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On the Record  Posts: 6111 Joined: 25 Jan 2008     | |
On the Record  Posts: 5014 Joined: 28 Feb 2008   | Get out of the house. |
Gone Gonzo  Posts: 2633 Joined: 30 Sep 2008     | Hooking up with drunk girls is shallow and dishonorable, I don't fucking care what anyone says. I too am slightly overweight and this fact kills all my confidence, I can't hardly be around girls without feeling like they are judging me all the time. Your best bet, I imagine, is to find a social scene that you fit in with and try to meet a girl that has similar interests. If not then denounce your humanity, and roam the world forever as a lonely monster. |
Gone Gonzo  Posts: 3201 Joined: 12 Nov 2008    |
Ahhh. Forever condemned to being "Best friend" to hot girls and having them cry on your shoulder while every cell in your body screams that you should... just... try... kissing. Just try it. You need confidence my buddy. You need to just try. Go out to one of those bars, element or not, and try talking, then try dancing, then try kissing, any interesting ladies you meet. |
Gone Gonzo  Posts: 2538 Joined: 29 Mar 2008    | Khell, is this some kind of trap? do you seriously expect us to believe someone as witty, smart, funny, outspoken and brave as you is having trouble finding a woman? I mean forgive my skepticism, but the only explinations i can think of are that there's some kind of woman shortage in canada, or you have a hump. In all seriousness, what you gotta do is find someone who makes you laugh, and that you can stand to be around also, grow a set and start talking to some ladies. casual conversation starters are good, the weather, cars... also, get freinds to introduce you to people. If you lived down here i could find you plenty of ladies |
On the Record  Posts: 5491 Joined: 13 Aug 2008  | Leave the house. Or not. Just look around on teh places you frequent. Who knows, you might find someone here. |
Gone Gonzo Posts: 2633 Joined: 30 Sep 2008 |
Trust me "growing a pair" is not easy for the chronically shy, I don't know if Khell is but I am and it ain't easy. I have balls enough to do most anything else, but not talk to women on the level we mean. I have "balls" to enough to fight if I need to, to ride my motorcycle at 100 MPH, and to talk to escapists, but not face o face with a girl to ask her out. I have, like, an inability (physically) to ask a girl out. It burns me up inside, but I can't do it. |
On the Record  Posts: 5834 Joined: 29 Jun 2004    | Quit playing videogames. Go to a bar in a group. Take a hot girl with you and use her as a decoy. Oh wait... you aren't looking to get laid, you want a girlfriend. I'll stop right here. GL... :-O |
Press Junketeer  Posts: 471 Joined: 8 Nov 2008   |
That's the best way I can think of, i'm a guy but if someone started talking to me and could hold the conversation then i'd most likely like them. But be sure to ask them to dinner or something rather then do a friend thing like meet up for another coffee, you don't want a friend...unless you happen to be talking to a girl with a partner already, in which case be a friend because she might know someone and can hook you up down the track. Clubs and pubs, I don't like the chances of finding much long term there, and unless you're a rather social person it'd be harder to pick someone up there too. p.s. i'm single |
Gone Gonzo  Posts: 2033 Joined: 7 Sep 2008   |
I feel your pain dude. I shall be keeping an eye to this thread. EDIT: I'm not turning 27 for another six years, though. |
On the Record Posts: 5834 Joined: 29 Jun 2004 | To be truthful, honest, and actually helpful... Become social. That is the only way. And by social I mean get away from your computer and get outside. Grocery Store |
Press Junketeer Posts: 404 Joined: 18 Sep 2008   | ...Try driving around a shady spot at night and pick up prostitutes? Maybe you will find a hooker with a heart of gold, just like in the movies! >_> I kid, obviously. I don't know how good my advice might be, I've never been in this situation...I'm still with my "high school sweetheart." But in any case, the coffee shop ain't that bad of a place. Start getting up early and spending some time at a coffee shop...Maybe go read a book while keeping an eye open for women to talk to. I'd advise against bars and clubs anyway, mate...Those are the places you go to hook up with a drunk and dingy blond cruising for a one night stand. Despite what movies, TV, and novels might say, your chances of finding a good, long-time lover at a bar are pretty slim, simply because those are more the types of places you go to have a good time with friends