"I just had a baby."
"B-but you're a guy."
"There's a reason I need a sick day!"

I recently told one job I had to leave early and wouldn't be able to make it in the next day because I had training for another job and I had to be awake for that. Not an excuse though, just turns out that job is more important.

They can't check you for a migraine. Every time I said I had a migraine they didn't even bother checking, just some medicine and water but don't take the medicine!

Sometimes I say I have to go to the dentist or doctors or whatever then you can just make your own sick note. But you need the doctors name and don't use it too often.

Diarrhoea.

Worked for me anyways...

jim: boss i can't come in today
boss: why not jim?
jim: im sick, and *muffled noises* SHUT UP AND PUT THE CAT BACK UP THERE! yeah, i need to see someone *muffled screams* THATS IT! IM TAKING ANOTHER HAND... I'll be in tomorrow, bye.

Sorry, I need to leave. I have to comb my dog.

Your boss may be gullible enough for this to work.

"I puked" works for getting out of school. Normally you don't go to the doctor for vomiting once.

cough hard enough to rupture a blood vessel in your eye, go in to work with the whites of your eyes splotched red with blood, and have him send you home for looking like you have the rotting zombie death.

1. Always call your boss to tell them you're not coming in; never e-mail. "An e-mail just seems really fake," says Marcus. She notes that at some companies your boss might say, "Great: you're on e-mail. Just work from home today," which negates the purpose of taking your elective sick day. A telephone call comes off as a little more truthful and a little more urgent. When you call, try to time it so that you can leave a voicemail -- talking about the fact that you're sick opens it up to the possibility of follow-up questions and debate.

2. Don't be too specific. "Say 'I have a migrane' or 'I have food poisoning,' but don't go into details," says Marcus. "A lot of people get caught up in the details of the lie and feel like they have to specify what their symptoms are and such. But the more you talk, the faker it sounds. If you have the stomach flu, you're probably too busy barfing to answer a lot of questions about your condition."

3. Food poisoning is a good fake ailment. Marcus points out that "It's quick; it lasts a day; people get grossed out by it; and it's happened to them. So food poisoning is the way to go. Plus it's really non-specific. It doesn't say anything about a recurring condition that's going to happen again. It's a fluke. No one knows why it happened or what it was that they ate, so it's a really good mystery disease."

4. Don't post your exploits from your sick day on Facebook. Remember this story? Don't get caught in your lie by putting too much information where people can find it. "As people have things like more and more social networking sites, or you have a blog that people in your work know about, you need to be really really careful about indicting in any way what you were doing on your day off -- because you will get busted," says Marcus.

5. Don't come in with a sudden tan or a brand new wardrobe the next day. "Keep your head down and do your work," she says. "People are always a little skeptical, and you have to just pretend like you really were at home sleeping all day."

6. Pick a random Tuesday or Wednesday for your fake illness. At a lot of companies, there are mysterious sick waves on the day after a long weekend or on a really beautiful day in the summer. You can get away with that once in a while, but if you only come down with the flu on really beautiful Friday afternoons in the summer, everyone will be on to you. Taking off a day in the middle of the week will also make it less likely that you have 400 emails to sort through all at once when you come back from your elongated holiday.

http://www.asylum.com/2008/09/02/how-to-take-a-sick-day-when-youre-not-sick/

"My chronic lying disorder is playing up."

"I can't come into work today. I'm stuck in the blood pressure machine at Walgreen's."

I'm too drunk to work.

"I have to attend a lengthy all day baptizing ritual for a new religion I'm joining."

"My doctor told me I only have 12 hours to live... Goodbye"

But yeah, in all seriousness. Follow the guide Slycne posted. Number 1 mistake: Never, ever, -EVER- go into details or start rambling on about it... The more you talk about it, the higher the odds of tripping on your own words and the more suspicious you'll sound. Remember, innocent people have nothing to prove. Also, the less specific, more vague, the situation the harder it is to detect.

I like to use excuses like:

"Oh my mother is sick and I have to take care of my brothers"

or

"I have a doctors appointment with a specialist across town, oh but don't worry it's probably nothing" or something like that, make sure it doesn't seem to serious though.

My personal favorite has always been food poisoning, for the reasons that someone else stated above.

It only lasts a day or two at most, it's nasty so they probably won't want to talk about it, and chances are it's happened to them before so it's believable.

"I'm sick"

My computer has a virus and I must look after it.

My favourite one is off Family Guy "Oh hey Mr.Weed, I can't come in to work today. I was in a horrible plane crash, my entire family was killed and I am a vegetable...I'll see ya tomorrow."

My friend used to be in a huge raiding guild in WoW (no, this isn't a sick story) and was always forced to raid. At times when he didn't want to, he would say, "Sorry, there's a bear in my room," and then sign off. I've taken to using it a lot when I don't want to do something.

'My fish died, Today... I cry'

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fbXc4PiYlig

Fallout 3 came out

Oh and nobody wants to know anything more if you tell them you have diarrhea

I farted in front of a fire, and now my arse is in flames.

Leprosy. My arm fell off... yes, I drive a stick shift. THAT arm.

"I was sexually assaulted by a monkey"

Sorry, I can't come to work, my apartment is on fire.

Spartan Bannana:
Oh and nobody wants to know anything more if you tell them you have diarrhea

One of my teachers at college regularly said that. "If you're going to be ill, make it ill so that there are fluids. Nobody wants to hear the details of that."

It's pretty true, too. Just letting your boss / teacher / probation officer that you have 'stuff coming out of both ends' is a ticket to a quick phone call and an easy day doing nothing.

Hey,
can't make it in to school today because the bomb I placed there is gonna go off today. Bye!
xoxo

Feelin' Green.