In my drama class last year a guy was talking about how his dad's car was broken into by "some idiot", wherupon I quickly added, "Guess the car wasn't foolproof!"
Raucaus laughter and high fives ensued.

What are you, gay?
You face.

Mine's a pick-up line.
"Excuse me, miss, does this wrag smell of chloroform?"

I was working a banquet outside once and we were setting up a tent. I started in with a shovel to make an indent in which to place a tent pole. A guy I worked with came up, and with no humor but pure seriousness, looked me in the eye and said, "You're doing that wrong." Without hesitation, I replied, "Yknow, there's more than one way to dig a hole." To this day, if someone tells me I'm doing something wrong when there's more than one way to perform said action, that reply flies out of the holster.

Demetri Martin is the king of one liners :)

"If your Intelligence Quotient is as minuscule as your vocabulary, then I would hypothesize that you didn't understand this sentence."

Bored Tomatoe:
"If your Intelligence Quotient is as minuscule as your vocabulary, then I would hypothesize that you didn't understand this sentence."

What does that mean???

When telling somebody to do something
'Do it or you'll be fishing penguins from your nostrils'

When your naval craft has bee plugged with torpedoes
'Damn these torpedoes'

When somebody does something so stupid they should be flogged, and said with ecstatic sarcasm: "WONDERFUL!". That there's how to stay sane(?) in the food service industry.

Hey Mangus, I gotta say, I've usede that one a few times in the kitchens I've worked. I've been working in high-end kitchens for about 15 years and another fond one is when my chef tells me step-by-step how to make the simplest thing. As he's describing it, I just respond randomly as he's talking with, "Oh really, is that how you make it? Huh, had no idea." still makes me laugh to this day.

Well, I am partial to the exclamation: "Eat Die!" Just slipped out while I was playing BF: 1942 in Comp Sci and became my motto for a year.

"There are only two kinds of people that read Harry Potter; little boys and the men who fuck them."

*rim shot*

:)

I've always wanted to go to a restaurant/kiosk and tell them i want a hamburger, then when its almost done i yell: "Cheese it!", meaning i want cheese on my hamburger.

I know its lame as hell but i keep giggling everytime i think about it xD

"Rock, Rock on."
I only say it when I agree with people, much like the Cheat Commandos who originally said it.

i have a few:

1) If i throw this stick will you fuck off?
2) That Chick had a fanny like a wizards sleeve
3) He/She is so ugly they have a face like a dropped pie
4) Well fuck a duck! (my favorite at the mo)

found them randomly on a website one day and have used them ever since

While playing Left 4 Dead as a Hunter, I climbed up a tree and pounced onto Zoey, while screaming,
"WHERE'S MY SAMMICH BITCH?"

When I played COD WAW, I said some horrible things.

Eg: I flame thrower a Japanese officers for 10seconds straight, watch his charred corpse collapse. Then say coldly "That's one son that wont be rising!"

Well thats just a penis in the butt- any difficult situation

Shhh...I think I can hear my I.Q. dropping- coversation with any idiot

*when somone does something wierd/bizarre"*

And that kids is why you don't drink the bong water

*After getting frustrated at trying to get someone's attention who is being really oblivious*
OI NUMBNUTS!

To everyone: I hate you.

"Bangin' him like a screendoor in a hurricane."

I don't know where I got that, but it's very visual.

SiliconKnight:

Shhh...I think I can hear my I.Q. dropping- coversation with any idiot

Brilliant, can I use this?

-Zen-:
Mine's a pick-up line.
"Excuse me, miss, does this wrag smell of chloroform?"

Ha ha that's both foul but classic at the same time

Actually one time last Winter I was walking home from school and some teenagers decided to ambush me into a snowball fight. They got me pretty good on my back a few times but when I returned fire it was over. I remember more specifically the part when I chucked a more-so colder than usual snowball towards them due to the fresh snow I planted around it (I call that a freeze Bomb). And it hit the person who started the ambush square in the sack and exploded all around him and under his hoodie resulting in a priceless look on his face. I looked in his direction and yelled out "Stay Frosty" then dashed off laughing and I have been saying it ever since.