or look for somebody to fuck for a few hours before leaving in the middle of the night as they sleep, never to see them again... Not that I do that, of course...just saying. Now, when you do find an interesting girl, it is a good idea to not walk up to start a conversation with "Hey, want to chat?" It is better to come up with an excuse to talk, then ease into it by gradually mentioning other things. For example, say you see a women reading a book while sipping her coffee at Starbucks. Ask her about the book, even better if it is a book you have read, like, or have considered reading. Then ease the conversation into discussing other books, and then other hobbies, and so on, until you get to the "tell me more about yourself" stage. Also, confidence is the key. I'm overweight too, but I have a hot girlfriend and I'm close friends with other cute girls because I'm confident. I don't let my appearance worry me and let my personality take over. Just make yourself be calm. The key is to make yourself radiate confidence, and let your personality override any flaws in your physical appearance. At the same time, don't be a cocky, arrogant little prick. There is a fine line between confidence and arrogance; learn it. Just make yourself seem like a calm, confident guy. Don't act nervous, don't create an aura around you that says "I'm scared to talk to girls." If the girl instantly denies you because of your looks then she is a bitch that isn't worth your time in the first place anyway. But, then again, hitting the gym a bit and dropping a few pounds, and otherwise taking a bit more time to make yourself visually attractive/appealing certainly will help improve the odds. But again, a woman only concerned about appearance isn't worth it anyway. This is a given that anyone with half a brain already knows but...Avoid pickup lines like the fucking plague. They make you look immature, geeky, annoying, socially awkward, inexperienced, and all matter of other nasty words. Above all else, don't try too hard. Finding a lover isn't like other things, where trying really, really hard will get you places. No, in love, it just makes you seem desperate or creepy. They say girls like commitment, but they don't like it RIGHT AWAY. When you do find someone, ease on into it. We might refer to love as "bases" like in baseball, but in reality, it isn't like that: Running to get to the next base as fast as you can like you would in the sport isn't the best way to go about doing it. Basically, try, but don't try TOO hard. Actually, it is best to remember that sometimes the best things happen by chance. I didn't actually try to get with my girlfriend, things just sorta turned out that way. While it is important to try to get with the girl you like and see how things go, always remember that sometimes these things just sorta happen by chance. If it don't work out, don't dwell on it too much, it just opens things up for something better. This all goes with my speech on confidence earlier. So just remember the basics: Bars/clubs aren't the best places to find long-term love Be confident, but not cocky; don't dwell too much on your flaws and get nervous Working a little harder on your appearance won't hurt Ease into things Don't try too hard and come off as desperate Happy hunting. |
Gone Gonzo  Posts: 2113 Joined: 15 Jun 2008    | Going in a direction completely opposite to that of the rest of this thread... have you tried online dating services? |
Gone Gonzo  Posts: 1931 Joined: 9 Sep 2008   | Talk to girls. Start with, "Hi" and wing it from there. Having money also helps. Another wonderful bit of advice. If you're about to say something funny, stop, replay it in your head and ask yourself, "Is this funny off the internet?". By this stage, the moment would have passed and you would have missed your chance, but on the plus side, you don't look like a pillock. And my final gem of wisdom. Shut the hell up. If the object of your obsession starts rattling off her life story, just listen. Make notes. Throw in the occasional, "Uh huh", "Yeah", "Really". Don't interrupt, even to make a valid point. Just wait until she realises she's been talking for fifty two hours and says, "Oh, I'm sorry, I must be boring you silly", which is when you get to say something. As long as that something isn't agreement, you're in. |
Gone Gonzo  Posts: 1870 Joined: 13 Oct 2008   | OH MY RICHARD DAWSON (i am an athiest) a thread started by me in the future! and if that all fails, try mailorderbrides.com... what? it's a dating site! |
Press Junketeer Posts: 440 Joined: 10 Mar 2008  |
Hey, nothing wrong with mail order brides. Personally not my thing though.
