.

"That you Jim? Paul Keating here. Just because you swallowed a f***ing dictionary when you were about 15 doesn't give you the right to pour a bucket of shit over the rest of us." - Paul Keating talking to Jim McClelland (Former Australian Labor Party Politician) over the phone

"If, by any chance, the female genitalia had the ability to sing, it would sound like Enya" -Dylan Moran

"It's only funny until someone gets hurt... then it's hilarious!" - Unknown

Interviewer: When You write your songs, do you think about the man on the street?
Sid Vicious: No. Ive met the man on the street. hes a cunt.

this happened to me not a while ago...

Me: hey!
Friend: I hate you.
Me: what?
Friend: Oh hey! nice to see you again!

Frank Sinatra once said:
"An alcoholic is someone that drinks just as much as you that you hate"

In the beginning, God created the Universe.

This has since made a lot of people very angry and has widely been regarded as a bad move.

-Doug Adams, from The Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Doesn't get any better than that.

A CNN reporter, while interviewing a Marine Sniper asked;
"What do you feel when you shoot a terrorist?"

The Marine shrugged and replied,

"Recoil."

A reporter went up to Ghandi when he arrived at England.

"Mr Ghandi, what do you think of Western Civilization?"
"I think it would be a good idea".

ooooooohhhhhh Burnnnn, that's right Ghandi burned someone.

Another Winston Churchill quote - A woman walks up to him and says, "If I was your wife, I would put poison in your coffee!" Churchill replies, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it"
Also, that one about the Marine sniper was awesome!

best in-game quote would be:
'I've seen mudcrabs fight fiercer then you do' (quest buddy when charging at an actual mudcrab)

out-of-game it would become:
'but I sleep with the raidleader'
This when in said raid the leader was switched halfway from the lady he meant to a 16-year old boy. Needless to say we didn't manage to do anything productive for the next 15 minutes because we were all laughing our asses off.

"In victory, you deserve champagne. In defeat, you need it."

- Napoleon

"I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long."
"I'm sick of following my dreams, I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later".

- Mitch Hedberg

"You're not drunk if you can lie on the ground without holding on."

- Dean Martin

Alright, awhile ago myself and my friend were getting off the bus and without saying anything to lead up to it I turned to him and said "And that's why God is yellow." (the colour nothing racial) He turned to me and replied with "That's Brilliant!" Another ten minutes of walking later he just blurted out "Wait! What!" in a tone usually saved for the response to "I have an SDI" after making love.

Kind of a long story but I enjoy it. Another one that makes me chuckle, between me and my ex.
-Her : "You don't make any sense!"
-Me : "In my mind, I do."

mintsauce:

"I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long."

- Mitch Hedberg

That made me laugh so fucking hard.

I have one, on of my brother's WoW friends said this

"Alliance gives the chance to the little kiddies to be the hero they always wanted to be. Me being Horde, gives me the chance to punch them in the face."

I saw an episode of Doctor Who that had a funny quote.
So this guy at an office building had been poisoning a woman in HR so she could be the bride/food of some demon alien spider thing, I don't really know, and when this is all found out by the Doctor, he remarks that "It was all in the job title: Human Resources!" The poisoner replies, "This time it's personnel!"

It was funny at the time, I don't think I did a good job explaining it thoroughly enough.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

-Peter Ustinov

Evil Raven665:

"Alliance gives the chance to the little kiddies to be the hero they always wanted to be. Me being Horde, gives me the chance to punch them in the face."

Thats a good one, I lol'd (though im ally, dont push it)

Reaperman Wompa:
A reporter went up to Ghandi when he arrived at England.

"Mr Ghandi, what do you think of Western Civilization?"
"I think it would be a good idea".

ooooooohhhhhh Burnnnn, that's right Ghandi burned someone.

its Gandhi, just so you know.

"Welcome to the Internet. Where men are men, girls are men and small children are federal agents..."

Suck it up cupcake.
-One of my Drill Sergeants from AIT

notAspy:
"Welcome to the Internet. Where men are men, girls are men and small children are federal agents..."

You screwed up the quote >.>

It's "Welcome to the internet, Where the Women are Men, The Men are boys, and the girls are undercover FBI."

Aren't there 2 other threads like this?

(COD4)
Some guy: Hey baby, can I have your Myspace URL?
Us: *dying through laughter*

PinkyM44:
-You sir are drunk.
-I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.
Winston Churchill

A classic

you've forgotten the greatest movie quote ever
"Surely you can't be serious"
"I am serious... and don't call me Shirley"

Airplane FTW

"You climb obstacles like old people f---!!!"

- R Lee Ermey, Playing GSgt. Hartmann in Full Metal Jacket

"A man came up to me and said 'Sir, you're blocking the fire exit.' I said, 'No, I'm not. If you are flammable and have two legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.'"

"Hotels say they don't have a 13th floor, but people on the 14th floor, you know where you really are. 'What room are you in?' '1401.' 'No, you're not! Jump out that window, you'll die earlier!"-Both by Mitch Hedberg (R.I.P.)

THIS MACHINE GUN MAKES UP FOR MY TINY PENIS!!!!!!!!(Said on xbox live by a freind as he was firing a lmg on rsv1

"Lose it? It means go crazy ... nuts ... insane ... Bonzo ... No longer in possession of one's faculties ... Three fries short of a Happy Meal ... WACKO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Jack O'Neill - Stargate SG-1

Just about every quote in firefly. I love them all so much I can't just pick one.

Boris Johnson, the mayor of London, appears to be gifted at these:

On Big Brother

"I didn't see it, but it sounds barbaric. It's become like cock-fighting: poor dumb brutes being set upon each other by conniving television producers."

On Euro-hysteria

"I can hardly condemn UKIP as a bunch of boss-eyed, foam-flecked Euro hysterics, when I have been sometimes not far short of boss-eyed, foam-flecked hysteria myself."

On Tony Blair

"It is just flipping unbelievable. He is a mixture of Harry Houdini and a greased piglet. He is barely human in his elusiveness. Nailing Blair is like trying to pin jelly to a wall"

On Needless Over-Protection

"Individually, police officers are fantastic, brave people, and so are the paramedics. But when they have to leave people dying because of a Health and Safety Act policy, they must be starting to wonder where things are going."

On Channel 5 (Five)

"I don't see why people are so snooty about Channel 5. It has some respectable documentaries about the Second World War. It also devotes considerable airtime to investigations into lap-dancing, and other related and vital subjects."

On Privatisation

"It is only now, says Blair, that the terrible effects of botched privatisation are being felt on the nation's arteries, just as a heart attack patient spectacularly collapses after eighteen blissful years of eating pork pies."

On Cars and Mobile Phones

"I don't believe that talking on a mobile phone while driving a car is any more dangerous than the many other things that people do with their free hands while driving - nose-picking, reading the paper, studying the A-Z, beating the children, and so on."

On Taxis

"As anyone who has tried using a black cab in London recently will know, it is now cheaper to take a flight from Stansted to the Canaries than it is to go from Highbury to Westminster."

On George W. Bush

"The President is a cross-eyed Texan warmonger, unelected, inarticulate, who epitomises the arrogance of American foreign policy."

On Reincarnation and Premiership

"My chances of being PM are about as good as the chances of finding Elvis on Mars, or my being reincarnated as an olive."