I've got another one.

When a woman pays me a compliment, I respond in Bender's voice, "CHYEAH BABY, I KNOW IT!"

My best is when a guy wanted to fight me. I kicked his ass pretty brutally and while he was on the ground I whipped it out and pissed all over him. Best one-liner ever.

I always end a conversation with friends like this: Keep yo game tight and your butt hole closed. First time i said it friends thought i was insane.

I say "shit my neck out of my ear" whenever I'm getting pwned by a game. My friend says "lets drown this baby up a notch!" whenever he's psyched to do something which I find hilarious.

I find my one-liners and witty retorts are found as purity in the crucible of multiplayer, where all the crap floats to the top and you have to fight through it to be heard.
One time I was playing against some French in Worms 2, and they were badmouthing my country, etc. which I didn't particularly care about, so I said to them "Je deteste vous, je deteste votre payes, je deteste votre norriture, je deteste votre langue et je deteste votre visage."
Which I found hilarious at the time.
Later on, they said "The queen suck black dick", to which I responded "Which means she gets more action than you ever have."

But my real one-liners come from FPS's. Memorable ones include:
*When playing Wolfenstein: Enemy Territory, I was running out in the initial rush, only to my horror to see that an enemy Field Ops had thrown out an airstrike beacon right in front of me. Instinctively, I kicked out as the Field Ops opened the door of a building to take cover, knocking the beacon into the building with him, causing him to be splattered by his own airstrike. At this point, I quipped "I'm one foot ahead of you."
*When playing Call of Duty 4, I noticed somebody on the other team had the name Wolfenstein. Getting a headshot on him with my R700, I then quipped "Looks like you're in Enemy Territory now."
*Others include my Left 4 Dead ones, like when I killed a Smoker after his attempt to grab me failed, and the guy just lunged at me in the attempt of doing some damage. I pushed him back into the flames and said "No smoke without fire."
*Or whenever I kill a Boomer before it can vomit, and it doesn't spatter on anybody, I say "Looks like somebody detonated prematurely."

Vivaldi:

SiliconKnight:

Shhh...I think I can hear my I.Q. dropping- coversation with any idiot

Brilliant, can I use this?

Of course, I would love to hear this one attacking the idiots of the world

Korhal:
Mitch Hedberg is the king of one liners :)

FTFY

My friend asked me if I was smoking a cigarette (which is does NOT approve of) and I replied with 'Nah...I'm smoking a chicken'. Lame I know, but she was stumped for a minute trying to figure it out...She's not the brightest cookie in the box.

I say something and one of my friends says 'Hey! That's my line!' I reply with 'I stole it fair and square.' Which, ironically, I stole from one of my friends in the first place.

Retort to a pick up line:
GUY: I'd go to the end of the world for you..
GIRL: But would you stay there?

This isn't so much a one liner, as I thought it was adorable. A guy came up to me when I was visiting a school for a singing thing and he dropped some ice cubes on the ground and crushed them under his foot and said 'Now that I've broken the ice, would you like to go out sometime?'. It was the most original pick up line I'd heard, so he ended up with a date out of it.

"Thats the only shade of green it gets." (referring to people with sloooooow reactions at a stoplight)

"You are taking me to a whole new level of pissed off."

"

Bleak777:
My best is when a guy wanted to fight me. I kicked his ass pretty brutally and while he was on the ground I whipped it out and pissed all over him. Best one-liner ever.

If thats true thats awesome. Ive always said I was gonna do that.

-Zen-:
Mine's a pick-up line.
"Excuse me, miss, does this wrag smell of chloroform?"

hahahahha. oh dear.

Ok, at work one of my mates asked me to get some more tomato reish from the fridge. I promptly replied "I will relish the moment"