Yeah, don't pick up girls at bars unless they too aren't drinking, and they are hanging out with a drunken friend. |
Gone Gonzo Posts: 1870 Joined: 13 Oct 2008 | just a second, and seriously, are you a virgin? |
Press Junketeer Posts: 404 Joined: 18 Sep 2008 |
What, you don't want to order an overweight Russian dominatrix named Olga? |
Gone Gonzo Posts: 2538 Joined: 29 Mar 2008 |
do you... do you have access to this "Olga"? |
Anonymous Source Posts: 4 Joined: 1 Dec 2008 | Only advice I have for you, is what I beleive works for me. You have to not want a relationship. The more you dont pay attention, the more attention you bring yourself. AVOID THE BARS its not worth the headache and empty pockets. If your getting desperate, hit places of severe social activity that DOES NOT include alcohol. Fuck it, go to Church, even if you dont like Jesus or what have you. Take your dog(if you have one, having a good dog is always a great conversation starter, if you feel bold, borrow your friend's dog) and take walks through your 'hood or popular parks. I've gotten alot of dates from 'melting pots' such as concerts, coffee shops, grocery stores(and thats a bad place to look really, avoid it) and weird as it may sound, try going to AA, yeah, sounds crazy, but yeah, I'm still with the same girl for about 4 years now. Gotta love AA. |
Anonymous Source Posts: 4 Joined: 1 Dec 2008 | Weirdest part of meeting my girlfriend, was that I didnt want to talk to anybody untill she seen me being anti-social and by myself, till she wondered up to me, said "Hi!" like she knew me, and my grumpy ass replied "Do I know you?" |
Muckraker  Posts: 258 Joined: 12 Nov 2008  | Try just getting out and being yourself, as for the overweight thing don't sweat it, nobody is perfect and people who judge based on appearance aren't worth knowing anyway. |
Anonymous Source Posts: 4 Joined: 1 Dec 2008 |
I've seen the most smokin girls with fat dudes. I dont know what is it about a Husky dude, but you guys apparently work it. Skinny guys like myself are a dime a dozen |
Press Junketeer Posts: 471 Joined: 8 Nov 2008 |
He could try, it's just another way to meet people I guess, and being a gamer/geek/intellectual person he might find more people with similar tastes and interests then elsewhere. |
Copy Clerk  Posts: 84 Joined: 23 Oct 2008     | Set goals for yourself.. start low at first then work your way up. and if your that lonely. Get yerself a dog.. dogs are mostly loyal..mostly. |
Press Junketeer Posts: 404 Joined: 18 Sep 2008 |
...If you have access to a lot of cash then sure, why not? Just keep sending me large sums of money and I'll get her over to you. |
Press Junketeer  Posts: 396 Joined: 8 Mar 2008    |
bars and clubs are only good for looking for one night stands, not long term relationships. plus most girls there are extremely shallow and just want some punk with a fat wallet to buy them their drinks. so never EVER expect anything out of the bar except a crushed spirit. (working at a bar for 3 years you tend to figure these things out) What you need to do is go to places that you and all the women there will have something in common. Anime fan? go to anime conventions. Gamer? go to cyber cafe's or local tournaments. Indy music lover? go to some local shows. When you go to a place were everyone has a common intrest/love then you cut out 99% of the middle man. No ackward "what do we have in common" conversations. A good book for understanding woman and what makes them tick (and why pick up artists are usually messed up people) i recommend The Game by Neil Strauss, great book. good luck and remember, be yourself. |
Gone Gonzo Posts: 1870 Joined: 13 Oct 2008 |
WAIT! IS THIS ANNOTHER OF MY EVIL CLONES! THE BIRRRRDDDDSSSS ARE COMEING!!! sorry... |
Red Guard  Posts: 4930 Joined: 14 Oct 2007 | |
Gone Gonzo  Posts: 2302 Joined: 20 Feb 2008    |
First off, yeah I'm part of the same club as you Khell. Except I'm twenty-four and went through college getting to know women but I did not take the advantage. Second, yeah being the guy we have to make the first move usually and the only way to meet people is to get out there and meet people. Expect to do a lot more traveling than you would expect whether it would be to a friend's place across country or going to an expo in a hobby you find interesting(i.e. PAX if you want to meet fellow gamers). There are plenty of places to meet people around this world. To start try and find out activities of things you enjoy and meet people there, join clubs or volunteer in things you like. Expos are also a good place too because after the expo people will be going out and cities can be flooded with people who have at least one thing you both like. You can start things with one common interest and interview them. Hell if you find someone interesting just go out and introduce yourself. Third, read the "overweight" part. There is a huge difference between being unhealthy and overweight. Also there is a huge difference from dressing horribly and looking good. Women look at those first impressions on how you physically look(same with us guys) but there is another part where looking good is also another eye turner for women. Women do not normally want to go out with the guy wearing the polo shirt and jeans, but someone who can be themself and wear something that complements their look(it is different for each guy). If you feel like you need to work out a bit(I know I do because I'm unhealthy and skinny) then make it part of your practice. Get a friend and make the time to work out every other day or every day if you can. You need to make the time if you want to look good. And remember if you are not having fun you are doing it wrong. Ask for help from people you know and change your outside appearence a bit, how you dress and maintain your hair is huge for people especially when you approach them. Do not change the way you talk(unless you are a real foul mouth swearing every other word) or treat people differently because then people will know if you are faking who you are. EDIT: Hell my friend from college is a overweight, short phillipino man and he has a girlfriend who is a skinny blonde. They met in college but he constantly went to see he, he was persistent. I'll see if I have a picture to post of him. Here we are, not the best quality but that is my friend and his girlfriend who I meet every week to do our gamesand.me podcast. http://images.vimeo.com/83/58/32/83583264/83583264_200x150.jpg Edit 2: Also just remember there are A LOT of women out there in the world and do not let ten or twenty rejections stop you from your search for a girlfriend. Just chaulk them all up to experience and move on if you find yourself in that position. It is not easy but it will happen. |
On the Record Posts: 6111 Joined: 25 Jan 2008 | Before I get to direct responses, I'd like to address two common comments... Re: Get out of the house and be social / Stop playing video games and go outside - To this I would like to mention, my game playing has dropped phenomenally this past year or two. On average, I've spent less than 6 hours a week gaming. Could attribute some of it to the lack of decent games, but I actually do get out of the house quite a bit, and that's been cutting down my playtime. And I really do get out, but most of the time I'll be out with a female friend, which really impedes any mate-searching. Re: Growing a pair - I actually don't have problems speaking with the ladies. I can start up a conversation with just about anyone, but I do have problems steering the conversation towards dating topics. For instance, I can never find the right way to ask if someone's single. And I fully admit, I'm oblivious to whether or not someone is hitting on me. Never having dated in highschool or college, I am inexperienced with womanspeak and subtle nuances. Oh, one other thing worth quick mention. I don't drink coffee or tea, and while that doesn't prohibit me from going to Tim Hortons and getting a pop, the whole "Want to go grab a cup of coffee" line seems awkward to use when I hate coffee.
Yep. [/quote]I mean forgive my skepticism, but the only explinations i can think of are that there's some kind of woman shortage in canada, or you have a hump.[/quote] Well as I said, I have a spare tire up front, but no Quasimoto going on. There have been females in my life that I would have hooked up with as quick as you could say Potato, but they were all taken. One was married, two had steady boyfriends that they'd been living with for over a year, one had a boyfriend and was pregnant, and I totally blew it with an old crush of mine, but that one's a long story best saved for another time/thread. @ Raven28256, some good advice in there. The losing weight one is ironically the most effective and least constructive step. Be it a month after meeting a girl, or after fifty years of marriage, at some point in all our lives we will loose our attractive appearance, and picking the right mate is picking the one who is less concerned about appearance and more concerned with personality. Also, glad I was thinking along the same lines as your advice, if bars aren't my kind of place, who I find there won't be my kind of girl.
Nope, not yet. Kind of wary about such places, and I'd first prefer to fall on my face (so to speak) a couple times before I resort to such measures. As my OP said, I am just starting out here, I'd only just decided to actively seek a relationship and I don't know where to start.
Yes, 26.98 years and counting.
I've been "not paying attention" for quite a while. I always figured if I didn't look for love, love would find me. Could someone please give Love a TomTom GPS for XMas?
Ok, now I'm just spotting innuendo everywhere I look. But re: a dog, I'm not that kind of lonely, I have a roommate and some close friends I see often. But I want more. I want a life-long relationship with a woman who makes me feel happy, and down the road (but not too far down) I want kids.
I'm actually pretty bad for that... Not so much the patronizing, but I speak in a different manner than most, using phrases and words that leave people scratching their heads, and I really do tend to ramble when talking about things I know well.
Thankfully one area I differ from the stereotyped geek. Aside from a light dandruff problem that always makes my glasses seem a little dusty, I don't have that whole unwashed computer nerd or anime fanboy thing going on. But curious on the cologne thing. What's the whole ruling on when to and when not to be wearing it? Obviously first meeting and any fancy occasion, but is it best to wear the stuff every time you see someone, or only for more formal occasions?
Having a totally uncommon sense of style, I know I'm going to run into problems trying to dress in an appealing manner while not compromising the real me for a fake me. By this I mean that if I dress differently to find a relationship than I would normally dress, I'm not presenting the real me, but the real me tends to dress in military camo, which is not a big selling point with most ladies. Anyhoo, lots here to digest. But it's something like 20 minutes to 1am, and I work tomorrow. Good night folks, I'll check in once I get to work. |
Press Junketeer  Posts: 392 Joined: 7 Mar 2008  | just how desperate are you? and what area of canada do you live in? and how tall are you? |
Red Guard Posts: 4930 Joined: 14 Oct 2007 |
That's why getting into it as soon as you can will help you. Nothing beats personal experience, and I can give you all the advice in the world but it won't teach you to recognise subtext that well.. As for asking the "Are you single?" question, I have never heard a truly suave way to put it. Asking friends is one way, observing the body language another. Beware the dreaded wedding ring.
BURN THE HERETIC! Actually, "drink" works in most cases, as juice, iced chocolate/hot chocolate etc also fit into that category.
Solidarity, brother. This is why it's better to hang around universities. Or libraries for that matter. You're more likely to find literate people.
It depends on personal taste. If you prefer to have a particular scent, wear it every time. Otherwise leave it for formal occasions. This is a little secret, actually. Smell is the sense most closely connected with memory. As such you can actually 'train' someone to react in a certain way to a certain smell. One cologne could be for the romantic occasions, another for more.. intimate affairs. It's amazing how dramatic a result can be. Once someone has subconsciously connected a scent, for example, with romantic occasions, any time they smell it they'll be reminded of those. It works the same for many things, wink wink. Use that knowledge how you will.
Funny that. Uniforms go down a treat, but camo itself not so much. My tongue-in-cheek advice here is go for metal heads. Things like clubs and more formal occasions you're better off branching into the jeans-and-buttoned-shirt realm, as if chosen correctly, they always look smashing. If you wear that on the odd occasion, it's no different from a woman going out in say, a short skirt when she would normally wear jeans. Now comes the question of what will you let yourself do. |
On the Record  Posts: 5173 Joined: 3 Mar 2008   |
You too? I have a problem there as well. I'm conversing with some people my age (15/16-year-olds, not restricted to any gender in particular) and then they hold me up to dumb my words down. I mean, how could I know that they didn't understand what I was saying? Nonetheless, I think people your age would understand more words than people my age, so who am I to judge? It does get annoying for me though. |
Infamous Scribbler  Posts: 606 Joined: 26 Sep 2008 |
Be careful how far you take this equation, both Labyrinth and Khell. I believe her point was not to be shallow, but to be an adult. Though she did a good job backing that up, I would like to offer my own suggestions: I'm pretty sure Khell doesn't need lessons on hygiene, but you don't need to shop at Lord & Taylor's, just wear something that's nice to look at and clean/in good condition. Having an intellectual attitude is more about being open and conversation-capable than being a book-snob. Go with pop culture, science, or random things instead of divisive and potentially hostile topics like religion or politics. And the cash thing just means being financially independent and stable, not some rich money-flasher. To summarize: be pleasant and desireable, don't be a prick. I do agree with the non-alcoholic drinks thing. Being overweight in and of itself is not bad; being unhealthy/out of shape is. I have been attracted to a few overweight girls, but because they were genuinely pleasant to be around and kept themselves nice. Those two things made them attractive even though they were bigger. And the biggest and most important thing regardless of gender: confidence! It's like Barney Stinson says: stop being _____, and start being awesome instead. |
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As another birthday approaches, I'm beginning to feel like my life is incomplete. In six days I will be twenty-seven years old, twenty seven years of being single. Before now, that never bothered me much. I never actually went looking for a girlfriend, a couple times in my life there have been girls I was interested in, but said ladies were either married or already had boyfriends, and it's not my thing to steal another man's woman, no matter how I feel about her.
But as my 27th birthday grows closer, I feel it's finally time to stop passively hoping for romance, and actively seek it. But how? I've never been on a date, I don't know where to start looking, and so I'm at a loss as to where to begin.
While I also do appreciate advice from the guys, especially those who have had luck finding themselves a mate, I mainly put this question out there for the ladies of the Escapist... What should I do, where should I look, and how should I go about finding myself a suitable girlfriend?
A bit about myself, because it would probably factor into what advice is given... I'm a gamer (duh), and a bit of a geek. I can honestly admit I'm not the most attractive guy on the market, I am overweight and fully realize it's a problem, but I am a great listener and an intellectual person. I am anti-alcohol and anti-smoking/drugs, while I would be able to cope with a companion who drinks (but not an alcoholic), I cannot see it working out with a smoker or a junkie.
Being that I don't drink, I don't visit the bars or clubs... My brother is always suggesting I hook up with girls there, but I'm totally out of my element in such places. So is there some better way?